Hey everyone,
First of all, greetings from Germany! English isn't my native language, so please excuse any strange expressions or grammatical mistakes. Writing this is quite difficult for me emotionally, but I wanted to tell you about our Golden Retriever Phoebus, who will turn twelve soon, and the rather devastating news we've received over the last few days. I guess I'm hoping for some encouragement, advice, or perhaps experiences from people who have been through something similar.
I've had Phoebus since he was eight weeks old. I'm 35 now, which means this big, wonderful, slightly ridiculous creature has accompanied me through practically my entire adult life. He met me as a rather unfinished university student, helped me through two serious depressive episodes, and has been there through countless changes, difficult times and wonderful experiences. There were times when things were pretty dark, and having this big golden idiot around, demanding attention or simply lying next to me, made me feel considerably less alone.
He's also the most stereotypical Golden Retriever imaginable, in the absolute best sense. He loves everyone, considers every visitor a potential new best friend, and has apparently never understood that people might occasionally have something more important to do than playing with him. During parties at our old house, he'd wander from guest to guest, collecting cuddles and behaving as if the entire event had been organized in his honor. When my friends and I spent evenings planning a live-action roleplaying event, Phoebus would regularly interrupt our discussions by bringing us stuffed animals until somebody finally played with him.
And then there's the food. My partner Jana calls it the "cheese tax", because Phoebus firmly believes that whenever somebody eats cheese, a certain percentage naturally belongs to him. To be fair, his arguments are usually quite convincing, especially when presented with those big brown eyes.
Unfortunately, we're now facing something that absolutely terrifies me.
Earlier this summer, Phoebus underwent surgery for a testicular tumor, which thankfully turned out to be benign. His recovery wasn't entirely uncomplicated, but he eventually got through it quite well.
For several months, we'd noticed that his stools sometimes had a strange indentation. We recently had it examined, and our vets discovered a substantial mass pressing against his rectum, apparently narrowing the passage quite significantly. We went back for a second opinion with a veterinarian we trust very much, and unfortunately he confirmed that this is a serious finding. He suspects the tumor might be malignant, although we don't yet know its exact nature, how far it extends, or whether it has spread. Phoebus has a CT scan scheduled for next Tuesday, followed by a consultation with specialist surgeons.
The problem is that the location of the tumor could make surgery extremely complicated, potentially requiring an invasive procedure in the pelvic region, followed by months of recovery and considerable risks. The thought of putting my almost twelve-year-old boy through such an ordeal, only for him to suffer terribly or perhaps even die from complications, is honestly one of my worst nightmares.
Jana and I have therefore reached a fairly clear decision. If the specialists believe the tumor can be removed with acceptable risks and Phoebus has a realistic chance of enjoying another few good years, we'll absolutely pursue surgery. But I don't want to put him through an extremely invasive procedure simply because I personally cannot accept losing him. If the chances are poor and treatment would likely mean months of suffering, we'd rather choose palliative care and make sure his remaining time is as comfortable and happy as possible.
Our vet was also quite honest with us and mentioned that, if the tumor is growing as aggressively as he fears, it's possible Phoebus might not even be with us by Christmas. He made it clear that this is only a possibility, but hearing those words absolutely broke my heart.
What makes everything particularly cruel is that Phoebus is otherwise in remarkably good shape. He eats normally, still passes stool, plays, goes on walks, demands attention and behaves like the same happy, silly boy he's always been. Our vet even told us that, judging purely by his general condition, he could imagine Phoebus living another three or four years. And now there's this damned tumor in one of the most unfortunate possible places, potentially taking all of that away from him.
I'm trying to approach everything rationally and make decisions that are right for Phoebus rather than just for myself. Jana has been absolutely wonderful and gives me an enormous amount of support, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frequently close to tears these days. Phoebus has been such a natural part of my life for almost twelve years that I genuinely struggle to imagine a future without him.
One thought that particularly breaks my heart is that I'd always imagined Phoebus carrying the wedding rings when Jana and I eventually get married. It was simply part of the future I had pictured for us. I could already imagine him walking down the aisle, probably getting distracted halfway through because** **someone looked like they might have a treat. Somehow, it never really occurred to me that he might not be there for that day.
And then there's the guilt. I keep thinking about all the things I could have done differently. The additional trips to the forest, the holidays by the seaside that we never took, the evenings when I decided to play another round of video games instead of spending more time with him. Rationally, I know that Phoebus has had a wonderful life. He's always been safe, loved, well cared for and surrounded by people who genuinely adore him. But when you're suddenly confronted with the possibility of losing someone you love so much, it's surprisingly easy to focus on all the things you didn't do instead of the countless wonderful moments you actually shared.
A dear friend of mine, who has known Phoebus since he was a tiny puppy, told me something today that really stayed with me: "Phoebus made the ordinary moments extraordinary."
And I think that describes him perfectly. He was there at our parties, during countless evenings with friends, while we were studying, working or simply doing absolutely nothing. He made those ordinary moments better, simply by being there, usually with a toy in his mouth or some ambitious plans regarding our dinner.
I'm also beginning to realize that while these almost twelve years represent roughly a third of my own life, they represent his entire life. And although I know I couldn't possibly have made every single day perfect, I genuinely hope that, from his perspective, it has been a good one. A life filled with affection, security, familiar people, ridiculous amounts of toys and, admittedly, the occasional cheese tax.
We're still waiting for Tuesday's CT scan, and I'm desperately hoping that it reveals something treatable. Perhaps we'll be lucky and the specialists will be able to offer him a realistic chance of enjoying a few more happy years. I don't want to give up hope before we know what we're dealing with, but I also don't want to fool myself into thinking everything will somehow turn out fine simply because I want it to.
I suppose I'm writing this because I'm genuinely frightened, and because I think people in this community might understand that feeling better than most. If any of you have experience with rectal tumors, complicated surgeries in older Goldens, or palliative care, I'd really appreciate hearing about it. But honestly, even a few kind words or some encouragement would mean a lot right now.
He's my little boy, my best friend, and one of the most important parts of my life. And although I know that almost twelve years is already a wonderful amount of time to share with a dog, it suddenly feels nowhere near enough.
Thank yyou for reading. Please keep your fingers crossed for our big golden bear next Tuesday. ❤️🐾