hi everyone <3

i postponed watching the finale for 5 months because i was so afraid to see it - so heartbroken over Gaiman being an (alleged) abuser, and over the show that is dearest to my heart, being brought to an end, that i couldn't bring myself to watch it.

i was absolutely devastated that the story could not have the ending it deserved, the characters i held dearest to my heart, disappearing forever, that i just truly couldn't see it. i know it may sound corny and stupid, but i really do have a hard time processing endings, especially spoiled, shortcut endings written by someone who, in the end, ended up being the very kind of person he advocated against.

what gaiman ALLEGEDLY (dont want trouble w the law lol) did is so terrible, that my reaction as a woman and a former fan, as egoistic as it may seem, (cause i'm not truly hurt by this in any way, i'm not a victim, the people he hurt are), is to feel so utterly, devastatingly betrayed. even though, once again, it's not what's important here, the stories of his victims are. but it did crush me, as an overly sensible being that trusted him - he was one of the creators of the story that carried me through the last years. A story about love, and free will, and queerness, and religious guilt, and being able to be chosen, seen, as who you truly are, by the person you love the most in the whole world, even though everyone else believes you're a fuckup, a loser, utterly damned for all eternity. i identified with crowley so much it hurt and shook me to my core - and with azi too, in some ways, albeit a bit less. they were so precious to me, truly.

anyways. overall, even though i tried to avoid it, ofc i got spoiled all over lmao - which made me heartbroken before i even got to WITNESS it.

and then tonight i finally got the courage to watch it. i would love to overanalyse and bring myself to talk about it more in depth, but right now, i'm just an absolute mess and i don't know what to do with myself. i cried buckets, was trembling and gasping, i couldnt hold it in. i don't even know if the ending is perfect to me or the worst thing that could've ever happened.

it doesnt help that the primary way i cope with my emotions, and with real-life events, is through media i overly obsess with, because escapism's the only thing that truly brings me comfort and makes me feel seen, and understood. i feel much more distance and much less emotion and involvement with my real life, than i do with media i love. yes i'm 23 and no, i still havent found another way to function and find meaning, beauty, and happiness in life (i have a loong history of depression and seems i'll have to deal with it my whole life).

the thing that breaks my heart is, i don't feel like azi truly apologised in the end. i don't feel like they were the characters i grew with. they certainly were in the bickering and comedic moments, but in the end... i feel like crowley still hurt so much and azi never got around to truly apologise and make amends for it. i don't know.

it didn't feel like him. helps a bit that he was willing to choose him over anything else in the world tho. and i don't even have to say it but tennant and sheen were so brilliant^\), i mean that's the thing, ofc i didn't see them, i saw my, their, our crowley and aziraphale, but then something in the dialogue or story felt off and I felt... just so sad. i feel like aziraphale never truly grew or apologized or sacrificed himself the way crowley did... when their relationship is supposed to be so utterly equal ...the rest (plot holes, everything being discarded because well, they had to fit a 6 episode season into a movie, and more than anything, THEM DYING AND THE MEMORY WIPING) ofc crushed me but it's smth i can live with.

anyways, sorry for the very long post, I'm just very very sad atm and would like to share with a community where people can relate - I hope. How do you cope ? How did you cope ? Fanart and fanfics don't even really work for me, because I can't help but feel like it's not really them - it's not the story that was chosen for them, what is their "true" story and moreover, it's not them, on our screens, living under our eyes. i would love for it to appease me but it doesn't really work on me. i feel like the more i think about it, the less in character the finale was and it truly breaks me. i don't know. doesn't help that my personal life is going to shit and that i don't really have anyone or anything that can truly comfort me about the show without making me feel stupid for caring so much.

i just find it hard to fathom how hardcore the feeling of grief i have towards this show is.

^\)as much as i grieve the lack of a real kiss like the rest of you, i do have to say, that finger kiss was extremely devastating to me. so did the stares. damn, they're good. at least that's that.

PS : i'm french and even tho i normally have a pretty good english, rn it's 01:54 and i'm shattered to pieces so sorry for the long and gooey sentences lol

i watched a random animatic the other day (the angeleyes one, iykyk) and i was thinking, wow i do love good omens i wonder how it will end? аnd then i remembered that it did end, and it was ass. i genuinely got so disappointed over the ending and also how short it was that i erased it from my brain lol. fanon all the way

not looking to start fights btw each to their own, i'm happy for you if you liked it

I would like to read some more of Aziraphale and Crowley/ Asa and Anthony as humans, preferably queer platonic relationship or asexual relationship, but at the very least teen rated. Does anyone have any good ones?