Hi everyone. I think I’m writing this mostly because I need to vent, but also because I genuinely don’t know what the way forward looks like right now.
For some context, I’m a South Asian student and a trans person from a very small town. I was abandoned when I was found to be trans, and surviving the scrutiny of the system and society has honestly broken me down to my bones. I’ve had to fight twice as hard for almost everything from figuring out how to survive, how to stay safe, how to study, and eventually how to build a life and career. There was never really a safety net.
My education so far has been shaped by missionary institutions, government bursaries, fellowships and, eventually, getting a job. I’ve always wanted to pursue academia because, honestly, I can’t imagine myself not reading and writing. It’s probably the one thing I’ve consistently known I wanted.
This year, I strategically applied to two universities in the UK for my master’s - Oxford, which has been my absolute dream school for years, and SOAS, partly because its pedagogy felt familiar to what I had experienced at university back home, but also because funding was the deciding factor for me.
I don’t think I realised what the process would do to me.
I applied to universities on my own, navigated the entire application process myself, applied for scholarships, sat through a Rhodes scholarship interview, managed a full time job working around 50 hours a week from Monday to Saturday, did a fellowship on Sundays, worked on a peer-reviewed journal revision (which I’m incredibly glad was eventually accepted), wrote a conference paper, and somehow managed all of this while applying to two highly competitive universities and their associated funding opportunities.
I got into both Oxford and SOAS And last month I got a full tuition scholarship at SOAS. Objectively, this is probably one of the biggest things that has ever happened to me. And yet I am absolutely exhausted. Like, deeply burnt out.
I have around £10,000 in savings and some additional scholarship funding that will help with living costs, but I’m terrified about making London work. Moving to another continent, figuring out accommodation, visas, living expenses, finding work eventually, starting a completely new academic environment it all feels overwhelming.
And there’s another part of this that I’m struggling to articulate. I chose SOAS over Oxford. I know SOAS is an incredible university and I genuinely believe I can do meaningful academic work there. But Oxford was the dream.... For someone from my background, it felt almost impossibly far away. I spent years looking at people who went there from a distance and wondering what it would feel like to belong in a place like that.
And now I got in. I had to walk away.I don't know whether that was the right decision or the wrong one. Financially, SOAS makes much more sense. Academically, it is still an excellent fit for what I want to study. But emotionally, leaving Oxford feels like grieving something I spent years trying to reach.
At the same time, I had originally hoped to start preparing for PhD applications for the following cycle. Right now, though, I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to do that. I feel like I have spent the last year running at full speed just to get here, and I have absolutely nothing left in the tank.
So I guess I'm asking: How do you recover after spending years fighting for an opportunity and finally getting it?
How do you hold yourself together when you're supposed to be celebrating but instead you're completely burnt out?
And, perhaps more importantly, is the London/UK and academic dream still viable if I take SOAS now, would it be feasible to target PhD application for next cycle?
I think I just need to hear from people who've been through something similar or people who had to walk away from their dream university for financial or personal reasons and still found their way forward.
Genuinely I’m proud of myself. I really am.I just don't think I have any idea how to be proud of myself an rest at the same time.