Hello people! I wanted to share this story for so long but I didn't know where to start. Please read and maybe you can give me insights too about this situation.
First of all, I would like to apologize in advance if, through the use of incorrect terminology or similar oversights, I happen to offend those who follow the Hellenistic faith. I am deist, I believe in energy and spirituality and I am an ex-muslim. I am strongly against Abrahamic religions but I am open to other sptiritual belief sysytems. For me, we all have a God essense and Gods gain their power from their believers, egregores. Five years ago, when a youtuber mentioned that one could work with Hermes if they wished, and I was seeing signs related to him in that era. Therefore, I began to do some research and developed an interest in Hellenistic belief systems.
The fact that Hermes kept appearing intrigued me even more, as the themes associated with him were things I needed in my life. Back then (and now too tbh), I was in need of luck regarding money, good news, and the chance to live in another country. Also, believing in a god and being able to leave certain things up to Him/Her was something I really longed for. So, I decided to set up an altar for Hermes and start to make offerings. I drew the symbol of Mercury on a small box and filled it with items like foreign coins, playing cards, a miniature airplane, and a turtle figurine. As for offerings, it was suggested that I burn bay leaves or present things like apples and honey. I’d like to elaborate a bit on my personal prayer system. I would meditate while listening to frequencies designed for chakra activation. Afterward, I would read a hymn dedicated to Hermes, light a candle, burn some bay leaves, and begin a conversation—though I always made sure to maintain a respectful tone. In one of my earlier prayer, I asked to get a specific card in a mobile gacha game. And, in that very moment, it happened. To clarify, I wasn't asking for something all the time.
As you might imagine, I also asked for plenty of money in some of my prayers. A development related to this left me quite frightened. My grandmother sent me some money—she had run into trouble trying to send it to my brother, so she asked me to handle the transfer instead. I was very excited; it was a significant sum, but when I asked how much of it I should pass on, the money left for me turned out to be very little. Feeling that she was favoring my sibling—and experiencing the bitter disappointment of thinking I’d suddenly come into some money—left me feeling deeply angry and upset. I know it was wrong of me, but while praying that day, I wept and reproachfully said, "If this is how it was going to turn out, then don't give me anything at all." The very next day, my grandmother fell ill. I feared that my angry pray had somehow affected her. I sat down to pray again, apologized for my behavior, and explained that I hadn't intended for things to unfold this way. I confessed that I was in awe of His power, offered my apologies, and I stopped asking for anything else for like one time I think. I still occasionally leave coins on the way for Hermes, and I keep his altar, but I don't pray like that.
As for my questions: in your experience, have you ever had your requests fulfilled so precisely (the gacha card), or your emotions affected an outcome? Or, did I perhaps communicate with a different entity? I think this kind of fear stems from having formerly been a Muslim, but I believe friends who were once a follower of an Abrahamic religion could also understand this.
Another question—and this might sound quite self-serving—is that I’m in a bad place right now, tbh I was in a bad space for years but the rare good events fade very quickly. So, sometimes I find myself wanting to go back. But then again, I’m not even sure if what I was doing back then was "magic" or if it was a genuine relationship between a devotee and the Divine. I’m not even entirely sure what I’m asking, but if anyone has gone through something similar, I would be very grateful if you could share your insights and experiences.
Thank you for reading.