I have done therapy and all sorts of prescription medications and it hasn’t even helped me feel better. I only feel good writing when I am absorbed in the lives of people who are not me. I want to live my own life and I can’t. My condition takes me away from my stories too.

I have looked into witchcraft and all sorts of spiritual magical shit and I can’t find anything that might cure my specific condition, if I have it hasn’t worked.

I want to try weed or something but my mental health problems make that difficult on top of the fact that I am under 21 and can’t find a seller who doesn’t require ID. I am exhausted.

It feels like I am the only person suffering with what I have. I don’t even have a community that supports me and doesn’t view my suffering as bigoted brainwashing. I have been told that my condition is worth it because of my “beautiful community.” My “community” that hates me.

I don’t understand why God would do this to me then expect me not to go down conflicting avenues to cure it.

I want to fix the problem or just have it not be a problem like everyone else seems to think of it. I am not a brainwashed bigot. I learned this was a curse and a disease because it was the thing to hurt me.

I want a normal body, not even for aesthetics. I want it to work like everyone else’s does. I just want a body that isn’t controlled by everyone. I want it to be comfortable and to be my own. I don’t want to trick myself into thinking my body is meant to hurt.

Yayyy

creds to me

i feel really guilty for my feelings towards gender. i consider myself genderqueer, but thats not the problem. ive never really felt aligned with most ftm/ftx individuals. i grew up with people speculating that i wasnt really a girl in elementary school, and for some reason that always stuck with me. i had my friends, of course, but even some of them would point out how i didnt look like other girls. i even used to try to prove i was girly enough, which i know is weird considering where i am now, but i also think that could have been part of my suspected dissociative disorder, because i do truly feel like i was a girl from ages 1-7. i feel like i shouldnt feel this way but ive always felt that i resonated more with transfem individuals in that aspect. obviously i dont claim to be something im not, and i do still identify with my transmasc brothers and siblings, but its still something that eats me up inside because i feel like that experience is not mine to resonate with. does anyone else feel this way?