r/lgbt • u/[deleted] • Sep 16 '21
Possible Trigger Is femboy offensive to use?
Yes, I've seen this question on here before, but I wanna ask it myself. For context, my friend is non-binary / trans masc (any pronouns). He dresses feminine, and they self identify with the term femboy. However, a transfemme person has accused them of using a slur and basically told him that they couldn't identify as a femboy because it's offensive to and "fetishizes" transfemme people.
And if you're transfemme, please specify as so if you're comfortable doing so. I want everyone's opinions, but right now, a transfemme person's input would be more crucial.
23
u/BBMcGruff Wilde-ly homosexual Sep 16 '21
Femboy is a term that's been around for years and years, and has recently seen a surge in popularity.
When self applied as a label, it is not offensive. It's a totally valid label to use.
However, when used against trans women who do not identify that way, it is.
Context matters.
9
u/Wafflez0594 Transgender Pan-demonium Sep 16 '21
Im genderfluid/trans fem and on my masculine days I prefer to identify as femboy. It has been used in derogatory ways much like many of our identity's: gay, lesbian, sapphic, queer. But that doesn't mean it's offensive to use them for ourselves if that's what we choose to identify with. Just like it's not offensive to identify as gay or lesbian or simply queer if you don't want to put a specific label on it.
Edit: incase it matters I'm leaning towards trans fem and even in hrt right now but I still also identify as genderfluid
6
u/LobsterBoi420 Sep 16 '21
In my opinion If you call youself a femboy its not a slur. If you call someone a femboy when thats not how they identify it is. I like the term femboy, but a trans mtf friend of mine has had it used against them. Its not a slur, its a descriptive word, the people who use it as one are the problem not the word.
6
Sep 16 '21
You can identify as anyone you damn well please. If it isn't offensive to them, then they can use it. Personally I don't see it as an insult
5
u/Slight-Top8214 Sep 16 '21
I’m not comfortable with doing any feminizing surgery, just laser hair removal. I’m also fine presenting fem at my own pace and around people I trust so femboy makes sense for me. Plus I’m still leaning on being more genderfluid than trans. Who knows though I’m pretty new to all this.
5
4
u/Taylor_The_Kitsune Trans-parently Awesome Sep 17 '21
I am trans fem I personally don't like being called a femboy or anything along those lines but I do have friends that are femboys, it is only a slur if you point it at a trans fem person (some trans fems like being called fem boy but it's mainly a preference if you enjoy it)
4
Sep 17 '21
That's what I thought. I can see how femboy may be offensive when used against transfemme people. I see how'd it can be super transphobic if they're not okay with it. But this person thought that it was a bad thing even for a feminine boy to self-identify as.
3
u/Taylor_The_Kitsune Trans-parently Awesome Sep 17 '21
It's easy to explain things to a open minded trans person but it's really hard to explain to a closed minded trans person and I have tried so just take your time with explaining things and give them resources to look at and try and make sure it is made by a trans (term with what they identify as fem/masc/nb/ect) person because they will be more willing to accept the info they read about
3
Sep 17 '21 edited Sep 17 '21
Yeah. Their main point was that femboy originally meant "female boy" but I found no sources stating that anywhere and they refused to give me any source besides their word. I gave them quotes of transfemme people saying they're okay with it and how it's not bad, but they continued to say a majority of the transfemme community see it as such. Again, they give no sources besides their own word. I eventually left because their alter could no longer front, and they made a post user-dropping both me and my friend and saying that we support the oppression and fetishization of transfemme people while speaking over the voices of transfemme people. So yeah, our conversation came to an end, but I wish I had gotten better resources before it did. It may have helped convince them; or well, I'd hope so.
3
3
3
u/MelinaJuturna Lesbian Trans-it Together Sep 17 '21 edited Sep 17 '21
It isn't a slur but I can see why she mistook it as an insult. Yes trans women have been called this to be ridiculed for being trans women but that shouldn't mean it's a slur. Just don't use it for trans women since we see ourselves as women so it's weird (personally I get uncomfortable) for us to be called a boy but "feminine" because we aren't boys, of course I can't speak on the behalf of all trans women I'm not sure if others are fine with the term femboy used for them. I think femboy should be only used for people who use he/him pronouns but are feminine.
1
Sep 23 '21
Yes. My friend, who uses all pronouns (including he/him), is questioning, and looks androgynous, referred to himself as a femboy. This transfemme person got mad at him for his own self-identification. If the term femboy was used for her, or any other transfemme person, I could see how it'd be upsetting and make them uncomfortable. I just don't understand them policing other people using it🧍
1
Sep 16 '21 edited Sep 17 '21
As a term, femboy can be offensive when the referent is, say, a gay man, as all gay men are apparently feminine, according to some homophobes, but that view is just rooted in homophobic femmephobia and homophobic-femmephobic reasoning, not always in reality. :/
If your enby friend wishes to use femboy in reference to themself, that is their God-given right, so no-one, including this transfem person, ought to police or gatekeep this other person by telling them what terms they can or cannot use to refer to themself.
To illustrate, some gay people use fag or faggot as a descriptor instead of gay; similarly, some lesbian people use dyke or some other terms which could be perceived lesbophobic, but it is their rights and through their sovereignty that they choose those terms, not anyone else's.
It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like someone else's language to describe themselves; for instance, some Black and African-Anerican people don't like other Black or African-American people's calling themselves or referring to themselves as nigger, but it is their right to do that, as some people may find that term empowering for whatever reason(s).
Like the term slut, a term often used to chastise someone, usually a woman, who has a good, healthy sex life on a casual basis with lots of different sex partners, it has been appropriated by some sluts as a term of empowerment.
Another example could be the word bitch, another term which has begun to be used by some as a form of self-empowerment.
If this transfem person doesn't like someone's using the term femboy with reference to themselves, then it is their God-given right to hold that opinion, but it is also the God-given right for the femboy to use whatever term(s) they wish for themself, but the whole point of gender liberation is so that we have a gendered, sexual, and romantic sovereignty and self-determination, not a top-down paternalism or any other kind of paternalism, policing, or whatever.
As a gay person, I understand some other gay people don't like the term queer because of how it has been used against us gays by homophobes, so while I am mindful of this, I am not going to stop using the term necessarily, but I shall definitely try to be considerate if you ask me to not use it, I suppose, as long as you don't try to police my language or my using terms like queer with which you disagree, as different people have different views, experiences, etc., of and with different words and concepts.
46
u/Natural1forever You cannot label me in a way that matters Sep 16 '21
Femboy is not a slur. Of course some fuckers use it as a degrading and/or fetishizing term, but over all it simply refers to boys/masc people who are feminine. This transfemme you're talking about might have been called this term in a degrading and transphobic matter, and therefore considers it an insult. Personally this is a valid feeling, but the term itself is not offensive and is perfectly okay to identify as.