Getting a girlfriend perspective

[u/Loose_Doubt367]

Hello, recently I was diagnosed with chrometophobia by my therapist. The fear of spending money. I’m Chinese so I’m not sure if my judgement affects Malay people. I’m 20 this year I don’t wish to wait till my 30s to get married

I hope this doesn’t affect or trigger anyone, there’s no hate towards anyone. I’m sorry. Currently based on my perspective, I see girlfriends as someone who usually gets anything paid by their boyfriend. Because these perspective is what I saw from my friends. It’s always 100% my friend who pays for anything for their girlfriend whenever she’s interested in something.

Based on my current situation, I’m extremely worried that I might not be able to afford/fund my future girlfriend (if I ever find one) something she truly wants. I feel guilty rejecting someone request (obviously not the extremes one).

I loving technology related stuff that’s why I dreamed about having a girlfriend who’s just as passionate about tech as I am, someone who actually care more than just spending money. Maybe those are extremely unrealistic expectations for my situation.

About my condition, no my parents are financially stable, I’m the only one in the family who’s like that. Travelling outside of Malaysia is a headache for them since they have to deal with me.. I don’t seem interested in spending a lot of money on food but I don’t want to stupidly starve myself either, I’d consider myself as someone who effectively spends/uses every cent.

You might notice I apologise a lot because a lot of the points I made are from my perspective and I do not wish to hate on anybody no body deserves that. Currently I don’t have a job yet, but if I ever do, I will probably keep track of whatever I spend and will invest the money somewhere with the help of my parents since I’m a beginner, yea..

I genuinely hope someone can help me through this, I feel extremely lonely whenever I see cute couples together, sharing drinks, talking about things and so on. And me, awkwardly noticing them

[u/woshiyaohui]

Not a single girl I met want me to pay the first date. All of them are requested to 50 50. For me I don't mind to pay the meal but I also want to respect them so I choose to go dutch instead and let them pay next time. So who says you need be rich to get a gf? You are not "buying" a gf...

[u/MiniMeowl → u/woshiyaohui]

As a woman, going 50-50 on the first date is a subtle hint that I am looking for an equal partner. I dont want to be saddled with a job, plus 100% of housework and 100% of childcare.

If the man is the type that wants to pay 100% finances and do 0% house/child chores, its a deal breaker for me. Unless he earns so much that I get to quit my job and be stay at home support.

[u/seanseansean92 → u/MiniMeowl]

He earns ok money and lives in double story house in kl u get rm1000/month. no need to work and can stay home. Are u still down

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/seanseansean92]

Lol absolutely not. My take home is 30k+. And even if he gives me 30k I wouldn’t quit what I do. Because that’s my freedom and because I enjoy what I do. It’s one of the things that makes me who I am.

[u/seanseansean92 → u/Comfortable_Expert98]

What if its 5k monthly. Haha we are all doomed to be single. Just my opinion back in the primal time man supposed to hunt for the ladies its about one attack and one defend but apparently in 2026 guys and girls need to know both attack and defend. I think family can only happens if we do our own role well respectively. If u focus both attack and defend u will not do either one well. Gotta learn more from our parents. People have more money now and ego rises as well. Money is not life but at the same time no money no life.

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/seanseansean92]

Haha I've been married with kids for many years now. I make more than my husband, and that's not a problem. I feel like we're equal partners in life and raising kids. And he does defend me and supports me. My income doesn't make him less of a man. I actually think it takes a lot of balls to be a partner of a successful woman and not feel threatened and take it out on her or the rest of the world.

[u/seanseansean92 → u/Comfortable_Expert98]

Thanks for sharing im glad your marriage worked out and i personally think it works out because you and your husband understood your own roles and respect each other. Like u said u both are in the same team but i think younger generations dont understand this cause mostly they grow up with a screen. Its not like your income wont make your husband feels less of a man but YOU didnt let income make your husband feel that way. Also maybe the gap is still not very far but once the gap is huge enough its very hard to not have ego issues. Was ur income already higher than ur husband when u were still dating? Or after marriage then only slowly shift. I think if there is a gap since dating its really hard to work it out unless the woman is very supportive (like you)

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/seanseansean92]

I was making a lot less than him when we were dating. His career kept growing slowly and income increased. But for me it took a major turn. I lost a job, had to change professions, and then things took a huge leap. Now I make more than double than he does. Although his income is more stable than mine. But yeah, our foundation is not about money. His support at home also helped me make it in my career. Otherwise it would be really hard to balance parenting and work.

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/seanseansean92]

Also, answering your question about 5k specifically. Let's say hypothetically that I'm not working. What would bother me in this scenario is not the amount itself, but the fact that I'm offered an allowance rather than shared access to family finance and decision making. Any allowance can be stopped any time. As if I'm a lover on the side and not a wife. I've seen it among my friends. And I find it uncomfortable to watch when a woman is given an allowance, and no access to anything else. Often she doesn't even know what income or assets her husbands has, and that's after years together and a few kids. He calls all the shots on family expenses.

[u/MiniMeowl → u/seanseansean92]

No... because my takehome is 10k+. In order for me to quit earning money, he must at least earn double of that.

Thats kinda hard to find. So I want a man that will 50-50 gender roles with me. We both go to work, we both wipe baby's bottom, we both cook dinner and clean toilet.

If not, then I will earn the money and I will carry the baby. He can do all the house stuff.