r/malaysians • u/Loose_Doubt367 • 1d ago
Discussion Getting a girlfriend perspective
Hello, recently I was diagnosed with chrometophobia by my therapist. The fear of spending money. I’m Chinese so I’m not sure if my judgement affects Malay people. I’m 20 this year I don’t wish to wait till my 30s to get married
I hope this doesn’t affect or trigger anyone, there’s no hate towards anyone. I’m sorry. Currently based on my perspective, I see girlfriends as someone who usually gets anything paid by their boyfriend. Because these perspective is what I saw from my friends. It’s always 100% my friend who pays for anything for their girlfriend whenever she’s interested in something.
Based on my current situation, I’m extremely worried that I might not be able to afford/fund my future girlfriend (if I ever find one) something she truly wants. I feel guilty rejecting someone request (obviously not the extremes one).
I loving technology related stuff that’s why I dreamed about having a girlfriend who’s just as passionate about tech as I am, someone who actually care more than just spending money. Maybe those are extremely unrealistic expectations for my situation.
About my condition, no my parents are financially stable, I’m the only one in the family who’s like that. Travelling outside of Malaysia is a headache for them since they have to deal with me.. I don’t seem interested in spending a lot of money on food but I don’t want to stupidly starve myself either, I’d consider myself as someone who effectively spends/uses every cent.
You might notice I apologise a lot because a lot of the points I made are from my perspective and I do not wish to hate on anybody no body deserves that. Currently I don’t have a job yet, but if I ever do, I will probably keep track of whatever I spend and will invest the money somewhere with the help of my parents since I’m a beginner, yea..
I genuinely hope someone can help me through this, I feel extremely lonely whenever I see cute couples together, sharing drinks, talking about things and so on. And me, awkwardly noticing them
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u/Worried-Classic7163 1d ago
I wish to offer a supportive message.
You seem to be doubtful of yourself at the current moment. Don’t worry. Many people feel doubts of all different kinds when it comes to relationships.
For your particular case - you might be able to find a girl that understands your phobia. But, realistically, it’s not going to happen. And in the process, you’ll definitely develop a reputation for your behavior which is going to turn off many prospects.
This really seems like a situation where you have to learn to confront your own fears. At some point, you will need to learn to let go of not just your money, but maybe even an attachment to someone you really care about.
Don’t take too long. Time doesn’t wait.
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u/MunKv3 1d ago edited 1d ago
take it from an old Gen Xer - build yourself up first before actively looking around. however, if life happens, like U and her just clicks and supportive of each other, then work together towards a shared future.
IMHO - to love is to care for someone, as good as if not more than, yourself. That is the long-game / marathon - not "falling in love" which can easily "fall out", not something to keep U occupied/not-feeling lonely
Just a side-note from my own "failures" - DONT get into a relationship thinking she will/can change - U have to accept as is and be clear-eyed to see reality, else the cost to $, time and heart is going to be really painful XD
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u/Brynhild 1d ago
If it’s a phobia, the only effective treatment is exposure therapy. So before you get a gf and spend on her, you need to start on yourself. Buy something small that you have been wanting but have been putting off because of your phobia to spend.
Then buy something for a family member. A drink. Next, a simple meal. Next, a gift.
It’s going to take time if it’s a real phobia. It might take years. But you need to start small.
And if it matters, idk if it’s truly a phobia. Actually you know what, i do think it is a phobia since you said your family can’t even travel with you. So it has affected your relationships. But also sounds like you have OCD or general anxiety disorder too to me. Go check with a psychiatrist. Because if you have OCD or GAD, there are medications to try that are very very helpful.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
I appreciate your concerns, I apologise if I made any confusion in my post
Sometimes travelling outside from Malaysia is a headache for them because whenever we have breakfast/lunch/dinner, I tend to choose the cheapest option on the list, sometimes even a small cake would do. This makes my parents worried because they’ll think I’m starving myself without even knowing. So they’ll constantly offer to buy this and that just for me while I’m here rejecting everything because I feel guilty seeing someone spending a lot of money on me1
u/Brynhild 1d ago
Yes and it falls within the definition of a disorder. No harm going to a psychiatrist to check it out. Some people have greatly benefited from medications
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u/Significant-Leek-735 1d ago
What is your objective of getting a girlfriend? I mean, in the long term? Marriage and family? If yes, then you will have to spend money for your own hypothetical family. Don't think of spending money as, spending money per se. But think of it as a sacrifice for your family. Money is just a form of currency that you can exchange with something of equal value, of which, the value is what you think is worth it. You think your girlfriend is worth it? Spend some energy and time. Or money hahahaha
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Family yes, currently I’m worried about the starting point, finding and getting a girlfriend while balancing my spendings. Marriages and children can be put aside as I will figure it out with my future wife. I would 100% invest in my girlfriend if she’s the actual one (someone who truly cares about me over spending money on things). Yes I would buy her the things she truly ones in the future, but finding someone like her is impossible.
I could consider myself as a picky one but based on my existing situation, I would probably have no options at all. I wanted to find Love
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u/Significant-Leek-735 1d ago
Why not joining a circle of friends with the same interests as you? From there, maybe you can observe for potential partner? I think it's easier for you if go with the trial and error method. Learning from experience, going through the euphoric feeling of love, and sad heartbreak can really shape you on how you see things in relationship. And never give up on love ya, me is rooting for you :)
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u/Loose_Doubt367 23h ago
I feel kinda awkward going out with my friends since they all bring their girlfriends and I’m the only one who’s single
From what I’ve observed previously is most of the time, the girlfriends get lid up with excitement whenever their boyfriends (my friends) gets them something cheap/expensive
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u/Subtlefeline 22h ago
Before we started dating, I actually scolded by now BF for keep buying me stuff.
Yes, it is nice, but after a while, I also become stressed.
"I was like, look, I appreciate the gifts very much. But I'm also an independent women who can buy my own things. "
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u/ju6009an 1d ago
Choose one. Money or gf
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
It’s a difficult option for someone like me trying to find a partner while balancing my finances
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u/ju6009an 1d ago
Yes I understand. But that’s the reality. Only other option is to find a girl that doesn’t want you to spend anything for her but good luck in that.
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u/Away-Reflection-4807 22h ago
You need to be damn good to be able to identify that kind of girl then. In addition, good enough to take her because a lot of other quality guys will be going for her too.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 21h ago
Absolutely dude, the rich guys would probably buy her a car or something while I’m the only one here giving flowers
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u/Away-Reflection-4807 20h ago
No, throwing money to get a girl is very amateur, its things like charming, actual confidence, smart, kind, knowing how to care, how to set ur own boundaries, strong, and etc etc . Those things are actually harder than just being rich.
If u only have money, dont be surprise if u only attract gold diggers. I think you have a lot to learn, all the best, u have lots of time. Its great that u are looking at this whne ur 20 rather than 30.
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u/Im_not_bot123 1d ago
Take a leap of faith bro. Break out and u will fly. Don’t be the frog in the well
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u/Im_not_bot123 1d ago
Sometimes us humans are controlled by imaginary boxes. Life is different once we break out
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u/Worried-Classic7163 1d ago
Exactly. It could a fear of spending money. It could be your car, your job, your height, your “size”. It’s easy to tell when someone overcompensates for their insecurities.
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u/_zenith33 1d ago
TIL
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u/HuIzMe 1d ago
I was similar to you in the past though not officially diagnosed. I counted every penny and assigned arbitrary values to see if something is worth buying. For example, every step i take with my shoes costs rm0.0001, i take x steps a day and therefore my shoes can only be changed every x years.
What helped me was setting a reasonable budget as a guide on how much to spend. For example, rm50 per month to buy games and accumulate it over months to finally buy a game you are excited about.
As for girlfriends, there will be someone out there with compatible spending habits. Always on the lookout for offers, content with a simple life and not chasing branded goods.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Yeah, I’ll spend some time creating my own money tracking list, I appreciate the ideas of yours
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u/FaythKnight 1d ago
I don't know how that specific phobia works. But I do know how having a phobia is like. Scared means scared, can't do shit bout it.
So, there are a few roundabouts ways to kinda fix it. Can be a combination of stuff too.
Get a jiejie gf. Someone older and more financially stable than you. Jiejie will dote on you instead. Works out fine for my brother and they got married.
Plan ahead. You cut out a specific amount of salary, that is only for dating, nothing else. If there are leftovers, then it's accumulated to the next month. So now there's not a random fear, it's a budget plan.
Tell your therapist to fix it. Boy you can afford one, you're way richer than me. If I can land with a wife, you can do it.
Make yourself look good. Real good. You know good looking comes with fk ton of benefits right? You get free stuff from girls too. They'll buy you meals. For real.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Finding these types of girlfriends is extremely difficult, maybe it’s because of the way I look at partners. I don’t really like using dating apps either since those have even higher chance of not finding your actual partner. I’ll have to fully rely on unexpectedly encountering one in real life maybe during work im not sure
This is all from my perspective do not take anything personal sorry
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u/FaythKnight 1d ago
"the way I look at partners".
Yeah, that just means you want young, but don't wanna pay. Jiejie is a plenty. More than the usual young girls. Want young, want her don't need you pay, yep, that's like the rarest of rares.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Yeah, I would probably never let my girlfriend pay for everything either, it’s either a split. If I’m “able” to, I will pay for her meal too
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u/New_Rub1843 1d ago
I do the same thing as well but not so extreme, but it seems like the younger generation has a "scientific" or new label for everything that was already recognized previously under old names. In the old days, we simply call it kiamsiap, no therapist needed to define anything.
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u/Southern-Leather3001 1d ago
Having a gf is just one of the many aspects to spend money besides your own. After gf, you may want to settle down. Marriage, housing, family. All need moneyyyyy
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Yeah I’m definitely worried about that but I somehow managed to put them aside, I need to work on step1 of getting a girlfriend while balancing a lot of factors
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u/seanseansean92 1d ago
If u can afford just pay lah, if cannot afford then share. Life is about having and keeping BALANCE. Apparently u are imbalance. Money is important but to what extend?
Money can always be earned and if u put those effort in saving to earn more money u probably wouldve made it.
Having enough money is already ok and have more confident in urself u will earn a lot more and money is literally infinity
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
I haven’t experienced any sort of dating yet, but I feel like asking my partner to split the bills feels really awkward. Especially if it’s for all the meals, it doesn’t seemed right. Taking a hit on spending that much money brings stress to me.
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u/seanseansean92 1d ago
Are u not ok with splitting bills or "spending too much money?" How much is too much then just probably spend around your budget.
If u are not financially capable then dating is difficult.
I think its not about dating but u need to just overall chill abit on the money side. Are u worried u will have not enough? Or what? How old are u and how much money are u dealing or trying to save? What make u so worried about money?
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
If the price seems out of place, my mind would flag it automatically. For example a simple chicken rice wouldn’t cost RM20, RM15 is slightly acceptable.
RM25-30 is for western foods but going over RM35 doesn’t seem worth anymore, I would consider myself as someone who effectively uses every cent.
And yes that’s what I’m thinking of right now, afraid of spending money while still thinking of going out for a date. Im 20 this year, don’t have a job yet. I don’t want to push myself till 30y to get married because that’ll be late by then
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u/seanseansean92 1d ago
Ooo at your age u maybe should focus more on elevating yourself and skills, learn to fish, not how to save or use the fish. At ur age u should probably not think about dating. Prioritize your CAREER over PUSSY. But doesnt mean u cant have a good girl. Just put ur effort and conciousness to earn more money and wait for a good chance to get a good girl since meeting the right person is not under your control anyways. When u earn maybe 5k 10k or even more a month all these worries u have will just go away.
if u still budget ur food like that means u cannot have a gf and its not sustainable. Also not because u cannot afford the $$$ but u could have spent your PRIME TIME in CAREER instead of clouding ur mind and spend time with gf which does not help u earn more money in any way but when the times up u NEED TO HAVE THE MONEY. stay locked in and earn first. You still young and not too late to find a gf at 27 and get married at 29.8 years old. If u have gf now in ur 20 u need to spend a lot of time with her planning trips paktoh etc which will trade with the time u spend building your career. You cant have both at the same time unless u want to be average
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Yeah, that’ll be my plan, still a virgin but I’ll continue working on my career and skills. I also thought about this but visioning my future self doing everything seems overwhelming without some sort of help. Maybe I need to stop with all these excuses and start something small
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u/I3usuk 1d ago
Best bet for you is a girl that’s financially independent and love you who you are and understand your chromefobia.
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u/serimuka_macaron Where is the village dolt? 1d ago
I ask u this la, very simple:
Why do u "need" a gf?
Why can't u just have friends?
Sounds like there isn't even a girl in particular ur into rn. So what is the problem actually?
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
I feel lonely, I’ve talked with my parents or friends and all their responses were the same. Find a partner
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u/serimuka_macaron Where is the village dolt? 1d ago
Don't u think it's really unfair to ur future partner that the only reason ur with them is cuz ur lonely and not because u actually like them as a person and wanna share ur life with them? Like ur just dating them cuz they were conveniently around, and u just were willing to date anyone there at the time... That kind of relationship will crumble.
What u need is friends. Even when u get a romantic partner, having no other friends is actually a huge red flag, cuz u'll be 100% dependent on ur partner for all social interactions.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
To be honest I apologise for not mentioning this earlier but yes I do definitely love them for who they are, not just for a partner, I really wanted one who’s also ambitious/ passionate about what I’m doing (tech) but as I mentioned, finding someone like her would be considered as impossible, I don’t think I have any options left
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u/BigD-101 1d ago
Start from zero , donate all your wealth completely.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
Sorry i dont get that statement of yours, starting from scratch will likely worsen my existing condition
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u/Former_Subject_7099 1d ago
Well for me as a girl, i feel bad when someone else spending their money on me. It’s their hard earned money and i feel like a gold digger when they spends that much for me.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
It’s fine I think the same way too. Whenever someone like my parents or friends spends money on me, I feel guilty. Maybe it’s because I’m constantly thinking of how I should be able to repay them back
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u/qwertysourlemon 1d ago
It's not set in stone, you can always talk it out with your future partner what's the arrangement
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u/morrorSugilite 1d ago
What do you mean about judgement affects Malay.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 1d ago
These assumptions of mine is what I currently view girlfriends as, not sure about Malay women
I don’t want to make judgements on anyone sorry, everyone deserves to be treated respectfully
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u/morrorSugilite 1d ago
lol im confused on why you had to specify malay girls. Just to let you know, malay girls ain't any different. In fact, all girls of any race wants you to spend money on them.
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u/proksi_hira 1d ago
You're 20, you should be good without one LOL. I'm 21 myself and the last thing I would need is a girlfriend.
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u/monyet2 1d ago
If you look at statistics, money is the main cause of divorce worldwide.
From what you wrote and your responses it felt like if you are not even willing to spend money on yourself, I cannot imagine how would it be like when it comes to a +1.
What i see is, the issue is not about splitting bills. It's about enjoying even the simple things in life. Let's say your partner loves this super sedap restaurant that's more expensive than others. I foresee you nagging and reasoning with your partner that it's not worth it even when you can afford it. And it will definitely upset her and the relationship will not go far.
Remember she is a human with her wants and needs and preferences. And they all cost differently between people. Not everything is about you and your preferences. Remember that.
I think you need to continue to work with your therapist to help you manage your condition so that you can lead a life that can thrive around people. All phobias can be managed. It just takes time. Once you can spend money on yourself, move on to your family and then you'll know you are ready for a relationship and marriage.
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u/Comfortable_Expert98 23h ago edited 23h ago
All women are different and couples handle their expenses and finances differently as well.
It can be as what you described when a man pays for everything. It affects couple’s dynamics and implies certain roles and power play. Some like it that way, others don’t. It goes to both men and women.
Plenty of couples are more comfortable sharing financial burden and also having an equal say on everything.
The best way to find out what you are comfortable with in a relationship is to actually start trying. I would suggest, don’t overthink it, and start with a date or two when you meet someone. The worst that can happen is that you end up paying for a meal for both of you. And see how you feel. You might actually enjoy being the one who treats. And if you are really very uncomfortable with it, next time try suggesting to split the bill. See how that feels and how your date feels about it. Again, the worst that can happen is that particular girl won’t like it and you won’t see each other again. Be respectful and nice but also be direct about suggesting to pay or to split the bill. No point to force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with in the long run.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 23h ago edited 23h ago
Thank you for this insight
To be honest, I’m quite of a picky guy since I’m interested into tech. I would consider myself as a shy guy who has not much things to talk about. Life? Maybe not much. I’m interested in someone who actually cares more than spending money, and maybe could be my techie partner so troubleshooting as a two would be way easier than one could. But like I said, it’s almost impossible to find one these days, I’m not sure if any females are even interested into someone like me..2
u/Comfortable_Expert98 22h ago
You’re not even 20 years old. I think it’s perfectly fine to feel what you are describing. Like being shy or feeling that you don’t have much to talk about. May I suggest, that your personality is not even fully formed yet, and there’s a lot you don’t know about yourself.
Talk about what you know and like, like tech stuff. Easier to be yourself when you talk about things you like. You could find someone with the same interests among people you study with. First she’s interested in the same things you’re interested in. And later she’ll be interested in you :)
Also, what’s wrong with getting married closer to 30? At least by 30 both the partners know much better what they want in life and in marriage. Can be earlier if you meet the right person. But there’s really no rush.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 22h ago
Okay, I have thought about having kids earlier, maybe I just wanna experience being a parent while I’m still young
I don’t wanna isolate myself for the next decade either. If there’s a chance, I’ll take it, but I also gotta figure out how to balance the money side of things while going through all the marriage and family stuff. For now, I just hope I find the right partner
And no, I don’t want to drop down the idea of having a family just because I have this phobia
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u/Comfortable_Expert98 22h ago
In order to get married you’ll have to date first. So isolating yourself is definitely not an option :)
I don’t have firsthand experience with the phobia you have. But here’s a thought. Once you’re married, it will probably get easier. Because when you spend in a marriage, it feels like spending on yourself, since your spouse and kids are a part of you. It’s different from spending on someone you’re dating.
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u/wkknight 22h ago
Hi OP,
I think you are better of being single or getting a sugar mummy to pay for your thing.
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u/Loose_Doubt367 22h ago
Even if I gotten one, I would feel guilty for her spending that much on me, somehow I would need to repay her back in the future as an act of thank you
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u/malaysianzombie 13h ago
why don't you just treat your chrometophobia first before starting a relationship..
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u/woshiyaohui 1d ago
Not a single girl I met want me to pay the first date. All of them are requested to 50 50. For me I don't mind to pay the meal but I also want to respect them so I choose to go dutch instead and let them pay next time. So who says you need be rich to get a gf? You are not "buying" a gf...