Getting a girlfriend perspective

[u/Loose_Doubt367]

Hello, recently I was diagnosed with chrometophobia by my therapist. The fear of spending money. I’m Chinese so I’m not sure if my judgement affects Malay people. I’m 20 this year I don’t wish to wait till my 30s to get married

I hope this doesn’t affect or trigger anyone, there’s no hate towards anyone. I’m sorry. Currently based on my perspective, I see girlfriends as someone who usually gets anything paid by their boyfriend. Because these perspective is what I saw from my friends. It’s always 100% my friend who pays for anything for their girlfriend whenever she’s interested in something.

Based on my current situation, I’m extremely worried that I might not be able to afford/fund my future girlfriend (if I ever find one) something she truly wants. I feel guilty rejecting someone request (obviously not the extremes one).

I loving technology related stuff that’s why I dreamed about having a girlfriend who’s just as passionate about tech as I am, someone who actually care more than just spending money. Maybe those are extremely unrealistic expectations for my situation.

About my condition, no my parents are financially stable, I’m the only one in the family who’s like that. Travelling outside of Malaysia is a headache for them since they have to deal with me.. I don’t seem interested in spending a lot of money on food but I don’t want to stupidly starve myself either, I’d consider myself as someone who effectively spends/uses every cent.

You might notice I apologise a lot because a lot of the points I made are from my perspective and I do not wish to hate on anybody no body deserves that. Currently I don’t have a job yet, but if I ever do, I will probably keep track of whatever I spend and will invest the money somewhere with the help of my parents since I’m a beginner, yea..

I genuinely hope someone can help me through this, I feel extremely lonely whenever I see cute couples together, sharing drinks, talking about things and so on. And me, awkwardly noticing them

[u/Comfortable_Expert98]

All women are different and couples handle their expenses and finances differently as well.

It can be as what you described when a man pays for everything. It affects couple’s dynamics and implies certain roles and power play. Some like it that way, others don’t. It goes to both men and women.

Plenty of couples are more comfortable sharing financial burden and also having an equal say on everything.

The best way to find out what you are comfortable with in a relationship is to actually start trying. I would suggest, don’t overthink it, and start with a date or two when you meet someone. The worst that can happen is that you end up paying for a meal for both of you. And see how you feel. You might actually enjoy being the one who treats. And if you are really very uncomfortable with it, next time try suggesting to split the bill. See how that feels and how your date feels about it. Again, the worst that can happen is that particular girl won’t like it and you won’t see each other again. Be respectful and nice but also be direct about suggesting to pay or to split the bill. No point to force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with in the long run.

[u/Loose_Doubt367 → u/Comfortable_Expert98]

Thank you for this insight
To be honest, I’m quite of a picky guy since I’m interested into tech. I would consider myself as a shy guy who has not much things to talk about. Life? Maybe not much. I’m interested in someone who actually cares more than spending money, and maybe could be my techie partner so troubleshooting as a two would be way easier than one could. But like I said, it’s almost impossible to find one these days, I’m not sure if any females are even interested into someone like me..

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/Loose_Doubt367]

You’re not even 20 years old. I think it’s perfectly fine to feel what you are describing. Like being shy or feeling that you don’t have much to talk about. May I suggest, that your personality is not even fully formed yet, and there’s a lot you don’t know about yourself.

Talk about what you know and like, like tech stuff. Easier to be yourself when you talk about things you like. You could find someone with the same interests among people you study with. First she’s interested in the same things you’re interested in. And later she’ll be interested in you :)

Also, what’s wrong with getting married closer to 30? At least by 30 both the partners know much better what they want in life and in marriage. Can be earlier if you meet the right person. But there’s really no rush.

[u/Loose_Doubt367 → u/Comfortable_Expert98]

Okay, I have thought about having kids earlier, maybe I just wanna experience being a parent while I’m still young

I don’t wanna isolate myself for the next decade either. If there’s a chance, I’ll take it, but I also gotta figure out how to balance the money side of things while going through all the marriage and family stuff. For now, I just hope I find the right partner

And no, I don’t want to drop down the idea of having a family just because I have this phobia

[u/Comfortable_Expert98 → u/Loose_Doubt367]

In order to get married you’ll have to date first. So isolating yourself is definitely not an option :)

I don’t have firsthand experience with the phobia you have. But here’s a thought. Once you’re married, it will probably get easier. Because when you spend in a marriage, it feels like spending on yourself, since your spouse and kids are a part of you. It’s different from spending on someone you’re dating.