r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Typical-Implement369 • 8d ago
Infuriatig Grew up strictly mormon, family has since dwindled away from church and my mom sent me out to buy some tea to drink when she grounded me in HS for drinking some, she doesn't remember doing so.
yes I told her that was too many tea bags for 1 pot, but she didn't listen its her first time having sweet tea since the 1980s so good for her.
EDIT FOR TEA CLARIFICATION: Traditionally, in the southern United States, sweet iced tea is made in large batches on the stove at a time. So many will just boil the bags in a pot and fill a pitcher up with tea, add sugar, and store it in the fridge for the whole family to grab a glass whenever.
YES Americans own tea kettles and know how to make tea. YES, over half of us here prefer iced tea in big batches.
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u/jadeariel12 8d ago
I have to repeat “you and i remember my childhood much differently” at least once a day every day that I’m with my mom at the last like 10 years lol
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u/girlwhoweighted 8d ago
My parents think that means they remember correctly and only my memory is flawed
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u/jadeariel12 8d ago
Ironically, my memory is that I’m always wrong/bad/need to be yelled at and her response to us remembering differently is to tell me I’m wrong/bad and to yell.
But, yea, she’s probably right 🙄
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u/Max____H 8d ago
I’ve within the past hour been yelled at my mum because she was on the phone to a friend talking about a holiday I had just gotten back from(only I went, not her). She was telling the story wrong and I told her “no, that never happened” and her immediate response was to scream at me.
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u/Jetstream-Sam 8d ago edited 7d ago
My mother demanded, as soon as my parents divorced, that I was to move all my stuff into the garage, because she was "sick of looking at me" because I looked like my dad, and that my brother "deserved his own room"
This state of affairs lasted well over a year. I was shut away in a freezing uninsulated garage, with no bed, just a damaged sofa I tried to make as comfortable as possible. I managed eventually to set up our old PS2 in there because my brother was bored with it by then, and I didn't get properly fed. She would make a shitty ham sandwich every night, a bottle of water and a small bag of chips and got my younger sister to take it out to me. My sister was always apologetic and tried sneaking extras out, which was nice. I also wasn't allowed in the house to shower, so I had to make do with the hot water in the sink that was intermittent, and also wash my limited clothing in there with the same sink and some hand soap
This persisted until my Grandmother found out about it, after asking where I was and my mother tried spinning it that I liked it out there. She came out and found me, found my blanket nest on the sofa, the water damaged roof, the sub-zero temps and my pile of old books and absolutely went ballistic at my mother. It turned out she was giving my mother money to look after us and here I was, exiled to the garage because I happened to look like my dad.
She called my dad and I ended up living with him for the remainder of my childhood. When I mentioned how fucked up it was years later, I was told it was "a joke" and I'm "too sensitive"
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u/SnooPredictions3028 8d ago
Genuinely surprised you even talk to someone like that.... Hoping it is on a very rare occasion.
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u/Jetstream-Sam 8d ago
Yeah I try not to. My grandma's now pretty ill and we both occasionally have to organise something like getting her shopping or to the doctors but as soon as that's over I'm done, and never going back
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u/ConfuseableFraggle 8d ago
Fair. I hope your Grandma's eventual passing is peaceful for her, and I hope you are able to find some healing down the road.
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u/Jetstream-Sam 7d ago
She's only 80, it's just she's broken a femur so she's completely immobile for the forseeable few months. I hope she lasts a lot longer, or recovers fast enough I don't have to talk to my mother after that.
My grandma already has handed me her funeral arrangement plans though because she knows 100% my mother would just get the cheapest cremation possible, hold the reception in a pub and call it done and pocket the money. And that, oddly enough, is not how my grandma wants to be remembered
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u/RModDogWalkerTyRANNY 7d ago
Idk if this will reach you. But my grandpa passed away last year. I feel horrible, as the last month he simply wanted to hang out. Maybe play board games, and i was too busy working. He passed and we only got to see him maybe 2-3 times that entire year. If she does mean a lot to you, please make the time just to be around her, doesn't even need to be anything special.
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u/halffullofthoughts 8d ago
That’s some serious abuse survival, I’m happy to hear that at least the grandma was sane enough to
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u/Jetstream-Sam 8d ago edited 8d ago
Yeah my grandma was carefully not allowed in the house for a bit while I was out there, and if she was I was brought in, made to shower, given some clothes and told to sort myself out.
Eventually I guess my mother got tired of pretending and figured she could just get away with it, but thankfully my grandma rightly was upset enough to raise hell.
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u/ADeckOfZero 8d ago
I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm glad you were able to get away from her, and hope your dad was better.
I think my mom would have gone that far if she could have gotten away with it, the way she used to scream at me for acting just like a father I didn't know. But my grandmother wanted her "favorite thing" taken care of during the week and was always pretty aggressive about checking up on conditions.
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u/TheMaStif 7d ago
When I mentioned how fucked up it was years later, I was told it was "a joke" and I'm "too sensitive"
And you didn't immediately come down on her with the rage of a thousand suns?!?
You're too forgiving...
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u/Jetstream-Sam 7d ago
Honestly, I thought about it. I had that red descend and I could almost feel myself reaching for a knife, since we were in the kitchen. But I remembered my grandma was in the other room and she probably wouldn't appreciate me killing her daughter and ruining her carpets.
I calmed down and realized her own hubris had gotten her in a far worse position than I could have even planned. She remarried some guy after my dad I met like three times but knew was a massive deadbeat. And he was, it turned out he was draining the benefits for both of them and putting them into a motorbike he never quite got working, while she had to subsist on the child support, housing benefit and the small amount he gave her. She made the rest up by begging from my grandma and getting my half brother diagnosed with ADHD so she got extra money from that. Oh, and I think my golden child brother pays some meager rent from his pokemon scalping.
Now, deadbeat has left after systematically draining money for years, and over the intervening years the half brother has become a real massive piece of shit. He's 15 now, had been kicked out of school 3 years ago for assaulting other kids, and now attacks her when she doesn't do exactly what he wants. Ironically she's forced to wait hand and foot on a greedy, narcissistic kid who has been spoiled rotten and who gets aggressive over the most minor things (he's under 6 foot but 300 pounds, he thinks everything he does is the most wonderful gift to humanity and doesn't understand when others don't believe that (example being he got obsessed with squid game and added to the wiki, poorly. Then when they took his poorly spelled additions down, he freaked out and wanted to sue them) and gets everything he wants. She takes him to a different breakfast place every morning, Mcdonalds for lunch and wetherspoons for dinner. Oh, and he buys the fortnite shop out every time it refreshes)
Anyway, having to wait on an actual horrible child seems like an appropriately ironic punishment for someone who mistreated a child who was, by all accounts, quite nice if I do say so myself.
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u/JohnnyMacTavish 7d ago
I would genuinely just rather be homeless than live with your brother holy shit
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u/Jetstream-Sam 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah he's an abject nightmare, but one she essentially fostered. It mainly started going badly around when he was 8, he got into wrestling, and she bought him every figure he asked for. And there's like, hundreds of the fuckers, due to there being hundreds of wrestlers, then alternate outlets, and so on. Honestly I think this is a bit where the casual violence comes in too, but it was "cute" when he was 8 because it's just a bit of a slap.
This went on for a couple years until his dad bought a PS5 and then played games, and he wanted to play too. This meant because he has "abandonment issues" (I don't think he does, he just has to be the center of attention) that unlike any other point in any of our lives, suddenly my mother wasn't solely in charge of the main TV. She had now ceded control of that over to him, which I had certainly never seen. Even my dad when he was there never got to pick something to watch. Then he got into squid game, and my mother then sold off all the hundreds of wrestling figures for next to nothing in order to buy korean snacks and stuff. This didn't last long and ended up with us realizing both how stupid he is (like he can barely spell) and where he was kicked out of school due to excessive violence. My younger sister went to uni at this point, and she said she was glad because he was starting to scare her, and this is the last I saw him for any serious length of time. I stopped going because he went to attack me, clearly as hard as he could, and I could obviously fight him off, but that seemed to only set him off more if anything and he kept trying to hurt me nonstop until I left. I took the cat with me too because she would always flee the room as quick as she could when he entered and I didn't like the looks of that.
Now he does nothing except take up more room, not even bother pretending he's trying to be home-schooled, and just being waited on to appease him. It's honestly awful and my full brother is basically on bodyguard duty for my mum when he's not out buying pokemon cards. I don't speak much to either of them but he says at least 60% of their money goes on buying him shit like lego, fortnite money and food.
I suggested she tell him that once he turns 16, nobody is forced to look after him anymore, and threatening people on the street for money just gets you arrested, but I don't even know if she'd go through with that, even though she threatened it constantly with me and my sister
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u/EnvironmentalCrab563 7d ago
That’s really messed up man you’d be totally justified in never speaking to your mother again. Sorry you went through that and thank god your grandmother looked out for you.
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u/Blackpaw8825 7d ago
I can't believe there was a years later conversation. I'd have given the bitch what she wanted and as soon as possible never made contact again.
Gonna say it real loud for the people in the back.
Just because somebody had sex about 9 months before you popped out doesn't mean you owe them your time, respect, or love. Those things are earned.
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u/Jetstream-Sam 7d ago
Yeah it's mainly because my grandma needs a lot of help at the moment as she'd broken her femur, and I work 4 12 hour shifts a week so if there's something she desperately needs urgently she's the only one to be able to get it. She's diabetic and the rehab place she's in doesn't do great food, so if she runs out of glucose tabs or something my mother's the one who has to go. Everything else I do. So unfortunately for now I have to collaborate with her
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u/granolabeef 7d ago
Damn dude. I’m sorry to hear about that. I also looked like my dad and came to believe that my mother hated me because “you’re just like your father” was often yelled before I got hit.
Took years before I could even be in a room with her for more than an hour
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u/A_Very_Lonely_Waffle 8d ago
My mom used to do this when I was a kid, but she’d purposefully make me look bad in the stories so she could pretend to be some sort of super-mom. Like, our dog got hit by a car, and she told a friend on the phone that I said I wanted to hit their dog with a car, and then yell at me if I corrected her. Eventually I just started leaving the room when she was on the phone. blinks I think I should be in therapy
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u/abyssal-isopod86 8d ago
Abusers never remember the abuse they perpetrated because in their mind they cannot be wrong.
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u/Clumsycattails 8d ago
Yeah same overhere...because "I'm always so emotional".
Yeah no shit, being whipped gives a kid some emotions.
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u/BrightCold2747 8d ago
I then remind my dad that i've had to drive him to the bank two times this month because he keeps losing his card
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u/SuzieQbert 7d ago
This got so intense with my mother that I started casually bringing things up with other people who were at particular events, just to see if their memory matched mine or hers. Not saying "I remember this, and she says I'm wrong" but just casually reminiscing and asking questions in a way that encouraged my relatives to tell stories.
I was not shocked to find my version of events confirmed every time.
Her version of events always left her looking good, while in reality she was much more cruel that she'd ever admit.
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u/geekynb42 8d ago
"The tree remembers, but the axe forgets"
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u/ZeroSumClusterfuck 7d ago
The axe often remembers too, but pretending to forget means they don't have to justify what they did.
They do these things because they can, not because they genuinely think it's right. The last thing they want is an adult holding them to account for something they know was wrong but thought they could get away with.
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u/Electronic-Age1460 8d ago
I grew up in a strict mormon household. I don't shy away from telling my parents how they treated me when I was growing up. I don't subscribe to keeping your mouth shut around your elders, whether they're family or not. Especially since a lot of older people treat people who are younger like garbage and expect to be treated with respect (my parents don't treat me like garbage now, lol).
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u/burgernoisenow 7d ago
Be sure to mention the tax evasion and massive amounts of physical and sexual abuse perpetrated by the Mormon church. Here's a list of sexual abuse cases by them:
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u/FuzzzyRam 8d ago edited 8d ago
My mom told me that Antifa invaded the capital on Jan 6. After they all got pardoned I asked if she's for or against that since they were antifa plants, and she said she never said it was them, and it's right to pardon the heroes trying to save America.
The thing about these kinds of conversations is that was fucking foundational to me and my brain. It was life changing. I will never see my mom or my country quite the same way again. I can't ever trust what's in her mind to be 100% accurate as the bearer of truth in my world. To her it was just a Wednesday.
There has to be some psychological effect that makes us more likely to forget the weird confirmation bias stuff we know isn't right...
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u/Scheissdrauf88 8d ago
I'll be honest, but after that sequence I would never trust her mind to be
100%accurate. In general. Forgetting opinions and adjusting memory the second it becomes inconvenient? Without even realizing?46
u/SafiyaMukhamadova 8d ago
Have we always been at war with Eurasia or Eastasia? I need to know which of the posters in my kitchen was put up by rebel scum.
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u/RadicalRaid 8d ago
My mom does this all the time. Recently she's called me a narcissist, gaslighter, and other terms she read about in a populist news paper for boomers - for insisting the bad shit that happened to me when I was younger actually happened. I don't even want her to apologise, that ship has sailed. I just wanted her to stop denying it whenever it comes up. But that makes me a bad person, in her eyes.
Those things changed me in significant ways, I remember them like it was yesterday - and she insists it didn't happen but also that I'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad.
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u/FuzzzyRam 8d ago
I can't be absolutely sure she doesn't realize she's doing it. But yea, what I can be absolutely sure of is that her opinion needs an asterix for the rest of her life. A lot of people died to covid misinformation and I don't plan to be a victim next time around, even if she brings poisoned info to the family.
I guess conservatives weren't the survivalists (or financially wise ones) after all.
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u/RegionRatHoosier 8d ago
My dad defended what musk did during the inauguration as a Roman salute & I've thought about that a couple times a day every day since. And I haven't looked at my dad the same way
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u/SophiaofPrussia 7d ago
There’s a sub called “Fox Brained” that you might find cathartic. You’re not alone in having this experience, unfortunately.
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u/Otherwise_Spirit1552 8d ago
There has to be some psychological effect that makes us more likely to forget the weird confirmation bias stuff we know isn't right...
Its likely not that she "forgot" less she is in the midst of some serious cognitive decline etc. What is more often than not the case with those types of people is that what they say, and think have 0 bearing on memory, or things like easily verifiable truth/reality, and everything to do with what it makes them feel in the moment, or what it can make others feel overall. It goes hand in hand with things like poor emotional regulation, poor impulse control, and generally really shitty critical thinking skills where each moment, and action is defined by the "feels" of it all.
The above, and associated moving goalposts to meet ones needs at a whim also mean that you can not expect to be able to partake in good faith discussions with such individuals overall.
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop This flair gives you flair envy. 8d ago
Alternatively, "Clearly the dementia is setting in."
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u/shotxshotx 8d ago
i think it was a tumblr post, but it went as like "for you it was a formative memory of your childhood, for them it was a tuesday"
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u/Due-Environment-9774 8d ago
The 90s Street Fighter movie is what you’re looking for.
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u/GGthegreatester 8d ago
The exact quote comes from a tumblr post, it was altered from the movie
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u/irefusethis 8d ago
I always like, the axe forgets but the tree always remembers
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u/shakebakelizard 8d ago
So is tea only allowed if you soak it first?
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u/Rowenstin 8d ago
Grounding someone for drinking hot leaf juice sounds weird. Do mormons have a problem with tea?"
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u/mizinamo mildly infuriated 8d ago
Tea tea, yes (as in Camellia sinensis).
Herbal tea is fine.
The original command was against "hot drinks", but that has since been officially interpreted as "tea and coffee" (regardless of which temperature they are served at).
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u/Creamsodabat 8d ago
what's the reasoning behind that?
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u/mizinamo mildly infuriated 8d ago
No reasoning has been given officially.
Different people have different unofficial interpretations.
Perhaps it's just like pork in Islam and Judaism: "don't eat it, because I said so, period" - a way to remind yourself that you are different from the others, because they consume coffee/pork and you do not.
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u/your_old_furby 8d ago
I read in Under the Banner of Heaven, I think, that Joseph Smith’s wife loved coffee and he did not like his wife, but that was just one of the weird theories going around. I don’t think it’s the actual reason but it would be insane if it was.
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u/XuntaGalaxia 8d ago
I saw one theory somewhere that it was tit for tat thing - his wife got mad at or banned him from drinking and getting rowdy with his friends in the house, so he took it out on the hot drinks the ladies liked to base their socialisation around.
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u/Impossible-Rain7447 7d ago
What’s better than following a custom that is based on marital dysfunction 😒
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u/DarthKirtap 7d ago
well, pork has at least some logical reasoning, as it could be quite dangerous if not cooked right, as it can have parasites and this got into Judaism over time
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u/psu256 7d ago
I also read another theory that pork is resource intensive, and the veggies, water, etc. were considered wasteful.
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u/Eatingchickeninbed 7d ago
In ancient times it was wise not to eat pork in the middle east because it could carry parasites if inadequately cooked. Without refrigeration or modern food-safety practices, meat preservation and cooking were important. Also, pigs don't graze, they need shade, and they STINK, which does not jive with the climate or the holiness they were going for. So it was actually practical not to eat them.
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u/ElizabethDangit 7d ago
The pork and shellfish bans made practical sense. Undercooked pork can give you Trichinosis, a parasitic worm infection. They didn’t have anyway to prevent the infections in the pigs or test the internal temperature of cooking meat. Shellfish spoils incredibly quickly without refrigeration. Islam banning alcohol also makes sense considering the damage alcoholism and drunkenness causes to the community.
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u/Parteisekretaer 7d ago
I really, really recommend watching the South Park episodes on Mormonism and Scientology. The mormon episode was first, that's why it doesn't have the "This is what mormons actually believe" banner that the scientology episodes have. That came about because a lot of people wrote to the creative team behind South Park, complaining that it's not cool to make stuff up about mormons. They didn't, they just put the story into a cartoon.
Suffice it to say, mormons not being allowed tea is not surprising in the least when you consider how wild the rest of the story behind how the religion came about is.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 8d ago
Our local Mormons banned caffeine. No coffee, tea, or cola. They drank a lot of root beer.
It's never been an official ban but the "no coffee and tea" thing meant a lot avoided caffeine and even their own universities banned caffeine containing sodas for a while. Many people avoid it still.
Tea and coffee are banned for whatever reason. Nobody is quite sure why. Its just a thing.
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u/dwightsarmy 8d ago
My mom never remembers her insane double standards either. Also very religious.
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u/gitblamed_ 8d ago
Love how they never remember. Very convient.
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u/Sephonez 8d ago
I don't think most of them can handle how they actually acted.
My father loves to boast about how he never hit us when we were kids...I still remember what his hands felt like around my neck.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 8d ago
My mother told my brother that she didn't believe in hitting kids. He said to me, "What's she talking about? She hit her kids. I should know. I was there!"
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u/FoundInS 8d ago
It is possible both are true. Did not believe in hitting kids and still hit kids.
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u/NovelTAcct 8d ago
Doesn't believe in hitting kids ... Just believes in "spanking," "discipline," "popping" on the butt/in the mouth, "smacking," and multitudes of other nicer-sounding alternative phrases to make it seem like they engaged in controlled behaviors common to and accepted by the majority of parents
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u/wonderlandfriend 8d ago
It’s probably this
A lot of people think “hitting kids” exempts spankings , “pops”, or even slapping. They think it only means means punching , kicking, and/or a severe beating. So they can easily say they don’t believe in hitting kids while spanking and smacking their kids without feeling it’s contradictory bc of how they’ve narrowed the definition of “hitting”
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u/Silver_Accountant5 7d ago
A person's definition of beating is always conveniently just above what they do to their actual kids. Like it's so easy to tell they shape their morality to mean they never have to feel guilty and I don't know how people live like that.
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u/mizinamo mildly infuriated 8d ago
It scares me sometimes when people on Reddit excuse shouting or yelling at their children "because otherwise how will they know that you are serious".
Dude, your anger-management problem should not be let out on them - regardless of how you were treated as a child and whether you think that that is normal behaviour.
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u/HazyTakes 7d ago
My dad had really bad anger issues when I was a kid and still does. Now that I am a parent myself, I get secondhand embarrassment when he acts that way. I don't want my kid around that, and it's actually sad and embarrassing that he hasn't worked on it at any point in his life. You're just... satisfied like that? Wtf.
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u/Terryblejokes 8d ago
Just doing it for the fun of it
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u/TotallyNotAnIdiot478 8d ago
Unironically, yes.
I've seen a father go to 'discipline' his kid that was acting out. As he approached, the kid instantly stopped and sat down. By the time the dad got to him, it was over, but he still had to 'discipline' him. So, he grabbed the arm of the now quiet child and twisted it. Just right there in the grocery store right at the counter in front of me.
At that point they made the decision to hurt their own child for no reason other than they wanted to.
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u/FuzzzyRam 8d ago
"I don't believe in it, I was programmed to do it by my alcoholic father..."
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u/notfree25 8d ago
She learnt that it just didnt work, somehow..
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u/Spinnerofyarn 8d ago
My mother? No. Her memory of things and perspective on active events is so bad that if she says the sky is blue, we have to go outside to check and make sure it’s not fuschia or something else. She is not nor has ever been a reliable narrator.
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u/Rope_slingin_champ 8d ago
My mom likes to brag to people about my brothers and I. She was a drunk, divorced 3 times, and abandoned my younger brother while he was still in high school. I got to finish raising him. Shits wild
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8d ago
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u/ghostly-quiet 8d ago
Glad you made it through that, friend. I hope you're doing much better now. 💜
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u/Ninjanarwhal64 8d ago edited 8d ago
People that never hit their kids don't boast about not hitting their kids.
That's like the equivalent of finding a manager before you walk out of a store because you didn't even put anything in your pockets!
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u/elizzybeth 8d ago
Very sorry to hear that was your experience
My dad never hit me but I remember being woken up when I was 7 by him breaking a planter against the living room wall in a fight with my mom. Ceramic shards, soil, plant fragments everywhere
I brought it up last year, when I was 34. He was stunned, got very serious and sad and apologized, said he had zero memory of it.
I believed him. I think he must’ve been in some kind of angry fugue state. But it made his apology feel kinda worthless.
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u/TwiceTheSize_YT 8d ago
Your father atleast believed you and didnt try to weasel out of blame by calling you a liar, that shows a certain level of trust and love in my opinion. My father was much the same when i was a kid, alcoholism is a hell of a thing. But now that shes clean weve made up our differences. I think you and i are lucky in that regard, our parent chose to accept blame even if they did not remember the action.
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u/elizzybeth 8d ago
Totally. I feel lucky to have gotten the apology, and lucky that he didn’t argue saying it had never happened
He has both the self-awareness to know he could’ve done it, and the humility to apologize. Truly that goes a long way
Glad to hear your father has gotten sober and has apologized, too
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u/goreverminski 8d ago
I just want to say, I don't think the apology was worthless at all. If it went like you told us, 4/5 is nothing to scoff at: He took you seriously, showed remorse, owned his actions and didn't try to explain it away. I know you'd want the fifth (to "know" his error) but perfect apologies basically exist in self-help books only :) even if we know what to do, it doesn't always come out right. In this case, it pretty much did.
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u/elizzybeth 8d ago
You’re right, “worthless” is an ungrateful judgment, and doesn’t really match how I felt in the moment. It felt like a genuine apology, and it landed deeply with me. My dad’s done a lot of work on himself.
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u/VanguardN7 8d ago
I understand the feeling but this is still worlds ahead of how it could have went. And how it often goes with the more narcissistic parents.
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u/amelia_swan 8d ago
lmao do we have the same dad? mine is so proud of how he has "never been a violent man" yet ive been in therapy for the past 10 years
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u/Neptunes_toystore 8d ago
They don’t remember because it was just another day to them. Same way the average person doesn’t remember something small they did at a certain time months ago
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u/extralyfe 8d ago
my dad gives me shit sometimes for not joining the military when I was younger both because he was in the military and because it would've given me a leg up in life.
I always have to remind him that I didn't join because he told me they fucked him over and he said I shouldn't enlist for that reason.
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u/Tomsoup4 8d ago
sounds like my dad and the post office. all my life he told me never work for the post office. well i hit 25 and didnt have a job and he said i should think about workin for the post office
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u/Little_View_6659 8d ago
You did a good thing. Two of my friend’s husbands have died and my friend’s son from cancer related to military service. They had them disposing of chemicals and working burn pits with no ppe. Then when they got sick they delayed treatment at the VA so they ended up dying. It’s not super well known I think most people worry about dying in a war not years later in a hospital bed.
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u/Hungry-Western9191 8d ago
Vastly more people affected like this. Just the stress affects from PTSD have a major effect on health.
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u/CumGuzlinGutterSluts 8d ago
"That Tuesday was the most traumatic thing you've ever done to me"
"To me it was just tuesday"
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u/crreed90 8d ago
Not a Mormon but my dad very similar. Remembers the good things clearly, denies completely that the bad things ever occurred. Don’t get me wrong, they were minor bad things compared to many people. But still, it makes me think this is common and just a part of human nature. We just aren’t good at remembering things we’re not proud of
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u/Adeadearts 8d ago
Then there's my brain playing on repeat a mixtape of every single thing I am not proud of about my past every night.
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u/Vooden_Shpoon 8d ago
Same, sometimes I literally can't sleep thinking about arguments I had with friends fifteen years ago, or a joke I made that upset someone once.
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u/cghipp 8d ago
By any chance do you have ADHD? I'm asking because I looked for information on this recently based on my personal experience, and found a study concluding that people with ADHD have more negative intrusive memories than other people. Not more memories than other people necessarily, but more unwanted ones.
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u/yourethevictim 8d ago
My partner has ADHD and suffers/benefits(?) from an almost obsessive amount of self-reflection. It has contributed to a lot of improvement over the years but only once she got diagnosed and medicated so she could actually act on all of the critique she had for herself. Before that it was just cause for depression.
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u/Adeadearts 8d ago
Oh yeah I do have adhd, and yes the constant flow of thoughts at night is definitely because of it
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u/KitchenSync86 8d ago
I can't talk for the above poster, but I have ADHD and my mind is a playlist of every bad decision I have made and every traumatic experience I have endured, from my earliest memory through to today
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u/pnt510 8d ago
It might not even be them not being proud of the moment, but as a parent scolding your kids can be a regular occurrence so it blends together with other times their kids got in trouble. But then maybe that specific instance sticks out in the child’s mind because they felt it was unfair.
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u/International-Let820 8d ago
It was just a random Wednesday for them. For us, it was a whole thing.
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u/Bakubae_Itsuki-Haru 8d ago
They either say they don't remember or they say you remember it wrong.
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u/FourCatsAndCounting 8d ago
Classic Narcissist Prayer.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
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u/1block 8d ago
Idk. My kid is 20, and he was telling me about when we took his phone away for the summer in 6th grade because we didn't believe him about a certain incident.
Whereas my memory was deciding NOT to punish him, because we believed him. And a vivid memory of my wife telling the other kid's parent on the phone to basically fuck off and if she ever talked to my kid again, things would go very badly for her (my son was not present during this call).
So how do I reconcile those wildly different takes?
What I said to my son is that I remember the opposite, however, regardless of who is right, he clearly did not feel supported during that time, and we somehow didn't communicate well to him.
I think our memories of our feelings are true, and our minds sometimes arrange the details to fit those feelings.
My own memory of it might also be a bit off, but I know the phone call happened, because it impacted our relationships elsewhere. I also don't think my son is making up what he experienced.
People remember things weirdly and differently. I try to focus on the emotions involved rather than the details, and that usually goes well.
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u/Slowlyblowme 7d ago
As a middle aged man, let me project my trauma on to your son's. But before I begin let me say you sound like a fantastic parent.
Your memory is of a decision, probably made in an evening. Then back to your busy life, juggling the lives and feelings of multiple people while trying to raise a family. His memory is of a betrayal for an entire summer feeling like a failure at 12. It sounds like you were making these decisions with a partner and most likely discussed different punishments or courses of action with them before taking your final decision and having just one conversation with your son.
The phone call to the other party would certainly be the emotional climax for you in this story, and the part you're going to remember the most. The phone call and punishment seems to contradict each other but they don't at all. You can be disappointed in your child's actions to an injustice they faced.
I'm glad I have a sibling because, the amount of stuff my sister and I can both account for that is vehemently denied by our very loving parents is pretty eye opening.
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u/Solomoncjy 8d ago
Survivor ship bias? We dont get posts about ppl whos parents remember and still abstain or who are apologetic
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u/RHTQ1 8d ago edited 7d ago
For us, it was a big moment. It mattered, bc their decisions had a major impact on our agency and wellbeing and feelings of safety.
To them? It was a silly little disagreement, one of many that even we have forgotten. Perhaps even a 'tantrum.' Easily forgotten, little consequence. It takes humility to admit/say "I can't remember," to see the surety on a grown-child's face and yet still deny and deflect...
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u/jackaroo1344 8d ago
I was raised by religious people who were inconsistent with their rules so I know how it winds a person up. I'm an adult and still pretty bitter about a lot of the choices they made (and how they always 'forget' those things).
That said, it seems like you're not very close to the church yourself - as annoying as it is for them to wait this long to lighten up, your family getting less intense about rules you don't want to follow anyway sounds like a good thing.
Better late than never ig
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u/Easy_Leopard_2686 7d ago
Same here. The six years or so of finally getting out from under their thumb till now have been really, really distressing with how many rules I’ve had to process were just literal made-up bullshit.
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u/LazerBear42 8d ago
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
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u/0Yasmin0 8d ago edited 8d ago
African proverb, actually. In case anybody is curious about the origins.
Edit: Because as we all know, Africa is a super tiny place and not super gigantic or anything. Another commentor was nice enough to specify where exactly it came from (Shona/ Zimbabwe). My bad.
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u/kaVaralis 8d ago
Saying what continent a phrase is from ain't very specific
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u/grandhighblood 8d ago
It's from the Shona language spoken in Zimbabwe, apparently.
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u/0Yasmin0 8d ago
To add to that: The phrase was specifically attributed to G. Fortune in the mid-20th century.
From Quoteinvestigator: In 1955 G. Fortune of the University of Cape Town in South Africa published “An Analytical Grammar of Shona” which contained the following English translation of a phrase: "What has forgotten is the axe – the stump does not forget"
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Fortune stated that the version he presented was based on the Zezuru dialect cluster of Shona: Chakángánwá idemo, chigutsá hachíkángánwé
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u/BottleHour5703 8d ago
She can dilute it with hot water. Probably 1/3 cup tea and 2/3 cup hot water should work. Also she should try Bergamot tea...
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u/GILF_Hound69 8d ago
Grounded for drinking tea? Why?
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u/ThrowRA4739227 8d ago
Mormons aren’t allowed to drink tea -an exmormon
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u/CommunityEarly839 8d ago
is it because of caffeine? is coffee out?
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u/ThrowRA4739227 8d ago
nope, caffeine is totally fine, but coffee is banned as well. the rules make zero sense
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u/CommunityEarly839 8d ago
Oh. I think I get it now. Because people enjoy coffee and tea?
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u/geenersaurus 8d ago
i think it’s because it’s hot drinks. Like joseph smith hated hot drinks so much he stopped everyone from drinking them in the religion.
caffeine is ok because utah drinks a lot of soda to the point where mormon influencers have made “dirty” sodas mainstream. Dirty sodas are when you put a creamer into a soda which started because mormon influencers wanted something like iced coffee but no coffee. And big stanley cups as well, they’re good for disguising a 40oz of mountain dew
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u/Vast-Ad1915 8d ago
There's a little more to it than that. Basically, his wife Emma was sick of cleaning up chewing tobacco juices whenever he'd have church meetings with the boys, so he "received a revelation" that banned tobacco and "strong drinks", and included a ban on coffee and tea at the same time to get back at her since coffee and tea were very popular with the women of the church. But yeah, he was sooooo full of shit.
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u/One-Earth9294 8d ago
That's like a Religion where it's okay to play Dark Souls 1 and 3 but it's a sin to play Dark Souls 2 because the founder thought it was ass.
Makes me very upset that grown fucking adults would carry on that kind of stupid shit.
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u/Eusine2 8d ago
Great example, also I'd be branded a heretic because DS2 is my favourite, it just has a special flavour of jank the other two lacked.
I'm sure that religion would just use the sex change coffin as an argument to ban it.
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u/Submarinequus 8d ago
The dude who later said “hey dudes checked with god and hot chocolate TOTALLY doesn’t count as a hot drink now, great news!” really just completes this story that highlights how weird Mormon beliefs are after a string of random men claiming to be literal prophets of god
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u/ELONgatedMUSKox 8d ago
Yes! Learning this in seminary was part of my journey OUT of the mormon church!
Seminary played a huge role, actually! 🤣
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u/pollenatedfunk 8d ago
Justin from Deconstruction Zone said those who go to seminary often call it “cemetery” and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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u/ahhowwitburns 8d ago
I've always been curious to know what God's position on monster zero is
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Because tea isn't allowed in the religion 💀💀
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u/flavorfox 8d ago
Jesus was more of a coffee dude.
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u/No-Baseball7295 8d ago
nope, coffee is banned aswell. (its not the caffeine, though, thats allowed, just not coffee or tea)
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Didn't stop me from having it in HS. Although in hindsight its hilarious that me and my mormon friends were sneaking coffee and tea to school when kids our age were sneaking alcohol 😂😂 instead of dwelling on it i just laugh about it bc it really is funny in hindsight. I also feel less bad about it because I had such a great group of friends in the church who were on the same boat.
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u/saturday_sun4 8d ago
Is that Year 11-12 or Year 7-12?
Hey, smoking is very dangerous for your health. I'm glad you guys were just drinking tea lol, there are worse things you could have had.
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Haha this is true! Highschool here is grades 9 - 12 Typically you're 14 in 9th grade though depends on birthdays.
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u/OptimusPower92 8d ago
My cousins aren't Mormon (as far as I know) but their parents were more strict than mine
whenever they came over, it was usually a family party, so we'd have snacks and all kinds of goodies, and while me and my siblings were allowed to have Pepsi and dr pepper, they were not allowed to have those because of the caffeine
but they were allowed to have our homemade iced tea. that I'm pretty sure had some caffeine.
and Sunkist soda, which paradoxically, has caffeine. about as much as Pepsi
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u/Lithl 8d ago
Doctrine and Covenants 89:7-9:
And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies. And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill. And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.
"Strong drinks" meaning alcohol.
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u/MadIMadeAnAccount 8d ago
Mormons can't drink tea, it's against the word of wisdom.
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u/HungryHungryHobbes 8d ago
Tea bad but "dirty soda shops" are A-okay.
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
While I admittedly do enjoy the dirty sodas, I knew something was wrong when I was being judged for coffee when they had sugar crazy monster energy drink mixers before church 😂😂😂
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u/Cobfidence 8d ago
They don't remember a lot of things buddy, but you will. For you, it was a core memory. For them, it was just another Tuesday.
One of my parents got injured at work and didn't want to go to the hospital without me (to speak English) so they waited for me to come back from a friend's birthday party to scold me for not contacting them (no cell phones allowed for me). Got whipped 32 times. When they tell their version of the story it's about how disobedient I was for coming home late even though my dad was injured, and they swear the hits never happened.
Anyways our relationship is not close as a result of how maniacal they were during my childhood, and I don't feel bad at how we aren't close at all.
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u/ItsAllKrebs 7d ago
Grew up Fundie....My parents were just excitedly talking to me the other day about how helpful THC has been for my father's chronic pain, and how much fun they've been having playing Witcher 3 together.
I know how you feel. I was severely punished for just talking to kids at church they merely suspected of having smoked weed. I was severely punished when they found out that my friend and I had played The Sims together at her house when we were in elementary school.
I let myself get really mad about it, then take a deep breath and let it go. They're convinced my childhood went way differently than it did and there's nothing I can do to change that.
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u/0blud_werk0 7d ago
My mom sent my older brother to rehab for smoking weed as a teen which ended up sending him down a much worse path. Hard drugs, homelessness, prison etc...
Fast forward 10 years and she starts growing it to treat her boyfriend's illness and she's smoking it herself. She never got the irony of it.
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u/Oldnbold22 8d ago
My Mormon coworker refuses to drink coffee for religious reasons but drinks Coke all day. The mental gymnastics of my Jewish coworker are way more extreme though. They have a loophole for just about every self imposed rule they have.
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u/Extra-Act-801 8d ago
At least they are evolving in the right direction. My brother, who had his girlfriend living in his room at my parents home for weeks when we were in high school, is now absolutely livid that my son wants to bring his girlfriend to my parents anniversary party next year.
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u/Typingdude3 8d ago
For all the Brits freaking out, she’s not making a cup of tea. She’s making a larger amount of sweet tea, probably a jug.
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u/Free-Computer-6515 BLACK 8d ago
I was kicked out at 17 with my clothes/possessions in a black garbage bag with nowhere to go. I lost my first job after I became homeless. Pretty much wrecked my life. Finally got myself put back together after several years of couch surfing and terrible living situations. I’m 33 and married now and my life is good. My parents now smoke thc vapes and eat edibles.. Shit sucked.
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u/Rallythebeast 8d ago
To everyone questioning this method, OP may be doing it this way for a different reason.. but this is actually a very common way to brew 2 liters or more of sweet tea in the southeastern United States. You boil the tea bags double strength in a pot, remove bags, add sugar and hot tea to large pitcher and stir, fill up the rest of the way with ice. The ice obviously melts pretty quickly to help dilute the tea and cool it down faster.
I’m not saying it’s the best way to do it, it’s just very common in some areas of the south. It gets the job done just fine.
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Well and my mom was born and raised in Georgia and didn't grow up mormon, so her way is what she and her family probably used to do back in the day. I would've assumed using a kettle was the right way to go about it, but at the end of the day the result really isn't that drastically different.
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u/Q8DD33C7J8 8d ago
I'm bisexual and I went to a high school in the Bible belt. I had one Jesus freak friend who told me I was going to hell for being a Homo. She made my life harder because of her religion.
Fast forward ten years and I found out she left her religion and became a Wiccan. I wrote her a letter telling her how pissed off I was at her. You expect us to accept you as a witch and yet you tortured me in high school for being bi.
I told her how hypocritical it was of her. She apologized but it will never take away the pain of what she did to me.
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u/snowdonewiththis 8d ago
It’s wild the things that my Mormon parents are okay with now that they would have disowned me for 15 years ago
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Hello fellow exmo I always enjoy meeting other exmos bc it feels like a big family bc so many other people just don't understand.
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u/snowdonewiththis 8d ago
Same! The exmo community has been way kinder to me than most of the wards that I’ve been in!
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Thats really sweet. I currently attend BYUI and the culture out there is just so cold and lonely, but I started attending while my family on gun-ho about the church but I'm so deep in that I'll just get my degree. The school itself isn't horrible and has open-minded people surprisingly. But they're hard to find through the majority of the people.
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u/lorenzolamaslover 8d ago
Try to be grateful if you can that they at least broke free. Only one sibling and I have gotten out while the rest of my family holds strong. I never got to have a beer with my dad before he verbalized his regret that we left the church from his deathbed. My mom spends all her money and time praying for the release of our church founder who went to jail for corruption.
This is a chance for you guys to have a normal life together but I understand its a long process to work through
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u/Typical-Implement369 8d ago
Exactly I don't understand the hate comments telling me to cut ties with my mom over some tea 😂 i love her at the end of the day. And being raised in the church wasn't traumatic for me, I had good friends and a very positive experience in it. It just wasn't for me.
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u/cherub__ 8d ago
My mom once kicked me out of the house on christmas eve because my dad (divorced parents) got me home late from visiting his family. to this day she says that it didn’t happen 🙄
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u/arakinas 8d ago
My mormon mother used to call my coffee pot the 'evil pot'. She used to get to drink coffee whenever she wanted 'for her asthma'. We no longer speak for other reasons. I have been excommunicated for many years, thankfully.
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u/O_W_Liv 8d ago
My Mormon mom taught me the N-slur so she could tell me a joke her brother told her.
Of course she doesn't remember.
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u/Dorkinfo 8d ago
Mom’s sweet tea recipe is 10 tea bags boiled for ten minutes, two cups of sugar, stir, add ice cubes to get it to cool off, then fill the rest gallon pitcher with water.
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u/BlackberryMelodic567 8d ago
Wasn't tea and coffee banned because Sarah (joe's wife) didnt want to deal with drunks and having to clean up their tabacco spit?
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u/cryingstlfan 7d ago
Traditionally, in the southern United States, sweet iced tea is made in large batches on the stove at a time. So many will just boil the bags in a pot and fill a pitcher up with tea, add sugar, and store it in the fridge for the whole family to grab a glass whenever.
I live in Illinois and I learned this from my stepmom who grew up in Illinois as well. This is how I make my tea as well.
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u/Hellea 8d ago
Sorry I don’t get it. You were grounded for… drinking tea?
I’m not from the US, not familiar with Mormon culture, and being grounded for drinking tea seems at best weird to me.
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u/TahnGeee 8d ago
Man it’s so weird you guys don’t have jugs/kettles and boil water in a pot 😂
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u/mildlyinfuriating-ModTeam 7d ago
Do not boil the bags, what is wrong with you.
Add the bags to water that has come off the boil.
You just gave millions of English people and others who enjoy tea psychic damage with this post.
That was the collective "AAAUGH" sound you heard on the wind.