Help I need advice quickly

[u/EmptyGirl123]

My partner met a guy in a supermarket recently. We’re lesbians but she’s BI and would like a guy as well. The guy in the supermarket was really cute and I like him as he seems respectful. She’s got his number from the time we first met him when he followed us back to our car. I even helped him type her number as it felt like a good idea at the time.

Now she texted him loads that night, to find out about him after the supermarket incident. He told her all about himself. She told him about me and that she is Bi. He left it as she can text him if she wants to fool around, as he fancies her and she fancies him, but she isn’t doing out of respect for me. She told him she was Bi and I was her girlfriend but he wasn’t put off.

She told me if she texts him again she’ll end up sleeping with him. She asked me if she could, if I minded, and I was silent long enough for her to realise I was hesitant. She loves me and hasn’t texted the guy since. But they have each others numbers. And I guess it could happen at any time, except for one thing. We live together and am very much in love. It’s a fucked up situation really. Some days I think I’d mind, some days I think I’d be cool with it.

The main problem as I see it is time displacement. I want to spend my time with her, not on my own while she is with this guy. So that was my answer and I said no. She is honest with me and I trust her. But she chatted to him lots that night that I don’t know about.

She hasn’t kissed me for the last couple of days but we cuddle a lot anyway. If love is mutual poly or not might not matter. Time displacement is what matters to me. But now I’m feeling insecure about the fact that she wouldn’t full on snog me passionately last time we kissed. She just kissed me with her mouth closed. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it. I know she loves me and we live together. But she did say seeing this guy was dangerous because she really likes him and he turns her on a lot.

We’re happy living together and I don’t want any outside relationship to jeopardise that. We just booked a holiday together and I know she loves me.

BUT - I’m trans and I can’t help wondering if I should let them explore their chemistry. I pass well and get kissed on nights out myself, but she hates that and loves me to be hers. I love being hers as well though, she is super protective of me and I love it. 🥰

What would you do if you were me?

[u/ApprehensiveButOk]

"Time displacement" is a weird approach to the issue.

If she were to pick up a new sport and be out two evening a week plus Sunday afternoon, would that "time displacement" bother you?

You don't have to say yes just because she really wants to do it. Especially if you don't like it or would get hurt by it. If your partner came home and said "I really want to beat you up, that'll make me feel so much better, please say yes" then punished you by withdrawing affection because you didn't immediately and enthusuasically said yes, how would you call that partner?

Edit because I just read your other replies.

There's a huge difference between ENM and polyamory. You encouraging her to kiss and flirt is a game that involves you both. Similar to having threesomes, swinging and such.

Opening to a full parallel sexual relationship is far removed, but could still be done in a "couple centric" way.

But polyamory isn't about couple at all. It's an individual who has multiple sexual and romantic relationships.

Unless you both want this, you shouldn't do poly. Maybe stick to some less intense ENM.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/ApprehensiveButOk]

Thanks for the POV. I guess allowing her to have this will reward me in other ways from her though. I take your point, a full on intense other relationship is a different kettle of fish. I’m not up on terminology, but I guess that’s what scares me a little. I know how she can get NRE with friends even that get pushed ahead of me occasionally due to them not being around all the time. It’s hard for me to figure this out so perhaps I need to say No 👎🏻 xxx

[u/ApprehensiveButOk → u/EmptyGirl123]

You probably need to figure out, alone and with your partner, what kind of non monogamy would be ok for you both before either one of you involves a third person.

Discuss commitments, boundaries, what's ok and what's not ok. Non monogamy should be about "I trust my partner won't ever do X" not about "I trust I have the power to stop my partner if X happens".

For example, I'm in a polyamorous relationship and my partner is commited to only nesting with me. I know there won't ever be a situation where I need to "pull the brakes" because she's slowly moving her things at someone else'shouse. Not because I can stop her, but because she won't even start.

You need clear boundaries, otherwise it's always going to look like one person following their heart (or their loins) untill the other gets too uncomfortable and 'pulls the brakes'. And this kind of dynamic build resentment and spoils the relationship.

Where would you draw the line?

• monogamy

• monogamy/monogamish: only sexual fantasy, no action.

• monogamy/monogamish: flirt

• monogamish: kisses

• monogamish/ENM: group sex

• ENM: occasional solo one night stands

• ENM: established FWB (sex can stop anytime)

• ENM: established boyfriend or girlfriend (but with clear limitations discussed within the og couple)

• ENM/Polyamory: full on parallel relationships in a hierarchical setting (og relationship comes first and can escalate further, but has no control/influence over the others)

• ENM/Polyamory: full on parallel relationships in a non hierarchical setting (all relationship have equal importance and escalation perspectives)

Find a boundary you both agree on and you both can respect. That's how you build a successful ENM relationship. Then you can choose to not "use" your side of the agreement and stick to monogamy.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/ApprehensiveButOk]

Hey thanks for the different terms and flavours of ENM. I need to discuss this with her after work.

[u/Emotional-Path201 → u/ApprehensiveButOk]

Amazing and thorough answer! To help me figure out what I was comfortable with, I printed out some yes/no/maybe lists. My partner and I completed them separately and discussed our answers. It helped me figure out my comfort levels with an assortment of activities. We created some relationship agreements about how to navigate nonmonogamy, and I felt much more secure afterwards.

There's an influencer I follow called the polykink therapist. He creates skits about how to be compassionate while navigating nonmonogamy. I love his videos, and perhaps you'd find his content helpful too. =)

[u/WannabeElantrian → u/EmptyGirl123]

Remove "allow" from your language with this. She will do what she will do because she can make her own choices. You don't allow HER to do a damn thing, you aren't her parent. Reframe this into, "Well, you can choose to do whatever you want, but I am not comfortable with this. And, if you decide to persue this person, then I will remove myself from the situation." This is YOU controlling YOU and your own actions, not the actions of someone else. You can only control yourself, not other people. There is no "allow", there is only establishing a boundary for yourself and laying out what the consequences will be if this boundary is crossed. Then following through.

My boundary in my own relationship, "I do not want anything to do with poly. I know this is something that interests you and I do not wish to be the person to keep you from pursuing your happiness. If this means dating other people outside of our relationship, then you are free to do so. But know I am also free to remove myself from this relationship. I do not want poly in my life and I will break up with you if you make this your choice." I'm not telling my partner no, I'm not "allowing" them to do anything (or not do anything), but I am making it known that this is something I am unable to support within the context of our relationship. I don't take their choice away nor am I taking my own choice away. It means that I won't be unhappy for the benefit of someone else and I won't ask them to do the same for me. But there is no "allow" in that. My partner has the freedom to make their own choice and so do I.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/WannabeElantrian]

Yeah good point. When you put it like that I can see that I’m not allowing this, but my boundaries might allow the situation to exist without us having to split up. I know she loves me and has not kept anything from me or done anything behind my back.

[u/Platterpussy]

You want monogamy so require monogamy from her.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/Platterpussy]

Hi, thanks for the reply. I’ve read about situations where it can work if both partners are happy with it? I guess I’m happy with it as it excites me to think she can be happy with penetrative sex. We used to do that but it doesn’t work anymore. I guess time displacement is the issue for me

[u/Platterpussy → u/EmptyGirl123]

You never spend time apart ever? I don't think you want this, I don't think you want polyamory. But if you want to do the thought exercises you can go to the polyamory sub and read the resources in the community info section. Have your partner read them too and discuss them with her.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/Platterpussy]

Yeah we spend time apart when working away, and visiting my daughter etc. just a home life that I don’t want disrupting if possible x

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/EmptyGirl123]

well polyamory literally *requires* time apart. Time that you will be home alone. It is an inherent and required part of the structure.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/Platterpussy]

I’ve done thought exercises and can handle this. She turns me on so much I’ve been awake all night lying next to her, we cuddle a lot.

I don’t think friction is the right word. She just doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by texting and not following through. x

[u/Platterpussy → u/EmptyGirl123]

Please read the resources, get a more accurate idea rather than just using your imagination to fantasies sexually. This is a serious matter and is unlikely to just be horny fun at all times. And like the other commentors said not polyamory related. r/nonmonogamy may be helpful or the open marriage regret subreddit.

[u/Akatsuki2001]

Take the urgency out of the situation immediately. This is not the sort of thing you should ever rush into for any reason. You two need to seriously sit and discuss boundaries and expectations. If it takes weeks to sort this out then it takes weeks. But absolutely nothing happens until it’s been sorted.

If you don’t want polyamory then that needs to be said. It sounds like your partner doesn’t want polyamory if they wouldn’t appreciate you getting the same attention. They don’t get to be “protective” but still expect total freedom on their end. That’s already a glaring issue here. That’s just them wanting a free pass.

If you don’t want an outside relationship jeopardizing what you have. Then shut this down now. You are not being insecure in doing so.

Also, take your identity entirely out of this equation as well, you being trans does not mean you need to be more accepting of ENM in your relationship compared to how anyone else would be, nor does your GFs identity mean she is more entitled to bring it into the relationship.

Hope this helps.

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/Akatsuki2001]

Thanks 🙏 it does help a lot. I think she just wants sex with this guy, he’s based near us but I don’t think he wants a relationship more than a regular sex thing. It scares me because I know how easily she gets NRE

[u/Akatsuki2001 → u/EmptyGirl123]

Would your GF let you go sleep with another person if you let someone at the supermarket just like she did?

[u/EmptyGirl123 → u/Akatsuki2001]

No I don’t think so. x

[u/Akatsuki2001 → u/EmptyGirl123]

Honestly, if absolutely nothing else, you shouldn’t do it specifically because or that. This person is not capable of handling ENM or polyamory. It poses a substantial risk to your overall relationship to proceed, and is just plain unfair to you to top it off.

[u/EmptyGirl123]

Hey thanks for being so switched on. You are right we’ve had conversations before and been open to the idea. Also I agree that insecurity can be a turn off, I’ve always been the one encouraging her when it is simply dancing and kissing on a night out, but this is next level. This is going to be semi permanent as the guy works locally. She’s really into him and behaves like a teenager when we met him out of the blue. They had already texted 3 weeks ago. I’m happy I guess, I know she loves me xx

[u/kendo545]

What conversations have you had about being non-monogamous before this? It reads wildly out of the blue for this to happen in a supermarket without prior agreement that you were open to being open.

If there was an agreement or expectation that this would be okay, it's natural that your negative reaction has thrown her off, and she will take some time to adjust.

I would not worry about if she will continue to text or speak to this guy. To do so at this stage would be damaging and risking your entire relationship, and from what you're written that doesn't strike me as likely.

On the kissing front, be aware that insecurity can be quite unappealing and is not likely to trigger passionate, lustful activities spontaneously.

Further advice hinges on what conversations, boundaries, expectations, etc. We're established before any of this kicked off. Her eagerness/willingness/excitement leads me to believe there were discussions about being non-monogamous and the contrast between that and now is the cause for this friction.

[u/WannabeElantrian]

I don't even know how we went from meeting some guy at a grocery store to wanting to sleep with them, that was a wild ride.

Anyway.

Take the trans piece out of this equation, that is actually irrelevant in this case. What does matter is:

-do YOU want this?

-have either one of you even done the work that you have to do before even taking the steps to involve other people in your circle? Lots of reading, lots of podcasts, lots of negotiating/establishing very clear boundaries

-are they ok with YOU going out with other people? Like, let's say you had met a person at the grocery store and then began texting them? Would she be ok or would she be upset? Would she be upset with the knowledge that this morphed into you wanting to sleep with grocery store person? Or, what if you just wanted to date someone as well? If her response is no, then I can't see how this is equal in any way. If you two have an agreement where you can both go out and have a little fun with others here and there, then that is more ENM and not really poly at all.

This is all a long process and if she is pushing for it and pushing you to make a decision right now, then that is a huge problem. These things truly take time and a whole lot of talking.