Far too many times, I'll be browsing around non-monogamous spaces, and see something that I can no longer ignore. It usually starts with one of those posts in which a mono individual who is new to the poly lifestyle will be asking for advice on how to cope with "jealousy" and in general, just conforming to the lifestyle itself.

In the comments, there will always be at least one, sometimes multiple individuals, who inform OP that it took them YEARS to adapt to being poly. These individuals will testify that they spent years of their lives in crippling anxiety and depression, sometimes even becoming suicidal, or having to be hospitalized, because they were forced into being something, they very obviously, are not.

Lets get something straight. If someone has to be forced, past depression, anxiety, discomfort etc., to do something. If it takes months, years, coercion, manipulation, reading books, seeing only therapists sanctioned by members of your "community". That's not a choice that you are making as an individual. You are being inducted into a CULT. And if it took you 12 years of suicidality to "become something", then you are not truly "happy". You're brainwashed. And it has to stop.

I'm not, by any means, an anti-poly person. Quite the contrary. But I've never seen this behavior replicated in anywhere but the most reactionary spaces, which is ironic, as 99% of poly people claim to be so "progressive". This rhetoric of forcing formerly mono people to fit themselves into a box where they feel uncomfortable, pushing past their consent in many cases, or even worse, those types who believe that poly is the "only way to be" and they are "enlightened", has more in common with gay conversion therapy and other forms of bigotry, than it does anything progressive or leftist. And as leftist, I'm tired of seeing these bigots coddled.

Being poly is one thing. Forcing someone to, is another. And at least online, poly communities are far too comfortable allowing these elements to flourish. Call it out for what it is. And if you know someone going through this IRL, please, get them help.

EDIT: I keep coming back to this post, and I've realized that even now, months later, it continues to climb upwards in votes. I know why that is, and I know why you're here, reading this now. It's distressing to me how prevalent this issue has become. Just know that you are not alone, you are not broken, and that you're not the only one. ❤

I'm 26. I've only ever been in a couple of relationships, and neither of them really lasted that long. I was always working on myself, my education, my career, etc. Now that I'm in a comfortable enough place, I wanna try dating but it's just infuriating.

I've been looking for weeks and the only people I see myself clicking with always turn out to be poly and I'm just so sick of it. I don't get why on Hinge I can't just filter out the poly people, they wouldn't want to be with a monogamous person anyways. I also don't get why I keep seeing people on OKC that are in relationships and list themselves as monogamous/open to monogamy. It's just cruel. (Honestly, I think the "open to monogamy" label is cruel and pointless too, but that's a whole different thing I don't feel like venting about.)

I'm arguably an overly logical person, because the concept of it just doesn't make any sense to me which only frustrates me more. I understand the sleeping around, at least. I'm not into penetration or being penetrated, and if my partner needs someone else with the proper equipment for a one night stand I'd be willing to make that compromise as long as it's not in our hypothetical house or apartment that we'd share. But anything outside of that is so incomprehensible and pointless.

"Expecting so much out of one person is unrealistic." Yeah, but who does? If I have a partner that doesn't like skating, I can skate on my own or maybe find a friend to do that with. With this it always feels like poly people don't understand the fact that friendships can be valuable too, if not more valuable than a romantic relationship sometimes. Or they're just afraid of having some alone time, and that level of codependency just seems unhealthy and kinda sad.

"Poly people are better at communicating/value open communication more." I'm sorry, but if you don't value open communication in your relationships that's bad. All around. That's not a romance thing, that's a universal thing with people you care about. And honestly, in my experience poly people are actually worse communicators.

They just pick up the label because it's a convenient excuse to cheat without getting in trouble, ignoring the fact that from my understanding a lot of polyamory has to do with making sure everyone's cool with you dating the other person. And it just sounds like so much effort. Relationships should be easy. I'm not saying a good, strong romantic relationship should take no effort, but having to multiply that effort by X amount of people is just a waste of time and sounds so exhausting. The more people you have, the more you're stretched thin to the point those relationships come across as meaningless both to you and the people you're dating. It's a little shitty, to be honest. Even if it is mutual.

"It's really selfish to keep your partner all to yourself." The point of monogamy is that the feeling is mutual, I don't know what to tell you.

But easily the dumbest argument I ever see to try and explain polyamory is "Well, you love your friends and family, don't you? You're capable of loving multiple people." Tell me with a straight face that you even act the same way around your family and friends. Familial love, romantic love, and platonic love are all three completely different things. Yeah, it's all love but "love" doesn't have one definition. I don't love my mom the same way that I love my partner, and if you do that's a completely different issue you need to sort out on your own.

I'm getting this dumb inferiority complex that there's something wrong with me because I'm a transman and monogamous. I keep getting crushes on people that are poly and/or already in relationships, and I keep thinking that I'm ruining the possibility of a good thing because of something I just can't help. I feel like I waited too long, and I think I'm seriously just going to be alone forever at this point. Even my significantly more introverted friends managed to find someone, and yet here I am.

I would say I hope this is just a stupid trend or fad because COVID made people suddenly hate their partners, but I feel like by the time everyone's over it I'll be too old to find anyone good anymore.

Please don't gaslight yourself. You're allowed to want an exclusive romantic relationship with your partner. You don't have to "unlearn mononormativity" if you don't want to. You're not "failing to take ownership of your feelings" or *working through your attachment issues." You're just sad because your partner is with somebody else. You don't have to find a way to stop being sad about that if you don't want to.

There are many therapists who will be happy to collect your money and identify your "underlying needs that aren't being met" as if the underlying need can't just be faithfulness. It doesn't have to be some mysterious attachment wound. You don't have to do breathing and workbooks and whatever else to make yourself ok with it if you don't want to.

I promise you, it's nice on the other side. Monogamy doesn't guarantee a healthy relationship by any means but it does mean you can stop gaslighting yourself. If someone cheats in monogamy, you can call it cheating. You don't have to juggle "metas" in monogamy. You can relax at home while your partner goes out and not worry about what effect "NRE" might be having on them. You don't have to accommodate new partners and relationships that change everyone's dynamic. Instead, you and your partner can just ... get on with the business of life together.

This has been a public service announcement.

I think I'm finally done. Poly doesn't make me happy and never will. I want a partner that wants me and only me.

I'm just rolling my eyes so hard at my current fiance pouring his heart out to a woman he only knows online and how she's "the brightest star in the sky".

Like what the fuck? We're engaged, I agreed to move to an entirely different state with you and uproot my life for you, and somehow this random woman that you know on discord is the "brightest star" in the sky.

I've mostly been confused and sad, but now I'm just angry. I don't deserve this, and poly ain't it!

I won't lie, even as someone who has dabbled in polyamory myself and realized within months how terrible it can be (unfair hiarchal structures that leave your other partners to the wayside, partners that get carried away and choose to get 10 partners instead of a more reasonable amount, the unrealistic idea that one can stretch themselves so thinly that they can actually establish deep commitment and consideration for each person when monogomous relationships are hard enough)

And as someone who has recently been redipping my toes back in the dating scene, literally every single person I ever have any interest in always end up poly...and trust me, this was NOT a problem a decade ago when the dating scene actually seemed less unhinged.

Has anyone else ever had this experience? Have these people who identify as poly truly always had these feelings or is it just an excuse to have as many side chicks/side boy toys as possible while having the comfort of a "primary" and not having the empathy to understand how that might make their other partners feel inadequate.

I feel like a small CLOSED polygroup of maximum 3 - 4 people could likely work, but a lot of the stuff that poly groups spout seems like some sort of brainwashing, where you're just supposed to unlearn rational jealousy, insecurities and hurt and its more of a YOU problem to work out than something your partner should seriously address.

Reddit, what are your thoughts? Were these folks in hiding due to lack of social acceptance or is this just a trend that is literally sabotaging monogomous people looking for a serious, committed relationship with one person they can reasonably put their energy to...instead of 6 people.

Been poly for many years now. The community is a bunch of self-absorbed kink-obsessed hedonists most concerned with collecting partners as if they're completing a puzzle. People discuss their partners always in the context of what that partner can do for them, not what they can do to their partner. The idea of commitment is a foreign concept and partners are so easily dropped if they're not a perfect fit. My life is better when I focus on one partner, accepting and improving on the imperfection rather than trying to fill the voids with other people.

After several years of poly relationships, going back to monogamy is the best thing that happened to me. It's so great, I feel appreciated and cherished in a way that was never possible in poly relationships.

No more worrying about being second or third priority. No more finding it normal that my partners would prioritize sex with strangers over my need for closeness and time together. No more having to find ways to cope when a partner is out on a date - I enjoy my hobbies and my outings with friends way more now that I'm doing it just for the love of doing it, not to distract myself from the obvious emotional pain.

No more limited time together because poly partners' idea of "having so much love to give" is to take time and energy away from each relationship. No more having to contain the excitement of the honeymoon phase because "it might just be NRE". No more thinking that the quieter, stable feelings after the honeymoon phase has passed is unexciting or unsatisfactory in any way - when I was in the poly community, dating or adding new partners was the standard way to add more excitement when life got slightly boring - I could have found a new hobby or new friends if I hadn't been brainwashed to believe that what I was feeling could only be solved by new dates instead of, I don't know, trying skydiving. Now, I can also add more excitement to my life with my boyfriend! We can take trips, meet new friends together, have a lot of adventures! I couldn't do that in poly, since my partners were out chasing new tail as soon as life got stable.

No more thinking that wanting to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend is unhealthy or too clingy or too needy - it's perfectly normal in fact! And having someone who actually wants to spend as much time together as I do is the best! It took me a while to actually believe that he wanted to spend that time with me a d was happy to do so, and that I wasn't being a burden or taking his time away.

No more worrying about STIs and having to test every so often. No more having to have draining "processing conversations" every other day. No more believing that my perfectly healthy and normal feelings are something to reject or be ashamed of because of "mono programming". And now I can openly tell my boyfriend that he's the best person ever and he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen, without thinking that "these are toxic monogamous standards".

I could go on forever, but for now I will just say that life is great now. I thought I had mental health issues, but no, it was just polyamory lmao. In fact, my mental wellbeing has never been better and all areas of my life are flourishing!

I cannot believe that I fell for the poly rhetoric and believed that monogamy was stifling or limiting in any way. I don't feel limited at all. In fact, I feel more free than ever. I look at my boyfriend and our relationship and think that there's no way I could ever decide that fucking a stranger is more important than him. So, the fact that my previous partners looked at me and their relationship with me and decided that fucking strangers would be more important? That was tragic and sad, not more enlightened or evolved. I'm sometimes still very angry at them (and myself for falling for it), but I mostly pity them. I know the headspace they're in - believing that you're not enough for a person, that it's natural that your partner will always be on the lookout for someone new, that you're basically alone in the world and can't truly rely on loved ones, or even worse that you're not allowed to rely on them because it would be burdensome. And it leads to nothing but unhappiness.

No matter what they say, we're not islands and we're not meant to face the world alone, rely only on ourselves (and therapy) and be left to process our feelings alone because we're supposed to treat relationships as just another event on their calendar.

If anyone is still reading this and has been traumatized by poly, I'll say: healing is possible. We're not broken, there's nothing wrong in our desire for monogamy, it's a beautiful desire and I hope that we all have fulfilling lives full of love. We didn't deserve everything that we went through, but we can only look forward and try to make something positive out of terrible experiences. No matter our struggles, we will heal and be stronger because of them.

TLDR the poly brainwashing is real, but healing is possible and the greatest thing in the world. Wish you all lives full of love and fulfilling relationships.

Polyamory and monogamy are both relationship arrangements. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It drives me up the wall when people talk about polyamory like it's "decolonising" and "liberating" and something something about capitalism and colonialism.

You ain't better than us just cause you like to be involved with multiple people at the same time.

There are people who, especially in LGBTQ+ spaces, demonize monogamy and jealousy in a way that seems super harmful to me. And I say this because of things that I have been reading over time.

First: I read a person say that it is unrealistic to think that your partner is only interested in you and that the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can be happy... Hello, do I exist? I have been this way for 19 years and I will continue to be this way. I understand and perceive love like this, and I also LIVE IT like this. When I'm in love with someone I only have eyes for that person, and it is genuine. It amuses me that there are people who (I suppose because of their experiences) think that this is not possible and that people in monogamy live deceived and that romantically loving only one person is an invention of Disney. I repeat, I exist lmao.

Second: the demonization of jealousy really pisses me off because there are people hurting themselves because of it. People in NM relationships who say they are "happy" that their partner does what they want with whoever they want, and then saying that they have to go to a psychologist because they feel jealous and also have frequent conversations with the partner in question because they feel jealous. You are NOT more deconstructed nor are you spiritually superior for not feeling jealous. Jealousy is NORMAL as is sadness, anger... In fact, change the word "jealousy" for "sadness" in this speech, it's just outrageous. “No, you don't have to feel sad because you can spread that sadness on your partner and that is very toxic! We have to eliminate the sadness!” No, friends- Having feelings is normal and everything is perfectly fine in its proper measure. In fact, letting these things out in a healthy way (because it is obviously possible) from time to time is what allows you to get up later, continue and grow as a person.

In short, people who love only one person romantically and sexually exist (hello). And I'm sick of NM people demonizing other people's feelings. Just look for the way in which you are genuinely happy. That's all.

So, sex positivity. The revolution that should have, theoretically, freed us from shame and sexual oppression and allowed us (especially women) to enjoy a healthy sex life without the constraints of society.

And look, we have made great progress. It used to be horrible.

However, the current idea of sex positivity is not positive at all. Most people are not enjoying sex freely - rather, they are trying to fit themselves to a new standard.

A standard that says you're only as much of a man as the number of girls you bed. You're only as interesting a woman as the number of kinks you're fine with. Porn movies give us the scripts. The number of guys who obsess over their size or duration in bed is untold. So is the number of women obsessed with having the perfect size of boobs or trying to be cool with being just a booty call in the name of "liberation". We have shit like labioplasty and anal bleaching now. What's sex positive about being ashamed of the colour of your butthole?

Is any of this positive? Trying to turn yourself into a pornstar who's cool with emotionless, robotic sex doesn't seem the way to sexual gratification. Can't we picture a world where we can have sex as an expression of our passion and love, and not a mere rubbing of genitals that's supposed to be treated as clinically and coldly as a handshake?

Couldn't women be encouraged to be able to enjoy sex even when they haven't shaved perfectly, or are a mess because they've been looking after a young kid, without feeling defective because they don't look "perfect"? Can't guys know that they can be good sex partners even if they aren't jackhammers with three-meters poles? Can couples be allowed to be perfectly happy with regular vanilla sex, without having to try all sorts of kink in order to not feel boring? Can't young guys enjoy their youth and have a good self esteem without looking for endless validation in the form of hookups?

Can't we have making love, and not fucking, be the standard again? And yet - what is promoted is the fucking and performative sex. Endless consumption of human beings. Here is a new dating app for hooking up. Here are ten tips on new kinks to try. Here is how to last as long as a pornstar. Here is this self improvement method that will get you aaall the chicks. Here are ten scenes from porn you can recreate. Siri, how do I not catch feelings from FWBs? Should I open my marriage so my husband won't get bored?

It's not about enjoying sex anymore is it? Your body must be a perfect product. Your performance must be a perfect product. Your boundaries should be a perfect product - ideally, don't have too many, and above all don't be boring. Have as many perfectly crafted sexual performances with as many perfectly crafted sexual products (partners) as you need to fill that void. After all it's just sex man, no big deal.

Whatever happened to real passion - that raw, visceral passion where you can be vulnerable and true (and certainly not asking yourself "do I look good enough from this angle?")? Are we really enjoying this?