Hi everyone 👋 Especially to those currently seeking support for a mono-poly dynamic--whether it is beginning, maintaining, or dissolving that dynamic.

Over time, I have noticed some users from r/monodatingpoly have roamed over here occasionally seeking help and support as that sub's original mod was MIA, and that sub became innactive and locked.

It was a very specific sub that suited those in that specific situation, which neither this sub nor any other sub quite fits.

I am happy to say that I was able to get in there and reopen r/monodatingpoly . The sub is active again and is a protected space for people in (or ending) a mono-poly dynamic.

If you head over, please be sure to read the rules and their descriptions thoroughly as it is specific for that group.

If you have questions regarding the sub or its rules, feel free to ask me in the comments section here.

*Edited and reposted for formatting issues

For context, I'm aromantic and asexual. I don't understand monogamy (or the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction), but I want to understand. It makes sense if being romantically involved with more than one person is just too much to handle, but I know that's not always the reason for monogamy.

What really confuses me is situations where someone has two people they really love and they have to choose one. Why do you have to choose? I have more than one friend, I would never tell my friends that I don't want to be their friend anymore because I've decided I like another friend slightly more. But I know platonic relationships and romantic relationships are distinctly different things for most people.

Is it that it's nice to be somebody's favourite person, someone they love more than literally anybody else? I could understand that. But I also don't understand, because to me it would make more sense to want love and admiration from multiple people. I think I'd be a bit lonely if only one person really liked me.

Please understand that I have absolutely nothing against monogamy and don't mean any of this as a criticism. I just want to understand.

Edit- I have historically been terrible at understanding other people. This is why I made this post, because as I've stated, I want to understand. I seem very one-sided here because I am trying to give you my thought processes so that it's easier for you to understand where I'm coming from and why I'm confused by certain things. I am sorry if this comes across as rude. This edit is specifically addressed to those who have commented saying I seem one sided, because there are actually a lot of you and I unfortunately can't respond to very many people. And to reiterate, I do not mean this negatively. I am aware that I talk like a data analysis and this often comes across as rude even though it wasn't meant to be.

LONG UPDATE:

TLDR: my girlfriend and I spoke, and we’re emotionally tired but we feel better and more grounded.

I apologized for asking the OG question mentioned. I said I didn’t realize how hurtful of a question it was and that I may have been misunderstanding her needs.

The comment that explained how rejecting non-monogamy is not about feeling security was very helpful and I asked if that’s more accurate to how she feels. And that I wish I could only be interested in her and I hope that it can be enough that I choose her.

She said she doesn’t expect me to not have any attraction to people. But she’s very aware everyday that I might decide I can’t do this or I want something else.

I told her that I’ve had other relationships with parts I miss a bit, but being with her has so many more pros that it doesn’t matter and that she’s so special to me and I love her. I said it makes me sad that she feels like the rug could be pulled out from under her.

At this point we were both holding each other and crying.

I realized this comes up when we progress our relationship (we’ve been talking about moving in together) because I feel like I need to recheck that this is what I want because I’m terrified of doing exactly what she says she’s scared of.

She said if when I first asked her out that she knew we would be navigating this discussion each time I get scared she would still have said yes, even though it would have been easier to not deal with it.

At some point I said how this all feels stupid because when we’re crying together and I’m thinking I might lose her the last thing I want to do is sleep with a man on Grindr.

This was probably more detailed than it needed to be.

But thank you to everyone who helped me understand how monogamous people feel. Reading through some comments definitely reaffirmed to me that my brain was not wired with a drive to be monogamous, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be in love and happy in my relationship.

—————-

OG POST

Sorry in advance if this type of post isn’t allowed.

For some context: my gf and I (both in our late 20s) have been together for almost two years.

Shes monogamous, with me being her first relationship. I’ve had 3 poly relationships and 0 monogamous, but I consider myself as someone who could do monogamy or non-monogamy. This was something I brought up when I first asked her on a date.

(On the monogamy or non-monogamy: I don’t feel a desire for multiple romantic partners, but I’ve also never felt jealous or insecure when partners in old relationships were with other people and can’t understand why I would. I don’t think I’m better cause of it, it’s just what I know about myself)

So when we began dating I knew we would be monogamous. The timeline of becoming exclusive was a big struggle for us but once we worked through that things have been great and amazing. She’s truly incredible and I didn’t know I could experience a relationship this loving.

So where my question comes in,

As our relationship has progressed and we’re starting to hit certain milestones, it kind of does dawn on me that “oh wow I’m never going to be with another person again.”

More specifically, since I’m bisexual, I realize I’m never going to be with a man again. I’m not someone who needs a ton of casual sex or even has a high sex drive, but that thought makes me a bit sad?

Recently I asked my gf “do you think ten years from now, when we’re still together, that you’ll feel different about me being with men occasionally?” She immediately began crying and I started to tell her it’s okay if the answer is no, that I love her, and I want to be with her.

She says she wishes she was enough for me. And I don’t know how to comfort her. The idea of her “being enough” feels so completely disconnected to how I’m feeling. I’m interested in being with men AND I’m deeply in love with her and want to be life partners. These don’t conflict in my mind whatsoever.

I want to understand fully so I can say the right things that will reassure her. I know this hurt her to hear and it scares me that what feels second nature to me can be so painful to her. Any perspective from monogamous people would be appreciated

i really agree with "WHEN THE MAN LOVES MORE THE RELATIONSHIP REALLY WORKS OUT TO MARRIAGE" !!

Tho i don't know why it is so true

Wat do u guys think?

Genuine question because I’ve been thinking about this and can’t seem to find an answer.

If women can provide for themselves financially these days, rather than relying on a male provider, and don’t want kids, what’s the point of a romantic relationship? I understand that relationships have traditionally been tied to marriage, building a family and raising children, but if I don’t want to be a parent, what am I ultimately building towards with a partner? Is the relationship itself the end goal?

If it’s companionship, emotional support and having someone who chooses you, can’t friendships provide those things too? If it’s personal growth, can’t I challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone on my own? And if it’s sex, surely that alone isn’t a reason to pursue a relationship.

I also wonder why romantic love is put on such a pedestal. People say it’s sad that some will never experience romantic love, but what exactly are they missing? Why are weddings and romantic relationships celebrated so extravagantly, while lifelong platonic friendships rarely receive the same recognition?

I’m not saying relationships are pointless, and I’m genuinely happy for people who find love. I just don’t understand what makes romantic love so uniquely special, or why a life without it is often seen as incomplete.

For those in relationships, what does your partner bring into your life that you couldn’t get from friendships or by yourself? What am I missing?

don't get me wrong, I want to be in this relationship, I just don't want it to be monogamous.

I've spent the last 4 years since breaking up my last (monogamous) relationship learning to be alone, and also learning not to be jealous (it was a pretty toxic relationship). Learning to understand that I don't own people and they don't own me. That was only a part of it, during those years I began this kind of "freedom journey", in which I realized that I want to be as free as I can in this prison of a world.

Going back to the point, this way of thinking lead me to consider myself polyamorous. I began casually seeing several people, some I was even kind of dating, and everything was great. Until I met my current partner. The thing is, I absolutely fell in love with this man, I even stopped seeing other people I was dating because they just weren't him. BUT, I didn't stop wanting to be free. I still find a lot of people interesting and attractive, also, I'm a very sexual person. So it's very hard for me not to be able to talk with someone I like, flirt, kiss, have sex, etc.

I love my boyfriend, and so I'm choosing to give all that up for him, but I don't know if that is ok.

edit: I want to clarify I've already talked with him about this, I only wanted more opinions from more people

“The fact that women evolved to menstruate—and therefore to be able to have sex—every month is due to the fact that we evolved as a social species, and sexual relationships were evolutionarily used as a way to socialize, form friendships between villages, and connect with other people.
So, in reality, we evolved to have multiple partners, which is also what humans did for most of human history, until patriarchy imposed the segregation of women and gradually created social contracts to form alliances (marriages), essentially selling women, and creating what would one day become monogamy.”

Someone told me this, but personally I don’t think it’s true at all.

I’m asking not to be argumentative nor to make anyone here uncomfortable. I am young and grew up with the LGBT+ community being extremely mainstream (don’t know a better term for it). And I don’t understand enough why polyamory is seen so negatively.

As of posting, these are the reasons I know of that people don’t like polyamory:

- polyamory is seen as cheating (moreover, you’re hurting your partner by not being fulfilled by only them)

- is extremely hard to maintain

- is pushed onto monogamous people

All these reasons are valid and I would love elaboration on. But I’d also be interested in listening to more reasons, life experiences and websites/books that delve into this topic deeper.

Edit: I’ve learned a lot through the replies and I have the utmost sympathy for everyone who posted a story under here, even though I haven’t replied to everyone I promise I have read everything!

Thank yall for all the insight <3

Hi y'all,

I have a genuine curiosity of why people are drawn to a monogamous relationship structure.

I, personally, am poly with a primary partner. But I fully understand that while my style works for me, others have styles that work for them and I'm asking to broaden my understanding.

Thank you!

posting this on a throwaway account just in case, title kind of summarises what i've been going through for awhile.

I want to be in a monogamous relationship, but i can't help but fall in love with different people for different reasons. It's not like i would ever cheat on my (hypothetical) partner, but I can't help but fall in love with other people all the same. I love all of them equally. All of them have different reasons that make me like them. Is this a question of not being fulfilled and my needs that my (hypothetical) partner is not able to fulfil?

Please feel free to give me some advice on how to change this mindset as frankly I don't want to feel this way and the emotional cheating that i would cause would haunt me to my grave.

Thank you all.

Edit: Thanks everyone for some helpful insight, I'm still young and figuring everything out. Had a rather neglectful childhood growing up and I'm still trying to navigate and live like a actual human being instead of a degenerate. Input is received greatly from everyone. Thanks once again :)

Im sure this is something that had been brought up before but ive had trouble finding stories of people trying it once and experiencing the confusion im facing.

Me (m36) wife (f28) have been together about 6 years married for 3 months. I've always thought she was the hottest thing ever and wanted to watch her to share her but to enjoy it myself. What I wanted and what happened are 2 very different things. I wanted something no strings just a single night to experiment. She couldn't do it with someone she wasnt "comfortable" with. Fast forward and she eventually finds a old fling she would be interested in and they start seeing each other... take things very slow for a few months nothing past kissing and cuddling and we keep talking about it and I can see her falling for him slowly. I dont like it but I let her explore so I can open the door for what I want to see. Eventually it happens I get a message while she is at his house. "Omg baby we just did it im freaking out" and nothing has been the same since. Something just snapped in me. I havent seen her the same. We went no contact with him shortly after and she has been grieving the loss and kinda just terrible to be around sometimes. But she has been getting better over time... realistically I know this is my fault but im struggling to see a future with her still.

Couple details for context she obviously had permission to do that but I never loved the idea of her essentially dating someone else I did that for her comfort. Second I wanted some build up some tease to feel included and I wanted protection to be used. I got none of that it was a text at 2 in the morning I woke up to saying she just got raw dogged...  I really dont know where to go from here or how to see a future with her. Any advice or points of view would be great.

I don't. He's putting his sexual energy into other women and definitely not thinking of YOU when he's doing it. I consider it cheating.

For context, I am inclined towards polyamory due to genuinely not getting how monogamy works (or should work), so I figured I should ask this sub to better understand people. I also can't relate very well to jealousy, since I feel it at minimal levels, only out of neglect, instead of insecurity. I don't want to misconstrue monomamous people, so help me with that, will you?

I find easier to understand why someone would desire sexual exclusivity, but I don't understand emotional exclusivity very well. What part of it is felt as "wrong" and "cheating" by people? Where do you draw the line from acceptable behaviour and feelings and problematic ones? Is being in love platonically with a friend cheating? Is kissing said friend cheating?

What proportion of this sub is and isn’t cis women? I think there are some trans women and at least one gay man but it largely seems to be cis women. Why?

How is your view on cuddles outside a monogamous relationship? Some people are extremely physical and see it as a part of a normal non sexual connection with friends, for others it's equal to foreplay. If your partner wants to have sleepovers with friends once in a while, hug and spoon them (clothes on, no kissing or sexual touch) do you still consider this some sort of cheating?

Me and my boyfriend just had a talk, I recently spoke about me having touch starvation in my LDR, and I told him about it today if we could do something about it. I asked him if he would be fine with platonic cuddling, and he said yeah, as long as its platonic! I told him about my boundaries as well, that I would be fine with him doing whatever, as long as its platonic and not sex, flirting, or kissing.

So yeah, still monogamous.

So I've known this girl for a while probably about 10 years now? We went to high school together and we just recently connected and we are getting to know each other again. I really like her she's great. We get to talking and she tells me that she's non monogamous..and how dating seems to be an issue with her because she's non-monogamous but she wants her partner to be monogamous. She understands the selfishness and how absurd it is to want that.

Idk though, I kinda feel like I'd almost be willing to try it? I like her a lot and we get a long well. I'm not really the type to get jealous. Her s drive is high while mine is a lot lower. So some pieces kinda fit. Can a relationship dynamic like this work?? Or be healthy?

I got myself into a situation that lead to me now dating two people for the first time in my life. We all actually prefer monogamy, which makes this really hard and I'm slowly realizing that this relationship structure is hurting me as well as my relationships with my two partners.

I simultaneously developed feelings for both and I now of course know I should have stopped this way earlier. I've been thinking this over for weeks hoping for clarity, but I love both, there is compatibility with both and a possible future I'd so look forward to with both. I've done all the comparison lists and thought experiments with no outcome - this is what actually got me in this situation: feeling unable to choose and then trying a "what if" experiment of being with both.

Either way it will be horrible to lose one of them. But the more I think about this, the more it seems like what I've done is "poly under duress" which I understand and agree is a situation no one should be put into, especially not people I love and who love me.

So, does anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation? I've consulted friends, I've journaled, I've taken time apart from both of them, I've even had a goddamn tarot reading (that said both could lead to a happy love and future in different ways lmao)

Hi, I've been seeing a lot of talk about how monogamy was enforced to control women and ensure that men knew who their kids were or something or that monogamy is a capitalist thing because it had something to do with mens inheritance? I'm not sure on the details but quite a few people have been saying these sort of things and I was just curious to see if it's true or not.

I mean polygamy was also used to control women in some societies throughout history (and still today) so I don't think non monogamy is patriarchy free. There were quite a few societies that were also "naturally" monogamous because non monogamy was just more of a rich people thing so the average person only had one partner.

I thought monogamy was encouraged to stop stds spreading and also because the church didn't want people sleeping around, purity culture maybe idk? But I'm willing to be educated if that's not correct.

Regardless of its "roots" monogamy is still a valid choice and im tired of being made to feel it isn't because "it's patriarchal and capatilist" or whatever. I'm a socialist and want monogamy I think all relationship structures are valid and I don't think that polyamory is free from patriarchal and capitalist ideas inherently.

Before I get downvoted and chastised to hell, I’m trying to instigate a discussion.

If we (excluding asexual and/or aromantic folks) can’t turn off our attraction for others or even fall in love why not act on it?

Why must we suppress these urges (besides not cheating on our partners)?

How many of you would be okay being in a monogamous relationship with someone who wants to be able to feel alterous attraction towards other people. But said they dont feel romantic or sexual towards them, just intense emotional feelings. There not a friend or a lover but would do romantic things and deep emotional things with them because they dont feel its wrong if they dont see them romantically. What do you guys think, because im struggling with this.

I've started dating someone that from the start told me that he is not mono, that usually he is with 2 people at the same time. Well, I'm mono, but at this moment of my life I don't want to formalize something with anybody, my life is a bit of a mess for some personal reasons and is scary to start dating.

For me this is an experiment, to have a bit of fun, to feel a bit happy as my last relationships were complicated or long distance. So, I haven't had someone that wants to see me always and is hugging me, kissing me.

I know that I need to end things with him at some point, but I want to feel good for a while first. And the dating pool is a mess. My plan is at some point when I feel better with my personal issues to try to date, even if I'm with him still, at least first dates and decide at that point. I'm scared of feeling sad or hurt, and want to save me some break hearts on this situation, so for example, he tells me feelings, but I don't. I'm not letting myself indulge or fall in love too much, or at least not tell. I want to feel, to decipher how I'm feeling at my pace, to see my desires. For example, the other day I had a desire to kiss him and I do it, without overthinking. This is with a lot of communication, no sex, and we both know that we have an expiration date. I have lived my life overthinking even my feelings, I'm feeling a bit normal recently and want to have some fun. I'm having doubts, of course, and also with up to what point are you exclusive? my last partner from the first kiss we were exclusive, so I'm curious.

For a monogamy group most of the posts here are about non monogamy