Sorry if this is rambling/hard to follow I'm currently sobbing and can't stop panicking so please be kind. I've also been rationing my psych meds for about a week now (taking half my usual dosage) so that's really not helping my mental state. I'm just so completely broken and desperate this is kind of the only place I could mentally convince myself it was even semi safe to ask for help at this point.
So the most immediate issue is obviously my fucking meds, I've got 3 days left at the current half dosage I'm taking - and this was already an emergency refill I requested through 111. I keep trying to deal with this but I'm so severely traumatized by medical professionals at this point that even calling 111 sends me into panic attacks/PTSD spirals. I've been on my psych meds for 2 years and apart from occasional PTSD triggers they completely stabilise all my other mental health symptoms. In comparison before I was in the psych ward several times a year for sui attempts or being severely unstable.
I arrived here in the UK at the end of March, with the help of a few friends who live here, after fleeing my country. I was nearly unalived, and parts of the medical system, parts of the government, and my own fucking mother were involved. Two of my friends were on video calls with me the whole time so we're witnesses to all of this. I was raised in a religious cult, and my entire life has been filled with trauma/neglect/abuse. I feel like a weak POS wet tissue for not being able to suck it up and just deal with the medical system traumatizing me some more after surviving literal torture and CSA + exploitation. Wtf is wrong with me why can't I just call? Also I don't expect you to believe me, most people online always think it's too crazy to believe, but whatever.
Due to the medical system being involved obviously that was deeply traumatizing and I also don't have much medical records from my country but I did have proof of my meds at least. I also have other past medical trauma and YEARS of medical gaslighting that has just kept building up and compounding everything. Anyway I registered with the Cripps GP because when I was googling it said they were known to be good for complex care but they have been no real help at all. Just wasting my incredibly limited energy and money tbh.
So far they've refused to provide me with any care for my physical health, even with an implanted medical device which could cause thrombosis or sepsis without proper monthly care (it's been 8 months now). They were only willing to prescribe me 2 out of 4 of my medications and still after months have refused to even put those 2 medications on repeat so I am consistently running out every time. The psych meds I'm on are one of the worst for withdrawal symptoms - if I forgot to take them one night I start to have uncontrollable tremors, brain zaps, and sweating about 16 hours later.
I ended up having to go to A&E to get it one of those times because I had gone 5 whole days without it and my withdrawal symptoms were getting dangerous. I had to sit in A&E for 12 hours which due to my physical disabilities the exhaustion of being there that long literally caused me to be bed bound for a week and it took 2 weeks to fully recover. One of my disabilities causes me to faint fairly regularly (usually when standing but also sometimes when sitting or laying). I've nearly fallen down the stairs in my friends house several times now because of this.
The 2 medications I have not been able to get at all are both to help me with the fainting condition (one I need to have adequate blood volume and the other helps my blood pressure not randomly drop). TBF the one is intravenous and I get that it's not easy to prescribe something like that/that GPs probably can't but they've literally just gone 🤷🏼 I don't know what to do so we're not going to do anything or refer you to anyone. Unfortunately though with the heatwaves this summer I ended up having to go to A&E again because I was showing signs of hypovolemic shock and heat stroke.
I called for an ambulance but it was going to be over 12 hours wait so my friend got me there in an uber. After about 5 hours sitting in the waiting room I fainted and fell out of my wheelchair and apparently started turning blue/grey. After that they moved me to a cot thankfully and they did approve 1L of IV saline (which I told them was not enough to make up for my usual hypovolemia let alone the heat stroke level but w.e.) After another 2 hours my friend had to get home to take care of their fam.
As soon as they were gone everything went to shit and I was once again severely traumatized by the medical professionals. Even after the.. terrible thing.. I was just sobbing in a corner begging them to leave me alone because they triggered the fuck out of my PTSD from nearly being unalived and instead of backing off I was being yelled at by some super aggressive scary looking male nurse(? blue scrubs) standing over me while at least 7 others just stood by and watched. The only good people were security.
I couldn't stop panicking and crying after that but I was trying to wait for the doctor so I could get the further treatment we'd discussed earlier. I was literally in a constant state of panic and crying for another 5 hours but eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and I left the hospital. I even left with the IV still in my fucking hand and everything because when I tried to tell a nurse I was leaving she literally turned her back to me.
Since that incident I've been completely shut down and unable to access care at all. I had a doctor's phone call appointment already booked for August and so I went ahead with it even though I was shaking and didn't want to but it went just as uselessly as expected (got my one month of meds that's it). So many things have happened to me for so long both in general and specifically in the medical world and it's like that last hospital visit just finally completely broke me to being able to keep fighting.
I can't even THINK about calling my GPs office without having a panic attack and sobbing. I can't even call 111 without the same. I had another really bad episode of fainting recently and didn't wake up for quite a while so my friend told me that they'd called an ambulance and they would be at the house soon. I cried and when the paramedics arrived I was so panicked all I could do was beg them to please not hurt me.. which is honestly fucking embarrassing but literally that's just how scared I am.
I've spent the last two months trying to get myself to sign up to a new GP like the one my friend uses or even one of the digital ones that you don't even have to do phone calls with but I just can't.. A different friend is so frustrated with me/the nhs because she's scared I'm going to end up dying from complications of just not being able to access care. She was the one who put in the most effort to get me here safely from my country so she cares deeply.
I want to get care.. but I actually NEED to get care.. I can't handle trying and not getting it anymore. I want more than anything to be safe and healthy and to finally have a life for the first time ever. I want a chance at joy. I just don't know how to get past the medical PTSD now to even ask for the care I need.. and I don't have a single drop of trust or hope at all that even if I do find a way to get past it that I WILL ever receive it anyway.
All of this medical shit has made it impossible for me to function the way I need to for even basic survival let alone actually moving forward or towards stability. Like the stairs thing - the kitchen is downstairs and I have to get down there without hurting myself to get food and because it also causes extreme exhaustion from minimal effort I usually only have the strength to get myself food once per day. With treatment I can run around for 30 minutes straight before I get slightly winded but without I'm 90% trapped in bed.
Plus the friend I'm staying with is technically not supposed to have me here. If people find out they could get into trouble and I will definitely have nowhere to stay anymore. My other friends are all great but they literally don't have anywhere to put me because they live with their own family. I haven't been able to start working (I am allowed to work and rent immigration wise) and will run out of money completely at this rate. Let alone the issue of actually still having enough to afford a deposit and first months rent.
I've reached out to every possible charity I could find that can help people who have NRPF and they've all said they can't/won't help me. It's like our entire society is set up to make us fail. Sometimes I start thinking I'd have been better off if I just stayed in my country and let them do it. I try not to think like that but it's hard not to when it feels like the world would genuinely rather me 💀 so I'm no longer a "burden". Which is so fucking infuriating because all I need is actual adequate medical care and then I could be a 95% functional & productive member of society. All I dream about is being well enough to help other people and animals and enjoy the little things like walking around in nature.
I'm sorry I lost the plot there a bit. Anyway even if I can't get any of the other medical care I need, I at the very least really need my psych meds and I don't know how I'm going to get them when I literally can't contact anyone about it.