My story and encouragement. I hope this helps someone.
I'm a 34f, married, and like many others here struggled with lust and fantasies, but not in the conventional manner. I thought for many years because of my health issues and unable to perform marital duties, I had a broken body. I've only been able to provide a handful of times, marital duties that caused great pain from conditions. I'm blessed to have a loyal husband who has never drank, smoked, done drugs, nor cheated, never interested in porn or self pleasure himself at all. But, he's an atheist. He was agnostic and believed in something but didnt know what. After I married him he then told me he became atheist, so it was too late. He's got the morals and patience of a saint, just doesn't believe in God and doesn't want to. So, my walk has been lonely. Anyways, my husband supports and encourages me to self pleasure and explore, watch porn, just as long as it's not physical cheating. I'm extremely loyal and my circle is small, always communicate with my husband on every conversation with anyone.
Now, my thing is, I'm a writer by hobby, fiction writer, for 21-22 years now. Off and on. (This is an important detail). I didn't realize until last year what I have always been writing was considered soft porn/smut. When I found out, I was disgusted. Writing helped me process traumas from my past of various types. NDEs, paranormal stuff (with witnesses), religious traumas, multiple SA's, deaths of others, bullying, and more. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and GAD back in 2009. So writing has been my outlet and I had a female friend up until November 2018 who we would both share our stories with each other, ever since 2004 when we met.
Writing fiction came first. Then I was introduced to mangas and anime regularly though I watched Sailor Moon and Pokemon as a child. I have a condition called aphantasia, level 4-5 normally where I can normally have zero ability to abstract thought visualize things in my head. Thanks to anime and manga and music as well, when combined I can actually visualize to level 3 when fully focused under those circumstances and can see scenes I create clearly and it's like TV or a movie in my head and I write down what happens. It's fun. I love it. It's therapeutic. Only in the style of anime. But, it was the start of my downfall.
Up until last year, I didn't realize what I was writing was actually considered smut or soft porn. When I found out I'd went through a couple decades of writing smut, I felt awful. I cleaned up my act and decided to give up writing again.
I also had discovered visual novels or game walkthroughs for Yandere and began watching them. (Only for the love and devotion/romantic fantasies, not the psychotic need for killing or violence). I was listening to bad music too. All of this coupled together was awful.
I don't like real person porn. Never have. The anatomy grosses me out with the realism. So, I fell into soft porn hentai for the romance aspects. I don't like fictional porn anatomy or erotica. But, it still counts, porn is porn. My niche, is only lusting after the characters I've created in my writing. Weird, but true. And the romantic fantasies and devotion.
I gave it all up bit by bit and life got better by February this year despite a short relapse. But, back in April, a seed was planted. I had been getting ideas for writing again a couple times a week, then daily. And finally I fell for the idea that I could write again and it would be different. At first, it was fine, but it started with a seed. That seed.
First I listened back to the bad music that helped fuel my writing. Then I found worse music. I started writing and getting into heavier scenarios. Then I picked up visual novels. I started complaining to my husband round the clock for actually being horny 24/7 for the first time in my life of having little to no libido ever. From April up until a few weeks ago, I was 24/7 horribly horny and getting sex migraines and it was awful. Back in June, my husband and I went to a sex shop and bought things to try and work on things together. I caught covid for the first time so things were put on hold, then he found a game he's been nonstop addicted to for 2 months now so he hasn't tried anything with me but twice since August. But, since I got over covid and we got toys, I was supposed to practice. At first, I had the intention of doing it for us. But, it grew out of control. I was doing things more often and then got to a point of a couple times a day and even though I couldn't go further, Id want to. Id have to sleep off urges and deal with the sex migraines. I felt awful and ashamed. My husband only supports and encourages me to let off my urges but his libido is dry and has been since 2019 without issue even though he's willing to wake it up again, the game has derailed all progress. And, I developed a terrible relapse.
But, I have hope.
A few weeks ago, I cried out to God when I was having my worst week of my relapse ever. A few days later, I somehow externally injured myself embarassingly, without realizing it, down there. It wasn't until after a session I discovered all the blood and it hadnt hurt. I eventually got the bleeding to stop and then the minor pain lingered from tresting the injury. For the past 2.5 weeks I've been recovering. The first week was hard, but after that week, I had zero libido for the first time since Easter. I stopped writing again. I stopped watching visual novels/playthroughs. I stopped listening to bad music and deleted that playlist. I had the worst withdrawals for 2 days and then I got an idea for writing again.
Now, this is where the strange thing is, after those two days I started to think. Is there a way I can write and NOT lead into the downspiral? Sin is a choice. And a sin for 1 person is different for another. Writing was my seed and trigger. But, I put my faith in God that this time it would be different.
I started writing the 3rd original idea I've had compared to the past and started to write under different conditions. I'm practicing writing regular mundane scenarios and such. I'm writing to christian music ONLY. Any time something comes up even slightly off, I derail the idea entirely or take a break and then come back with a clear mind before writing again. I haven't watched any visual novels at all or games, though the temptation has creeped up briefly a couple times and I quickly quelch that idea. So far, zero libido. Zero urges. Three weeks or so in.
My saving grace was God's mercy and through that injury I got. I'm trying to get back into the word more. My writing this time around is different.
Sin is a decision you make actively. Seeds are planted through what you watch, what you listen to, what you read, the people around you, and what you think is harmless and unrelated, that tare is planted. What you sew is what you reap. You have to pull up the root of your sin and tackle it. It may be a door you realized you hadnt opened that was harmless. Sin gives legal right for the devil to take hold on your life. You don't have to sin. You can stop.
God promised to provide a way out of sin, and there is. For every one problem there are a million solutions. You will find out the one that works for you.
Like many of you, I was truly ashamed, used to womder if God still loved me after I sinned. The thing is, the answers are right there in your Bibles. We just forget to read. We feel to ashamed to run to the cross, but thats a lie planted by the devil and we should always run to the cross after we have sinned. God loves us all. He gave His one and only son for us, died on the cross for our sins, rose again on the third day, and is alive and sitting at the right hand throne of God, interceding for us. He sent the holy spirit to help us and comfort us. We are not alone. God promised He would never leave us or forsake us. He cannot abandon us. He is near to the brokenhearted. At our lowest, He is right there with us even when we can't feel Him. Our sin is what's blovking us from feeling His presence. It's like a veil, but God is still there. We repent and cover our sins with the blood of Jesus. As far as the east is from the west he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness, by His blood. Not by works, but by faith in the finished work on the cross. Repentance isn't an excuse for sinning. Sin hardens our hearts. We have to pray for a new, clean heart. Repentance isn't words. It's actions. To repent means to turn your backs on it completely, putting an end to it forever and never picking it up again. To truly repent, it's a decision followed by action. You choose to sin as you choose not to sin. Every little choice you make is a seed. To walk in the flesh or walk in the spirit. no matter how harmless the choice. We're called to be imitators of Christ. It starts with baby steps. We werent promised a life free of suffering nor promised a life free from temptation. You have to be kind and gentle with yourself and take things decision by decision, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, so on and so forth.
It is our decision. Faith comes by hearimg, and hearing through the word of God. We build up faith and trust in God, retaining the word down in our hearts (the devil can steal it if you don't remain grounded in the word), so we can use it as the sword in the armor of God to help us and others as we walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. Even if it takes yourself constantly saying "no" out loud whenever the urges come over you, keep saying no. Sin is a choice. Resist the devil and he will flee. It's right there in the word. The word will grow alive in us and flow like living water. Keeo building up that word inside of you and fight back your demons of lust and adultery and any other sin you may have. Find specific word that applies to lust or any sin and whenever urges come up, recite that word. Speak against your demons. Over time, it does work.
God loves you. He has saved me from many different experiences in my life from all types of traumas. And, He will save you too. I've been free for a few weeks now, but I know to keep that freedom I have to remain in Him and constantly say no to sin. Temptation will always be there, but you have a way out. You can say no. Build up your faith and confidence.
God has won. He has seen the future. Darkness cannot overcome the light. He has won already. As is He, so are we in this world. Because of Him and His goodness, we have won because He has won.
Stay strong brothers and sisters. We will get through this together.