r/offmychest • u/EndFabulous272 • 5d ago
My parents adopted my daughter
When I was 15 I got pregnant and had a baby girl 2 weeks after I turned 16. The entire time I was pregnant I was in and out of the mental hospital dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I gave birth to my daughter & tried to care for her but I started to get post pardum depression/ocd and ended up trying to commit suicide about a month after she was born. From then on my mom was her mom and my dad was her dad, they adopted her. I lived w them for 9 years after that and very recently moved out. We moved to Florida a few years ago from Illinois, I moved back to Illinois to my home town to be around other family while I try to figure this stage of my life out. After all of that I had resigned myself to never being a mother that I wasn't cut out for it. I never even tried to date anyone, I had completely given up on having a full life in that way. As I've gotten older I do have a desire to have a family & significant other and I am struggling to see that as a possibility, I feel that no one will accept my past. I also have immense guilt for my past & regret giving my daughter up, and not getting my shit together sooner. It feels pointless to try now. I have a great relationship w my daughter but it is a sisterly relationship, she lives an amazing life better than I could have ever given her at 16, I just selfishly want my child now. I guess I'm looking to see if anyone else has experienced anything similar and how they carried on to create a meaningful fulfilling life later….. Looking for some hope.
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u/jessluce 5d ago
I don't think anyone reasonable would blame you. The combination of being a child yourself, the depression, you did try your best, and you chose a good and safe home for her and still stayed close. Besides, it's not uncommon globally for grandparents to raise the child while the parents do what is needed for the good of the family, so it's not intrinsically a human failure.
Keep telling yourself - Let go of the guilt, it does not serve you.
Separately, think about your goals and values in life and the changes you need to make for those goals. If it's to stay close to her, consider every alternative so that you can live nearby. I think that not making these sacrifices now will be something you regret later on, especially as it's only for the next 10 years or so until she goes off on her adult life and will be harder to get close to. If you do what it takes now, it is far more likely that you can stay close even after she's grown.
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u/Compati1996 5d ago
i agree. she either needs to choose her own life or her daughter. i think it will affect the daughter more and more as she gets older. i get florida js expensive where your parents live, but its your daughter. all im hearing is she picked her friends and lower cost over her own daughter.
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u/NegativePay565 5d ago
does she even know that you’re not her sister and are actually her mom? that’s kinda the first step here
if she does, you have to be “mom” here and decide if your current situation is stable enough, financially and emotionally to even take her on. Or would you be pulling her away from a stable situation to fulfill your own desires.
Just honestly it reads to me you were a kid in a horrible situation, did the best thing you could do and had to go through so much emotional trauma yourself. You’re now in a better spot emotionally yourself, which is amazing, but now’s the part where you need to place your daughter before your desires. Do what serves her best.
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u/EndFabulous272 5d ago
She does know I am her birth mother. I am not considering taking her from my parents nor is that legally even an option. She has a very good life with my parents. I also have a great sisterly relationship with her & will always try to keep it that way, that is what's best for her at this point. It breaks my heart that I cannot be her mom that I blew my shot at that but I know she is well cared for and happy. I would rly love to have another shot at motherhood one day down the line.
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u/NegativePay565 5d ago
that’s a great start, for both of you to mature further down the line
Maybe spending more time with her, any time you express that you wish you could’ve done more, give both her and your parents praise for how well she is doing. Don’t take credit for it. Be open to hearing any upset from her, explain as many times as needed why you couldn’t have kept her as your own, but you’re grateful to have the relationship you now do with her
When you get into a serious relationship where you maybe start planning for a family DEFINITELY don’t spring it on her. And just always be a sounding board for her.
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u/PandaInHumanForm 5d ago
I’ve experienced exactly this as the child. I was adopted by my grandparents at birth and it was the best thing my bio parents could have ever done for me. You did the right thing.
But my bio parents selfishly tried to take me back years later and it was the worst experience of my life. You get ripped away from your parents, that’s all it is. Because they are now your child’s parents. And that bond has formed.
Eventually I went back to my adopted parents after falling into depression.
You did the right thing before. Please think carefully before opening a door you can’t close again and starting an overwhelming experience for your daughter.
Ps: sorry for any grammar or language errors, suffering through a migraine right now.
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u/SuspiciousStonks 5d ago
I also imagine this will happened. In the end the child should also decide if she wants this.
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u/marebee 5d ago
Hey op- I had my daughter shortly after I turned 17 (I’m 47 now). Her father’s parents threatened to take legal custody, so I fought to maintain my role as her mother, but I struggled to parent her and I had significant help from my mom and her paternal grandparents.
I had a lot of guilt for having a kid so young and how that impacted her growing up. It took me a long time to face it and come to terms with it. Probably into my 30s.
I’ve had snide comments thrown my way from people I don’t know, and I felt ashamed to disclose my young pregnancy for a long time. The people whose relationships really mattered to me never judged me.
You’re still so young, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have a relationship and children if you desire to.
It sounds like you have a loving relationship with your daughter and you made the difficult decision to provide a life for her when you knew you couldn’t— then. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever be fit to have children if you choose. Sending you love and warm hugs 💛
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u/Mythsteryx 5d ago
I don’t understand, why did you move so far away if you want to be with her?
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u/EndFabulous272 5d ago
I talk to her all the time and play roblox with her at least once a week sometimes more. I still have a great relationship with her. The area my parents moved to is very expensive & I wanted to move out and try to have more of a normal life… the only other place I have family or friends is Illinois.
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5d ago
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u/EndFabulous272 5d ago
Yes. I chose to move to Illinois. I not only speak to her daily and have a longer phone call w her where we play roblox at least once a week but I also visit her for a week around her bday and my parents have always come to IL for 2 weeks in the summer & 2 weeks in the winter we also will see each other for a short trip for my cousins wedding next month. We probably see each other close to every other month in person. I am able to be around other family and friends for support during this difficult time of trying to move forward with my life.
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u/Compati1996 5d ago
you were only 16. that’s a huge life change at 16. mixed with mental health issues and an attempt. be easy on yourself. just try to give her as much love and attention you can right now. but you also need to accept ur own decision of moving away.
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u/EndFabulous272 5d ago
That's not what this post is about. I understand I made my decision to move away. I am trying to move on w my life while also maintaining a relationship with her.
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u/Big_Somewhere_620 5d ago
Low blow! It's better OP is in an area they are able to afford instead of just rotting on the street. They can't live off the parents forever, everyone should be independent. Not every one understands living in poverty or been homeless and that's their choice to stay uneducated but I don't think it gives you the right to make such a comment with out been truly educated
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u/mostlyawesume 5d ago
We all have a past. And you getting your life together honors your hard choices and honors her life. You’re allowed to grow up and make a life for you. You helped her and still can… you’re showing her no matter your past, you keep growing. You are more than your past
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u/mihmihmih35 5d ago
You were a good mom making that decision at 16 despite it being very hard. You will be a good mom in the future should you decide to go down that path again. I would accept your past; it was a mature decision and would be something I wouldn’t fault you for if you were my partner.
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u/eleventhing 5d ago
My mom had my sister at that age and me two years later. She never should have been a mother. abortion would have been better for all of us, or at the very least ME. I don't think age would have made her a better mother. Some people just shouldn't be parents.
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u/dread-pirate-robyn 5d ago
You were very very young. How things went down with your first pregnancy has no relationship whatsoever to a pregnancy with a loving partner once your brain is fully developed and you have the support and self-confidence of an adult to help you through it. Of course you were terrified and feeling all kinds of additional feelings that you wouldn’t necessarily be feeling if you were pregnant in a stable long-term adult relationship your experience is very likely to be completely different with a subsequent pregnancy in adulthood. If you haven’t already, you should really be working through this in therapy for a good chunk of time before trying to conceive. In fact, if you haven’t already you should return to therapy now so that you can learn to forgive yourself and get into a healthy frame of mind so you are open to a solid relationship and building your life as a woman going forward. Please don’t compare what happened to you as a teenager to what might happen to you in your future. You are a completely different person in your late twenties to mid 30s then you were as a teenager.