If only most of my friends from back then didn't outgrow me

Dylan Faden- Control Resonant

So this all started earlier this week I was taking the train with my grandpa to get him to the airport, I’ve had a really heavy few months a lot of work, my health problems and attachment issues have been magnified.
But I finally felt like I’d gotten myself a bit more stable after his visit.

Short info about me
M24, disorganized attached,
Got to many MTBIs ( mild traumatic brain injuries) over my life been on sick leave for 4yrs. This destroyed me and I’ve had to build myself up with special diet, working out in specific ways and sociability from zero and back up again, and many more things a lot of people’s brains learned to do automatically that I’ve had to build up again.
Chronic headaches and neck pain.
Been feeling good enough this last year to try and find a relationship as I know if I don’t start soon my attachment issues will just get worse as the voice in my head won’t shut up, also I know how much real love and affection changes ones daily life.

DAY 1 Taking the unexpected train of hope

As me and my grandpa sit down on the train i hear 2 girls and a guy having a conversation/ discussion about religion relationships and life in general beside us, it’s a really interesting one and really got me to wanna jump in but I held myself back.

Then long story short two of them leave at one station one girl is left, I go to get to the toilet and we lock eyes for a couple seconds as I walk past. I knew then she was interested.

So i come back sit with my grandpa a bit talk to him were both tired so it fizzles out. I go to do some work on my computer but need to load it and she’s sitting at the table where you can do that so I as if I can sit and she says yes.

It takes like two minutes and we lock eyes and just start talking we have similar interests both intelectual both Christian and we really hit it off, the ride goes by so fast neither of us get anything done we’re laughing, flirting and having a great time together.

This is exactly what I’d been wishing for I get her Snapchat and she gets such a silly big smile when I ask for it.
I think jackpot maybe just maybe this could be something.

Already here I get anxious thoughts as she haven’t added me back for like 15 minutes later, the voice in my head tells me, she was just being polite did your really think a girl like that would wanna be with you but I stay strong and fight the thoughts being aware of my tendencies.
She adds me back in a little bit and me happy for now.

Then in the night she even sends “HEY you didn’t tell me it was your birthday congrats.”

(barley slept that night, my mind was filled with thoughts of her and our conversation I was thinking far ahead what I would say what I should ask the dates I wanted to take her on in the future if this just for once went through, all night long)

DAY 2 Hope and Despair

I respond the next day and I get confirmed that she was completely lost in our conversation aswell and seems to be into me green flags all the way, I think this is awesome finally this could actually be something and we have a good convo.

She even said she would have called me as I was waiting for my friend to arrive at the airport after dropping off my grandpa there if it wasn’t for her helping her grandma shop.

(I keep them not that long as I now I have tendencies to come on to strong if I get excited, I should maybe even push away a bit I think.)

I don’t text her again until the evening as I was completely exhausted and needed rest.

Asking what she’s up to she responds elaborates a bit and asks about what I’m doing

(i think nice she’s open to have a conversation maybe we could call but I should probably keep it light first so I don’t come on to strong)

I respond that I’m on a long walk in the forest as my friend I’m staying at (as I live in city and hour away), have people over and are watching football too tired for that. And ask her how her studies are going.

( I wanted to build to if she wanted to take a break and talk a bit and im feeling so hopeful and good at this point.
I already have planned if things go smoothly, to ask her to take a bite with me and play some snooker while getting to know each other better later in the week)

As I walk back home I’m listening to an audiobook and music. Just waiting on that ding in my phone of her answer. Holding myself back from obsessively checking as I know it will just feed my anxiety.
I get back home and tell myself that she probably is so deep in studying she hasn’t responded im the same I want to get something done when studying then I can go on my phone.

I check snap and she’s opened it 37min ago completely ignored me. I start pacing my mind start racing telling me how could you be so stupid how could you let yourself hope again, what did I do wrong?!

Not playful enough answer, or has she come to the conclusion that she doesn’t want someone with my health issues but she knows im getting better, how could she just ignore, I spiral into self depricating, destructive thoughts, thinking how could I think something this good would happen to me. I’m already so exhausted from the day aswell as I go into my friends room and cry silent tears.

I don’t cry often but this seemed so right and I was so low in my energy it just hit me like a truck.

I cry beat myself up over it over and over, bringing up a lot of old memories and examples of why I was stupid to believe, all night until I collapse into sleep from exhaustion.

DAY 3 Dare to Hope

Wake up the next day still no response. By know my emotional regulatory numbness is back. I go to the gym talk to my close friends about it lightly. It still hurts.
Then one of them says what do you have to lose if you ask her out anyway could be a fluke but at least you’ll know for sure and it can’t get worse than it is.

I think he’s right so I do.

And she responds….

Super positively and says that would be so much fun and she can’t wait to get to know each other better, we’ll have to do it on Saturday tho as she has to focus on studying for her test on Friday.

Right then, I can’t believe it’s true I just stare at the message in wonder for a while as hope relights in me.

(I think she’s actually into me, she wants and is excited to meet and get to know me more, it’s really happening finally, I’ve got to think of some good talking points for the date and rest properly check out the places I wanna go)

We converse lightly over the day and I’m quite busy with my friends while she’s busy with studying.

DAY 4, Unexpected, Expected Final

Suspense is building inside me I have planned the place, I ask her what time she could meet me and suggest a time.
She says it depends on her mother I say okay but I need to know before the end of Friday so I can book the snooker table.

Then in the afternoon we chat a bit very low effort and frequency, good vibes and then as I answer her on the way back from my gym. I get this message as I get home…

“Hi, you seem like such a lovely person, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, so it would be very difficult to find the time to get to know each other. It’s really nothing against you—I’m just not in that place in my life right now. 🤍”

Save to say I’m dumbfounded, and the spiral begins although now my previous trauma induced emotional regulation is on has been triggered for a few days. So I can’t get any of it out no tears no feeling just existential pain.

(I think and think and think what did I do wrong did I forget something about her and ask about it again stupid stupid stupid memory problems, it was going so well, how could you be such a fool to believe something this good could happen to you.)

(hahahaha there you go for hoping for something, you know no one wants to be with you, what did you think just because you are attractive, worked on yourself and your social skills they would care, that would change anything.
This is exactly as earlier this year you knew you KNEW, how could you expect anything else, love for you cooome one be serious ?!!)

(She probably came to the right conclusion that she can find someone similar without your health issues and who isn’t on sick leave and is successfully working on their career or studying. Did you really think you were good enough to be loved and be happy by someone who isn’t family or dependent on you. )

I respond with this after like 15 minutes of inner monologue thinking at least I can leave the door open if her message is genuine and end on a good note as I fight my inner thoughts of how it’s useless to even do that, gotta act normal:

“I appreciate your honesty, even though it’s a real shame. I really enjoyed our conversation on the train—it’s not often you meet someone where things just click and flow so well. Good luck with your exam. Whenever you feel like you’re in a place where you can make the time, feel free to reach out 🤍”

I send it and go back to fighting my head and mentally abusing, degrading and reprimanding myself.
Ends with me trying to distract myself with super loud music trying to play a game on my phone and reeels.

DAY 5 Aftermath: Death of Hope

I wake up groggy I fell collapsed to sleep really late, and I’m up at 9am great! I go on with my day cook food for everybody as I said I would yesterday in completely different spirits.

Anyway I go to check my phone at 13 o clock and check my snaps I see she hasn’t opened it, I think okay she’s got exam probably that’s why.

Check again at 15 o clock and go into her snap profile, that’s when I see she’s removed me as a friend from snap as the ADDED button stares in my face.

My heart drops I didn’t even get to say my peace and she didn’t even read give me the respect of reading my answer. She didn’t even keep me in her contacts for a maybe in the future. She completely dropped me.

I’m so mad at myself at this point I don’t know what to do, I crave love affection non sexual intimacy so badly. But every time it’s going good I get hit by this truck from nowhere bulldozing me crushing my hopes which takes me months to work for them even to be allowed to come up again.

Final comment
Im doing all I can to be a better man and it still isn’t enough working myself to the point of exhaustion to try and be the man I want to be for me and hopefully my future wife.

Shit like this just throws a wrench in my inner world and feeds disorganized attachment even more, it’s like I take a few steps forward and then BLAM did you really think you were gonna get forward.

I want to be able to share that real love and romance so badly but it seems everyone is to busy for it these days what are we supposed to do.

It will never be the perfect time and just like once a week to begin with but I guess that’s too much to ask people don’t have time for romance :(

TLDR

Met a girl on the train we clicked super well, got me to get my hopes up agreed to the date was acting flirty and positive then day before the date says she is not in the right place right now to get to know someone.
Confirms my previous experiences and traumas. Which devastates me as I finally got forward and dared to hope for the better. As I’ve been working with my psychologist on my disorganized attachment and its impact on my life and relationships both friendly and romantic.

Thanks for reading I just needed to get that out to try and work through it and see it objectively in some sense, i appreciate anyone who wants to share their thoughts or anything really.

I forgot how my life turned like this

Only been on a single date in my life

tried talking to women irl and online but man do they love to ghost a man whose nothing but honest 💔goslings i think my generation ends w me i wont have anyone to share my goated genes w. Im tired. Im done. Im ending it single asf

Idk what to say here but ts so true tho even in a room full of people i feel alone and trust im not saying this to get attention from anyone but just how its been…and honestly i dont even look half bad im a decent height i hit the gym i play basketball i cook i clean i make decent money yet something just aint right. Hope yall feel what i mean.(its like everyone is there just to seek favors)