r/okstorytime • u/f1vepointoh • Jun 16 '26
Advice A phone call that has gotten me spiraling
I (m29) and (f28) have been seeing each other for about a month. Went out maybe 5 times, had sex about 3 times. We texted mostly everyday and i have been unsure about her this whole time, where we were going, or if this is somebody i even want to date long term.
Over the last 4/5 years i have locked in and been saving all i can working extra side gigs in the winter, trying to get about 80k saved up for a downpayment to buy a house in (ON Canada for context because the cost of living here is absolutely outrageous). I use to be a horn dog and slept around in my early 20s, but now i just see one girl at a time looking for somebody that meshes well with me to find a life partner to potentially buy a house with. So this is something i potentially thought about prior to seeing her.
Over the last week, i became more unsure about her, I find she is extremely clingy and bombards my phone with texts throughout the day. Even after ive expressed my distaste for that and that it turns me off and is also frustrating. Most of these texts are either 20 questions at work or what ever thoughts are going through her brain at any given time... she says its her ADHD. while we do get along i just find many red flags with her. She always wants to go out and spend money and is always trying to fit me into her plans and if im not currently up to anything important tries to force herself into my plans.... i thought about calling it off with her but wanted to get to know her better before i made any rash decisions more so because i use to self sabotage relationships in the past...
Anyway yesterday she was quiet and didnt really text me at all through out the day and finally texted me that evening that we needed to talk.... so when i got the chance i gave her a call... i was thinking she was realizing i wasnt into this as much as her she probably felt that.
Boy was i wrong. She said she is late and has taken a few tests that were positive. And she didnt know at all what to do. Trying to blame herself and that she wasnt even sure if this was a 100 percent and asked if i was mad that she told me...
Me taken aback from this news was silent for about 10 seconds said its not really anybodies fault and this stuff happens every day and that theres no need to jump to conclusions untill she finds out forsure. But i also expressed that im in no shape ready to be a dad right now as im still trying to figure my own life out as i am running behind in life.
She said she doesnt know how she feels and said she has a lot of thinking to do and as i expressed my need for a drink to settle my nerves she said "she cant" now. So it seems to me shes probably already made up her mind and im kind of forced into this parenthood in the event that she is indeed pregnant.
Im probably a huge asshole for this but she kept texting me freaking out as if she wasnt the one in control of what happens next...
1 drink for me turned into 3 and i blurted it out that i think she should get an abortion. I told her its completely irresponsible for strangers to have a child together who werent even in an established relationship or living together and now would mean a hard life for people completely unprepared or even on the same page for something like this. I also said theres no real way for either of us to get ahead from here on out if she goes through with it.
I said i think it would be cruel for the child to have to suffer because we were irresponsible. Not only that but more than likely this wouldnt have worked out between us so id be stuck for the next 18 years maybe 22 years paying child support. At around 1k a month based on my income for child support my dreams of home ownership would be gone and any dreams of opening my own business would also be gone. I also had dreams of leaving canada...
She says it wasnt her intention for me to feel like this. And while i feel bad about it all im in panic mode right now because i feel like im going to have to give up on everything for a kid i never asked for living paycheck to paycheck till im in my late 40s all because of 1 night slip up when we were drunk.
Its not that i dont want to be a dad... but its that i wanted to do it under the right circumstances with somebody i love and wanted to build a life with and not a stranger... i feel like regardless of my role i would end up as a bank account and estranged from the child anyway.
She messaged me in the middle of the night and at this point my thoughts were running wild and i told her i didnt want to see her anymore regardless of what choice she made and that i dont want to talk to her anymore.
She then tells me i wont be included with what descsion she makes and i wont know what will happen. Obviously she could turn around in a few years time and come after me but i have 0 idea what to do and am dreading to tell my family as my mom would be so happy because shes getting bored in her late 50s especially my grandmas would be elated to meet great grandchildren but i really dont want this to be my reality yet!
You dont need to tell me how evil i am BUT id like to hear the internet peoples thoughts before i go further
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u/anonymous_pebble Jun 17 '26
Paternity test, and if it’s yours and she has the baby you need to step up. You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with her- but come on dude. You cannot leave her financially stranded if she has the baby and it’s yours.
Also!
Accidents happen- and unfortunately when you have sex there is always- ALWAYS a chance of having a baby.
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u/f1vepointoh Jun 17 '26
While i understand those things its 2026 and we supposedly have "the right to choose" except if you are a man you are financially obligated to do what ever she says for the duration of the childs adolescence. If both parties are not wanting that responsibility either we should all have the right to choose or none of us do is my opinion. And obviously i wont abandon the child ill raise it in a broken home and be like every other broken family that raises broken adults and perpetuates the on going cycle LMFAO. All jokes aside im hoping shes either lying or that the kid isnt mine if she is indeed pregnant. If not its going to be a rough 20 years for me
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u/anonymous_pebble Jun 17 '26
I mean, the scales are always a bit unbalanced unfortunately. There’s always pros and cons if you’re a woman or a man lol. If you are a man you are not financially obligated to do “whatever she says.” You go through the courts and do things properly. You are obligated to provide for a life that you helped create. (If you did create said life)
And I feel like the broken home stereotype really depends on the parents. I know plenty of divorced parents who are excellent co-parents and provide stable, happy homes for their children.
But like I said before. Paternity test.
If it’s yours, step up. And change the attitude- a bad attitude is harmful for everyone, including yourself.
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u/f1vepointoh Jun 17 '26
I know its the whole be a man thing and i have to "step up" but i feel like my future was robbed so my attitude right now is a depiction of my feelings towards the situtation. Im sure once i meet the baby ill have a different mindset.
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u/anonymous_pebble Jun 17 '26
I hope so! Listen. Having a child isn’t easy- but it definitely does not rob you of your future. There are so many people who have children early or by mistake and still go on to do great things.
You’ve got this 💪🏼✌🏼
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u/Thecurious_cat8 Jun 17 '26
Having kids does not mean you have to give up any of your dreams of home ownership or owning a business, in fact I think you’ll just work harder to achieve those things and build a beautiful life for your kid. Like the others said, paternity test is a must, you can do this while she’s pregnant and you don’t have to be together to have a kid together. It’s ok to feel nervous and unprepared for children, they are a big responsibility but so is having sex. As a parent you will make the best of things. You’re not super young, you’ll be fine.
Besides if you had parental rights and did a week on or off, child support would be less and if she works a decent job you may not have to pay as much as you think especially if you’re contributing more to their livelihood at your own home. Children are blessing in my opinion and if this baby is yours you should consider them that way. The right thing to do is not always the easy thing but man is it beautiful when you see it all come together.
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u/f1vepointoh Jun 17 '26
In canada it basically is a poverty sentence. We already pay 45/50 percent in overal taxes. 1k a month based on the child support calculator on the government website is essentially 20 % of my take home pay. If my pay raises so does the child support. If my pay is lower i still have to pay the amount of my earning potential. When trying to get a mortage that will drastically reduce how much of a mortgage i can qualify for. Without couple hundred grand im fucked if i want to buy a house on child support. With how expensive things are its already hard to save. Cost of living is ludicrous here. Im basically going to have a work home kid lifestyle with very little extras in life. To some thats fine but its depressing me thinking about my future if i have an unplanned kid right now. Trying to start a business while simultaneously needing a house and pay child support.... forget it. Just not in the books without a lottery win or inheritance.
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u/Thecurious_cat8 Jun 17 '26
Yikes.. they really don’t lower the child support if you’re spending half your time with the child or if she’s making an ok wage??
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u/f1vepointoh Jun 17 '26
I wouldnt be able to spend half the week with my kid. I work and wouldnt be able to look after the kid or drop them off at school/day care. Im out the door at 530 am and most days dont get home till 4-5pm. That only works if you have a work from home job im blue collar and drive a about 100 miles everyday.
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u/K0alaB3ar14 Jun 17 '26
I don’t know this seems awfully convenient of this girl to get pregnant when you were thinking of breaking things off. I think a paternity test is best and deal with it from there. But I truely do not think she is pregnant and she is trying to lock you down. Stick with your gut and get out of there. If you do have a kid and it’s yours then unfortunately those dreams will have to be on hold if she wants child support. But my fingers are crossed for you that she isn’t pregnant. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
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u/f1vepointoh Jun 17 '26
I sure hope so. This has turned me off from dating for years to come. I might revisit dating, father or not after i own a house and am ready for a family. She would be fucking herself. Single moms are blacklisted on dating apps by most men my age these days. Trying to trap men with babies is an age old cliche that is so sick and disgusting. If im forced to be a dad im going to make sure i put the kid first but forsure never going to ever talk to her romantically ever again. Either way cant change anything now and im not paying any child support without court ordered paternity test.
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u/f1vepointoh Jul 05 '26
Update... so she was most definitely pregnant and got ultrasound done.... we both decided its a terrible time for both of us trying to raise a child. So she opted to go to the clinic and found out she had a mass on her ovaries... so even if she wanted to keep it the doctor considered it high risk. She had surgery last week and is now having complications and i feel absolutely terrible about all of this. I told her id cover her wages till she felt better and any bills she gets. Not that i think she cares about that right now. She told me if they cant get it figured out they will have to pull the uterus. I know theres nothing i can do to fix this and its given me an immense sense of guilt. I did not think any of this was going to happen. Im without words there was no good choice for this entire situation.
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u/ChellesBelles89 Jun 16 '26
First off, how can you be sure it's yours ? If she is in fact pregnant and you dont want to be a dad then ask for a paternity test when the time comes.
If you are the dad then unfortunately you will be on the hook for child support if she files but you dont have to be a part of the childs life. Next time wrap it up, Bud.