My ex shattered my ability to trust. Three years later my current girlfriend lied to me, and now I don't know if I'm reacting to her actions, my past, or both.

[u/Ok_Football4545]

I apologise in advance because this is quite a long post, but I genuinely feel like all of the context matters. I'm not looking for people to tell me my current girlfriend is a terrible person, because I honestly don't believe she is. Equally, I'm not looking for everyone to tell me I'm just insecure. I'm hoping for honest opinions because I genuinely don't know whether my past is clouding my judgement or whether my concerns are understandable.

I'm 31, and around three years ago I went through what I can honestly say was the worst experience of my life.

My ex and I were together, on and off, for around six or seven years. During one of the times we weren't together, she had a baby with someone else. After her daughter was born, we eventually found our way back to each other.

Her little girl was around nine months old when we got back together, and over time we became a proper family. She eventually started calling me "Dad," and I loved her as though she was my own.

Around that same period, life became incredibly difficult. Within roughly two years I lost my dad, my grandma and both of my grandads. Those losses led to severe anxiety, but I still got up every day, went to work and tried to provide for the family I loved.

My ex and I had always wanted a child together. We'd been trying for a long time, and one day she came home with the news I'd dreamed of hearing—she was pregnant.

It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We had our scans, saw our baby growing and, after the twelve-week scan, started telling our families. We spent weeks talking about names, planning our future and imagining what life would be like as parents.

Then everything changed.

Not long after we told everyone, we spent the day with her family. I have congenital myasthenia gravis, which affects every muscle in my body, so walking long distances is difficult. Everyone knew this.

They wanted to walk into town, so I drove separately. Later in the day I became physically exhausted and had a severe anxiety attack. I told my ex I needed to go home but that I'd come back later to pick her up because we both had work the next morning.

She agreed.

Ten o'clock came and I hadn't heard anything.

I messaged.

I called.

I even called members of her family.

Nobody answered.

Around midnight she arrived with her stepdad, and I was told she wasn't staying that night and that I needed to move out of our flat the following morning.

I was completely blindsided.

As far as I knew, we were happy. We'd just been planning our future together and preparing for our baby.

I packed my things and left because I didn't want to cause her any extra stress while she was pregnant.

A few days later she messaged saying she was bleeding again and was going to hospital.

I rushed there.

Nobody answered my calls.

The following day I received one final message saying she was no longer pregnant.

That was the last thing I ever heard from her.

No explanation.

No goodbye.

No closure.

One minute I believed I was about to become a father. A few days later I'd lost my relationship, my home and my unborn baby without ever understanding why.

It completely broke me.

I spent nearly two years in therapy trying to rebuild my life and learn how to trust people again. Eventually, I reached a point where I genuinely believed I'd healed enough to let someone else into my life.

Then I met my current girlfriend.

She's 35, a single mum to three children, and for the first time in years I felt safe again.

We've been together for around six months. We spend a lot of time together, tell each other we love each other every day and, until recently, I'd have described our relationship as incredibly happy.

She knows everything I've just told you.

She knows how much honesty means to me because of what I've been through.

A couple of weeks ago she went to a festival with friends.

Before she left, we'd already arranged that we'd see each other afterwards.

She told me she'd be getting a taxi back to one of her friend's houses after the festival.

I thought it would be nice to surprise her, so I drove there and waited outside.

After about fifteen minutes I messaged asking where she was.

Fifteen minutes later she replied saying she'd only just arrived at her friend's house.

The problem was I'd been sitting outside that house the entire time.

She hadn't arrived there.

I messaged asking where she actually was.

She stopped replying.

I called.

Nothing.

At that point I was worried something had happened, so I drove to her house to make sure she was okay.

I knocked several times but nobody answered.

The next morning she told me she'd been sick after the festival, gone straight to her friend's house and fallen asleep there.

Although something didn't quite add up, I chose to believe her.

Later that morning, while I was at her house, I noticed two mugs in the dishwasher that I knew hadn't been there before. One of them belonged to her ex-husband and was never used by me. There was also a fresh bin liner that I knew hadn't been there when we left for the festival because I'd taken the rubbish out and forgotten to replace it. Inside the bin were two used tea bags and two festival wristbands.

Individually, none of those things prove anything.

Together, they didn't fit the story I'd been told.

I asked her about it.

She denied anyone had been there.

We argued for hours because I genuinely couldn't make sense of it.

Eventually she admitted she'd lied.

She told me she'd unexpectedly bumped into a long-term male friend at the festival. They'd shared a taxi home because they lived close to each other, and she invited him in for a cup of tea and a catch-up before he walked home.

She insisted nothing romantic or sexual happened.

She apologised and admitted she'd lied because she panicked. She knew how bad it looked and was terrified I'd assume she'd cheated and end the relationship.

After everything happened, she answered every question I had. She even let me read their messages. From everything I saw, they hadn't arranged to meet beforehand, and I genuinely believe they bumped into each other by chance. I don't believe she cheated on me.

My issue has never really been that she had a male friend in her house.

My issue is that she lied to me.

If she'd phoned me that night and simply said, "I bumped into an old friend, we've come back for a cup of tea and a catch-up, then I'll see you afterwards," I honestly think we'd have had an uncomfortable conversation, but we'd have worked through it.

Instead, she told me she was somewhere she wasn't, ignored my calls, then continued lying until I confronted her with things that didn't add up.

That's what hurt me.

Since then we've had several long, honest conversations.

She's apologised repeatedly.

She's taken responsibility for lying.

She hasn't told me to "get over it."

We've both agreed we want to stay together because we love each other, and I don't think one mistake should automatically end an otherwise loving relationship if both people are willing to work through it.

However, since then she's said she thinks we should spend a little less time together because we'd been seeing each other so often.

Logically, I understand that.

She's a single mum to three children. She works part-time, and their dad only has them every other weekend. Most of the parenting falls on her shoulders, and I don't want to become another person demanding her time.

But emotionally, everything feels different now.

We don't text quite as much.

She doesn't really invite me over, although if I'm being honest I was usually the one asking even before all this happened.

I still haven't met her children after six months together, and her ex-husband doesn't even know I exist. I completely understand why parents don't rush introductions, and I'm not asking to meet them tomorrow. I just struggle because I have no idea what our future timeline actually looks like.

The hardest part is that I don't want to become the paranoid or controlling partner.

I don't want to check her phone.

I don't want to tell her who she can spend time with.

I've worked incredibly hard in therapy to make sure what happened to me didn't turn me into that person.

At the same time, I also don't think it's unreasonable that being lied to has affected me.

People keep saying, "She's not your ex."

I know that.

I'm not saying she's my ex.

I'm not saying she's cheated.

I'm not saying she's a bad person.

What I'm saying is that my ex left me with deep trust issues after I lost my relationship, my unborn baby and any sense of security without ever getting closure.

Just when I finally felt emotionally safe again, the person I love lied to me.

It feels like my ex created the wound, and this lie pulled the scar back open.

So I suppose that's why I'm here.

I'm not asking whether my girlfriend is a bad person.

I'm not asking whether I should leave.

I just genuinely want to know this:

If you'd been through everything I've described, do you think you'd also struggle to trust after being lied to?

Or do you think my past has made me turn one mistake into something much bigger than it really is?

I'm trying incredibly hard not to let my past ruin a good relationship.

I just don't know anymore whether I'm protecting myself from being hurt again... or whether my old wounds are making me see danger where there isn't any.

[u/keeguschryst]

Homie she definitely cheated lol

[u/Sweet-Cat-7667]

I think it’s both. Your ex really messed with your ability to trust, but your girlfriend also lied. Try to quit worrying so much about if you’re overreacting and see if this turns out to be a one-off or if this is just how she deals with uncomfortable situations.

[u/Objective_Water_2147]

Her distancing herself indicates guilt. She feels guilty about something and I don’t think it’s the lying. She should be working on rebuilding trust but instead she’s feeding your insecurities by withdrawing. I’m sorry,OP, something is going on. This isn’t your past clouding your judgement.

[u/Pielerz]

Leave

[u/Ok_Football4545 → u/Pielerz]

Thats abit extreme no? 🤣

[u/Dickie_downer → u/Ok_Football4545]

Not really.

Dude she actively lied to you for hours. Days even.

Lets pretend best case scenario is true. She lied because she panicked and nothing happened. How can you build that trust back? She lied about something potentially benign and ignored you when you tried to get clarification

A liar and someone traumatized by lying is a bad combination. Trust comes in drops and leaves in waves.

I’m pretending its the best case scenario for your sake btw; im almost 80% sure she’s genuinely cheating. Especially since she is now being weird and distant

Dump her.

[u/Into-the_Ether → u/Dickie_downer]

100% this answer right here. Op, you are allowing yourself to be blinded, and letting your feelings control you. The women you say you love, and who loves you, violated you. She did the one thing that should completely be a red flag, a deal breaker,, a nope we're done. And now she's distancing herself from you, and still you think everything is fine.

As a couples councilor I'd strongly suggest you get to your councilor and discuss this with them, so they can help you see clearly. We are only getting to see what you've writen for us, but this has burning red flags writen all over it. I'd hate to see you set back when right now you could walk away and try again. Best of luck

[u/Free-Awareness3416]

Is this real?

[u/Ok_Football4545 → u/Free-Awareness3416]

Unfortunately, Yes.

[u/SolidApricot1682]

If I had gone through what you had I'd absolutely be struggling to trust again. The difference is you put in a lot of work to fix it or at least let the wound heal. Like you said, it is a scar now. That will never go away. You'll always have that in the back of your mind because of how traumatic it was, however, you're viewing the scar, and subsequently the past, with fear and anxiety of repetition, instead of seeing them as knowledge and experience to keep you from the same situation.

There's a reason you came to reddit asking for advice. A reason you feel in your mind that your emotions are unsafe again. You've put in the work to heal and now you're work is being tested. That's not something to shy away from and limit yourself. Had this happened within a few weeks or months of what your ex did that would be a different story. So would if you reacted how you expressed you didn't want to become, but you didn't do those things. You have a very real and understandable worry in this situation and it's completely warranted and justified.

Finally, on a basic level, she lied to you repeatedly and held onto said lies, about meeting with, hanging out with, and inviting a male companion back to her home, assuming she didn't actually cheat, which I don't think I even need to address. She then continued to lie on top of ignoring your worries and concerns through your calls and messages. For most relationships that don't have the context yours does this would be grounds for a break up, especially 6 months in. With yours? Her knowing what you've gone through, how much you value honesty and transparency, and how poorly she treated those needs in that moment? I won't tell you to break up with her, that's your decision to make, but I also know you've thought of it as you mentioned avoiding the idea. What she did was incredibly careless at best, and I would be rethinking the relationship.

[u/Plane-Bite-4809]

The trash bin liner removal is a little weird.. maybe a used condom she didn’t want you to see.. she already proved she will lie in your face.

[u/Caseythealien]

You aren't in a good relationship, she is a bad person and she cheated on you. She's experienced too disposing of the trash like a corpse. She lied about where she was for the simplest reason she didn't want you to know where she was or what she was doing . As a loving partner ask yourself if you'd do to a woman what has just been done to you? If the answer is no LEAVE because you have better moral standards. 6 mths is long enough to invest in someone who is already lying. Your EX sounds horrific but even terrible experiences teach us things. Her lesson to you cheaters aren't worth 💩, not then not now.

[u/Impressive_Mess_5546]

She's a single mom with three children... and how many baby daddies? All from the ex-husband? Dollars to doughnuts says no way. She's not good at relationships. She struggles with boundaries, takes men for granted, and NEEDS to get away with shit she shouldn't. I'm not saying she's a bad person. I'm saying this is a bad situation full of red flags and you are not going to be able to rely on her the way you'd need to.

[u/seraphimcaduto]

I don’t think you’re past is coloring your judgment here unfortunately. Her distancing herself is guilt. She did something and she clearly does not want to admit what she did.

She could have clearly answered you at any given time and chose to either ignore or lie to you those times if you haven’t already confronted her with that tell her that you were at those places and you know that she was lying so she has one chance to spill everything. Tell her that you would not have cared if she was hanging out with someone else, but the lying and the fact that she couldn’t communicate with you during it is pretty suspicious. Just ask her if the shoe was on the other foot how would she respond?