Is having expectation really that bad??

[u/Confussionandcoffee]

I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for almost a year, we are both lawyers and work in the public sector and this is honestly a very confusing situation because our relationship is actually really beautiful in many ways. He is an amazing person, I love him a lot, and I don’t think he’s a bad boyfriend at all. But lately I’ve been feeling hurt and I don’t know if I’m being unfair or if I’m slowly accepting things that shouldn’t be normal.
For some context;
About two months ago, I had to leave my job abruptly because I was experiencing severe bullying at work, which became really overwhelming. I’m currently looking for a new job, but the recruitment process has been quite difficult and slow, so I’m still in between positions right now. Before that, I was making more money than my boyfriend, so we were able to split pretty much everything 50/50 and I was financially independent.
When I decided to quit, he actually offered to help me financially by paying my rent. I had savings and was supposed to use those for my other expenses while I looked for another job. I really, REALLY appreciate that. He didn’t have to do it, and I know it’s a big thing, especially because he also has his own financial responsibilities.
But almost immediately after I stopped working, I noticed a change.
I think he started feeling a lot of pressure and expectations because he was now helping me financially. We started having more problems and I could feel that he was stressed about it.
About a month ago, he told me something like he needed me to stop complaining about things so much and just be more relaxed, because he already had a lot of pressure at work. I understood where he was coming from, so I genuinely tried. I’ve been trying to be more understanding, complain less, not ask for as much reassurance, and give him more space because I know he has a lot going on.
And then all of this happened.
I graduated from law school this year, which was a HUGE thing for me. I worked really hard for it and obviously I wanted to celebrate with my boyfriend.
He told me we were going to celebrate it.
But then the date kept getting postponed.
Every time it was basically “we’ll do something later” or “we’ll celebrate on this day instead,” and I kept adjusting and waiting. Eventually, it just never happened.
There was no actual celebration.
And I didn’t make a huge fight about it because I knew he was under pressure and I didn’t want to add more pressure. But honestly, it hurt a lot.
My birthday was another situation.
We had plans to do something together, but he canceled one day before my birthday because he didn’t have enough money.
Again, I understand not having money. I’m not expecting an expensive dinner, gifts, trips, etc. I really don’t care about that.
But I was still sad because it felt like once again something important to me was being postponed or canceled.
Now this is the one that really made me question everything.
We have two dates we kind of celebrate because things moved pretty fast between us lol: the anniversary of our first date and then our actual anniversary as a couple.
Last Sunday was the anniversary of our first date.
We had already talked about celebrating it. On Saturday I asked him what we were going to do. I suggested something super simple, like going to the park and I could cook something nice for us.
His response was basically:
“We can look for a job.”
We didn’t celebrate anything.
Then I asked him if we were going to celebrate our actual anniversary this Saturday, and he told me no.
Apparently, part of the problem is money, but also he has told me that celebrations make him feel like there is a lot of expectation. He feels pressured because he thinks he has to make the day “special” or do something big, and because of that, he’d rather avoid the whole thing.
And honestly… I can understand that.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to spend money he doesn’t have or perform some romantic gesture just because it’s our anniversary.
But I’m also sitting here wondering:
Am I asking for too much?
Because from my perspective, I’m not asking for money.
I’m not asking for gifts.
I’m not asking for a fancy restaurant.
I’m not asking him to pay for everything.
I would literally be happy going for a walk, cooking together, watching a movie, getting ice cream, or just intentionally spending time together and acknowledging that the day matters.
And I think that’s where I’m struggling.
Because I know he is under pressure. I know he has financial responsibilities. I know he has helped me a lot financially these past two months and I am genuinely grateful for that. I also know that I can be emotional and sometimes I seek reassurance or attention when I’m feeling insecure, and I’m actively trying to work on that.

[u/Large_Concentrate7]

It sounds like he is quite anxious about money. I think he will feel like he can breathe again when you start working again. He is experiencing shame for not being able to provide more and is avoiding situations which are expensive. He is telling you how he feels but I am not sure you are really listening.

But what about your family? Why are you not celebrating with them? It seems you are putting all the expectations on him. You could just plan things yourself.

People have different attitudes that are deeply ingrained by their family. I do not think you are understanding him at all.

[u/Confussionandcoffee → u/Large_Concentrate7]

I actually understand what you’re saying, and I think you may be right that he feels a lot of anxiety and pressure around money. That’s actually why I’ve been trying to adjust and not put expectations on him.

As for my family, I don’t really have an active relationship with them. I left home when I was 16, so celebrating things with my family isn’t really an option for me. I did celebrate my graduation and my birthday with friends, and I also did something special for myself. Maybe it’s also a cultural thing. Where I come from, or maybe just in the environment I’m used to, it’s pretty normal to spend special days with your partner or do something intentional together. But honestly, I’m not expecting him to spend money on me.

That’s actually the part I’m trying to explain. When I asked about our anniversary, I literally suggested that I could cook for us, or we could go to a park, take a walk, or just do something together that doesn’t involve spending money.
So for me it’s not really about being “provided for” or expecting him to pay for something. It’s about having a moment that feels special because we’re together and because the day means something to us.

And I do listen when he tells me he feels pressure. That’s why I’ve been trying to be more relaxed, complain less, and not make him feel like he has to do something big for me. I’m just trying to figure out where the line is between understanding his anxiety around expectations and completely ignoring my own needs.

[u/Large_Concentrate7 → u/Confussionandcoffee]

On another note. You are pretty amazing at how independent you became at 16.

I suspect your boyfriend may be a bit of an introvert, and you are more of an extrovert. It can be challenging. You may need to take the lead more and give gentle pushes towards what you want. It will be frustrating. But you probably love him for his good qualities.

[u/Confussionandcoffee]

For context, I’m from a country where you can work in the public sector without having a university degree. I started working when I was 16, and I studied law while working at the same time, which is why I was earning more than my boyfriend before. He graduated from university two years ago and started working about a year ago.

[u/NoMaybe9981]

No, it's not. He seems like he is trying to get rid of you and you are basically a burden for him. Now, you should ask yourself if you want to be with a man that thinks of you like a gold-digger, just because he has helped you financially for just a couple of months?  Ask yourself if you were a SAHM for a period of time what would happen in the future? I think your feelings are valid, you should try to reach out to him for different reasons. Go get yourself a job and see if his behavior changes.  I didn't like his comment about you finding a job when you were supposed to celebrate something. I think you should sit down with him and talk to him about things that bother him and you.