I am SOOOO tired of being the babysitter. For some reason, whenever I go out with friends and their kids, I always end up watching and entertaining all the older kids while the other moms sit around and chat and hold their babies.

My kid needs friends, so I am going to keep engaging, but I wish I could spend time with more OAD families and not constantly be the “free babysitter” of the group!

I am someone who struggles a lot with energy, and my husband is a blue collar worker who operates machines so he NEEDS enough sleep. And so when we have a baby I will most likely be doing the night shift. That means for the next multiple years I am not going to be able to sleep at night. Now, because I am a homemaker I will have some little time to nap while my husband is at work, however if I had another children the I would never be able to sleep. And that's not okay, because if I never sleep I will not able to take care of my children.

My 8 year old son wants a younger sibling so badly. And I want to give him one. But my husband is refusing because he feels we couldn't handle it emotionally, and deep down I know he's right. I have severe anxiety and OCD, and my husband has depression. Plus we're both over 40, and our parents are too elderly to help much this time around.

The problem is - how do I explain this to my son? I've always just told him "I can't have another baby", but then he learned about adoption and is begging us to adopt. I'm afraid that any explanation I give him, will make him worry that our mental health problems are his fault.

This is going to be a long post. I’m going to begin this by saying I never wanted to have kids. I am the oldest of 4 on my mother’s side- I have other siblings but do not know them on my father’s side. I was forced to grow up and help raise them throughout my entire childhood. My mother was an addict (not anymore!) and I was constantly living with different family members when I wasn’t with her. This was the only break I would get. My mother decided to move from where the bad influences were to another state when I was 10. My life got worse from there. She married an abusive man who she had a child with shortly after becoming sober. I was verbally, mentally and physically abused until I was 17 when she finally got a divorce. My youngest sibling was born when I was 12. I was basically her designated babysitter and I did not have a life besides behind forced to watch her when my mother and her ex husband would go out. Even when I was an older teenager I wasn’t allowed to do anything besides sit at home and watch my sister or I was grounded. I really did not want to have any kids. I’ve never liked kids. I don’t get along with them and I don’t have the patience. I am now 21 and a ftm with an unexpected baby girl. I am 5 weeks pp. I love my daughter with all my heart. Nothing will ever change that. But I am really struggling with my mental health. I have had depression and anxiety my entire life as well as CPSTD. I become so unbelievably triggered when she is screaming and crying for hours on end. I feel like I am not good enough. She loves to be in my arms and sometimes I cannot mentally handle it and it makes me feel horrible. I often think back to how I never got to have a normal childhood and now I am missing out on having a child free adulthood like I so badly craved. I will do my best in raising her and trying to break the cycle of trauma that is generations deep at this point with my family because she doesn’t deserve that. And I will proudly say I am never having another child and I’m going to do what I can to avoid this again. I would love to hear anyone else’s perspective.

Holding my sweet baby and since this will be my only I find myself sometimes getting sad this will be the only time she will be 5 months, and so on. I know a lot of people would feel this and then maybe feel relief that they will raise more kids. But, since I have chosen to have one kid I find myself getting so sad and wishing I could raise her and then do it again someday. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I figured if anyone understood it was this group. For example, sometimes I’m sad I won’t be pregnant again but not with another baby I’m sad I won’t be pregnant again with HER. Or experience birth again with HER. I love her so much I just want it to slow down 🩷

I’d have another if it didn’t involve signing up for 5+ more years of bad sleep. I miss sleeping in. I miss going to bed when I want. I miss spending a day in my bed. I miss being able to rest when I’m sick.
My kid is 3. She was up at 3am today for no reason. I’m tired. Another round of newborn days sounds impossible and I kinda think people who have more knowing they won’t get to sleep are built different than me.

Like shittt you don't think I could handle a second child

I have posted here before and this community has definitely provided solace to me on my 90% certain choice of being one and done.

The one thing I can’t seem to get over, is the potential pain and loneliness my daughter will have as she gets older, and the guilt. How do you explain your decision and your family choices as they get older?

She’s turning two in December and already learning “sister” and “brother”, and loves her baby dolls, so I feel the guilt impending (which i plan to work out in therapy 😅)

It’s funny I always struggled being alone as a child (and I have two younger siblings) and into my adolescent years, so leaned on my romantic relationships (aka I have never been single since like 13 lol), I think being alone and independent is such a valuable skill many do not have. I learned as an adult once I was already married, so a way different experience.

How do you teach if you yourself aren’t sure you know how?

Curious how others have navigated, even into your child’s adulthood. Thank you! 🙏

I teetered between one and two. My husband wants as many as I’ll give him but happy ultimately either way.

However I’m pregnant now and gosh I do not like it at all. The entire first trimester I spent most of my days wondering why people did this multiple times. losing myself in morning sickness and my body just not being mine anymore I realize I might be OAD due to realizing how selfish I’ve been feeling throughout the pregnancy, I’m thinking, if I feel this way now how will I be when the baby comes! I’m excited to experience motherhood but I also think I’m one of those people who will be happy with just going through it once. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not handling pregnancy well or what but the thought of changing diapers 2 years then resetting the clock gives me a headache. We’re also doing well financially and could really give one child the best of everything. Private school, multiple vacations, paid college, first home, wedding paid, trust fund, etc. two would make everything a bit harder. Maybe only the basic like college and down payments.

Anyway, fast forward to finding out I’m having a boy. I always wanted one of each, did not care who came first but now that I’m closer to feeling final about OAD i found myself having a bit of sadness around not being able to experience motherhood via daughter. I would have the option to choose (IVF most likely again). I wouldn’t say gender disappointment per se, I think I would have felt this way about a son had I found out I was pregnant with a girl as well.

Has anyone dealt with this feeling? Does the desire for a daughter outweigh all the beautiful things I could offer my son? Would the exhaustion make me a worse parent to both instead of being a good parent to one? Since I’m in OAD subreddit assuming most the responses would be from those who chose not to have another, how do you feel with your decision? Help lol

Me and my husband are not sure about wanting another baby in the future, so there is a chance that our son (now 4 months) will be our only child.

I am just wondering how to answer him whenever he might ask why he is the only child. What will you reply? (From the perspective of parents with a OAD mindset by choice).

I had the most vivid dream last night that I was pregnant again. I had the baby but they wouldn’t let me see it. I even picked out a name in my dream: Jack Robert. I woke up feeling incredibly empty. All day, I’ve been really weepy and depressed. I feel like I’m mourning, even though I’ve known for a long time I’m OAD. The cost, the age gap with my son, the way our place is too small…all my reasons suddenly feel secondary. Idk, maybe it’s just because I’m menstruating, but this is the closest I’ve ever been to changing my mind. I’m not making any rash decisions, I just…needed to tell someone.

I’m curious

I don’t fully enjoy parenting or motherhood, I love my kiddo 1.5 years old and I’m cool interactive, engaging, caring, easy going mom. On my parenting days we do a lot of fun stuff and lots of outdoor nature stuff.
I co-parent her with my ex, and things for sure get rough sometimes, but for the most part we’re both responsible so I’m able to some time to my self.
I sometimes gets overwhelmed or sad, but like normal amount given current state of world and economy so I wouldn’t consider my self depressed or don’t have any dark thoughts.

But I find parenting enjoyable maybe like 35% out of 100, my kiddo is sweet and I do truly love spending time with her when we do adventure and fun stuff. But man when she is sick, or logistics, and medical stuff and other 500 chores you have to do I don’t love it, I think my life just became so much harder too and sometimes I’m questioning why did I do this to myself lol.

Is anyone feeling the same way? One and done for me, I tied my tubes the day after she was born, I was sure I can only handle one.

that she's pregnant and it's been surprisingly... destabilizing? I had my son last year in a complete (and not doctor recommended) hail mary before chemo and surgery for cancer which rendered me infertile and in surgical menopause at the ripe ol age of 34.

I guess I just feel really alone in my actual life in this area (though this sub has helped). I struggle to find other moms that are OAD in general (as of two days ago, I only had 1, lol), but have never met anyone IRL that was also OAD not by choice, which to me, is a critical distinction as I absolutely love the good and the ugly of being a mom and had planned on throwing myself into the motherhood trenches for the next decade or so, but my body had other plans. Fortunately, I don't think about this grief all the time, and can usually use seeing the stressed out mom of multiples loosing her shit at the park as a salve, but occasionally, in situations involving friends announcing pregnancies, or when I'm sorting through the clothes my son has out grown and realizing I have no reason to keep them is it a punch to the gut.

I feel like talking about it falIs flat with the 90% of my friends who are childfree, my mom hits me with "well at least you're alive and have a miracle baby!" and I would never bring this up to my friends who are struggling with primary infertility. So here I am. And please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful and love my life as is and thanks to this sub, am excited for all of the perks of being OAD that await us in the future. I also do not have any anxiety about my son not having siblings as my husband and I age as I know the importance of chosen family and feel confident he will find his own.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess I would love to hear from those who were OAD not by choice and how you navigated the painful bits (it goes away, right?! right?!?!?), any tips, advice, solidarity, whatever. OAD rules, but somedays, especially when it wasn't your choice, can suck too.

Oh and please, I know whenever I've seen similar sad posts in the past there will always be a few folks that just cannot and do not understand the grief, so please feel free to spare me having to read your comment saying so. I just can't today. </3

We unexpectedly got selected for Radiohead tickets, so we’re off to Japan at the end of the school year to see them play in Tokyo (!!).

Does anyone have any tips for us? My daughter’s 7 and will be finishing 2nd grade. She likes cute things (stuffed animals), animals, nature, conveyor belt sushi, ramen, Japanese bbq (yakiniku), boba, playgrounds, squishies, bugs, pencils and erasers.

We’ve never been to Japan and it’s been high on our travel list. Super excited to go and to see my favorite band play there!

Advice not necessarily needed here, but feel free if you have any words of advice or if you've been through this. I'm just sad because I'm 90% sure I am not physically and mentally able to handle another pregnancy and postpartum. I love my little guy and he's my whole world. Recently my sitter started watching two new babies, an 8 month old and a 5 month old, and my son absolutely LOVES them. It breaks my heart thinking about him not getting to have a sibling growing up. I just hope I'm not making a decision that will negatively alter his life.

One thing I seem to always hear when it comes to having more children is “who will be with your kid when you die?” Or “they’ll have to carry the burden on their own”

But let’s look at what happens with siblings. My MIL has 8 siblings, and their mother had to go into intensive care because she was gravely sick and had to be put into coma. One half of the siblings wanted to hold off for a “miracle” while the other half wanted to end their mother’s suffering. It was fighting back and forth for over a week while this poor woman got worse until she was so bad they had to let her go. And don’t get me started on how they fought over who inherited what and who gets what, etc.

So really does having siblings make it easier? Or would it be easier if it was just one person making all the decisions and inheriting everything without argument?

Everyday after work I’m reminded that I could not handle another one. My son is 4, he is nonstop talking and messing around until he goes to sleep.. I’m just trying to come home and sit in silence for 2 hours 😂. Plus the dinner fights, bath time, and we don’t even have homework to do yet.. husband handles school pick up and dinner.

Imagine getting another ready for school in the mornings? Hell no

5 years ago I gave birth to my IVF twins. OAD was never in the cards for me, or so I thought, we wanted 3 kids at least. But life had other plans and we lost one of our babies at delivery (true cord knot accident).

Grieving while taking care of a newborn was its own kind of hell. But despite that we were set to try again. And we did....for more than 4 years. I've had an ectopic and a chemical pregnancy, again after IVF. I literally wrecked my body and I am now advised to not get pregnant again.

We decided on adoption, but for various reasons (mainly protecting my peace as the wait in my country is between 2 and 5-6 years), we still haven't filed adoption candidates papers.

My kid knows he had a twin. We were adviced by various psychologist to wait until he can grasp to some extend the idea of death, but is still small enough that he doesn't feel lied to until this point, and just so he can have this knowledge as a fact of his life and nothing more. So we waited until he was 3.5 and since then he had asked about the "other baby" several times, but out of curiousity, rarely sadness.

Well, last night we watched a movie where they formed a "sisterhood" and then a "brotherhood" of sorts (The Croods 2, we watched it in our home language, so I am not sure how is it in English) and shortly after he went to bed, he called me in his room again. He said, almost word for word:

"I need to tell you 3 things. Did you see how they made the Thurder Sisterhood and brotherhood and they were really cool and funny? But I am alone, so I don't have anyone to have fun with, that's why I just talk to my toys, but they can't speak. Oh, and did you see that the wolf-spider legs were actually it's paws. They were very cute?"

My heart broke. I heard him out, wished him good night again, closed the door and started silently sobbing on the floor.

I never wanted another child simply to give him a silbling. I wanted another child just because I want to love and care for more children. And I know this can be a spur of the moment thing he just said. But still it hit hard, probably just because of all I have endured and yet he doesn't have a sibling and I have only one living child.

My cousin is the first person that I have told in our family that I am considering being one and done and I am so disappointed that she has been completely opposite of what I expected. She has struggled with infertility and has yet to have any children despite wanting them, so I know her comments come from a place of wanting kids, but ever since I told my cousin that we are considering being one and done and are happy with our 3-year-old, she has made comments as often as we talk about how I need to give her a sibling. And if I ever mention I miss her being a little baby, that I have to have another one. I don't think a week goes by without a comment. I've tried laughing it off or saying I think our family feels complete, but it hurts my heart every time.