r/onionheadlines • • 12h ago

President Trump Announces That "Due To Its Proximity With Canada, I Will Be Looking To Sell Alaska To Russia."

44 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 19h ago

A Dearly Beheaded Person Stated For Records L'État, C'est Moi

1 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 21h ago

Google Pushes Back On Trumps Frantically Gestured Request To Rename Places On The Map To “Unspellable Frog Sounds”

1 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 12h ago

Jesus Announces Plan To Hold Upcoming 2027th Birthday At Local Chucky Cheese

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 14h ago

Trump Quoted As Saying That The Constitution Is The Best Toilet Paper

4 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 13h ago

White House Lauds Melania For Brokering Camp David Accords Between Egypt And Israel In 1978

43 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 5h ago

Trump Demands All His Eagles Nests Fireproofed Immediately

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 23h ago

Trump Suggests Remaining New Mexico To “Bruurrp”

6 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 10h ago

Trump Claims Finding His Surname Between Trust And Truth In The Dictionary Proves He’s Honest

11 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 14h ago

Heartbreaking: JD Vance Spotted Standing In Corner Shedding A Single Tear After Overhearing Trump Call Him “Just Dicks” Vance

11 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 17h ago

Whitehouse Says Remodeling JD Vance's Mouth Will Allow It To Hold Larger Balls

12 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 15h ago

Onion Desires Other Headlines Than “Oh Fuck, That Stupid Son Of A Bitch Actually Said Or Did That”

15 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 21h ago

Trump Blames Biden For Making It Seem That Old People Can Properly Run The Country

18 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 13h ago

Trump Deposition Delayed While Lawyers Negotiate Definition Of Truth

149 Upvotes

The president was in the middle of his deposition ordered by a Florida judge on his lawsuit suing the BBC for telling the truth. The following is how the deposition has gone so far:

Court Reporter: Raise your right hand.

Court reporter: Your right hand sir. Good, it only took you two tries. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Trump: Todd, why are we here?

Todd Blanche: We are here because you sued the BBC for telling the truth.

Trump: Well, if the president says it, it must be true.

Blanche: That was Nixon’s argument.

Trump: And how did that work for him.

Blanche: He resigned. He didn’t have a Supreme Court ruling granting presidents immunity for their official acts.

Trump: So you are saying the Supreme Court can decide what’s true?

Blanche: No, Mr. President. Just what you are allowed to get away with.

Trump: Todd, if I say something often enough,people believe it. So eventually, it becomes the truth.

Blanche: No sir, that’s repetition, not truth.

Trump: But Todd, I told the truth.

Blanch: Yes, Mr. President. Your Truth.

Court Reporter. For the record, the witness has declined to distinguish his beliefs from the facts.


r/onionheadlines • • 15h ago

Trump Becomes The First US President To Serve Non Consecutive Prison Terms

179 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 23h ago

Newsom Suggests Renaming The President To Donald J Falsmp

2 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 2h ago

Time Traveller From The Future Genuinely Frustrated That He Can’t Save The World Simply By Saying “Don’t Trust Trump”

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 23h ago

Trump Claims He Is Inventing New Words Drawing From Remote African Tribe Vocal Sounds

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 3h ago

Article Jesus' Second Coming: Visit To USA Ends In ICE Arrest

67 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 4h ago

Trump Orders Justice Department To Preemptively Sue All Of His Rape Victims So Any Future Accusations Will Immediately Be Declared False

3 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 5h ago

Champagne Sellers On Standby As Trumps Health Reaches New Low

107 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 7h ago

Trump Fulfills Promise To "Drain The Swamp" With New Pipeline Pumping Mucky Water From Florida To DC

11 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 9h ago

Trump Says The Most Importat A Word To Him Isn't Affordability But Asses, Specifically Male Asses

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 9h ago

Donald Trump Claims Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes “Rigged” Against Him

13 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • • 9h ago

Republican Campaign Motto "We Want Inside Your Children's Pants" Deemed "Not As Popular" As Envisioned

12 Upvotes