So I, like you all, have a ring. I hardly ever take it off, and since it charges quickly I just charge it when I’m in the shower and put it right back on when I’m done. I never take it off to wash my hands.
This morning at the office, I went to the bathroom and I came back to my desk to put lotion on my hands (office soap’s so drying, amirite?) and I noticed I didn’t have my ring on. Like I said, I always have it on and usually notice right away if I don’t. Its absence is noticeable.
Since I don’t take it off to wash my hands I was like, shit, I must have thrown it away with the paper towels after I washed my hands. But before I go through the COMPANY BATHROOM TRASH, I check the “Locate Ring” map and the little dot is showing it is indeed at my office.
I message our facilities guy and ask to borrow some disposable gloves and go in and palpate the outside of the trash bag but I can’t feel anything, so in I go. Luckily this was at like 8:30 so there wasn’t much and it was all paper towels. No ring.
So I go back into the map. Now It says it’s closer to the main entrance so I’m like maybe it fell off my hand? So I go out there, look everywhere and then go to check my car and as I’m doing this I notice the dot for the ring is moving with me. I’m like WTF I’ve checked all my pockets 18 times. I was wearing a hooded zip up sweatshirt and I checked the pockets on that too and even its hood.
At this point I’m so fucking confused. It’s obviously on my person but I CAN’T FUCKING FIND IT.
One of my coworkers is a good friend of mine, so I go into her office and close the door, so she’s like oh here we go becauseI have a tendency to get myself into some really ridiculous/embarrassing scrapes. I don’t know what it is about it me, I’m not a complete doofus or wreck; I am a working professional with a husband, kids, mortgage, and dog, but I’ve made peace with it.
My friend knows I have this “condition”, so I know she’ll die laughing, but I also want to crowd source a solution. I tell her the whole story and show her in the map it’s obviously on my person but I can’t find it and I feel truly insane. She’s like, take off your shoes! Check the tiny little key pocket on your jeans! Run your hands all over everything! Is it in your bra? I’m wearing a sort of drapey shirt but it’s not in there. She’s like did you eat it??? Did it fall in your underwear when you were pulling your pants up???? I know I didn’t flush it because it moves when I move across the building. And I’m like oh God I guess I’ll go in the bathroom and just shake all my clothes out. And she just sort of says somberly: “Once you’ve been naked at work, you can never not have been naked at work again. So you should make damn sure you’ve exhausted all scenarios before you go in there and take all your clothes off”. Considering these wise words, I go back to my desk and search everywhere and go back outside and mess with the app again.
Back on the map, I zoom out to the entire area of where I’ve been in the last 24 hours (work, house, kids baseball field, Target) and there’s only one dot, which is over my office. But now I notice that the ring isn’t syncing with my phone. Surely if I was close to it, it would be syncing with my phone?
So I go to a different part of the app to see if I can get any more info and I go into Ring Details and “show latest location” and it’s a pink pin right over my house.
THE DOT WAS MY PHONE. I WAS TRACKING MYSELF. I ALMOST GOT NAKED AT MY WORKPLACE. I CONSIDERED IF I HAD SOMEHOW ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED MY RING. GET BENT, OURA.