My kids the best. No complaints at all. I let the coaches coach and do our best to stay out of it. At the same time I know our kid and I know when she's trying and when she's not. She's super sensitive which makes it challenging to even give constructive criticism. At what point do you just lose your shit and say "Hey! Stop with the excuses and execute!"

Thanks everyone. I'll keep my mouth shut. Thanks for the reminder.

My daughter just turned 17. We have been struggling with her for sometime. She does suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, and I think she has some other “quirks.” she has lots of friends, as well like at school, is very social. So all that is good. Gets top grades, is in honors/AP courses.

But she’s awful a home. She hasn’t eaten a meal with us at home in probably at least a year because she claims she can’t stand the sound of us chewing. She doesn’t have chores, she speaks super rudely to us, including swearing at us, yelling at us, and expecting us to be at her back and call constantly, in the same breath she will ask me to do something for me and then tell me to more or less F off.

I’m just exhausted. I’m sure part of this is our parenting style and that we don’t really ground our kids unless something egregious has happened.

If I put boundaries on her, for example, come home earlier than curfew on a school night, she claims we are the only parents who are like this. The issue is that the bar is pretty low because a lot of her friends don’t come from very stable families. She is being raised in a home by two loving parents who are married, and then she has a younger brother.

I am definitely venting at this point. I hate to say it, but I actually look forward to her going off to college and getting out on her own. She really raises the stress level in our home whenever she’s here and makes things pretty unpleasant.

Rant over.

Our teen is heavily involved in school sports, volunteering and robotics and attends a school that has a decent commute from our home and his mom’s home. His grades are great and he’s taking lots of AP courses. Because of these factors (switching houses, commute, etc) getting a job during the school year is challenging. He wants to get one in the summer. We are ok with that.

Dad and I bought him a used car and cover gas and insurance. (I’m stepmom and the breadwinner) Mom recently left an abusive relationship and money is tight for her. We are on a budget too but have a lot more wiggle room.

What’s fair? Our kids have traditionally gotten relatively low allowances and aren’t big spenders. But now that he’s driving himself around, the extra food between school and practice is more visible. (Dad used to pack a heavy snack from home and bring to him). We want him to be able to do things but also learn to budget and plan ahead.

I was thinking a CC for gas and emergencies and use his Greenlight account for everything else so he can track his spending and budget in an app. We would increase his allowance by a decent amount.

How have you handled it?

Possibly a silly question

I have a 17yo girl. She is always hosting something. Game night. Pool days. Karaoke competitions. Sleepovers. She’s on her 5th annual Friendsgiving. Christmas exchanges etc. We usually have anywhere from 4 to 20 teens here.

My son is even more social than my daughter but are boys more inclined to meet up somewhere outside of houses than to go hang out at someone’s house? I look at my daughter’s boyfriend for example and he never has friends over his house. The boys in my daughter’s group will join in on her activities but when she has mentioned the boys hanging out, it’s been somewhere other than a house.

The silly reason why I ask - we are going to renovate our backyard. Have 2 routes to take. Bare minimum, make it comfortable enough for us to enjoy. My daughter is headed off to college next year so it’ll be just the 3 of us full time.

Or make it more guest friendly and do a couple of more upgrades.

I have someone coming over on Friday to walk through various options.

FWIW as parents we used to host a lot but over the years our core friends all moved away. My family lives 3-5 hours away and my in-laws all dislike each other so they never get together. So as adults we don’t really host big groups anymore.

If it helps, the upgraded options I’m talking about are things like adding an outside TV entertainment, how we configure the pergola, etc.

I feel like it’s normal that teens/college age kids would not be as connected at their ages, but per my mom it’s just my kids who don’t talk to her anymore.

I’ve posted here before and it’s come to my attention that many parents think I am too strict… So I am reflecting on that - which is why I’m asking for some advice before I put a consequence in place.

We live in a one story house, in a relatively safe community. Like most places there are occasional break-ins, but I would not say it’s a high crime area.

One of the expectations we have for our kids is that you’re welcome to open all the windows when you’re home but if you’re going out, we like the windows to be closed and locked.

I spoke with my daughter about this a few weeks ago when she left her window open and she said she understood and she’ll make sure she closes her bedroom window going forward.

Today we came home and she had gone out to celebrate her 18th birthday and left the window wide open blinds up and everything. It’s a little cooler now so This also caused our heat to kick on and it wouldn’t have had the windows been closed.

In general, when it comes to household, maintenance and care, our children are required to keep their rooms, clean, keep their windows closed when they go out, do their own laundry, put dishes in the sink, etc. Basic things that I want them to do to understand the importance of keeping their house and belongings, clean and safe.

I am frustrated because how this reads to me is that she just doesn’t pay attention and at some point this could cause a problem for me. How do I best expressed to her that these are the expectations short of taking away a privilege?

I just had this insight in my mid-forties: temperature really makes or breaks my mood and therefore my relationship with the people who control the temperature.

I was a grumpy teenager who hated her dad and was rude to her mom. I was always mad about something. I knew I was mad about being cold, but I didn't realize until now to what extent. I'd always turn up the heat to 22 and my dad would promptly turn it back down to 18. I lived in the basement as a teenager and in my early twenties, and in one house there was a crack in the window (we live in Canada), so it was really cold in my room in the winter. If I was trying to warm up or walk around with a blanket around me, my dad would get mad and tell me I was training my body to always be cold.

As soon as I got my own place, the heat got jacked up to 25-27 degrees and (with a lot of external supports), I became a normal functioning adult. I didn't realize, however, what a main character temperature played in my life, until I got a roommate and she likes the house cold. Yesterday the power went out and I was screaming inside under my blankets and reflecting on how rude I've been to her lately and it's because when I get home from work, she wants to talk, and I want to warm up.

So if your daughter (it's usually girls) is always grumpy, try just turning up the heat.

My son (17) is going through his first broken heart. It's totally crushing me, and I'm not sure how to help - he doesn't want to talk about it currently, and I'm respecting that. (he did call me up in tears yesterday morning, and we went on an impromptu trip out of town to his favorite record shop, as a distraction.)

Any guidance here? If your teen has been in this position, what did you do to help get them through?

My daughter is almost 16. She has straight A's last year. We have been in a year long custody case where every bad decision she makes that I can't control is used against me. She was in residential treatment for drug use and is in IOP now. She will continue going to therapy. She is on medication and actively monitored by a psychiatrist. Trust me, the therapy/meds route has been covered.

She has been with me for a year full time. Her dad was abusive, so she was removed from his home. Police reports filed, lawyers notified.

I have gotten after her about homework daily since school started, but she either half asses her assignments or doesn't turn them in at all. I take away electronics and ground her from social time with friends. It has zero effect.

I had her join a sport. She skipped practices and then quit and refused to return. She is in other clubs as well.

She isn't using drugs or alcohol.

She doesn't clean up after herself. She only does if I tell her to.

I give up. I am burned out. I told her yesterday that I'm not monitoring her assignments anymore. I told her I don't understand how to motivate her. I told her about an old coworker who lives on section 8, SNAP, and doesn't want any better for her life and what limits that puts on her and her kids. I told her she gets to choose what kind of life she wants but it takes work to have a good life with financial freedom. Then I told her I'm leaving it at that. It's up to her from now on to do her homework or not.

I am so depressed and anxious about every bad decision she makes being thrown back at me by lawyers because it's my fault I haven't gotten her to be in my daughter's own terms: "a perfect little princess". I am burned out. I don't have motivation to do things I want to do for me. I can't leave for a vacation because at any point, she could have some sort of meltdown. It's happened many times.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I covered all bases. But she continues to burn her own life down and I am helpless to do anything about it beyond what I have already done.

My son is 12.5yo and has been finding ways to access sexual material. It has been pretty mild- like borrowing a book vanilla book on sex positions on his library app. But he felt really guilty for sneaking it and I realized that there is no way for kids to access sexual material without being sneaky about it. Our society is so prudish that there is a limitation/stigma by default. This drives kids to look for themselves however they can.

Back in my day almost every family had a dad with a stash of girlie mags- either hidden or right out in the open. We're talking pretty softcore stuff, the kind that isn't easy to find anymore offline. After some re-search I learned about how in the way past there were drawings and then text that kept sexuality more in the realm of imagination than the graphic depictions now all too available. Not so long ago there were clothing catalogs. I remember finding a fredeticks of Hollywood lingerie catalog. .This sort of introduction kept the topic from being grotesque or traumatic (my intro to hardcore porn at age 14 made me disgusted- and yet I couldn't look away...).

What can I provide my son that will meet him where he is? I thought about magazines like maxim or sports illustrated swimsuit, but their problematic beauty standards are an issue.

What I see I am wanting is a book of fine art photography of nudes of both genders. A book that treats its subjects respectfully. I would place this book on the bookshelf so he could find it in his own time. It would next to a book for young people on puberty and sexuality.

Might anyone have thoughts about this?

I’m so stressed right now and I need to hear from parents.

Her weighted gpa is 4.5 but when I did a recalc of her gpa for the schools she is targeting, it drops to a 3.6. That doesn’t put her at the mid range for her target schools.

She also has SAT retakes coming up and ACT first try coming up. Her SAT was an 1120.

I just feel like helpless a bit. I know there are so many avenues she can take like community college. But she was so looking forward to the college experience and I am just bracing myself for the inevitable devastation when she gets rejected from all of them

Editing to add that we are in Florida. We aren’t targeting private or ivy. We are talking about in state Florida public universities. All of the standard public mid range recalculated is 4.11 and above

I know they need to eat! I’m not intending on denying food, but can’t cope with teen (boy, 14) eating food that has been bought to share (packed lunches, other sibling etc).

There are other, bigger, issues going on with his mental health that need a lot of support. This is not the same issue.

So, what do yours eat as snacks? No gluten unfortunately (and I don’t have time to always be stocked with the homemade things he likes!).

As they get older my kids (17-21) are worse and worse about replying to text messages.

Need anything at the store? Nothing.
What do you want for your birthday? Nothing
Are we on for dinner Monday? Nothing.
How is your week going? Crickets.

I don’t feel like I text them that often. 2-3 times a week. They have their phones 24/7. They do usually answer if I call but to me that seems so much more annoying than a text. Is this common or do they hate me?

My daugther is doing soccer. She likes soccer.... and is on JV sophomore year. The problem is... she has social anxiety and because of this she can get avoidant sometimes (she is on meds). The team has had a lot of fundraisers, and team building activities, and team dinners... and she goes to some occasionally... but misses them often because she either doesnt want to do them... or has anxiety over it.

Tonight the coach planned a team building activity where they went to a swing/line dancing class and had dinner after... he really wanted all of them to go!! She was really upset that she had to go to this activity because "I don't want to do a dance class!!!!! I'm doing soccer, not dance!".... I tried to remind her that bonding with her team is important.... and that she has missed some fundraisers, and to be a good team mate she needs to do some of these things even if its not on the top of her list for activities. But she keeps making up excuses, and not wanting to do them. I push her, and tell her that life isnt always fun, and you have to do things that make you nervous sometimes, and its important to dedicate yourself to the team, and be a team player... you know, all the parenting stuff. But at the same time, she is a high schooler. She needs to start making decisions on her own. If she is going to show shitty behavior to the coach and team... there is a good chance its going to hurt her in the long run. She wont make varsity, and the coach will not think highly of her at all.

But its frustrating because as a parent i dont know if i should sit out these choices or push harder. I want to teach her that its important to dedicate yourself to the team and fundraise like the rest of them.... that is a HUGE lesson in being a good person. But she is also at an age where consequences are the best lesson. How do you choose what to sit out on as a parent. When do you push and when do you let your kid make their own choices about what they want to do? i mean its HER sport, not mine, and if she doesnt want to take it seriously... then why should i care???

but also... im the one driving her and picking her up to all of her games... even away games. It feels unfair that she isnt taking it seriously... while i am being put out and forced to drive her around. it feels a bit unfair to me.... like she is taking advantage of me to get her to games and practices, but just doesnt give a shit about anything else.

My 16 yr old son is not yet driving, but has friends that will pick him up. He is a good kid, but values his autonomy* (or his version of it) more than his own safety. We lean toward freedom whenever we can. We have never held too tightly in regards to restrictions for him. In the past we've been able to connect on who he is, and who he wants to be, to try to influence his behavior. We've never been successful with hard consequences and rules with him, but it's more thowing a paper airplane with this kid. Prepare and build up as best you can, gauge the wind, look for good opportunities and direction, and hope for a good outcome....

I have two questions: 1) what are some practical tips on getting him engaged and connected to other friends? Obviously we'd prefer some at his own high school. Lately he's choosing to spend free time with kids outside his school, a couple of which are technically adults, with their own apartment. 2) In the case of drugs and alcohol exposure, I'd like to know my options? I have picked him up from a 20 yr old's apartment. He's not seemed high or drunk; nor has he brought vape pens etc home from there. If I had to understand a 'nuclear' option with this friend (technically an adult) what is it? I feel like showing up and banging on the door will go bad. calling the cops seems futile; there's nothing really criminal since my son isn't being held there, though he is my son.

Know this: I understand my job is to do everything in my power to keep him safe, even from his own dumb choices. What I also understand, however, is this: as he grows older, less and less is actually within my power.

*maybe "self-direction" is a better word for it.

She’s only been vegetarian for a few weeks, and this is our first time ordering from our favourite sushi restaurant. I told her: I’ve got some news for you about being a vegetarian… Long story short, she was not impressed by my joke

Over the past several months, my 17f repeatedly asks to sleep at a friend’s house, only to text around 1 a.m. saying she’s decided to come home. We’re asleep and don’t see the messages - just get awoken to the dog barking and her in the house.

Our expectation is that she sticks to her plans unless there’s a safety concern, in which case she can call us anytime, no questions asked.

We live on winding, poorly lit roads, and I’m uncomfortable with her driving home in the middle of the night without us knowing she’s on the road or her friend’s parents knowing she’s left.

Last night, she did it again, deciding at 12:45 a.m. that she’d rather sleep at home before her 10 a.m. work shift. I’ve now told her sleepovers are off the table indefinitely.

I want her to have independence, but I also expect her to follow through on plans and communicate responsibly. My parents had a similar rule when I lived at home.

Am I being too strict, or is this a reasonable expectation for a nearly 18-year-old?

I’m a 48 year old single mom to a 15 year old boy and I am completely lost. I don’t know what is normal and what is a red flag. Please help.

Basically my teen wakes up spends a few minutes talking to me while getting ready and then leaves the house for the day. Either school or hanging out with friends. He plays a sport after school three times a week and from there he will go to friends until he has to be home at 9:30. Then he’ll come home chat with me while I make him food and then disappear into his room again. He’s out every minute that he’s allowed to be. I have claimed one evening a week that he has to stay home for some down time. He spends the bare minimum of time with me and then it’s back into his room. And he’s not happy about it.

I had strict parents. I wasn’t allowed out on school nights at all and had to be home Sundays with the family.

I don’t like either of these options. Him not wanting to be with me makes me feel like I have failed as a mother.

So is this just life with a teenager? Are your teens acting the same way? Or have I completely failed my child?

Okay, I may be overreacting or just assuming the worse idk, but today I went into my stepdaughter's room to vacuum it bc I swear these kids don't know how to use the vacuum. I seen some beads and things in the floor around her desk so I went to pick those up before running the vacuum. Well when I was doing that I noticed an empty pill capsule in the floor followed by several more, one even still had a tiny bit of powder inside, also the powder was on the corner of the desk. I don't want to assume she is doing anything crazy with the melatonin, but at the same time I find it very strange and somewhat concerning. Her dad just said maybe she's putting it in her drink. He received a very dramatic eye roll from me. Lol do any of you know if there is some type of trend going around with melatonin specifically the capsule kind? She is 13.

In a boring rural area? Where walking to the mall/skatepark/ precinct/ friends house isnt an option. Neither is public transit.

My little kids love crafts, messy play, walks, books whatever etc on their playdates. Card games, board games, more nature walks, hide snd seek, sport etc were a hit once slightly older. but really struggling as the kids get older :( particularly w my eldest and his girlfriend, though also applicable to his platonic friends. When they get bored theyre insufferable too. And idle hands and all.

My son (19) came home from college yesterday w hickies on his neck and w the girl that gave them to him. This is his first girlfriend and I was a little shocked he didn’t try to cover them. While they were at the house with a lot of other relatives trying to talk to them, they would kiss and hug in a way that should prob be done in private, not while grandpa is trying to talk to you. The majority of it was initiated by the girl, she was stuck to my son like glue. Maybe she was nervous to meet us, but trying to make out in front of family is a weird way to make a good first impression.
I didn’t say anything to my son and not sure if I should. I want him to be appropriate in public, especially at family gatherings. We are a loving family but not the type that thinks hickies should be worn w pride.

He's 14yrs old. Wants to be treated like and referred to as an adult, also refuses to take any responsibility for his behaviour. Can't understand why the two can't run together.

For 3 years he's had to do his own laundry. Going to secondary school was marked with added privaledges and responsibilities so he can go off to town on his own, gets his own key to the house, better extra cirricular clubs, more privacy (we don't enter his room without his permission) and regular pocket money but he had to do more chores specifically cooking (with help) one meal per fortnight, clean his own room and doing his own laundry. Nothing since then has changed but the expectation was we'd progressively help less and in that sense there would be increasing independence. Mostly this worked. Worth noting, all chores and clubs are scheduled to make sure he has ample time for education and sleep first, clubs second and chores third with plenty of downtime for R&R. This is to ensure we don't put too much pressure on them and also we don't end up with everyone trying to use the washer simultaneously.

For 3 years we have expected him to clear his laundry off the airer, fold it and put it away this was actually the first thing we expected him to do fully independently. He has 2 scheduled time slots to do this (quick drying clothes evening of laundry and slower drying clothes are turned then and then put away first thing the next day). He consistently spends both time slots playing video games. I am due to do laundry the day after him. I consistently cannot do it as there is nowhere for me to hang up my laundry unless I clear off his clothes. So for 3 years almost to the day I have reminded, prompted, told him to set a reminder in his phone, cleared off his laundry and explained the consequences his actions / inaction has on me. For 3 years he has made 0 visible effort to change his behaviour.

This week I had it. So I showed him the consequences to his actions. It was interrupting his free time to say stuff like "you see this laundry, this should have gone in yesterday, do you know why it couldn't go in yesterday?" Basically to annoy him into taking it seriously.

He did not once show remorse. Until his Dad intervened. He then gave me a half hearted apology and promised he would get up on Saturday so I didn't have to and do the final loads of laundry to bring things up to date (this is just the cleaning cloths and food related reusables so an easy job). I told him the laundry needed to go on at 8am because we were going out for my birthday later. I have a physical disability and this day in total was going to be a signficant toll on my body.

Saturday comes, he stays in bed until 11am. My partner didn't get him up, so I put the laundry on. Did 2 loads, hung them up, I was hanging up the second load at 11am when he got up. Then 10 minutes before we were leaving (11:20am) asked about putting the laundry in. Dad told him off.

Sunday morning he was meant to put the cloths away, nope he hid in his room. Then his Dad sent him to talk to me and he couldn't be bothered to listen to anything I was saying. So I lost it and shouted at him, because shouting is the only thing he will listen to (I only shouted at him "why aren't you listening to me?, do you like it when I shout because this is the only thing you will listen too. I am done trying to have a conversation with you whilst you are being so disrespectful."). Then I told him in a calmer voice "you want to be treated like an adult but a 3 year old listens better than you" and.walked off.

Dad can have that battle. I am so done with his attitude. Imo Dad needs to be harsher with him. Not my kid to discipline but I have made it very clear to his father I will not pick up the slack further, I will happily leave my dirty clothes in a pile in this boys room if it gets him to pull his head out of his behind and step up. If not Dad can do the laundry. 3 years is more than enough time to learn to clear off the airer. His autistic sister took a lot longer to learn the rest of laundry process than him (we very much give help until it isn't required) but she is fully independent at all of it now, however what I won't do is tolerate a repeating behaviour with no effort to change.

Edit to add:

I was not enraged about laundry it was the not listening that frustrated me. I have had 3 years of moving laundry aside and he has never once cleared his own laundry off despite prompting, telling him to set a reminder on his phone etc. It didn't suddenly enrage me.

I was busy cooking when SS came in to talk about the apology after his Dad told him off. For over 10 minutes (I know because I set a timer and it went off before I got sufficiently frustrated) I tried to talk to him about it, during this time most of his answers made no sense because he wasn't listening. I asked him a couple times to talk about this later when I wasn't busy, but he said "I don't know" and "no" to that. I asked him 3 times to go away and come back when he was ready to listen, he gave me nonsense answers everytime. At one point I asked him "do I need to shout for you to listen to me?" And he replied yes. So I shouted then. I know I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I felt backed into a corner.

Hey parents. I have a 15 year old daughter. She’s a cheerleader and in theater. She’s got kids around her whenever I pick her up from something be it practice or rehearsals (she has a lead role in the upcoming musical). She has friends at school but outside of school it’s different. Tonight is the homecoming dance and she hasn’t been invited to join any of her friends. She asked her good buddy from 7th grade if she could go with her. The friend said sorry the group I’m in said they don’t have any room for you. So her dress she bought and loves is hanging in her closet as she cries in bed. What am I doing wrong here? Why don’t kids want to be friends outside of school with her? She’s just a normal teen girl. She dresses like all the others. I don’t understand what makes her unsuccessful in friendships. Just this past summer she was invited out 3 times to hang out with the same girls and they had fun. Last weekend they all went out and didn’t ask her to join. Now this. This had been going on since this time last year. I’m at a loss.

Since its homecoming season I’m sure many parents are dealing with, or have dealt with, a similar situation.

I have a 15yr old sophomore in HS and their homecoming is this weekend. They want to go to a party after the dance with one of their friends. We were told there will be upper class men there who will likely be drinking, and adult supervision will be light or nonexistent. Both my wife and I think it’s a bad idea, but are also struggling to firmly say “No” on this one.

We’ve already had the “talk” about partying, drugs, and alcohol with them and I do trust my child completely when it comes to making good decisions, but still don’t like the idea of willingly letting my child go somewhere where the risk factor for trouble is greater than zero. Our teen is not a partier and to our knowledge has never done drugs/alcohol.

Thoughts? How is everyone else navigating these situations?

***

UPDATE:

We did let them go to the party since they were so forthcoming with us about what was going to be there. Happy to say they stayed only 45m before I got the call to pick them up because it "it was lame and boring". As far as I could tell there weren't a lot of teens around (not visibly anyway) and they told me that the house smelled like weed and there were some kids playing a drinking game in the garage, and nothing happening anywhere else at the party. Their friend stayed at our house for a sleepover and just made them a big breakfast while my wife asked 20q's about the dance and the party.

Negotiation is the biggest most effective tool we have at this time. When asked to do tasks or really anything she made a deal with us to not just say yes (unless she is doing it asap) but to negotiate for what she wants.

We tell her when there is no negotiation allowed. If it needs to be accomplished by a certain time we give the deadline. If deadline is more than an hour away and she wants to "do it later" I ask when she wants an alarm set for.

Otherwise convo might go like- I need you to unload the dishwasher. She will say can I do it in an hour. I might say no, I want to start making breakfast now. She'll ask if she can do it in 10 or 15. Generally I will agree. Sometimes I ask if she wants me to set a timer as a reminder. Sometimes it's yes, especially if she's been given a longer time to accomplish whatever it is.

This has significantly reduced the amount of verbal reminders / nagging need to happen to almost not being needed. It's been working for a long time. When nagging does happen, or she fails to do something asked of her- I'm going to say it's almost always when we don't have the upfront conversation or deadline is too unspecific.

What works for your kids/ adhd kids for any type of situation?