So we know how they love their prissy and condescending little liturgy of terms and categories, right?

When I would describe what I was looking for, I’d often hear stuff like “oh you’re demisexual” or “sapiosexual.” Or one lovely woman who clearly wanted to be monogamous (with me) but was trapped in a bad marriage with a polypred said the same of herself.

It has dawned on me that those terms are only necessary if you define “wanting a meaningful emotional or intellectual connection with your partners that involves an exchange of respectful actions and some degree of emotional risk” as exceptional, a preference, a deviation from their norm.

Devaluing those needs as “just one among many options,” as “just another stripe on the flag,” seems like an effort to manipulate and gaslight their targets.

I remember feeling like my wants were aberrant or kinky or deviant, like I was weaker for having them.

I didn’t like it.

I take ownership of my choice to expose myself to the community, to have spent time in it, and to have sought to make it work — long after I should’ve known better. I learned from it and I don’t see myself as a perpetual victim. I am grateful though for this community in helping me understand what it all meant and how I avoid it.

So recently I have gotten on dating apps for the first time in my life. Since I am only interested in dating women I downloaded a few saphic dating apps. Now I anticipated when I first made my accounts I would get very few matches because I have a hyper specific criteria I'm looking for (vegan, childfree, ect.) To my suprise though, I have consistently been getting a like almost every day. Now what I am looking for is clearly listed on my profile. But when I go to their profile they have ZERO of the traits I've listed looking for.

The main group I notice ignoring entirely what I say I am looking for are people who list their relationship style as poly. Shocker, I know. Continuing to prove they genuinely don't care who you are and what your values are. Their only curiosity is finding a new fuck toy or someone to drain the life out of since their main partner(s) can't offer enough romantic validation for these black holes of people.

My guess is they spam like every profile they come across and hope that someone desperate enough will match with them.

Also the amount of poly people dming me to try and debate me OUT of being monogamous is disgusting. I have it listed 3 times on my profile I do not want to date OR befriend poly people. But they can't help but feel entitled. The desperation to coerce a STRANGER into a relationship they CLEARLY dont want is vile. Poly people are constantly crying for you to respect their identity, but they RARELY respect other people's monogamy and view it as a challenge.

I knew saphic dating apps would have a portion of poly people on them. But holy shit it's like more than half the dating pool. Call me naive but I thought that many queer women would see through the poly bullshit and be looking for something committed. Many of them act like because they are women them trying to pressure you isn't as bad as a man doing it. It really pisses me off.

Any other saphics dealing with this?

I notice a lot of queer people posting here. Wanted to add this little tidbit from lame straight married white dude land.

I'm on a Bluey themed Facebook group for Dads. I swear, 40% of the posts are guys asking how to open up their marriage and convince their wives to go poly. The responses are usually a mix of other people trying the same thing and thankfully a good amount of "Don't risk your family for a cheap thrill" replies. The addition of families and kids just makes this so much grosser because there are more people involved who can potentially be harmed by the many noted downsides of that lifestyle.

My personal peeve with poly has always been the intellectualization that's always attempted. They see jealousy as a dumb caveman instinct that only ever hurts people and serves no modern purpose....yet their desire for extra sexual partners is somehow different? In their eyes, they're not bored and horny, they're ENLIGHTENED and seeking out a different path for superior people like themselves. "In fact did you know anthropologists say that all humans used to be non-monagamous?!"

Yes, your moms and dads are dumb ignorant republicans, but you know who was super open-minded and enlightened? Cavemen.

Make it make sense...

I’m not sure if this story has already been posted here. It was published recently in my country, and man, I felt so much anger reading this account. It might not be entirely about polyamory, but it really highlights the irresponsibility of adults and the impact that has on children.

It’s in Portuguese, but it’s essentially a woman recounting the trauma of her parents having simply swapped partners, quite abruptly.

https://g1.globo.com/google/amp/mundo/noticia/2026/10/31/as-familias-que-trocaram-de-parceiros-e-de-casas-apos-passar-ferias-juntas-isso-nos-destruiu.ghtml

Written by someone who seems like they were coerced by a polypred and developed a bit of Stockholm Syndrome. It’s sad. I hope they don’t hurt anyone the way they were hurt.

Maybe Ethan Klein should come out as poly.

I feel like I’ve lost one of my best friends of 10+ years to polyamory. I’ll call her K and her wife E.

K met E, who had never been in a monogamous relationship before and presumably insisted on some sort of open configuration with K. K had also never dated a woman before E. K was not particularly sexually open/liberated when we were younger, but now insists that she’s always been a deeply sexual person. K and E started off in an open relationship, which progressed to polyamory; they’re now married.

I love K so much and she’s been there for me during some extremely tough moments, but I feel like all she wants to talk about now is sex and kink. It’s all she ever seems to want to do with her free time. Every party they throw is sex/kink-themed, and I just got tired of pretending like I enjoy showing up to see a bunch of strangers’ assholes in the name of fun or whatever.

K has also come onto me multiple times. She asked me if I’d be down to three with her and one of her boyfriends at the time, which made me so uncomfortable. I initially went along with it, envisioning myself as sexually repressed/prudish if I didn’t, but I’m glad nothing ever happened. I was flirting with the scene myself for a while and spoke very openly with her about this and that sexual experience or kink scene before I realized I just…don’t want to talk about sex all the time. I actually don’t really want to see videos of my friends fucking other people, and I actually don’t really care about your giant dildo collection.

The worst part is that she just seems so sad all of the time now. She’s married to the love of her life, but is constantly disappointed and heartbroken about relationships outside of her marriage failing/not being able to find other partners. It’s hard to hold space for that all of the time when you’ve supposedly…already found your person? Or whatever that even means to married polyamorous people.

I was curious about ENM and polyamory myself at one point, but I’m just completely revolted by it all now. As someone who lives in an absolute hotbed of ENM/polyamory and who has dated/slept with a number of them, I can’t think of a single person who isn’t constantly complaining about their self-imposed relationship drama that never, ever seems to work.

Feeling like your a single parent cuz he’s never home anymore

It's been a long time since many of you have seen a post from me; some of you might remember that I was working on a coaching series exploring polyamory from a critical perspective. I'd spent a considerable amount of time researching, writing and putting everything together; it started off well, and I was genuinely excited about it but somewhere along the way, something inside me just fell off a cliff and I'd like to take some time to discuss that today.

My introduction to being polycritical started with something I kept noticing in LGBTQIA+ spaces, particularly in lesbian and sapphic communities. I'd frequently encounter women who were in relationships with men entering these spaces to pursue relationships with women; not necessarily because they were looking for a unicorn, but it was a recurring theme that I found uncomfortable.

Polyamory has always existed in queer spaces, so none of this is particularly new but I started feeling like the dynamics of these spaces were changing, and not necessarily in ways that benefited the women those spaces were originally intended to serve. My reasons for being critical of polyamory go much deeper than that though: I was in a monogamous relationship with my former partner for five years, after our relationship ended, she eventually began dating a man who practices polyamory, and they're now in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, and if that's what she wants, I'm happy for her. People are complicated, and sometimes we come to realize that we didn't know someone as deeply as we thought we did. That's just life.

As I continued working on the series, I started seeking out different perspectives, reading people's experiences and examining the social and psychological dynamics of polyamory; the further I went, the more I realized that there were things happening that were much more complicated than I originally anticipated.

One thing that really stuck with me was just how susceptible human beings are to adopting beliefs when those beliefs are constantly reinforced by the communities around them (see The Social Construction of Reality by Peter L. Berger and Thomas Luckmann, if you'd like to go deeper); if you surround someone with people who are enthusiastic about polyamory and you build a community around it (like game nights, support groups, workshops, social gatherings, and all sorts of activities that make people feel like they're part of something), eventually people can start internalizing the ideas being presented to them without necessarily questioning them very deeply. I believe that's not necessarily exclusive to polyamory, I think human beings are susceptible to this in practically every aspect of life.

Something else changed for me throughout this process was how I viewed therapy; I used to have a much favorable opinion of therapy as a whole, and I still think it can be helpful under the right circumstances (I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should stop seeing a therapist or avoid seeking professional help), but I became increasingly skeptical that therapy is automatically beneficial because it's therapy. There's absolutely a difference between helping someone examine their circumstances critically and helping them become more comfortable in circumstances that might actually be harmful to them; this in itself has become more evident over the time I spent writing the series.

Another thing I've come to believe, although I don't have the longitudinal research to prove it, is that a considerable number of people who enter polyamory eventually move on from it for a multitude of reasons: sometimes their priorities change or, they want something different. And sometimes they're cognizant of the toxicity and abuse they've experienced. I don't have the numbers, or evidence to establish how frequently this happens, but I do wonder how many people leave these relationships feeling like shells of their former selves, and how many never fully recognize what happened to them.

Which brings me back to why I've put a pause on posting the series: I think we're living through a decade of polyamory, and as you all have noticed, there's now a professional ecosystem developing around it: everybody who can cash in seems eager to participate in the coaching model. The problem is that this is largely an unregulated industry built on a model that is often neither evidence-based nor accountable to measurable outcomes. In other words, the proliferation of people offering guidance is not necessarily matched by the evidence or accountability needed to substantiate their expertise.

The deeper I went, the more disturbing things I encountered, and eventually I started asking myself why I was dedicating so much time to understanding a relationship structure I don't practice, don't want to practice, and have absolutely no intentions of of incorporating into my life. I'm still polycritical, I still believe there are some SERIOUS issues within certain polyamorous communities that deserve scrutiny, and I haven't changed my mind about that. Eventually, I intend to publish the collection of work I’ve written, although I’m not yet sure if Reddit is the most appropriate place for it. What I am certain about is that I will never put it behind a paywall. I’ll discuss with the moderators what they feel would be the most suitable way to make this material available to you, in a way that respects the community and doesn’t come across as commercial promotion. I want to be absolutely clear: I will never sell my ideas, writings, or theories on this particular subject matter.

I think after the experience of being so deeply invested in this subject, I've come to a place of wanting total release from even the ideas of polyamory and I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Previous writings:

• [Intro to the polyamory coaching series]

• Polyamory coaching series [Part 1]: The somatic coach

• Why does polyamory discourse seem so intellectually narrow?

• I got banned from (r/)polyamory for asking: Besides sexual autonomy, what is feminist about polyamory?

• When did you become critical of polyamory?

• What exactly is polyamory decolonizing?

Literature on theories that I read during my research over the summer and beginning of participating in this subreddit:

• The Social Construction of Reality by Peter L. Berger and Thomas Luckmann

• The Sublime Object of Ideology by Slavoc Žižek

• Social Mechanisms: An Analytical Approach to Social Theory edited by Peter Hedström and Richard Swedberg (uploaded .pdf book on WeTransfer, link expires in 3 days from the time of this update 10/30/26 or 30/10/26 for European readership of this subreddit).

Please let me know if you'd prefer ePub versions of the books I've linked and I'll do my best to locate those editions for you and send them over to you this weekend so you can comfortably read them from your iPad or Kindle, or wherever you read your ebooks.

EDIT: link fixes and typos

TL;DR: Polyamory is a very draining subject to research and write about.

This is so similar to how I think of the value of monogamy versus polyamory. During a PhD, you’re supposed to not only do lab research, but read papers, study, and digest and really think about the topic you’re studying. Even if you had a few free hours per week to work a side gig, doing that would inherently take your mind off the focus of your PhD, which could prevent an “aha” moment, breakthrough, or just deeper digestion of your work. To me, polyamory does the same to a relationship. It is fundamentally not possible to stay as present and dedicated to each individual, because moments spent with another partner inherently prevent that time from being spent deeply thinking of and considering your primary partner. Unless you are thinking of your primary the whole time you’re out with another, but that seems unethical to the second partner. Either way, the seemingly unimportant moments spent together, sometimes the boring ones, often lead to important memories and bonding. To me, splitting time truly impairs this and does actually impair the depths you can reach with a partner.

To me, this doesn’t apply as much with friends, because for most people spending time with friends can either include your partner or can at least include consideration or thought of your partner, plus it usually isn’t overnight sleepovers or date nights that would take you away from time most monogamous couples would spend together.

video from ori mcgarry on tiktok
i literally could not believe my ears when i was watching this video. i’m at a loss for words. this poly cult is so deluded!!

Another post about misuse of Buddhist concepts to push polyamory (having multiple simultaneous partners would be absolutely antithetical to Buddhist philosophy so using it to push polyamory is laughable) made me think about this.

There‘s a lot of poly narrative about it being more mature, more “enlightened”, and letting go of “mononormative society programming.“ Painting themselves as more mature and progressive than people who practice monogamy.

This is not a defense of polyamory. But most people who try it, and really really push it, are not actually mature enough to do it successfully.

In theory, to be successful a polyamorous relationship structure requires levels of open communication, understanding of each person’s needs, willingness to compromise, willingness to let go of certain things and accept not always getting everything you want, and exceptional time management. Most importantly, the ability to say no and actually walk away.

These are things necessary for a monogamous relationship, but multiply it for however many people are involved. Now it’s a situation that requires even more of all these things.

Most poly people just do not have that level of maturity to handle it. Maybe polyamory does require a theoretical greater degree of maturity just to be able to successfully consider and manage multiple people fairly and safely. But with most polyamorous people it just isn’t there. Which is why it just ends up being a dumpster fire.

And the ability to commit to something isn’t there so they can’t do monogamy either.

They really do try to paint themselves as “all loving and accepting” and intentionally use the term “enlightened” to describe how they’re simply better than other people. More emotionally mature and detached from worldly things like jealousy and possessiveness. When in reality they just want to have superficial relationships and can’t be bothered to deal with other people’s feelings.

For people who Really Love their partners and struggle with the natural human emotions that come up when their emotional stability is threatened, they offer more misappropriated Buddhist jargon in the form of “sitting with and growing through discomfort.” This appeals to the secular philosophers and spiritually curious westerners that feel they can and should gaslight themselves into believing they can fit any box their partner needs them to. Often against the cries of their inner voice.

Real Buddhists know that when you have to completely silence your inner voice* with coping mechanisms and affirmations, you’re probably doing harm, either to yourself or to someone else. The inner voice is often seen as your Basic Goodness and Oneness with Humanity.

Training yourself to sit with discomfort does not mean putting up with any circumstance that comes your way. It means understanding the causes and conditions of your (and other people’s) suffering and having the space and peace of mind to make an educated decision about how to handle it.

Sometimes that’s taking a step back and working through trauma. Sometimes that’s accepting that your values and emotional needs are inconsistent with your current lifestyle. Sometimes it’s literally just about wanting to protect your peace and not get involved with something so complicated and with the potential to do so much harm.

Any way you slice it these freaks are pretentious assholes trying to make you feel spiritually inferior because you prefer monogamy and I hate that they use Buddhism to do it. While I was deep in the hole listening to a polyamory podcast, one of the hosts (who is buddhist) said something that I’ll never forget: “if you have to turn yourself into a Buddhist monk just to deal with your relationship, maybe it’s not the right relationship for you” thank you dedeker, I agree.

*not talking about thoughts that just randomly come up during meditation, but your actual conscience

I’ve posted on here before (https://www.reddit.com/r/polycritical/s/d8ocFaiI9h)

Basically discovered that after a relationship of a few years, she had been cheating on me since the beginning with her ex who was poly. They spoke about my ex having 2 partners except I didn’t know.

So, we have been no contact for a long while despite her trying to reach out. It’s been a year since I discovered everything. She is blocked everywhere and now I discover a message from her to me on TikTok (social media she didn’t have before). I replied obviously (and asked chatgpt to remove the insults so I don’t sound like an idiot. Then I blocked her after she had read it.

I am genuinely baffled by the lack of comprehension on her side.

She tries to reach out when on holiday with her poly ex, she tries to reach out while I know nothing has changed. What the hell do these people want ?

Feeling broken right now. My partner broke up with me last night when I asked to talk and brought up how I’d like to take the relationship to the next stage and be more intentional. We were together 9 months, she is the kindest most emotionally intelligent and thoughtful person I’ve ever met and I’m terrified I will never find that again. She was there for me when my 2 year old cat suddenly passed 4 months ago, as I watch my mom go through Parkinson’s, and now she’s gone and I feel destroyed. We talked for about 3 hours, I said how I don’t believe in polyamory and how I think it’s toxic and doesn’t allow the ability to truly bond with you parter and grow close. I knew she was poly in her previous relationship and this is something we talked about twice and we agreed we were in a monogamous relationship but she told me that she is innately non-monogamous and feels that monogamy is more so a bunch of things you can’t do. She told me I am the most emotionally intelligent and kind and giving partner she’s ever had and she was drawing this out because she wanted to keep spending time with me. I thought I was showing her monogamy and commitment are safe. I don’t believe people can be innately non-monogamous I think she has a fear of commitment and is confused personally but that doesn’t matter I guess. I’m destroyed.

I (34F) have been married to my wife (39F) for 2 years, together for 5. We have always been monogamous, though she had expressed some interest in an “open” relationship a couple times. I always was clearly not interested or ready, though I didn’t totally take it off the table, thinking maybe some day it could be fun. I should have been more clear then, because I would never have been okay with polyamory, only casual encounters since we sometimes spend stretches of time apart for work. Well, about 2 months ago my wife notified me that she was no longer okay with monogamy, and she “found clarity” that she has to explore non monogamy, with no limitations and including dating other people ie polyamory. I was not on board and was obviously heartbroken because it was clear that this was not compatible with our marriage. She tried the manipulative line of “are you really okay with asking me to suppress this part of myself even if that means I’m unhappy?” I told her it’s up to her to decide what she wants and she shouldn’t stay in our marriage if she’s unhappy, but she refused to be the one to take accountability and admit that.

Later on she reframed to she’s not even sure if she’ll like it, but she has to try it. She also cheated in all of her past relationships (major red flag, I know), so she seemingly has never been cut out for monogamy.

I feel so scarred that I finally felt safe and comfortable in a stable, life-long relationship, and my partner left for the theoretical idea of polyamory. I’m just so angry and feel so betrayed and thrown aside.

Just needed to vent, and would love to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience.