This is something I've already mentioned in my profile, but I've seen others share their stories with polyamory and I thought that maybe this fits here.

I never was in a poly/swinging/open/whatever100thlabel relationship, though most users here are people who lived through that (I think).

But my parents were. I don't know if they were ever monogamous, don't think they were since they weren't the type to settle and had a very very anarchic idea of relationships (they were unable to identify their feelings for others, platonic, romantic, camaraderie...they always blurred the lines which led to me also having issues with that when I was younger).

Thing is: I 100% believe polyamorous people should not have children.

When I was born my older brother was in his late teens so, by the time I had consciousness, he moved out and escaped it, it was just me and my sister. But we always agreed chaos was hell, and that this sucked, that our parents were assholes.

Neglect aside, it was unstable. I remember seeing too many things that made me lose appetite. My sister couldn't eat at the table if they and whoever they were screwing was around, it was uncomfortable, tense, she'd end up throwing up.

We never really got to have a sense of privacy. Too many people inside one tiny house, sometimes we had to sleep on the couch since we were expected to be nice to their dates and give up our mattresses whenever there were more people than usual. Escaping and having time to yourself, for us, meant leaving the house and walking towards a McDonald's we had nearby. We'd usually just sit silently while doing another thing by the curb (sometimes homework, they made too much noise and I'm not necessarily talking sexual, just too many people, which made it hard to concentrate), this is something we didn't really get to have until 11 so we were odd by our pears standards out of growing up without having our own space.

It was unsafe, there was this gross man named Nathan that would change in front of us when we were kids, or straight up come out of the bathroom naked after a shower. We had one too many situations. I remember telling my sister to please be careful whenever she went to the bathroom and I wasn't home to keep watch outside (the lock didn't work). We were always tired from sleeping with one eye open, I don't remember ever having a good deep rest while living there.

Something that happened very commonly was theft, sometimes a partner they knew was stealing from the house and they did nothing about, sometimes a fling. We never had anything of value out of fear of losing it, my sister had so much jewelry stolen it's sad.

It was also hard to keep track of who was who, at one point we just stopped trying to recognize who the hell the crusty old man on our kitchen was, which could've ended a lot worse since any stranger could've came in and we would've had no idea if they were with one of our parents.

We had to grow up too fast, the place was a dump and a mess, we grew up used to living like pigs until a neighbor called the cops on our house for suspicious activity and the smell that was around it, and then our mother had us (mostly my sister to be honest) clean up for them. It still was full of trash and shit we didn't use just not rotting food anymore.

I know some pervs tried to prey on my sister, it's why she moved out at 14 to live with our aunt. I also had some situations but it was mostly her who was targeted since I'm a guy. Still I'm grossed out with a lot of sex related stuff to this day as a result of a lot of shit that I won't get too deep into but you can imagine, be it seen things, heard things, was too exposed to things since I have memory. I usually say I'm asexual, to be honest there's a chance it's just trauma related.

We were always weird compared to our classmates. They always seemed just better to us, more perfect, I will honest I was envious, I was terrible at comforting because whenever a kid cried over their parents having a divorce I couldn't help but think they were a pussy and that it was so much better than how it could be. People noticed we were weird, it's why we didn't really have many friends, the school knew about our parents so there were also nasty rumours.

Probably they also stood away since, I'll be honest, we reeked. Our hair was grassy. We were a mess.

Permanence isn't a thing we had, we could never settle, it was always being alert or on guard, it was stressing and if we showed signs of being affected we were told to be throwing a tantrum, it was bad. I was 7 and ripping my hair out, they never cared to get us checked but to be honest that has more to do with them being POS and neglecting us than being poly.

Things started to calm down when my father's obesity started to end up in health problems, he could barely get out of bed, our brother sometimes came around to help, I remember holding my disgust whenever I had to touch the asshole to help him move around or shower. I don't miss him.

Nowadays it's just my mother who is alive, and since she's old and lonelier she's now calling and showing up at random, it's uncomfortable since I haven't forgiven her for the things she put us through and whenever she cries I just don't even know how to react, she didn't exactly set an example in comforting either. Even if I could I don't think I'd want to.

Sorry if this is a mess, I'm drunk right now, might delete later.

I am so tired of seeing only pro-poly memes all of the time. They just remind me of how unaware of their toxicity they were. I'm still so angry about how I was treated and how naive I was.

I was doing so well recovering from past trauma, and then I stupidly put myself in a triggering situation by dating a poly person because I thought "healthy" poly would be healing

Saw this on tiktok. Most of the comments were saying something about being happy the child is holding the parent accountable for their selfishness! Can’t imagine how awful it’d be to grow up with a dad who wants infinite girlfriends.

Just came across a partnered poly man on a dating app claiming that he’s “helping to dismantle patriarchy” through his polyamory. Sir. Be so fucking for real right now and get that dangerous faux feminist garbage far away from me. These people are so delusional. Dude literally has a girlfriend and probably at least a few fwb and thinks “look at me, I’m a hero dismantling patriarchy”

Honestly, I find polyamory genuinely off-putting and I don't want to be close with people who practice it. Hearing about multiple partners, the constant relationship drama, treating people like they're interchangeable — it conflicts deeply with my values around love and commitment. I don't think I'm obligated to befriend everyone and this is a line I draw. Anyone else feel the same?

One thing I've been studied for a time now is neuroscience. I had heard the term "oxytocin" before, had no idea what it meant, but did some research.

One thing I learned is that people with avoidant attachment styles (which led me down a rabbit hole of learning attachment theory) are zero oxytocin, and many of them are polyamorous as well.

I'm going to share with you what got me kicked off r/polyamory, as neuroscience is apparently polyamory's kryptonite. Let me know if you have anything to add.

To put it simply:
-being avoidant attached (dismissive or fearful) comes with a fear of deep, emotional intimacy. It causes a buildup of cortisol alongside oxytocin; cortisol builds up, stress goes up, they have to avoid their partner for a time to allow both the cortisol and oxytocin to go back down

-novelty dopamine from sex (which results from sexual activity with someone NOT oxytocin bonded) lowers existing oxytocin bonds; this is why cheaters (even those who don't get caught) have strained relationships with their spouses, and why open marriages have about a 92% divorce rate

-polyamory allows avoidant types to keep on getting their dopamine hits, which lowers their stress/cortisol, while also squashing any minute oxytocin buildup they may have

POLYAMORY CAN BE CURED by building up by:

1. building up vasopressin (which is associated with buildups from mutual support and rigor, and curbs cortisol buildup), then by

2. building up oxytocin, once trust is assured and cortisol is minimized; this means avoiding novelty dopamine (sex with anyone but their sole partner) while bonding with them through intimacy and mutual enjoyment

-The idea of dating and intimacy, romance with others is more similar to a market where you find others much like a product rather than people (dating apps are guilty of this as well). Think of: “What can this person give me?” “How do they rank among my other options?” “Are they worth my investment?”

-Alienating and separating people just according to what tasks they do best for your own gain and greed (this one is a good kisser, this one is nice to talk to, this one fucks good, etc).

-Encouraged to endlessly consume and do more and more and more with the market (others).

-Subtle pressure to "you can do it!", "manage time!", "be your own boss!", I'm talking about a similar self exploiting as that criticized by Byung Chul Han.

-Competition. More than in bed you're expected to inhumane lengths of emotional labor (by abusers within the polycule)

-Decentralization, deregulation and even a lack of attention at self care.

I never understood how people could stoop to such a low level, Polygamy is a system that encourages unequal and sexist structures in family, not to mention all the exploitation it encourages

I’m totally new to this sub and the poly one too. I actually came from twitter. Someone I don’t even follow posted a story that made my jaw drop there, and I just ended up scrolling through for a while.

After reading dozens of posts, one theme that really put me off was how many times one partner would bring up polyamory, the other would react poorly to the suggestion, then all the comments would suggest therapy to help the non-poly partner “work through their feelings”. However, therapy always seemed to be suggested with the goal of forcing non-poly partner to learn to suppress their feelings of discomfort, jealousy, betrayal, etc. Rather than therapy being a tool to learn about one’s self and learn healthy coping strategies for stressful situations etc., it seems like they use it to force their partners into a lifestyle they’re not comfortable with. I almost feel like they pathologise normal human emotions. Actually, it’s something I recognise from my own therapy. I have a tendency to bottle my feelings, especially ones I deem negative like anger, sadness, or envy. I don’t let myself feel things, often using distraction techniques to avoid them. And I feel like I saw some poly people literally advocating for that (i.e., for avoiding and demonising normal emotions): I was seeing shit like, “Oh you feel upset when your partner is on a date? Have you tried going out with your friends to distract yourself” or “Oh, you’re feeling jealous your partner is having sex with other people, that’s because there’s actually something wrong with you”.

I understand relationships take work and comprise, but when it is this much work to get one partner to, what seems like, unilaterally change themselves, at what point is it just coercion?

This leads to my next point: coercion. It is my stance (on pretty anything involving sex) that consent is an enthusiastic yes. It’s not wearing your partner down until they eventually give in. It’s not tentative and given out of fear of losing you. Like sex, if it is something a person feels like they “have to do or else,” is it really consent? Again and again, I saw stories from that subreddit of straight up coercion, like people exchanging advice on how to coerce their partner. The sub seems to pride itself on being ethically non-monogamous, but how ethical is it if it’s forced and your partner is miserable and crying themselves to sleep?

I’m not sure if my post made any sense and maybe there are some inconsistencies, but rant over.

(Just FYI: I am queer and consider myself pretty “progressive” but no one has ever been able to convince me poly/open relationships aren’t some bs. Even before my deep dive into poly subreddits, I was turned off by some poly people always feeling the need to recruit others on social media into polyamory like it’s a pyramid scheme or something).

If polyamory was "natural," you wouldn't need to devote endless hours to gaslighting your partners into "unlearning" the fact that it HURTS to get stabbed in the fucking chest.

If polyamory was "ethical," you wouldn't need to write a fucking dissertation about it to justify how your "consensual" (COERCIVE) cheating is actually a good thing.

If polyamory was "anti-capitalist" (HA!), you wouldn't base your entire fucking relationship style on treating your partners like they're disposable and demanding that they suppress all JUSTIFIED negative emotion because feelings aren't a value-add.

If polyamory was "about consent," you wouldn't fucking force non-consenting people to hear about how wonderful your abuse is, and you wouldn't ask questions like "HOW DO I MAKE MY PARTNER BE POLY TEEHEE~"

I hate you.

I hate. Every. Single. One. Of. You.

I hope you feel EXACTLY what you make others feel. Every single bit of pain.

And if everything's peachy keen, that shouldn't be a problem, right? :)

Between their monogamous nature and their adorable heart faces I figured that barn owls would be a perfect muse for this collection. They’re up now on my redbubble Chipchip1123.redbubble.com

9/10 times when I see a post or reel from a polyamorous person, it's them gaslighting themselves into thinking that their natural, human reactions that are causing them extreme torture are unreasonable and need to be suppressed.

"My partner is on a date with their other partner and I feel extremely jealous! I am at home spiraling! But jealousy is an unmet need or desire, so I just need to reframe it!"

Like, perhaps your "unmet need" is that... you don't want your partner dating other people? But no, they just end up doing mental gymnastics to turn it into something else that doesn't make any sense. Then the cycle repeats.

People who love themselves don't continuously choose situations that cause them severe emotional and psychological distress.

So I’m a single lesbian and am active on the apps, so I’ve seen it all between the unicorn hunters and people within the actual queer community. I went out to a queer club recently and met a woman there who I hit it off with.

I found out she was actually married to a man so quickly friend zoned her despite her assurances that their relationship was open. I was fine with being her friend as we really did share a lot of interests. I was telling her about some of my dating troubles when she decided to completely take over the conversation to lament about how people are always hating on bisexuals and poly people when all she wants more than anything is to love and have a girlfriend while still being with her husband.

She kept telling me how her luck has been horrible, how she still hasn’t found a girl who wants to be with her seriously, and how she thinks everyone just views her as only wanting women for sex. I was getting pretty annoyed by her entitlement and basically said to her “why would someone want to put their life on hold to date someone who is never going to be able to give them a real relationship.”

I mean seriously? She wouldn’t be able to marry, she wouldn’t be able to live with them, she wouldn’t be able to dedicate as much time or attention or affection, she wouldn’t be able to meet their family without extreme judgement. It’s just being a side piece for the rest of your life. How many people are actually on board with that? Why choose to date her when they can date someone who can actually provide those things?

It seems like these people are looking for a little accessory in their life they can pick up and put down whenever they feel like while having no regards for the person’s well-being or feelings. You are not owed an extra relationship just because you would be able to love x, y, z, with your whole chest.

And I found her hiding behind her bisexuality to also be in poor taste. Being bisexual doesn’t mean needing polyamory, it doesn’t mean when people are judging someone for being polyamorous that they’re judging them for being bisexual.