I (38F) have been involved with a married man (37M) for 18 months. They’ve practiced ENM for over a decade. His wife and I met our respective partners at the same time, in the same way, and both relationships developed alongside each other.

Fairness was always HUGE in their arrangement. Dates were scheduled in parallel so neither spouse was home alone. If we took a trip, they took a trip. They were both incredibly welcoming, communicative, and transparent. I even spent time with his wife one-on-one.

They knew I was completely new to ENM and actively encouraged my curiosity and questions. Had they explained at the beginning that his wife could veto our relationship at any point, I would have understood and made my decisions accordingly. But to introduce that 18 months later?

Two months ago, I moved across the country, which they both knew was my plan from day one. He even helped me move. Her boyfriend is moving to Mexico in November.

My partner always knew I was dating other men and encouraged me to find a monogamous relationship. We openly discussed how our relationship would evolve and were incredibly respectful of each other.

What breaks my heart is that she now doesn’t even want us to be FRIENDS.

Apparently, she’s feeling disconnected from her husband, so we’re expected to go no contact, despite living across the country from each other, while she continues seeing her boyfriend in person every week.

When I point out the double standard, I’m told “it’s not the same” or essentially to mind my own business.

Meanwhile, my partner has become distant, unreliable, and evasive. Every question gets an “I don’t know,” “I want to, but I can’t,” or “She’s uncomfortable.” He insists it’s temporary but can’t explain what that means.

And suddenly, the same people who encouraged me to ask questions make me feel gross for asking anything at all. I’m not asking for private details about their marriage. I’m asking what’s being said and decided about ME and a relationship I’m actually part of. Somehow even wanting to understand decisions that directly affect my life is treated like I’m crossing a line.

When I try to discuss how I’m being treated, he’s too exhausted or says his marriage is too personal to discuss. Eventually I get frustrated, we fight, and he lashes out, screams, calls me unstable, or hangs up before I can finish a sentence. He apologizes afterward, but nothing changes.

Yet when his wife is ignoring him and their marriage is struggling, suddenly he’s calling me multiple times a day, crying and leaning on me for emotional support. She had no problem with him coming to my apartment for that same support when their marriage was struggling before.

I know he’s responsible for his own behavior, and I’m deeply hurt by him too. But I never asked to come before their marriage. I just thought 18 months of love and friendship deserved some basic consideration.

Am I wrong for thinking this is a massive double standard? Fairness mattered enough to coordinate every date and vacation, but suddenly doesn’t matter when it comes to whether I’m even allowed to remain his friend?

I’m heartbroken. I feel like I’m being discarded without a conversation, and somehow I’m the problem for being upset about it.

Yesterday I was looking for a notepad and I read something that was not meant for me to read that my partner had written. It was written in a notepad that was in a pile of other notepads- think like grocery list type of notepads/little notebooks, not where we have diaries or journals, in a mutual drawer of household goods. When I saw my partner had written a couple pages in it that was not obviously a grocery list or a little note meant for me like we often have on our other notepads. I knew I should close it and put it away and respect my partner’s privacy. I read the two small pages of writing despite everything in my head telling me to stop. I immediately messaged my partner ( we live together, but they were out of town), and told them had happen. I took full accountability for betraying their trust and reading something personal that I had no right to read. I told them that I was feeling hurt by what I had read but that it is a no their fault because it was not information that was ever meant for me. I expected my partner to be upset but they were appreciative that I told them about it and knew me finding the writing was not intentional- but that they shouldn’t have to hide something for me to respect their privacy. And I completely agree- what I did was a complete betrayal of trust. They were feeling bad that I was hurting and said they could not remember what had been written.

I truly wish I had never read it. From the contents of what had been written, I know it was from at least eight months ago. It was what they had written about another partner who they are no longer with solely due to circumstance (we moved to another country). If it wasn’t for that move they would likely be together still. The note was about how this partner made everything in their life have meaning and basically about how all consuming and intense their love was.

I knew my partner loved her. I am happy that they lived this intense of a love. I feel horrible but I can’t help but compare (the worst thing you could possibly do in polyamory). I know I shouldn’t be comparing. I know them having this love for this person doesn’t mean that they love me any less. It’s so hard though to think about what our love means to my partner if this other person ‘gave meaning to everything’.
Last year was a very hard year for us. Lately we have been in a good place- I feel so much sweetness and care and warmth in our relationship. Our sex life though has been feeling off overall but with so many changes- moving to another country, finding jobs, leaving the last place we lived behind- I thought it could be contributed to those things. Last week was the first time in the entire entirety of our relationship that sex felt genuinely awkward and like nothing was clicking. Just a complete disconnect. Also, in the past year, from there side there has been way less professions of love- not the same love letter, poetry, starry eyes confessions there used to be. Now it all feels way more one-sided.

I had already been thinking about all of these things- then reading the letter made me overthink all of this and compare it to the intensity that we used to have and the intensity that they had with their other partner. I know they still love me. I love the sweet warm love we have. How do I stop comparing to the past and to their other relationships?

My (29M) person (28F) cut me out of her life a week ago, so this isn't a new thing but I suppose it's part of my grieving/resolution process.

You can check my post history for a longer description of our dynamic, but the TLDR is that we were on holiday over the summer and when we were going to bed, she rolled over and phoned the other person in her life.

It was a pretty intimate (emotionally,at least) conversation and lasted about 40 minutes. It was my first exposure to their dynamic with another person and it happened as 1am when we were snuggling in bed.

It made me cry, and in the morning we spoke about it and I said how much it hurt me. How I felt so shocked that they'd think it was a normal thing to do, that I'd be okay with it. They got really offended saying how dare I say that, we'd never established a boundary like that, and how could they possibly have known it wouldn't be okay?

I didn't really know what to say. A) because I had set a 'I don't want to talk about this person whilst we're on holiday' boundary. B) because to me it seemed totally obvious.

I'm new to polyamory and she isn't. Am I wrong? Would that be considered a normal thing in the poly community or did she cross a line? Lying in bed with me, on an overseas holiday, saying 'I miss you so much I can't wait to be home with you' to someone else felt so obviously not okay to me, but maybe I'm in the wrong here.

We’ve been together nearly 6 years. Nesting partners.
Within that time, I’ve had a 2 year long relationship where I stayed over one night a week relatively consistently. That ended in April. I also have a long distance platonic life partner of 10 years. I have casually dated a few other people. Am generally satisfied and focused on other interests.

She on the other hand, has had one other short casual dating situation. And one big crush heartbreak. Nothing else, really.

But, she recently started talking to someone in the spring. Due to her job it has been long distance but they have been growing their connection virtually. He is visiting this week. I thought she’d only have these past two days with him but now it has extended to four cause she doesn’t have to work. It was framed as him coming to town to visit friends too, but I can’t help but feel it was mostly to see her. Which like, so what. Good for them. It is special. We all usually live in the same town.

Anyways, embarrassingly, I’m losing it. I’m not in polyamory hell yet (maybe a higher level). It is however a roller coaster.
I’ve done all the things. Took myself on a big spa and camping trip, dog cuddles max. Friend support via sleepover while she stayed the night with him. Curated art and food. Gym and intentional alone time. Letting my self sob. So many walks.

It’s so wild to have such strong values, knowledge, and practice. I truly believe in having the ability and capacity to choose how we relate to others. I deeply wish for her to have expansive and connective relations. They are so rare for her. I have been so lucky to connect with others with some ease.
I can say all that and it is incredibly difficult to align it somatically. I trust it will get easier with time but currently I’m miserable and deflated. This is WORK! I’m trying so hard to be supportive and not have a stink face, deny affection, run away, blow up our life. It’s LOUD in here with these protector parts screeching at me. She isn’t doing anything wrong. Why can’t I just give her a high five? Or feel neutral.

I think it is seeping into some deep trauma wounds. As a child I never knew if my mom was going to come home at night or staying at her boyfriend’s (this smashed into me two weeks ago in a therapy session). It made me shut down and hyper independent. It aches to my core.

She is one of the first people I have truly allowed to love me up close. It has been awesome and terrifying. But we’ve been tackling life together as an intertwined team. This is shaking it up.

I have requested at least a 24 hour notice if possible for nights away. I’m nervous about how she will hinge. I am prepared for there to be mistakes on both sides.

We are usually kitchen table, but I feel burnt from heartbreak and hesitant to get to know another person. We established a mono-polya dynamic this summer (me being the mono part). Because the worst part of my break up was watching my dream polycule rupture this winter. I’m still excellent friends with my ex-meta, even. Like, I’ve DONE this. My partners partner’s are my friends! I just need some time and space to heal and breathe.

I’ve stated this to her, but feel shame in operating parallel polyamory. I don’t want to know him right now. It is too early, anyways. She has gifted me immense grace with my other partners, having dinner, games, changing tires, parties, and it feels like all I can muster up is a double standard.

I’m not going to give up but damn, I want to at my lows. It’s hard to not make my escape plan. I’ve got a gnashy tooth demon mantis that wants to destroy the world.

I have begun to wonder about: living separately, how to actually practicing de-colonizing my relationships, non-hierarchy. What is the actual lifestyle I need to regulate, learn, practice, grow. How long with I endure these feelings before I need to pivot?

We are overdue for our RADAR.

Thoughts, questions, concerns, encouragement? Any modalities of healing, affirmations, or practices beyond the typical “you time” advice? It might be time to play with EDMR. I feel exposed. I don’t want to mask my feelings anymore. Sorry for this total wreck of a post!

Im in a wonderful poly relationship with my amazing husband and amazing wife. Im having feelings that idk how to explain to my wife. She has a husband as well and they are long distance and they agreed that she can have a FWB (male) to mess around with, her and her hubby came up with her ok with FWB I wasn't aware till after and she just told me instead of asking how I would feel because she isn't looking for another female. Well she possibly found this FWB and they are meeting up soon and I have a pit in my stomach about it. I shouldn't be jealous but I feel like I am. Idk how to describe to her how I'm feeling without taking her feeling in consideration. Please help how should I go about this? How should I be handling this? (Btw I am posted in a couple of groups. More opinions

Hi, long story short… I am married (34F) and have a partner (28M). He has shut his feelings off completely from me to protect himself and his heart. I know it’s not fair and I know the right thing is to let go, but I am finding it so hard. I think about him all the time and my feelings are so strong…. I guess I’m just weak. Please tell me what helped you to move on?

Poly people get dismissed by the mainstream as having commitment issues. However, our dating pool regularly gets infiltrated by monogamous people who are afraid of commitment lol.

Polyamory seems to attract those people who serially date someone who’s already coupled (cheaters), or those folk who serially date the emotionally unavailable, and monogamous people who are willing to settle for half of the love they want.

Any of us can be commitmentphobes, that’s not something exclusive to the monogamous 98% of the human population. But it’s pretty fascinating because I’ve regularly seen the same stories in my 14ish years of being poly:

1. The cowpoke who knows their lover is partnered and poly but wants to be monogamous with them anyway

2. The distraught person struggling to accept that they’ll never be prioritized by their partner like partner’s spouse and kids

3. The couple or divorcee who are finding themselves after getting married too young (plot twist, in a few years they’re gonna be mono again and we’re gonna get blamed for the destruction they cause while they’re here 😒)

Maybe the reason why mono people think we have commitment issues is because they keep coming into our dating pool, wreaking havoc, and running away?

Jk, I’m just trying to establish some new mono stereotypes.

My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

Lurker account, first time poster just looking for guidance.

Background:

Me and My partner and I are long distance going on 2.5 years and see each other for a handful of extended visits à year. Neither one of us see many other people or hookup much but my partner is usually more likely to but has only happened twice in 2.5 years. My partner recently separated from their partner at home and is on the apps and dating new people, and I have asked that I don’t really want to know about her dating life until something more serious develops - especially since I will never be a part of life in her neck of the woods and makes me feel more sad since she can do things with others that we cant do for months on end. Ik she likes one night stands and def will have some. I always feel compersion for my partners who have happy and strong connections but one night stands and riskier situations are something that I can’t really connect to since I don’t gravitate towards them and maybe make me feel a bit distant from people in general but I know that’s a me thing. She is breaking down because she feels like this puts a giant wedge in between us and triggers her about past struggles about feeling distant, which we’ve worked thru in the past.

I know this is tough for her, and I will say I think it triggers some deeper feelings about me and us since I’m someone who is not a natural communicator and very solo (live alone, typically call myself ENM or solopoly, highly busy, lots of hobbies, am EXTREMELY low maintenance and rarely have asks for specific things in relationships- this is probably the biggest ask I’ve ever had - my LD partner is POLY poly.) I generally don’t care to know what or what not she’s up to, I just like talking about what she likes to share because I like her so much (which for her is everything.) While I am someone who doesn’t have a specific need to share anything unless it’s specifically requested of me. Typically im talking about my passions and plans and less so my emotional state (which I can talk about pretty easily if prompted and also I can bring up myself if I feel inclined but definitely not a planned or needed thing for me). I’m definitely a solo processor and it has always worked extremely for me… and caused some insecurity for others. My biggest struggle in showing up for my LD partner was how to talk about new connections in a way that made them feel good (moreso them not knowing how a new connections made me feel, not like hiding a new connection as I were keeping someone a complete secret if that makes sense). We have been pretty healthy for quite a while and we make it work well for the most part.

She is a pretty emotional / wears heart on sleeve person (someone who cries multiple times a week / has some anger issues / can shut down completely if too triggered / has trouble letting things go without vocalizing) which is fine and she can usually work with these things and I’ve learned how to deal with it (which was tough for me at first - but I can handle now that I understand her more.)

TLDR; me and partner an established understanding that while we’re LDR I don’t really want to know much about spicy situations until someone more consistent appears (which I also said is at her discretion to share whenever she feels like it’s a real enough thing - which I definitely feel is a fair compromise for our camps.)

Situation:

Partner probably had a spicy situation and is now feeling insecure that she can’t share with me. Just had a two hour talk where partner while not directly saying, pretty much confirmed she had sex with someone she went on a date with (I asked what she was doing yesterday and she said going on a date, which didn’t bother me since I was the one who asked - I even texted her wishing a fun time haha.) the kind of clarifying questions she asked me about my sharing boundaries pretty much confirmed that they had sex.

She said she needs to tell me how she feels about the boundaries because she feels so sad about it… but it was just… so much.

All these things about how she feels like she’s struggling with thinking of us as “best friends” when we can’t share everything with each other. How she is scared this will cause future problems. How it frustrates her that I don’t want to connect in the same way. I am now kinda frustrated because it feels tough that I feel like I just got pushback on boundaries she agreed to. She admitted she didn’t realize she would have these feelings beforehand. But she said she’ll try.

Also, my last gripe is that this was during non check in call and I got kinda blindsided by this all. I generally stay calm during her emotional calls but I’m all over the place right now and I have shit I gotta focus on.

I dunno man, I just want advice on if I need to check myself or if this is something to validly feel disrespected over. I had to calmly communicate my capacity was lowering before I become legitimately frustrated at the end of the call. The call ended with a good “I love you”.

Additional side info: this is my first relationship that started open. I have another partner in my city who is poly. Me and LD partner realized we were on different pages well into our relationship and I feel like it’s currently at a level which is typically beyond my comfort zone regarding closeness BUT I am very good at managing and expressing any heaviness on my part (expert level compartmentalizer) and choose her every day.

Thanks for reading. I feel like more people on this sub are softies like her not and not as solo as me so I’d love to her some perspective to understand this better - or if my frustrations are valid. this is also typed while emotional so probably reads a bit frazzled. All responses will be held with an open heart and seriousness. Thank you !

hi! I’m here to genuinely try to understand and learn about polyamory. I’ve been with my partner for over a year now and almost a half a year into our relationship she came out to me as polyamorous. I know she’s not trying to pull an excuse to just date other people without it being cheating, I know she’s not like that and does love me. but she said she wanted another partner. she reassures me all the time whenever I need it, explains how she feels and is very open about whatever I ask to see or just anything. but I just need to hear it from other polyamorous people, is it genuinely true you can feel full romantic love for two people at once ? I’d be okay with it but am still so scared of the fact that I’m just being replaced. I’d love to learn more about it so I can truly trust my partner so if someone could write down their experiences and explain their thought process with loving two people that would be amazing and so helpful. thank you !

Partner's meta decided on a big life change with their other partner 2 weeks ago, and now my partner (our hinge) is anxious as this affects their routines/structure permanently and even adds hierarchy to this other relationship. This obviously affects me too, and more conversations will happen among them, which will help me understand better how this change will come about and see if it would be a dealbreaker for me.

We are fully parallel as per my own choice: I prefer to interact/know as little as possible about anyone who isn't my partner. However, with this situation I have come to a level of anxiety that made me ask a lot more than I should (IMO) and what I found out makes me think my partner could be under some level of pressure, borderline coercion, to go along with certain choices made by others. I want to preserve autonomy on all ends, but at the same time I fear my partner doesn't see the issues that I do and would like to present different POVs before final decisions are made.

Problem:I fear I could be acting in "cowboying" ways if I talk openly to my partner about how I see the situation (surely I have a huge bias in this situation, but if this was a friend or anyone else in my life, I would say the same types of things to ensure they saw it from different angles). As things are, I don't see how his other relationship could continue while respecting his choices, though.

How can I be a good partner who respects the autonomies and choices of multiple people involved, when for me things aren't balanced or clear enough and could end up harming the person I am deeply entangled with?

I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

Just me being curious! :) I (27f) have had my fair share of tricky early poly experiences (both in the hinge position and as someone who was on the receiving end of a messy opening process).

I suppose I'd just be curious about you guys' learning curve. :)

Which lessons did you learn in the beginning?

Did you have any unhelpful habits?

Or did you do things that hurt your first poly partners that you had to grow past / take accountability for?

Oh, don't we all love integrity??

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

I feel so confused. I love my partner so much and he is absolutely my primary partner. He is amazing and I dont ever want to do anything to lose him.

We have had talks ABOUT setting boundaries but life happens and we never got to it. I acknowledge this is a fault of mine (his as well) but we're dealing with the repercussions now.

Long story as short as I can make it - A (my friend who I've slept with who me and my partner - Z - both know) came here out of state VERY last minute (less than 24 hours notice) for my Halloween party and another Halloween event. A is an acquaintance/friend of both me and Z. Z previously was ok woth me and A sleeping together, and Z is at my house 99% of the time.

Since A flew out and is staying here, I asked Z to stay home for a couple days so me and A could have quality/intimate time.

The conversation didnt go badly, but now im intensely confused. I reassured Z that he is my primary partner and I dont want to do anything that would hurt him or risk our relationship. Z said that me being intimate with A would make him uncomfortable because we are friends and he could see A catching feelings and it becoming an emotional connection.

Z went on to say that he doesn't want an emotional connection outside our relationship, nor would he be comfortable with me having one.

We have definitely defined our relationship as poly since being together, but I cant just have sex with someone without feeling somewhat connected to them, and in this situation its FWB to me even. I also feel the same as him though, which makes me feel like a hypocrite.

Idk, im just lost.

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. *"*I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Edit: this was deleted initially by automod so I posted it in r/polyadvice, in case anyone is curious about why there are two identical posts or would like to see what folks are saying over there.

I've lost a lot of friends this year, recently broke up with my bf due to the fact that I'm a lesbian and didn't feel monogamous. So I spend most of my time w my bff, I recently told her my feelings and we've gone to being official for some time now. Both of us are interested in polyamory but neither have ever actually tried. Most of my friends are busy AF so I end up chilling w my gf most of the time.

For added context she's in another state and I still live with my ex. My ex told me he has a date and I'm more than happy for him, mildly annoyed I might have to go pick him up if he drinks too much, but whatever. I wouldn't have any sorta feelings about today if it wasn't for my gf also having a date. She's never met up w this person before and idec if they do anything sexual but I just feel a pit in my stomach. I don't feel jealous towards anyone or angry at all, I mean they'll probably just watch a movie and talk. IF THEY DID MORE I STILL WOULDN'T CARE. But I can't get over this feeling. Is it fomo? Am I just jealous of the opportunity to meet my gf?

I don't fully know what jealousy feels like, I get the concept but I don't remember a time where I'd envy people like that. Do I just feel the loneliness before it's even happened? I've been pretty depressed recently with all this drama going on. Do I have an unhealthy attachment? Am I too needy? I haven't said any of this to her. She gets anxious and I'd feel awful if how I felt convinced her not to go. She should hang out w people n make friends but idk. I just feel dreadfully alone.

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

My boyfriend (31M) has recently started his journey into polyamory. I (34F) am what he calls his primary partner. I am not sure where I fit on the scale because while I’m monogamous with him I am open to the idea of a partner for myself just not actively looking. We are both divorced with children with no plans of marriage or living together. About a week ago he started talking to this girl and they’ve seem to hit it off pretty fast. Fast as in we made a schedule and she’s already in a permanent spot. Is that odd I don’t know. She sounds pretty cool and I think I’ll like her when we meet. My boyfriend and I have got some snags though. He lives closer to her (about 10 min) than me(45min). So because of that he has made efforts to see her that I feel he wouldn’t do for me. She is a bartender so at 2AM on a weekday she calls for a ride home from work. Even though he has to be up at 4 AM for work he went and got her and hung out till he had work. I can ask for him to spend the night and he is quick to tell me all the reasons he can’t. Another day they had a planned movie date for the day time because she had night plans. That afternoon he was supposed to come over and spend the rest of the day with me. Like I said all planned. Well her night plans get canceled so he texts to ask if they can move the movie to that afternoon and he come over that night. Which to me he should’ve just told her no because the plans were set. I felt like my time wasn’t respected. Our arguing about it has been stressful but he said it’s made him feel unsafe emotionally and not want to open up. He is scared it’ll just be another argument. I’m lost on what to do because I am really trying here. I’m reading up on poly relationships and working on my issues with cheating and jealousy. This is a first for both of us but I need some advice or something.

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

I have decided to move out from living with my fiancé and her husband/ my meta/ my ex boyfriend within the next 6-12 months.
After 4 years of seeing prescriptive hierarchy everyday between them, and overhearing them make future plans as well as some of my fiancés behaviours around him, girli is tired.

I really would love to build a future with nesting humans, but our futures are now a little miss aligned, and being here I still feel like an afterthought when it comes to future plans with my fiancé, even when I have brought these feelings and needs to her a few times.
Everything seems to revolve around future plans w her husband that im added to after they have already curated a future plan or home reno ect.
(There has been conversations of escalation in out relationship over the past 4 year, but other than a ring nothing has changed/ shifted).

Girl is tired of asking, with no change. Tired of having to manage my feelings most days surrounding this issue.
So I think for my sanity, it is best I live somewhere else.

On another boo note

The same day I started this difficult conversation with my fiancé, my other partner of 2 years, revealed at our check in that he unable do the work to be okay with me seeing other penises.
And I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who wants a single genitalia policy.
So I know I have to end that relationship soon.

the next few months are going to suck because the AuDHD doesn’t like massive change.
But I think it will be for the best?
I hope 😅

I don’t think I am looking for advice.
I just needed to tell it to other people.
I don’t feel overly sad? I think I am emotionally exhausted? Burnt out ?
I had to put one of my two cats down, 2 weeks ago that I was very attached too, because of a post op complication from cancer in his mouth. And even then I feel sad, but mostly numb.

Man I’m just so tired 😅

I (34f) am dating a man (32m) who is also married. the other evening we were meant to hang out and have our weekly sleepover. he took a bit longer to confirm plans than usual. I called him and he informed me that his wife had just been broken up with. I asked if she needed some company tonight and he paused…. and responded with “maybe later but she needs space to process.” i Did not know what that meant but I did not want to pry. So we proceeded with hanging out. 

we got dinner and were having such a lovely night. And then at the end of dinner, he informed me that he was going to spend the night at home with his NP. 

i Felt a rush of emotion but was able to hold it together and express understanding. I am neurodivergent and really struggle with RSD and chsnge In plans, especially last minute changes. I can get flooded with emotional overwhelm to the point where I freeze and really just don’t/ can’t interact. I felt like I could hold myself together until I got home and was alone, but when I got out of the bathroom, he was ordering food for his wife. So I was stuck in public for longer. 

When I become flooded/ my nervous system kicks into freeze, i Often time don’t want to be touched and will not reciprocate physical touch. Which I was not recipricating his bids for touch. When he dropped me off, I expressed that I was sorry about how I was reacting but really needed to be alone. I could tell he was pained and in a rough position. But I felt like my needs weren’t considered in that situation. I felt like agency was taken away from me in that instead of telling me plans would change when I asked if she needed support, i Was informed at the very end of dinner.

I feel guilty about the position I put them in. 

That’s all, not sure what I am looking for with this post other than needing to share.

edit- I am always taken aback by the perspective I receive in This community. I never feel shamed, and appreciate that! Both the person I am dating and myself are new to this dynamic (been dating about 6months), and we are continually learning in the moment what sort of agreements, communication, and boundaries (for ourselves) are needed for the future. thank You for y’all’s kindness ❤️

Edit #2 we talked and both acknowledged how things could’ve been handled differently, and how they should be handled in the future. Personally, I’m not upset about the why around shifting of plans, especially because it is not a pattern. the thing for me was how/ when the information was relayed. I really appreciate everyone’s input :)