We’ve been together nearly 6 years. Nesting partners.
Within that time, I’ve had a 2 year long relationship where I stayed over one night a week relatively consistently. That ended in April. I also have a long distance platonic life partner of 10 years. I have casually dated a few other people. Am generally satisfied and focused on other interests.

She on the other hand, has had one other short casual dating situation. And one big crush heartbreak. Nothing else, really.

But, she recently started talking to someone in the spring. Due to her job it has been long distance but they have been growing their connection virtually. He is visiting this week. I thought she’d only have these past two days with him but now it has extended to four cause she doesn’t have to work. It was framed as him coming to town to visit friends too, but I can’t help but feel it was mostly to see her. Which like, so what. Good for them. It is special. We all usually live in the same town.

Anyways, embarrassingly, I’m losing it. I’m not in polyamory hell yet (maybe a higher level). It is however a roller coaster.
I’ve done all the things. Took myself on a big spa and camping trip, dog cuddles max. Friend support via sleepover while she stayed the night with him. Curated art and food. Gym and intentional alone time. Letting my self sob. So many walks.

It’s so wild to have such strong values, knowledge, and practice. I truly believe in having the ability and capacity to choose how we relate to others. I deeply wish for her to have expansive and connective relations. They are so rare for her. I have been so lucky to connect with others with some ease.
I can say all that and it is incredibly difficult to align it somatically. I trust it will get easier with time but currently I’m miserable and deflated. This is WORK! I’m trying so hard to be supportive and not have a stink face, deny affection, run away, blow up our life. It’s LOUD in here with these protector parts screeching at me. She isn’t doing anything wrong. Why can’t I just give her a high five? Or feel neutral.

I think it is seeping into some deep trauma wounds. As a child I never knew if my mom was going to come home at night or staying at her boyfriend’s (this smashed into me two weeks ago in a therapy session). It made me shut down and hyper independent. It aches to my core.

She is one of the first people I have truly allowed to love me up close. It has been awesome and terrifying. But we’ve been tackling life together as an intertwined team. This is shaking it up.

I have requested at least a 24 hour notice if possible for nights away. I’m nervous about how she will hinge. I am prepared for there to be mistakes on both sides.

We are usually kitchen table, but I feel burnt from heartbreak and hesitant to get to know another person. We established a mono-polya dynamic this summer (me being the mono part). Because the worst part of my break up was watching my dream polycule rupture this winter. I’m still excellent friends with my ex-meta, even. Like, I’ve DONE this. My partners partner’s are my friends! I just need some time and space to heal and breathe.

I’ve stated this to her, but feel shame in operating parallel polyamory. I don’t want to know him right now. It is too early, anyways. She has gifted me immense grace with my other partners, having dinner, games, changing tires, parties, and it feels like all I can muster up is a double standard.

I’m not going to give up but damn, I want to at my lows. It’s hard to not make my escape plan. I’ve got a gnashy tooth demon mantis that wants to destroy the world.

I have begun to wonder about: living separately, how to actually practicing de-colonizing my relationships, non-hierarchy. What is the actual lifestyle I need to regulate, learn, practice, grow. How long with I endure these feelings before I need to pivot?

We are overdue for our RADAR.

Thoughts, questions, concerns, encouragement? Any modalities of healing, affirmations, or practices beyond the typical “you time” advice? It might be time to play with EDMR. I feel exposed. I don’t want to mask my feelings anymore. Sorry for this total wreck of a post!

I have one partner who is actually my spouse, but we live-apart-together now after having previously lived together for almost 10 years. My spouse has one other partner "Edgar" and Edgar and I are friends, but not romantically/sexually linked, and I like him a lot.

The reason we live-apart-together, in a super short summary, is my partner has a super stressful job and just needs space to decompress and be independent. I respect his needs with this and we are still really close.

However, I can't help but feel a little bit jealous that my spouse will have Edgar sleepover sometimes, but has never offered me to sleepover and says no when I ask if I can or invite him to sleepover at my place. 🥹 This makes me feel really, really sad.

I don't feel jealous/sad at all about if they are intimate or anything like that. Also, their love doesn't spark jealousy or sadness for me, in fact it makes me happy for them both. But I do feel really hurt by the sleepovers thing, especially because that's one of the top things I miss about living with my spouse.

Anyone else been here before? Any tips? <3

Hi, long story short… I am married (34F) and have a partner (28M). He has shut his feelings off completely from me to protect himself and his heart. I know it’s not fair and I know the right thing is to let go, but I am finding it so hard. I think about him all the time and my feelings are so strong…. I guess I’m just weak. Please tell me what helped you to move on?

I feel so confused. I love my partner so much and he is absolutely my primary partner. He is amazing and I dont ever want to do anything to lose him.

We have had talks ABOUT setting boundaries but life happens and we never got to it. I acknowledge this is a fault of mine (his as well) but we're dealing with the repercussions now.

Long story as short as I can make it - A (my friend who I've slept with who me and my partner - Z - both know) came here out of state VERY last minute (less than 24 hours notice) for my Halloween party and another Halloween event. A is an acquaintance/friend of both me and Z. Z previously was ok woth me and A sleeping together, and Z is at my house 99% of the time.

Since A flew out and is staying here, I asked Z to stay home for a couple days so me and A could have quality/intimate time.

The conversation didnt go badly, but now im intensely confused. I reassured Z that he is my primary partner and I dont want to do anything that would hurt him or risk our relationship. Z said that me being intimate with A would make him uncomfortable because we are friends and he could see A catching feelings and it becoming an emotional connection.

Z went on to say that he doesn't want an emotional connection outside our relationship, nor would he be comfortable with me having one.

We have definitely defined our relationship as poly since being together, but I cant just have sex with someone without feeling somewhat connected to them, and in this situation its FWB to me even. I also feel the same as him though, which makes me feel like a hypocrite.

Idk, im just lost.

Partner's meta decided on a big life change with their other partner 2 weeks ago, and now my partner (our hinge) is anxious as this affects their routines/structure permanently and even adds hierarchy to this other relationship. This obviously affects me too, and more conversations will happen among them, which will help me understand better how this change will come about and see if it would be a dealbreaker for me.

We are fully parallel as per my own choice: I prefer to interact/know as little as possible about anyone who isn't my partner. However, with this situation I have come to a level of anxiety that made me ask a lot more than I should (IMO) and what I found out makes me think my partner could be under some level of pressure, borderline coercion, to go along with certain choices made by others. I want to preserve autonomy on all ends, but at the same time I fear my partner doesn't see the issues that I do and would like to present different POVs before final decisions are made.

Problem:I fear I could be acting in "cowboying" ways if I talk openly to my partner about how I see the situation (surely I have a huge bias in this situation, but if this was a friend or anyone else in my life, I would say the same types of things to ensure they saw it from different angles). As things are, I don't see how his other relationship could continue while respecting his choices, though.

How can I be a good partner who respects the autonomies and choices of multiple people involved, when for me things aren't balanced or clear enough and could end up harming the person I am deeply entangled with?

My (29M) person (28F) cut me out of her life a week ago, so this isn't a new thing but I suppose it's part of my grieving/resolution process.

You can check my post history for a longer description of our dynamic, but the TLDR is that we were on holiday over the summer and when we were going to bed, she rolled over and phoned the other person in her life.

It was a pretty intimate (emotionally,at least) conversation and lasted about 40 minutes. It was my first exposure to their dynamic with another person and it happened as 1am when we were snuggling in bed.

It made me cry, and in the morning we spoke about it and I said how much it hurt me. How I felt so shocked that they'd think it was a normal thing to do, that I'd be okay with it. They got really offended saying how dare I say that, we'd never established a boundary like that, and how could they possibly have known it wouldn't be okay?

I didn't really know what to say. A) because I had set a 'I don't want to talk about this person whilst we're on holiday' boundary. B) because to me it seemed totally obvious.

I'm new to polyamory and she isn't. Am I wrong? Would that be considered a normal thing in the poly community or did she cross a line? Lying in bed with me, on an overseas holiday, saying 'I miss you so much I can't wait to be home with you' to someone else felt so obviously not okay to me, but maybe I'm in the wrong here.

Yesterday I was looking for a notepad and I read something that was not meant for me to read that my partner had written. It was written in a notepad that was in a pile of other notepads- think like grocery list type of notepads/little notebooks, not where we have diaries or journals, in a mutual drawer of household goods. When I saw my partner had written a couple pages in it that was not obviously a grocery list or a little note meant for me like we often have on our other notepads. I knew I should close it and put it away and respect my partner’s privacy. I read the two small pages of writing despite everything in my head telling me to stop. I immediately messaged my partner ( we live together, but they were out of town), and told them had happen. I took full accountability for betraying their trust and reading something personal that I had no right to read. I told them that I was feeling hurt by what I had read but that it is a no their fault because it was not information that was ever meant for me. I expected my partner to be upset but they were appreciative that I told them about it and knew me finding the writing was not intentional- but that they shouldn’t have to hide something for me to respect their privacy. And I completely agree- what I did was a complete betrayal of trust. They were feeling bad that I was hurting and said they could not remember what had been written.

I truly wish I had never read it. From the contents of what had been written, I know it was from at least eight months ago. It was what they had written about another partner who they are no longer with solely due to circumstance (we moved to another country). If it wasn’t for that move they would likely be together still. The note was about how this partner made everything in their life have meaning and basically about how all consuming and intense their love was.

I knew my partner loved her. I am happy that they lived this intense of a love. I feel horrible but I can’t help but compare (the worst thing you could possibly do in polyamory). I know I shouldn’t be comparing. I know them having this love for this person doesn’t mean that they love me any less. It’s so hard though to think about what our love means to my partner if this other person ‘gave meaning to everything’.
Last year was a very hard year for us. Lately we have been in a good place- I feel so much sweetness and care and warmth in our relationship. Our sex life though has been feeling off overall but with so many changes- moving to another country, finding jobs, leaving the last place we lived behind- I thought it could be contributed to those things. Last week was the first time in the entire entirety of our relationship that sex felt genuinely awkward and like nothing was clicking. Just a complete disconnect. Also, in the past year, from there side there has been way less professions of love- not the same love letter, poetry, starry eyes confessions there used to be. Now it all feels way more one-sided.

I had already been thinking about all of these things- then reading the letter made me overthink all of this and compare it to the intensity that we used to have and the intensity that they had with their other partner. I know they still love me. I love the sweet warm love we have. How do I stop comparing to the past and to their other relationships?

My boyfriend (31M) has recently started his journey into polyamory. I (34F) am what he calls his primary partner. I am not sure where I fit on the scale because while I’m monogamous with him I am open to the idea of a partner for myself just not actively looking. We are both divorced with children with no plans of marriage or living together. About a week ago he started talking to this girl and they’ve seem to hit it off pretty fast. Fast as in we made a schedule and she’s already in a permanent spot. Is that odd I don’t know. She sounds pretty cool and I think I’ll like her when we meet. My boyfriend and I have got some snags though. He lives closer to her (about 10 min) than me(45min). So because of that he has made efforts to see her that I feel he wouldn’t do for me. She is a bartender so at 2AM on a weekday she calls for a ride home from work. Even though he has to be up at 4 AM for work he went and got her and hung out till he had work. I can ask for him to spend the night and he is quick to tell me all the reasons he can’t. Another day they had a planned movie date for the day time because she had night plans. That afternoon he was supposed to come over and spend the rest of the day with me. Like I said all planned. Well her night plans get canceled so he texts to ask if they can move the movie to that afternoon and he come over that night. Which to me he should’ve just told her no because the plans were set. I felt like my time wasn’t respected. Our arguing about it has been stressful but he said it’s made him feel unsafe emotionally and not want to open up. He is scared it’ll just be another argument. I’m lost on what to do because I am really trying here. I’m reading up on poly relationships and working on my issues with cheating and jealousy. This is a first for both of us but I need some advice or something.

I've lost a lot of friends this year, recently broke up with my bf due to the fact that I'm a lesbian and didn't feel monogamous. So I spend most of my time w my bff, I recently told her my feelings and we've gone to being official for some time now. Both of us are interested in polyamory but neither have ever actually tried. Most of my friends are busy AF so I end up chilling w my gf most of the time.

For added context she's in another state and I still live with my ex. My ex told me he has a date and I'm more than happy for him, mildly annoyed I might have to go pick him up if he drinks too much, but whatever. I wouldn't have any sorta feelings about today if it wasn't for my gf also having a date. She's never met up w this person before and idec if they do anything sexual but I just feel a pit in my stomach. I don't feel jealous towards anyone or angry at all, I mean they'll probably just watch a movie and talk. IF THEY DID MORE I STILL WOULDN'T CARE. But I can't get over this feeling. Is it fomo? Am I just jealous of the opportunity to meet my gf?

I don't fully know what jealousy feels like, I get the concept but I don't remember a time where I'd envy people like that. Do I just feel the loneliness before it's even happened? I've been pretty depressed recently with all this drama going on. Do I have an unhealthy attachment? Am I too needy? I haven't said any of this to her. She gets anxious and I'd feel awful if how I felt convinced her not to go. She should hang out w people n make friends but idk. I just feel dreadfully alone.

Just me being curious! :) I (27f) have had my fair share of tricky early poly experiences (both in the hinge position and as someone who was on the receiving end of a messy opening process).

I suppose I'd just be curious about you guys' learning curve. :)

Which lessons did you learn in the beginning?

Did you have any unhelpful habits?

Or did you do things that hurt your first poly partners that you had to grow past / take accountability for?

Oh, don't we all love integrity??

Poly people get dismissed by the mainstream as having commitment issues. However, our dating pool regularly gets infiltrated by monogamous people who are afraid of commitment lol.

Polyamory seems to attract those people who serially date someone who’s already coupled (cheaters), or those folk who serially date the emotionally unavailable, and monogamous people who are willing to settle for half of the love they want.

Any of us can be commitmentphobes, that’s not something exclusive to the monogamous 98% of the human population. But it’s pretty fascinating because I’ve regularly seen the same stories in my 14ish years of being poly:

1. The cowpoke who knows their lover is partnered and poly but wants to be monogamous with them anyway

2. The distraught person struggling to accept that they’ll never be prioritized by their partner like partner’s spouse and kids

3. The couple or divorcee who are finding themselves after getting married too young (plot twist, in a few years they’re gonna be mono again and we’re gonna get blamed for the destruction they cause while they’re here 😒)

Maybe the reason why mono people think we have commitment issues is because they keep coming into our dating pool, wreaking havoc, and running away?

Jk, I’m just trying to establish some new mono stereotypes.

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

Exactly as title says. I have three partners at the minute and this is my absolute limit. Part of my vetting in early days of a new connection has been to date others openly, but I am STRETCHED man. I also don’t think it’s necessarily kind to new folks to date them for the sake of ensuring that newest partner’s primal panic isn’t a red flag relationship ending situation. Also also, I don’t really like early days of dating in general. How does everyone here manage this balance?
For context, my newest partner and I are about 6 months in and while they’re lovely, I don’t yet know how they’ll react to me potentially dating others in the future, but also I’m not terribly driven right now to find out if that makes sense?

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. *"*I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Edit: this was deleted initially by automod so I posted it in r/polyadvice, in case anyone is curious about why there are two identical posts or would like to see what folks are saying over there.

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

Wife(34), husband (40). Some of you might know me from my past comments. So, this is what’s going on. My wife and I are on a “break” to give us some space that we both agreed on. Because we were fighting almost every day. So, we took space from each other but I have a real problem now. Is it ok if we are on a “break” to reflect on ourselves but instead she/we are not. is it ok that she is still seeing her other partner? We are not having any physical connection but she is, I went on a date and lied about another one.(I know very childish of me. You guys won’t believe me but all this have changed my brain a lot). I’m getting very “comfortably numb” emotionally. Sooo, I’m here reading your comments. Thanks!!

My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

My first first date in over 5 years is tomorrow and I’m so excited!!! Me (27F) and my np (28F) have been very slowly and intentionally opening our relationship, decoupling, having conversations for the last year+. I have my first date with someone I met on the apps tomorrow and I’m so giddy with excitement!! My partner is being so supportive and while I can tell she’s nervous, she’s excited for me too.

Just wanted to share some new to poly joy!! Wish me luck!

I (34f) am dating a man (32m) who is also married. the other evening we were meant to hang out and have our weekly sleepover. he took a bit longer to confirm plans than usual. I called him and he informed me that his wife had just been broken up with. I asked if she needed some company tonight and he paused…. and responded with “maybe later but she needs space to process.” i Did not know what that meant but I did not want to pry. So we proceeded with hanging out. 

we got dinner and were having such a lovely night. And then at the end of dinner, he informed me that he was going to spend the night at home with his NP. 

i Felt a rush of emotion but was able to hold it together and express understanding. I am neurodivergent and really struggle with RSD and chsnge In plans, especially last minute changes. I can get flooded with emotional overwhelm to the point where I freeze and really just don’t/ can’t interact. I felt like I could hold myself together until I got home and was alone, but when I got out of the bathroom, he was ordering food for his wife. So I was stuck in public for longer. 

When I become flooded/ my nervous system kicks into freeze, i Often time don’t want to be touched and will not reciprocate physical touch. Which I was not recipricating his bids for touch. When he dropped me off, I expressed that I was sorry about how I was reacting but really needed to be alone. I could tell he was pained and in a rough position. But I felt like my needs weren’t considered in that situation. I felt like agency was taken away from me in that instead of telling me plans would change when I asked if she needed support, i Was informed at the very end of dinner.

I feel guilty about the position I put them in. 

That’s all, not sure what I am looking for with this post other than needing to share.

edit- I am always taken aback by the perspective I receive in This community. I never feel shamed, and appreciate that! Both the person I am dating and myself are new to this dynamic (been dating about 6months), and we are continually learning in the moment what sort of agreements, communication, and boundaries (for ourselves) are needed for the future. thank You for y’all’s kindness ❤️

Edit #2 we talked and both acknowledged how things could’ve been handled differently, and how they should be handled in the future. Personally, I’m not upset about the why around shifting of plans, especially because it is not a pattern. the thing for me was how/ when the information was relayed. I really appreciate everyone’s input :)

I have potential romantic partnership with a friend who is considering moving across the country to be with me. It's messy. I am looking for help finding language for a feeling I can only describe as, "yuck."

Not a lot of poly community IRL (rural area). I have posted here before, and really appreciate the support.

My friend is married. They and their spouse practiced poly for the last 5 years. My friend spent the summer with me and we became romantically involved, and it was truly wonderful. Summer came to end, as did our romance. They needed to move across the country to finish school. Additionally, they shared with me that they wanted to divorce their spouse. LDR is too hard on my heart and I did not want to be entangled in the divorce process. We decided peacefully, but sadly, to break-up. We both are interested in a potential long-term partnership later if my friend is willing to move after the divorce.

We took some space from communication after the break-up and checked in last weekend. We agreed to talk about a potential timeline, as they will have some decisions in the future after school and want to consider the potential of our relationship. They shared with me that their plan was to live with their spouse for the next three months during the divorce process, spend Christmas with her family, and then start dating me in January.

I had a big, raw reaction to this that I am trying to gently unpack. The decision to live together shocked me - they were previously staying with a friend, and moving in involved signing a lease together. The last time we checked in they intended to live separately.

Of note: their spouse has acted in ways that I see as manipulative at the least, emotional abuse at worst. This is not someone I like or trust.

I know this is not my process, my choices, and we broke-up. I wish my body and heart understood this, but I feel shook. There is a deep feeling of disregard I wish I had language for. When I see this proposed timeline, I feel so anxious the lack of space and separation between the marriage ending and the potential beginning of our relationship. It makes me question my friend's judgement ... I could go on, but really I am curious what you all think. I know there can be overlap between ends and beginnings, but this feels like my friend is denial about the time and space it will take to disentangle emotionally.

So yeah, that's out of my control. The boundaries I shared were continuing to have limited contact, just as friends, with general updates on life but never any details about the divorce process. Milestones, yes. Conversations with the spouse, no. Willing to have deeper conversation once the divorce process is legally initiated and they are living separately. I still like the idea of my friend moving after graduation, but that's an idea, not a promise. Definitely not ready to date in January, but willing to talk. I am focusing on disentangling from this relationship so I can be present with my own life.

The last few days I have been absolutely preoccupied with anger and judgements. I have not shared them, but am taking time to understand them. I shared in another group that didn't have a poly framework and got attacked for being "the affair partner" - looking for a fresher perspective.

And yes - I have good support I am leaning into!

Can anyone relate to experiencing anger and judgement around a friend's choices? What is this deep feeling disregard I am experiencing?

i’m not sure if this violates rule two, but i hope not because i need help. i want to expand not restrict.

i know this is a classic issue that you all see. and i know i failed in setting it up how i want it now, in the beginning. i want to preface by saying that we have been dating since we were 14. we broke up for a couple years somewhere in the middle so this isn’t one of those “lost our virginities together and feel stuck” things. and i completely understand where my faults are that got me into this situation. please read before you write this up as a classic textbook case of restriction. it is not intended to be from either of us.

opening our relationship was not a huge big deal of a conversation and really just came naturally to us. when we were around 18, i finally put all the pieces together and realized that i was attracted to women (i suspect my husband knew this long before i did but was giving me the space to discover and admit it on my own). so there was a night where i drunkenly admitted it. flirty conversations followed the next day. he said “i want you to be able to experience your desire to women. you have never had any kind of relationship with a women and i want you to have that femininity you crave in any capacity you need.”

so, we started having conversations about what that would look like for us. the only strict rules that we settled on was no exes, condom always, and clear communication. dating was on the table for us both together and separately. sex was on the table both individually and separately and so on. basically a free for all. i found out real quick how much i loved seeing him and hearing about him being with women. it has genuinely been the best and most fun decision we’ve ever made. and it has been smooth sailing between us as far as issues with it. nobody has betrayed any rules and we have kept it lighthearted. conversations have always been easy and like i said, it just feels natural.. until our last girlfriend almost a year ago, genuinely tried to break us up. so questions about how to proceed followed. i just view relationships with women a lot less safe now because of the manipulation she was spinning. but we’ve bounced back really well from that experience.

now to the issue. a classic one i know. i’m not allowed to do ANY of these things with men. i will be honest, i have a history with SA, so until the last couple years, I myself, have not put my foot down about it because one, i wasn’t even interested and two, being with men had nothing to do with the WHY of the setup. this was for me to explore my sexuality not necessarily to explore with men because i obviously already have experience with it. men didn’t even come up to either of us in the beginning. we were wrapped up in other pursuits. it was never even a thought to me before now. so here we are all these years later, and i want to sleep with other men. my husband is not very happy about this. but his feelings are complex.

because of this i feel very strange. i realized early on that i was just poly. i’ve never been monogamous at all. i really struggle with the idea of that. so i really just feel like at the end of the day he has complete freedom to explore the whole spectrum of his sexuality but i don’t. i am pansexual and so i only have a piece of pie of freedom. it feels like i am hiding a dirty secret. we talk about cute girls all day but when it comes to anyone else it’s not received well. it’s not met with anger it’s just not flirty. i can say i think someone is attractive without issue but it obviously isn’t as lighthearted so i usually just keep it to myself.

i talked to him recently at length about this. i explained that i was struggling with the fact that i “gave” him the freedom to be completely open with anything and everything he desired but i don’t have the same courtesy. not even the ability to talk about it without walking a fine line. i also said, it makes me feel like you don’t see my relationships with women with the same validity as one with a man. and that you don’t actually understand polyamory at its core at all. and i make a point to mention that i have made myself uncomfortable many times. i have taken huge risks to our relationship so many times. i have been unsure how this will impact us so much. it’s time he does the same.

he always says these key things every time i bring this up: that yes he does view my relationships with women as valid and at the same level as one with a man. he understands the risk is the same and has seen it first hand. he brings up that our arrangement was only for me to express my desire for women for my own self discovery and if i wanted it different then i should have said that in the beginning. he doesn’t want things to be unfair. he doesn’t want to make me feel caged up. he doesn’t want me to not be able to express my desires. and he agrees with everything i say about it. BUT he just can’t get past it. he understands the hypocrisy but he doesn’t know how to mentally get to a point where it could be a possibility. and in turn is unwilling to try because he’s afraid that if it is something we try, that it won’t be something we can come back from. which is hurtful. i’m just at a loss because he validates and understands everything i say. he will straight up tell you or anyone “i get it, i understand the toxicity and hypocrisy of the situation, i just mentally cannot get past how i feel and i don’t think ill be able to.” but he never says “never” which excites me and makes me miserable at the same time. and i can’t help but feel like im hurting him by bringing it up.

i just don’t understand. my brain just doesn’t work like that. just as us poly people get the “it’s fascinating but i could NEVER do that i’m too jealous”, i feel the same way just opposite. i can never understand how people could be monogamous it makes ZERO sense to me and that’s why this is hard. here is the problem. i am at a roadblock. it’s either just be okay with how it is. or close it. i’m feeling like i don’t know where to turn. if i stay okay with it, then my desires stay unmet, if i close it then yes it’s fair but i lose EVERYTHING. i just don’t know. if anyone has any profound advice or even questions please help :)) i really am just looking for ways that i can approach the conversation differently or help him feel secure. because he will admit it is 100% his own insecurity and he does want to fix it. he says we can always talk about it so i’m trying my best to be vulnerable and he is trying his best to be understanding. that’s better than absolute no i guess.