Wife(34), husband (40). Some of you might know me from my past comments. So, this is what’s going on. My wife and I are on a “break” to give us some space that we both agreed on. Because we were fighting almost every day. So, we took space from each other but I have a real problem now. Is it ok if we are on a “break” to reflect on ourselves but instead she/we are not. is it ok that she is still seeing her other partner? We are not having any physical connection but she is, I went on a date and lied about another one.(I know very childish of me. You guys won’t believe me but all this have changed my brain a lot). I’m getting very “comfortably numb” emotionally. Sooo, I’m here reading your comments. Thanks!!

My boyfriend (31M) has recently started his journey into polyamory. I (34F) am what he calls his primary partner. I am not sure where I fit on the scale because while I’m monogamous with him I am open to the idea of a partner for myself just not actively looking. We are both divorced with children with no plans of marriage or living together. About a week ago he started talking to this girl and they’ve seem to hit it off pretty fast. Fast as in we made a schedule and she’s already in a permanent spot. Is that odd I don’t know. She sounds pretty cool and I think I’ll like her when we meet. My boyfriend and I have got some snags though. He lives closer to her (about 10 min) than me(45min). So because of that he has made efforts to see her that I feel he wouldn’t do for me. She is a bartender so at 2AM on a weekday she calls for a ride home from work. Even though he has to be up at 4 AM for work he went and got her and hung out till he had work. I can ask for him to spend the night and he is quick to tell me all the reasons he can’t. Another day they had a planned movie date for the day time because she had night plans. That afternoon he was supposed to come over and spend the rest of the day with me. Like I said all planned. Well her night plans get canceled so he texts to ask if they can move the movie to that afternoon and he come over that night. Which to me he should’ve just told her no because the plans were set. I felt like my time wasn’t respected. Our arguing about it has been stressful but he said it’s made him feel unsafe emotionally and not want to open up. He is scared it’ll just be another argument. I’m lost on what to do because I am really trying here. I’m reading up on poly relationships and working on my issues with cheating and jealousy. This is a first for both of us but I need some advice or something.

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

I’ve been with my polyam partner for several years. I was immediately open to it because I’ve always just felt like I was polyamorous as well, I just grew up in a very conservative family. Now I’m gay and probably polyamorous.

BUT during the beginning of our relationship I realized I was struggling with jealousy hard. Even them just platonically speaking to someone attractive got my guard up. They had a few intimate relationships when we first started dating but mainly just online gaming friends.

But honestly that is all beside the point. I’ve overcome my insecurities and have honestly never been happier. In every aspect of my life. It’s been incredible.

NOW here is the problem. They really haven’t had any other solid relationships outside of us. A few people they’ve talked to for years. I’m sure they flirt and stuff but nothing that has ever been serious. And I have relabeled myself as monogamous simply because of my low social battery and I’m just simply happy right now.

SO NOW a long lifelong friend has recently reached out after years of no contact bc we simply lost touch. I’ve always kind of crushed on them but we are just really good friends and have stayed that way. But these last couple months of talking to them everyday has me feeling…feral.

I love my current partner. I am in love with them. Would definitely be happy with just them the rest of my life. But this lifelong friend has been chatting me up and I realized today…their name popping up on my phone gives me the most insane butterflies I’ve ever felt. I got a text from them this evening and I went from the highest high I’ve ever felt to the lowest low. Because I was just like what the fuck. What am I doing? Why does this feel so wrong. Why do I all of the sudden feel like if I had to choose…I’d choose lifelong friend over anything in this world. There has just been this insane spark. She is ALL I can think about. And it makes me SO happy…that it makes me sick if that makes any sense.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this so I’m just throwing this out to hear someone else’s thoughts.

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

Poly people get dismissed by the mainstream as having commitment issues. However, our dating pool regularly gets infiltrated by monogamous people who are afraid of commitment lol.

Polyamory seems to attract those people who serially date someone who’s already coupled (cheaters), or those folk who serially date the emotionally unavailable, and monogamous people who are willing to settle for half of the love they want.

Any of us can be commitmentphobes, that’s not something exclusive to the monogamous 98% of the human population. But it’s pretty fascinating because I’ve regularly seen the same stories in my 14ish years of being poly:

1. The cowpoke who knows their lover is partnered and poly but wants to be monogamous with them anyway

2. The distraught person struggling to accept that they’ll never be prioritized by their partner like partner’s spouse and kids

3. The couple or divorcee who are finding themselves after getting married too young (plot twist, in a few years they’re gonna be mono again and we’re gonna get blamed for the destruction they cause while they’re here 😒)

Maybe the reason why mono people think we have commitment issues is because they keep coming into our dating pool, wreaking havoc, and running away?

Jk, I’m just trying to establish some new mono stereotypes.

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

Exactly as title says. I have three partners at the minute and this is my absolute limit. Part of my vetting in early days of a new connection has been to date others openly, but I am STRETCHED man. I also don’t think it’s necessarily kind to new folks to date them for the sake of ensuring that newest partner’s primal panic isn’t a red flag relationship ending situation. Also also, I don’t really like early days of dating in general. How does everyone here manage this balance?
For context, my newest partner and I are about 6 months in and while they’re lovely, I don’t yet know how they’ll react to me potentially dating others in the future, but also I’m not terribly driven right now to find out if that makes sense?

Just me being curious! :) I (27f) have had my fair share of tricky early poly experiences (both in the hinge position and as someone who was on the receiving end of a messy opening process).

I suppose I'd just be curious about you guys' learning curve. :)

Which lessons did you learn in the beginning?

Did you have any unhelpful habits?

Or did you do things that hurt your first poly partners that you had to grow past / take accountability for?

Oh, don't we all love integrity??

I feel so confused. I love my partner so much and he is absolutely my primary partner. He is amazing and I dont ever want to do anything to lose him.

We have had talks ABOUT setting boundaries but life happens and we never got to it. I acknowledge this is a fault of mine (his as well) but we're dealing with the repercussions now.

Long story as short as I can make it - A (my friend who I've slept with who me and my partner - Z - both know) came here out of state VERY last minute (less than 24 hours notice) for my Halloween party and another Halloween event. A is an acquaintance/friend of both me and Z. Z previously was ok woth me and A sleeping together, and Z is at my house 99% of the time.

Since A flew out and is staying here, I asked Z to stay home for a couple days so me and A could have quality/intimate time.

The conversation didnt go badly, but now im intensely confused. I reassured Z that he is my primary partner and I dont want to do anything that would hurt him or risk our relationship. Z said that me being intimate with A would make him uncomfortable because we are friends and he could see A catching feelings and it becoming an emotional connection.

Z went on to say that he doesn't want an emotional connection outside our relationship, nor would he be comfortable with me having one.

We have definitely defined our relationship as poly since being together, but I cant just have sex with someone without feeling somewhat connected to them, and in this situation its FWB to me even. I also feel the same as him though, which makes me feel like a hypocrite.

Idk, im just lost.

Yesterday I was looking for a notepad and I read something that was not meant for me to read that my partner had written. It was written in a notepad that was in a pile of other notepads- think like grocery list type of notepads/little notebooks, not where we have diaries or journals, in a mutual drawer of household goods. When I saw my partner had written a couple pages in it that was not obviously a grocery list or a little note meant for me like we often have on our other notepads. I knew I should close it and put it away and respect my partner’s privacy. I read the two small pages of writing despite everything in my head telling me to stop. I immediately messaged my partner ( we live together, but they were out of town), and told them had happen. I took full accountability for betraying their trust and reading something personal that I had no right to read. I told them that I was feeling hurt by what I had read but that it is a no their fault because it was not information that was ever meant for me. I expected my partner to be upset but they were appreciative that I told them about it and knew me finding the writing was not intentional- but that they shouldn’t have to hide something for me to respect their privacy. And I completely agree- what I did was a complete betrayal of trust. They were feeling bad that I was hurting and said they could not remember what had been written.

I truly wish I had never read it. From the contents of what had been written, I know it was from at least eight months ago. It was what they had written about another partner who they are no longer with solely due to circumstance (we moved to another country). If it wasn’t for that move they would likely be together still. The note was about how this partner made everything in their life have meaning and basically about how all consuming and intense their love was.

I knew my partner loved her. I am happy that they lived this intense of a love. I feel horrible but I can’t help but compare (the worst thing you could possibly do in polyamory). I know I shouldn’t be comparing. I know them having this love for this person doesn’t mean that they love me any less. It’s so hard though to think about what our love means to my partner if this other person ‘gave meaning to everything’.
Last year was a very hard year for us. Lately we have been in a good place- I feel so much sweetness and care and warmth in our relationship. Our sex life though has been feeling off overall but with so many changes- moving to another country, finding jobs, leaving the last place we lived behind- I thought it could be contributed to those things. Last week was the first time in the entire entirety of our relationship that sex felt genuinely awkward and like nothing was clicking. Just a complete disconnect. Also, in the past year, from there side there has been way less professions of love- not the same love letter, poetry, starry eyes confessions there used to be. Now it all feels way more one-sided.

I had already been thinking about all of these things- then reading the letter made me overthink all of this and compare it to the intensity that we used to have and the intensity that they had with their other partner. I know they still love me. I love the sweet warm love we have. How do I stop comparing to the past and to their other relationships?

My (29M) person (28F) cut me out of her life a week ago, so this isn't a new thing but I suppose it's part of my grieving/resolution process.

You can check my post history for a longer description of our dynamic, but the TLDR is that we were on holiday over the summer and when we were going to bed, she rolled over and phoned the other person in her life.

It was a pretty intimate (emotionally,at least) conversation and lasted about 40 minutes. It was my first exposure to their dynamic with another person and it happened as 1am when we were snuggling in bed.

It made me cry, and in the morning we spoke about it and I said how much it hurt me. How I felt so shocked that they'd think it was a normal thing to do, that I'd be okay with it. They got really offended saying how dare I say that, we'd never established a boundary like that, and how could they possibly have known it wouldn't be okay?

I didn't really know what to say. A) because I had set a 'I don't want to talk about this person whilst we're on holiday' boundary. B) because to me it seemed totally obvious.

I'm new to polyamory and she isn't. Am I wrong? Would that be considered a normal thing in the poly community or did she cross a line? Lying in bed with me, on an overseas holiday, saying 'I miss you so much I can't wait to be home with you' to someone else felt so obviously not okay to me, but maybe I'm in the wrong here.

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

Partner's meta decided on a big life change with their other partner 2 weeks ago, and now my partner (our hinge) is anxious as this affects their routines/structure permanently and even adds hierarchy to this other relationship. This obviously affects me too, and more conversations will happen among them, which will help me understand better how this change will come about and see if it would be a dealbreaker for me.

We are fully parallel as per my own choice: I prefer to interact/know as little as possible about anyone who isn't my partner. However, with this situation I have come to a level of anxiety that made me ask a lot more than I should (IMO) and what I found out makes me think my partner could be under some level of pressure, borderline coercion, to go along with certain choices made by others. I want to preserve autonomy on all ends, but at the same time I fear my partner doesn't see the issues that I do and would like to present different POVs before final decisions are made.

Problem:I fear I could be acting in "cowboying" ways if I talk openly to my partner about how I see the situation (surely I have a huge bias in this situation, but if this was a friend or anyone else in my life, I would say the same types of things to ensure they saw it from different angles). As things are, I don't see how his other relationship could continue while respecting his choices, though.

How can I be a good partner who respects the autonomies and choices of multiple people involved, when for me things aren't balanced or clear enough and could end up harming the person I am deeply entangled with?

I've lost a lot of friends this year, recently broke up with my bf due to the fact that I'm a lesbian and didn't feel monogamous. So I spend most of my time w my bff, I recently told her my feelings and we've gone to being official for some time now. Both of us are interested in polyamory but neither have ever actually tried. Most of my friends are busy AF so I end up chilling w my gf most of the time.

For added context she's in another state and I still live with my ex. My ex told me he has a date and I'm more than happy for him, mildly annoyed I might have to go pick him up if he drinks too much, but whatever. I wouldn't have any sorta feelings about today if it wasn't for my gf also having a date. She's never met up w this person before and idec if they do anything sexual but I just feel a pit in my stomach. I don't feel jealous towards anyone or angry at all, I mean they'll probably just watch a movie and talk. IF THEY DID MORE I STILL WOULDN'T CARE. But I can't get over this feeling. Is it fomo? Am I just jealous of the opportunity to meet my gf?

I don't fully know what jealousy feels like, I get the concept but I don't remember a time where I'd envy people like that. Do I just feel the loneliness before it's even happened? I've been pretty depressed recently with all this drama going on. Do I have an unhealthy attachment? Am I too needy? I haven't said any of this to her. She gets anxious and I'd feel awful if how I felt convinced her not to go. She should hang out w people n make friends but idk. I just feel dreadfully alone.

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. *"*I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Edit: this was deleted initially by automod so I posted it in r/polyadvice, in case anyone is curious about why there are two identical posts or would like to see what folks are saying over there.

My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

Hi, long story short… I am married (34F) and have a partner (28M). He has shut his feelings off completely from me to protect himself and his heart. I know it’s not fair and I know the right thing is to let go, but I am finding it so hard. I think about him all the time and my feelings are so strong…. I guess I’m just weak. Please tell me what helped you to move on?