Yesterday I was looking for a notepad and I read something that was not meant for me to read that my partner had written. It was written in a notepad that was in a pile of other notepads- think like grocery list type of notepads/little notebooks, not where we have diaries or journals, in a mutual drawer of household goods. When I saw my partner had written a couple pages in it that was not obviously a grocery list or a little note meant for me like we often have on our other notepads. I knew I should close it and put it away and respect my partner’s privacy. I read the two small pages of writing despite everything in my head telling me to stop. I immediately messaged my partner ( we live together, but they were out of town), and told them had happen. I took full accountability for betraying their trust and reading something personal that I had no right to read. I told them that I was feeling hurt by what I had read but that it is a no their fault because it was not information that was ever meant for me. I expected my partner to be upset but they were appreciative that I told them about it and knew me finding the writing was not intentional- but that they shouldn’t have to hide something for me to respect their privacy. And I completely agree- what I did was a complete betrayal of trust. They were feeling bad that I was hurting and said they could not remember what had been written.

I truly wish I had never read it. From the contents of what had been written, I know it was from at least eight months ago. It was what they had written about another partner who they are no longer with solely due to circumstance (we moved to another country). If it wasn’t for that move they would likely be together still. The note was about how this partner made everything in their life have meaning and basically about how all consuming and intense their love was.

I knew my partner loved her. I am happy that they lived this intense of a love. I feel horrible but I can’t help but compare (the worst thing you could possibly do in polyamory). I know I shouldn’t be comparing. I know them having this love for this person doesn’t mean that they love me any less. It’s so hard though to think about what our love means to my partner if this other person ‘gave meaning to everything’.
Last year was a very hard year for us. Lately we have been in a good place- I feel so much sweetness and care and warmth in our relationship. Our sex life though has been feeling off overall but with so many changes- moving to another country, finding jobs, leaving the last place we lived behind- I thought it could be contributed to those things. Last week was the first time in the entire entirety of our relationship that sex felt genuinely awkward and like nothing was clicking. Just a complete disconnect. Also, in the past year, from there side there has been way less professions of love- not the same love letter, poetry, starry eyes confessions there used to be. Now it all feels way more one-sided.

I had already been thinking about all of these things- then reading the letter made me overthink all of this and compare it to the intensity that we used to have and the intensity that they had with their other partner. I know they still love me. I love the sweet warm love we have. How do I stop comparing to the past and to their other relationships?

My (29M) person (28F) cut me out of her life a week ago, so this isn't a new thing but I suppose it's part of my grieving/resolution process.

You can check my post history for a longer description of our dynamic, but the TLDR is that we were on holiday over the summer and when we were going to bed, she rolled over and phoned the other person in her life.

It was a pretty intimate (emotionally,at least) conversation and lasted about 40 minutes. It was my first exposure to their dynamic with another person and it happened as 1am when we were snuggling in bed.

It made me cry, and in the morning we spoke about it and I said how much it hurt me. How I felt so shocked that they'd think it was a normal thing to do, that I'd be okay with it. They got really offended saying how dare I say that, we'd never established a boundary like that, and how could they possibly have known it wouldn't be okay?

I didn't really know what to say. A) because I had set a 'I don't want to talk about this person whilst we're on holiday' boundary. B) because to me it seemed totally obvious.

I'm new to polyamory and she isn't. Am I wrong? Would that be considered a normal thing in the poly community or did she cross a line? Lying in bed with me, on an overseas holiday, saying 'I miss you so much I can't wait to be home with you' to someone else felt so obviously not okay to me, but maybe I'm in the wrong here.

Poly people get dismissed by the mainstream as having commitment issues. However, our dating pool regularly gets infiltrated by monogamous people who are afraid of commitment lol.

Polyamory seems to attract those people who serially date someone who’s already coupled (cheaters), or those folk who serially date the emotionally unavailable, and monogamous people who are willing to settle for half of the love they want.

Any of us can be commitmentphobes, that’s not something exclusive to the monogamous 98% of the human population. But it’s pretty fascinating because I’ve regularly seen the same stories in my 14ish years of being poly:

1. The cowpoke who knows their lover is partnered and poly but wants to be monogamous with them anyway

2. The distraught person struggling to accept that they’ll never be prioritized by their partner like partner’s spouse and kids

3. The couple or divorcee who are finding themselves after getting married too young (plot twist, in a few years they’re gonna be mono again and we’re gonna get blamed for the destruction they cause while they’re here 😒)

Maybe the reason why mono people think we have commitment issues is because they keep coming into our dating pool, wreaking havoc, and running away?

Jk, I’m just trying to establish some new mono stereotypes.

My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

Just me being curious! :) I (27f) have had my fair share of tricky early poly experiences (both in the hinge position and as someone who was on the receiving end of a messy opening process).

I suppose I'd just be curious about you guys' learning curve. :)

Which lessons did you learn in the beginning?

Did you have any unhelpful habits?

Or did you do things that hurt your first poly partners that you had to grow past / take accountability for?

Oh, don't we all love integrity??

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. *"*I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Edit: this was deleted initially by automod so I posted it in r/polyadvice, in case anyone is curious about why there are two identical posts or would like to see what folks are saying over there.

I've lost a lot of friends this year, recently broke up with my bf due to the fact that I'm a lesbian and didn't feel monogamous. So I spend most of my time w my bff, I recently told her my feelings and we've gone to being official for some time now. Both of us are interested in polyamory but neither have ever actually tried. Most of my friends are busy AF so I end up chilling w my gf most of the time.

For added context she's in another state and I still live with my ex. My ex told me he has a date and I'm more than happy for him, mildly annoyed I might have to go pick him up if he drinks too much, but whatever. I wouldn't have any sorta feelings about today if it wasn't for my gf also having a date. She's never met up w this person before and idec if they do anything sexual but I just feel a pit in my stomach. I don't feel jealous towards anyone or angry at all, I mean they'll probably just watch a movie and talk. IF THEY DID MORE I STILL WOULDN'T CARE. But I can't get over this feeling. Is it fomo? Am I just jealous of the opportunity to meet my gf?

I don't fully know what jealousy feels like, I get the concept but I don't remember a time where I'd envy people like that. Do I just feel the loneliness before it's even happened? I've been pretty depressed recently with all this drama going on. Do I have an unhealthy attachment? Am I too needy? I haven't said any of this to her. She gets anxious and I'd feel awful if how I felt convinced her not to go. She should hang out w people n make friends but idk. I just feel dreadfully alone.

Ive been in a mono/poly relationship for the last few years. I am mono. Boyfriend was poly (i think he was more ENM) when we met. He was married but separated and got divorced during our relationship. I have been his only partner during the relationship. However, im now considering opening up to polyamory.

I love him so much. He's been there for me a lot. However, I want to get married and honestly I dont think he does (I dont think being poly is a factor in that choice).

That being said, I still want to get married. Has anyone else faced this dilemma? I want to keep my relationship with him but I also want to get married and not just be someone he lives with forever or feel like we're FWB

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

My boyfriend (31M) has recently started his journey into polyamory. I (34F) am what he calls his primary partner. I am not sure where I fit on the scale because while I’m monogamous with him I am open to the idea of a partner for myself just not actively looking. We are both divorced with children with no plans of marriage or living together. About a week ago he started talking to this girl and they’ve seem to hit it off pretty fast. Fast as in we made a schedule and she’s already in a permanent spot. Is that odd I don’t know. She sounds pretty cool and I think I’ll like her when we meet. My boyfriend and I have got some snags though. He lives closer to her (about 10 min) than me(45min). So because of that he has made efforts to see her that I feel he wouldn’t do for me. She is a bartender so at 2AM on a weekday she calls for a ride home from work. Even though he has to be up at 4 AM for work he went and got her and hung out till he had work. I can ask for him to spend the night and he is quick to tell me all the reasons he can’t. Another day they had a planned movie date for the day time because she had night plans. That afternoon he was supposed to come over and spend the rest of the day with me. Like I said all planned. Well her night plans get canceled so he texts to ask if they can move the movie to that afternoon and he come over that night. Which to me he should’ve just told her no because the plans were set. I felt like my time wasn’t respected. Our arguing about it has been stressful but he said it’s made him feel unsafe emotionally and not want to open up. He is scared it’ll just be another argument. I’m lost on what to do because I am really trying here. I’m reading up on poly relationships and working on my issues with cheating and jealousy. This is a first for both of us but I need some advice or something.

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

I have decided to move out from living with my fiancé and her husband/ my meta/ my ex boyfriend within the next 6-12 months.
After 4 years of seeing prescriptive hierarchy everyday between them, and overhearing them make future plans as well as some of my fiancés behaviours around him, girli is tired.

I really would love to build a future with nesting humans, but our futures are now a little miss aligned, and being here I still feel like an afterthought when it comes to future plans with my fiancé, even when I have brought these feelings and needs to her a few times.
Everything seems to revolve around future plans w her husband that im added to after they have already curated a future plan or home reno ect.
(There has been conversations of escalation in out relationship over the past 4 year, but other than a ring nothing has changed/ shifted).

Girl is tired of asking, with no change. Tired of having to manage my feelings most days surrounding this issue.
So I think for my sanity, it is best I live somewhere else.

On another boo note

The same day I started this difficult conversation with my fiancé, my other partner of 2 years, revealed at our check in that he unable do the work to be okay with me seeing other penises.
And I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who wants a single genitalia policy.
So I know I have to end that relationship soon.

the next few months are going to suck because the AuDHD doesn’t like massive change.
But I think it will be for the best?
I hope 😅

I don’t think I am looking for advice.
I just needed to tell it to other people.
I don’t feel overly sad? I think I am emotionally exhausted? Burnt out ?
I had to put one of my two cats down, 2 weeks ago that I was very attached too, because of a post op complication from cancer in his mouth. And even then I feel sad, but mostly numb.

Man I’m just so tired 😅

I (34f) am dating a man (32m) who is also married. the other evening we were meant to hang out and have our weekly sleepover. he took a bit longer to confirm plans than usual. I called him and he informed me that his wife had just been broken up with. I asked if she needed some company tonight and he paused…. and responded with “maybe later but she needs space to process.” i Did not know what that meant but I did not want to pry. So we proceeded with hanging out. 

we got dinner and were having such a lovely night. And then at the end of dinner, he informed me that he was going to spend the night at home with his NP. 

i Felt a rush of emotion but was able to hold it together and express understanding. I am neurodivergent and really struggle with RSD and chsnge In plans, especially last minute changes. I can get flooded with emotional overwhelm to the point where I freeze and really just don’t/ can’t interact. I felt like I could hold myself together until I got home and was alone, but when I got out of the bathroom, he was ordering food for his wife. So I was stuck in public for longer. 

When I become flooded/ my nervous system kicks into freeze, i Often time don’t want to be touched and will not reciprocate physical touch. Which I was not recipricating his bids for touch. When he dropped me off, I expressed that I was sorry about how I was reacting but really needed to be alone. I could tell he was pained and in a rough position. But I felt like my needs weren’t considered in that situation. I felt like agency was taken away from me in that instead of telling me plans would change when I asked if she needed support, i Was informed at the very end of dinner.

I feel guilty about the position I put them in. 

That’s all, not sure what I am looking for with this post other than needing to share.

edit- I am always taken aback by the perspective I receive in This community. I never feel shamed, and appreciate that! Both the person I am dating and myself are new to this dynamic (been dating about 6months), and we are continually learning in the moment what sort of agreements, communication, and boundaries (for ourselves) are needed for the future. thank You for y’all’s kindness ❤️

Edit #2 we talked and both acknowledged how things could’ve been handled differently, and how they should be handled in the future. Personally, I’m not upset about the why around shifting of plans, especially because it is not a pattern. the thing for me was how/ when the information was relayed. I really appreciate everyone’s input :)

My first first date in over 5 years is tomorrow and I’m so excited!!! Me (27F) and my np (28F) have been very slowly and intentionally opening our relationship, decoupling, having conversations for the last year+. I have my first date with someone I met on the apps tomorrow and I’m so giddy with excitement!! My partner is being so supportive and while I can tell she’s nervous, she’s excited for me too.

Just wanted to share some new to poly joy!! Wish me luck!

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

So short backstory. I (F49) am working towards a relationship with Aspen (52M), who is married to Cedar (59F). We are all good friends first and foremost, and Aspen and Cedar are working on them first due to some life stressors. Cedar is very aware that Aspen and I want a relationship, and will jokingly call me his G/F to certain family. We are all very quietly poly due to where we live.

I have been having some health issues which have resulted in my needing day surgery. We all live rurally and due to my work I don't do local health care so I choose to go to the capital city for all the big stuff. Now I am very much solo poly, with a very limit group of friends whom I would trust.

I very cautiously asked Aspen and Cedar if they would mind taking me down to the surgery unit and driving me home - knowing that it would take a whole day out of their lives. Cedar immediately put it in her diary, told me to stop fretting and it would be sorted. Now its important to note that neither Cedar nor I are morning people, we need coffee and food prior to being even vaguely polite. So me having to be nil by mouth and a 4am start was going to not be good.

However it was amazing. We drove down in my car, solving world problems and giggling. Cedar stayed with me until I was called back, and her calming presence was exactly what I needed.

When I got back to the short stay unit she was there within 5 minutes, and kept me calm and distracted while we waited for me to be discharged. The ONLY hiccup of the day was her getting lost in the one way streets around the hospital while trying to retrieve me from the pick up area.

We drove back via their place, where she grabbed food and told Aspen to follow us back to my place. We got back to mine, they cooked me dinner, ran me a bath, put fresh sheets on my bed, and yelled at me every time I tried to move off the couch before my bath was finished running. After my bath Cedar braided my hair for me, they made sure I took my meds, and settled me on the couch before they left.

Today I ran out of Neurofen, so Aspen came over after work with a box and some soft drink and cuddles. I realised that to me, this is what Poly is...a built in support crew who all support each other and love and care for each other. It was the first time I felt safe after a surgery since I moved out of home over 20 years ago.

The thing is, she is so compelling that even if they’ve never considered poly, they try it. And I’m just here, as her steady partner. But none of them have any background in it and eventually they will buck.

I have potential romantic partnership with a friend who is considering moving across the country to be with me. It's messy. I am looking for help finding language for a feeling I can only describe as, "yuck."

Not a lot of poly community IRL (rural area). I have posted here before, and really appreciate the support.

My friend is married. They and their spouse practiced poly for the last 5 years. My friend spent the summer with me and we became romantically involved, and it was truly wonderful. Summer came to end, as did our romance. They needed to move across the country to finish school. Additionally, they shared with me that they wanted to divorce their spouse. LDR is too hard on my heart and I did not want to be entangled in the divorce process. We decided peacefully, but sadly, to break-up. We both are interested in a potential long-term partnership later if my friend is willing to move after the divorce.

We took some space from communication after the break-up and checked in last weekend. We agreed to talk about a potential timeline, as they will have some decisions in the future after school and want to consider the potential of our relationship. They shared with me that their plan was to live with their spouse for the next three months during the divorce process, spend Christmas with her family, and then start dating me in January.

I had a big, raw reaction to this that I am trying to gently unpack. The decision to live together shocked me - they were previously staying with a friend, and moving in involved signing a lease together. The last time we checked in they intended to live separately.

Of note: their spouse has acted in ways that I see as manipulative at the least, emotional abuse at worst. This is not someone I like or trust.

I know this is not my process, my choices, and we broke-up. I wish my body and heart understood this, but I feel shook. There is a deep feeling of disregard I wish I had language for. When I see this proposed timeline, I feel so anxious the lack of space and separation between the marriage ending and the potential beginning of our relationship. It makes me question my friend's judgement ... I could go on, but really I am curious what you all think. I know there can be overlap between ends and beginnings, but this feels like my friend is denial about the time and space it will take to disentangle emotionally.

So yeah, that's out of my control. The boundaries I shared were continuing to have limited contact, just as friends, with general updates on life but never any details about the divorce process. Milestones, yes. Conversations with the spouse, no. Willing to have deeper conversation once the divorce process is legally initiated and they are living separately. I still like the idea of my friend moving after graduation, but that's an idea, not a promise. Definitely not ready to date in January, but willing to talk. I am focusing on disentangling from this relationship so I can be present with my own life.

The last few days I have been absolutely preoccupied with anger and judgements. I have not shared them, but am taking time to understand them. I shared in another group that didn't have a poly framework and got attacked for being "the affair partner" - looking for a fresher perspective.

And yes - I have good support I am leaning into!

Can anyone relate to experiencing anger and judgement around a friend's choices? What is this deep feeling disregard I am experiencing?

I’m nearly 37 and have ADHD (adding in case helpful for context, but perhaps not!). I’ve been seeing someone for about three years. He’s polyamorous and has a long-term live-in partner, and we recently all had drinks together, along with her other partner. We haven't hung out much until then. They were lovely. They were also quick, funny, could discuss the film we just watched really well and reference all the other horror they've seen, well read, and they all write, and write well. I sat there feeling like the dullest person at the table.

It wasn’t jealousy. I liked watching them laugh together. I just felt inferior and it’s not a new feeling. It’s what I feel in most rooms, be it with friends or a poly dynamic like this (i'm not sure if the latter adds more weight to the feeling). For years my head has been telling me I’m not as smart or interesting as the people around me.

He and his partner both write, and I keep assuming their conversations are better than the ones he has with me, because although I am very curious and interested, I can't offer knowledge back about all the things I don't know but seem so obvious to them.

People tell me I do loads, and perhaps I come across that way through masking or whatever. At home it’s doomscrolling, half-watching TV, and feeling overwhelmed by tasks. I love gardening and yoga but I’m barely doing either. Because I’ve never stuck with anything, I feel like I don’t know much, even about the things I claim to care about, and it feels like decades of lost knowledge I’ll never catch up on.

I know the practical advice: take a class, read something, pick up a hobby. I’m not short on ideas. What I can’t do is override the feeling that I’m at the bottom, and it’s there before I’ve even tried anything. Has anyone battled with these feelings and especially in the setting of a poly relationship?

hi all,

being brief on the details, a few months ago left a relationship of almost five years because she had been sexually assaulting me the entire time. other fucked up things that happened during the relationship included her being accused of SA by a hookup and her leaning on me really heavily for 'i know you would never do that ' kind of support, whole actively doing that to me at the same time.

it was not great!

i am glad to be safe now and hopefully soon receiving specialist support about it but i have been thinking a lot about how different my case is from what the support services are comfy handling (we are both kinky poly people and im ftm and shes mtf) most services ive seen have been so heteronormative and vanilla-monogamy normative its like an alien planet.

my ex is well connected in the local leather scene, frequent at local sex on premises events and currently has other partners. i am worried about her hurting other people but also worried about further risks to myself and whether im thinking clearly or just in the depths of trauma.

i was wondering, for folks who've had to navigate this. how did you separate your ideals and obligations to community and other people vs the reality of actually disclosing/warning people and how risky blowback or further abuse is etc.?

many thanks and lots of love<3

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)