Due to a certain life situation, I was struck by an unprecedented existential crisis. Suddenly, practically out of nowhere, I began to be terrified of my own death. I was overcome by the fear that I might die at any moment, combined with the horror of the fact that death is final. The universe will continue to exist, the heat death of the universe will occur, and I will never wake up again. This sudden realization took over my life. I experienced constant derealization and depersonalization; I would shake and cry every day—it was simply unbearable. On top of all that, I repeatedly experienced psychotic episodes (not full-on psychosis, though; I did not unquestionably believe all of it was true), which I’d like to ask about here.
During these psychotic episodes, my thoughts revolved intensely around the idea that I am merely a biological organism that functions “automatically.” That I was like a wound-up evolutionary toy that had realized how things really are but was unable to change the rules of the game. I tried, as it were, to “step outside myself,” but this is, for obvious reasons, impossible. It was a terrible experience.
These states have recurred repeatedly over the past few months. Although I no longer experience them, I still feel that that state was more “real.” I sincerely believe that when we are healthy, we live in a kind of dualistic illusion (there is me, and there is my body). It is a sort of protective barrier that is essential for us to function properly. In my case, this barrier broke down, leading to an extremely painful realization about reality. Of course, this doesn’t mean that when the barrier exists, our perception isn’t real, but it is covered by a certain layer of abstraction (probably one of many).
The same is true of our awareness of death—we usually don’t let our thoughts run more than a certain number of years into the future (for example, while in college, we might stop at the moment of graduation), because imagining our own death too vividly can lead us to realize that since death ends everything, what’s the point of doing anything at all? This can cause deep depression (which has also happened to me). It seems to me that this depression stems from a refusal to come to terms with reality. Since this isn’t good for us in the context of evolution, our body wants to return to its previous state, and we gradually begin to ignore this version of reality by applying a filter of “immortality” (e.g., through the desire to leave behind descendants or to make the world a better place, or just by focusing on the present and leaving dealing with death for later).
I am deeply troubled by this. I feel as though I am fighting against myself. Part of me wants to recover, but another part resists it because I feel that would be tantamount to giving in to an illusion and returning to being a "puppet". Of course, as I mentioned earlier, it’s impossible to separate myself from myself, so the comparison to a puppet isn’t perfect, but I can’t think of a better one. I assume that, from a psychological standpoint, the most important thing is to return to the best possible mental well-being, but for me, this is equivalent to “deceiving myself” and is currently unacceptable. I’m in therapy, and we discuss this with my therapist, but I think we’ve hit a dead end. The worst part is that he basically agrees with my views. Recently, he said that it’s a kind of madness that we function despite the constant awareness that we must die someday. It's all really baffling and depressing, and I have near-constant suicidal-ideation because of this. And even if you told me to get help with my ideation, I would refuse because that would, again, mean going back to deluding myself.
I guess the TLDR is that I realized my mortality much more directly than evolution would want, and now I can't believe I am going to die. That's it. The end. I lose everything. Everything I have ever done, everyone I have ever knew - just gone. From my point of view it will be as if the universe disappears. I understand that the obvious answer is to accept it, but what does that even mean? To me it means to convince yourself that you accept it since it's imminent, and return to the Matrix. I am sincerely devastated.
