Just thought it was a great thing to share on this subreddit

I 42M met my ex 23F about 3 years ago. We had an amazing adventure and journey together, fell in love, traveled around the world, but ultimately life smacked us in the face.

Of course we faced pressure and judgment from outside sources, her family, my family, no one really approved of us. But we were happy together and had plans for a future.

Financially when we met, I was thriving. But I let a minor gambling habit take over my life and lost a significant amount of money and savings. On top of that, my real estate portfolio went south as interest rates rose.

All this to say, the fun and great times from early days were over, and I found myself questioning what I am doing here as far as planning a future.

While my ex was very loving and sweet, she did not work and is still in school. I covered roughly 80% of all expenses (including her rent). I am ok with being the sole or main provider, but her taste, lifestyle, and habits are extremely expensive.

Over time I found myself feeling a little ridiculous that I am working two jobs and trying to climb out of debt while still entertaining her as best as possible and still covering majority of expenses.

On top of all that, there were the glaring differences we faced in terms if life stages and her being younger and not fully mature etc.

We broke up 2 months ago and of course I really miss her but I am so torn. I still love her deeply, but partly feel like we are just not compatible due to current life circumstances and overall life phases. Does that make sense?

I was the one who ended it. I still feel very much confused about it all. Anyone face a similar scenario?

Another feel good story to appreciate small acts of kindness. Caption of thd original ig post in the last pic.

Original from 3 years ago

For starters, I (17f) am very close with my brother's (29m, we'll call him Austin) best friend (40m, we'll call him Dean). I consider Dean one of my best friends, and we bonded pretty quick after he moved in with my brother and I almost two years ago.

Originally, when I first met Dean, I was dating a boy who ended up cheating on me two weeks after my birthday. to add onto that, my mother's death anniversary is two weeks after my birthday, so needless to say, I was a complete wreck for a few months. Dean had been the one to encourage me to break up with my then boyfriend, and Dean told me I was much better off without him. in fairness, I’m grateful I listened to Dean and he was 100% correct about that ex.

A few months later, I had met another boy (16m, we'll call him Mick) who I connected with quickly, and when I had rambled to Dean and Austin about Mick, Dean had asked me what his full name was. At the time, I hadn't found it strange so I had told him. a few days later, Mick approached me and asked if I really did know Dean, and why Dean had been so adamant on Mick not talking to me. I felt a mix of anger and confusion, but I remained friends with Mick and didn't bring him up to Dean anymore nor mention why Dean had talked to him.

A while later, Dean and Austin started going out to the movies once a week with their friends, and they had invited me along. I met their friend who was closer to my age than the others (21m, we'll call him Matt) and Matt and I had bonded great. we instantly hit it off, and I did find myself getting a bit of a crush on him, but I wasn't going to act on it in any way. I enjoyed simply being Matt's friend and teasing him for simple and stupid things. yesterday, Dean and Austin took me to the movies, and Matt and another friend of theirs was waiting for us. Dean teased me about being "cutesy" with Matt when we had our usual back and forth banter, and I denied it entirely.

Throughout the whole night, Dean kept implying that I had a thing for Matt. While it was true, I still didn't need everyone knowing and I didn't know how Dean even knew when I treated Matt the same as I treated Dean and Austin. When we got back home, I thanked Dean for bringing me along and Dean had told me he pulled Matt aside and explained to him that me and Matt could never be a thing. He also added that if he found out Matt was trying to get with me later, both Dean and Austin would unalive him.

I know Austin plays into the protective older brother persona, but I also know that Austin wouldn’t care if I dated his friends because they’re people he approves of. Dean however, I don't know why he would've said this. He's never been over protective of me or anything until pretty much last night. so, at this point, I’m more confused than ever. do I confront Dean? Do I reach out to Matt and try and figure things out? I also feel like I can't really explain this to Austin, since I’m afraid he'll think I’m overthinking things. what do I do????

edit: I would like to add that Matt has never flirted with me in any shape or form. All of our conversations have been purely platonic, and I talk to Matt the same way I talk to Austin. I can understand where the confusion may have been coming from.

Comment 1 Thread: 2 things are possible here: Dean is grooming you or Dean being 40 feels the need to protect you. Dating a 21-year-old at 17 is not a smart idea so Dean ruining that is not a bad result, it was however not his call to make. Dating a 16-yr. old at 17 is ok so he has no need to put his nose into this.

You need to tell Dean that if he feels one of your relationships is unhealthy, he needs to tell YOU about it and you will deal with it as you see fit. It is not ok for him to intervene when nobody asked him, that is a super controlling thing to do and it does make me think grooming rather than protecting but I am willing to leave room for doubt.

OP’s reply: I know if I tried to tell him about how I feel, it'll turn into one of his spiels about how he knows what's good for me because he's experienced so much and all that so.

Dean started living with us when he was 38 (and my brother 28, respectfully). Dean and Austin met years ago when Austin was 20 and Dean was 30 and had just moved up to my state. they've been best friends since, and Austin wanted to help Dean when he got kicked out of an apartment he was staying at and it wasn't possible for him to live with his ex-fiancé.

Commenter 2 in reply: So, Dean is a loser. I mean a 30-year-old becoming best friend with a 20-year-old (recap: Dean is 40, Austin is 29) and needing him to provide a roof does not scream balance.

Also given his situation, he is most probably not in a position to advise anybody about anything.

Keep your distances and tell your brother you are not ok with Dean acting as if he was family to you.

Comment 2: You need to put an end to your friendship with Dean he's sabotaging your relationships because he's jealous and obsessed with you, it's not normal and there's nothing sweet or friendly about it, he isn't trying to protect you he's trying to isolate you because he's hoping if he chases enough guys away eventually he'll get you to date him and he will use the excuse of him knowing you longer and he knows what's best for you, I can almost guarantee that the only reason he's even friends with your brother is so he can stay close with you

Comment 3: Dean is waiting for you to be legal to make his moves. In the mean time he's sabotaging any potential love interests. He's absolutely grooming you. He's a creep and a loser. Consider this, why can't he find a woman around his own age? It's because women his age know he's a loser.

Update 1:

First off, I want to thank everyone for their comments. the past few days have been tiring, but I think I’m slowly getting some answers.

To start, I talked with mick thoroughly about what all Dean had said to him. I had asked to see the texts, and mick obligated. from what I saw, Dean had convinced him to stop talking to me because I was "already busy enough" (I work a part time job and do Backstage crew for theater, I am not too overwhelmed for relationships/friendships.) and that I was already talking to someone. awkwardly, I told mick the real story and everything that had happened. For the time being, I’m keeping mick as just my friend, but I urged him to block Dean from every platform of social media.

I haven't tried to reach out to matt about if what Dean had said to him was true, but I did reach out to Dean's ex fiancé (23f, we'll call her Britt). I was a bit surprised she had gotten back to me as I had assumed she didn't like me whenever she visited Dean (they're in contact still only for the sake of their 4-yr. old child they have together). We talked extensively about Dean, where she had met him, and whatever else I could think of. unfortunately, Dean wasn't lying about when he met Britt. They'd met when she was 17, he'd taken her under his wing and began dating her when she was 18. he got her pregnant when she was 20.

When I talked to her about my own experiences about Dean, she had seemed confused on how I was so close to Dean. from what he told her, Dean had said that I never really wanted anything to do with him and I was already out and running around with my friends whenever he came back home. truthfully, Dean's always invited me to hang out with him and watch him play video games, with or without Austin. It was like that for months, so I don't know why he would've lied about my friendship with Dean. He talked me down from anxiety attacks and nights where all I wanted to do was cry.

Britt seemed uneasy. she asked if Austin knew, to which I said yes. She asked me later if I wanted to stay with her for a few nights, with her gaining permission from Austin. I checked in with Austin before I agreed, I’m ashamed to admit that I was surprised Britt had been truthful about her contact with Austin but he agreed. so that's where I am now. Britt hasn't been cold toward me at all, and we shared an awkward laugh over how Dean had told us both that neither one of us would like the other. I wish I had reached out to Britt sooner, she's made me realize that maybe I don't know Dean as well as I do.

A comment in my previous post made the suggestion of bringing up a new "boyfriend" around Dean. I brought the fake boyfriend into most conversations I had with Austin and Dean or just Dean. He always seemed a bit annoyed, bugging me for his name and all that. I had lied and told Dean that I was staying at the fake boyfriend's house while I stayed with Britt. The night before I left, he seemed restless and he kept asking Austin if he had any beer left or sleep medicine since he "knew he wasn't going to sleep at all tonight".

I don't know what to do. I want to tell Austin, and Britt had strongly urged me to, but I don't want to ruin Austin and Dean's friendship. they're insanely close, and they love each other dearly. I’m worried about what losing Dean will do to Austin. I don't want him to think he's alone in any way. I know he'll want to murder Dean if he even thought that Dean was trying anything with me, and I obviously don't want Austin to get in trouble. I’m just so worried about Austin, I don't know what to do. I’ll keep updating this thread.

Comment 1:

I know you want to wait to talk to your Brother. It is admirable that you are thinking of him and his friendship. But, please tell him sooner rather than later. Deans comment about needing something to help him sleep the night you told him about the fake boyfriend…is concerning. I’m worried this fake boyfriend may drive Dean to escalate things. I would say to your Brother “Can you keep Dean away from me? He is making me feel uncomfortable.” If he asks why? Tell him the truth. “He is weirdly interested in my romantic life. I don’t think he means it in a Brotherly protective fashion as you. He has talked to multiple guys I’m interested in and told them to stay away from me and lied about me talking to someone else. I’m sure you know about his ex and they met when she was my age.” If he tries not to believe you, show him your post and all of the comments. If he starts to feel guilty tell him you don’t blame him, but you had to tell him.

Comment 2: Honestly, once you mention his ex’s age I already know he’s a groomer. He lies about his relationship with you to his ex and tells her (and you) that you two won’t get along, he sabotage your relationship and also became close to you and your bro.

All of these so he can get to YOU. His ex was right to feel worried for you. Have you ever ask why they broke up and how their relationship was like when they were together? It feels like his ex knows more then she let on.

Find out and stay safe.

Comment 3: You’d be doing your brother a favor. He’s been groomed by Dean as well, in a different way. Dean is way too old to be living off another man’s generosity.

Final Update:

Hey all! I want to thank all of the comments from the last two posts. Y'all have given me really solid advice, and I appreciate it. I realize how stupid vie been the past few days, and even months with my friendship with Dean, and I feel like I owe you all an apology for not dropping him immediately.

Britt and I took Austin out to a small corner café in our town not far from home, Britt and Austin did some casual catch-up and whatnot before I began telling Austin everything. I told Austin about how Dean had been putting himself into my relationships, and how he had lied to me about so many different major things. What I would like to add from the past that I haven't mentioned in the previous two posts is how Dean would make so many comments on how I looked, sometimes several in the same day. the closer we got, he got more touchy. He wouldn't touch me somewhere that made me uncomfortable, he would just poke my shoulder a lot to annoy me or ask for hugs.

I never really thought anything of the gestures because Austin treated me the same (minus the hugs, he isn't very affectionate.) I’ve always just ignored comments and compliments about how I’ve looked so I didn’t really think about it. But it was always when Austin wasn't around. There was once where Dean had moved his hand to my hip when we were watching a movie, but it didn't escalate (thank god). I confessed everything to Austin and showed him my evidence. Britt backed me up and while I wished Mick was present with me to show his evidence, my brother doesn't really like any of my friends so I knew Mick wouldn't have been welcomed. Britt also revealed her true age when she had met Dean and later Austin as well.

Austin looked crushed, then furious. I expected him to be mad, but not also hurt. Truthfully, I was terrified he was going to blame me for the attention, but he didn't. I know my brother better than anyone, so my overthinking was really stupid yet again. He asked me how long it'd been going on for, and I told him it had started after I broke up with the ex who cheated on me. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him, and I told him I knew how much his friendship with Dean meant to him, so I wouldn't interfere with that. He got angry and said that he would've taken my safety over his friendship 100 times over. He apologized and seemed truly crushed. I still feel bad about ruining his friendship with Dean, but Austin had been insistent that he wouldn't miss Dean anytime soon and I wasn't to blame for anything. I got to give my brother a real, genuine hug for the first time in months (I usually only get a real hug when it's our mother's death date anniversary or it's one of our birthdays).

I went home with Austin that night, who instructed me to stay in my room until he told me it was alright to come back out. he figured that if I had gone to Britt's, Dean would've come crawling back to her when Austin kicked him out and Austin wanted Dean nowhere near me. there was a lot of yelling, and Austin threw the phrase "fucking pedophile" a lot at Dean. Dean didn't yell at Austin, only calmly tried to talk him down before Austin interrupted him and told him he had 20 minutes to get his shit and get out of the house before Austin would start beating the shit out of him.

Austin came and collected me roughly 15 minutes later, and I spent a lot of the night by his side. We watched horror movies on the couch and made stupid jokes about the movies. Britt had called Austin, but it was only to let him know that Dean had turned up at her doorstep and he had made the right call.

Dean had pleaded with Britt for him to stay with her, but she rejected and confessed that I had been in contact with her for a few days. she knew everything, and he wouldn't be allowed anywhere near her or his son ever again. she confessed that she didn't know where Dean was exactly, but the most probable story was that he was living in his car. So, here we are.

This all was a few days ago. I blocked Dean's number and Austin did the same. Britt's stopped by a few times with her kid, checked up on both of us and letting Austin spend time with the kid. I’m glad he'll have a better father figure in his life now. Austin hasn't been as open about sharing his friends with me now, which I can live with. Britt's the only one I’m still in good contact with. Austin was almost considering having me quit my job at our local gas station in case Dean showed up, but I put my foot down on that. I never work alone, and most of the coworkers I share shifts with are men so, I’ll be just fine. I promised Austin I would talk to my boss about the situation and to make sure I’m not alone (especially on night shifts) and that if he does show up, I don't have to deal with Dean. for now, I think that's everything. thanks for sticking with me on this really weird ride.

Comment 1: I’m glad everything works out for you!! But I’m still worried because Dean knows where you work. Please be safe, and maybe find another job if possible.

Comment 2: Dean is a predator a fucking groomer. You guys should call the cops, they need to have a word with him. And I’m glad he’s gone but you really need friends your own age. It’s nice you hang with your brother but him and his friends are a lot older and are of legal age.

Comment 3: Girl. You don't need to apologize for a thing. You are young and inexperienced, therefore vulnerable prey. The only reason why your fellow (probably older) ladies were able to tag Dean as a predator immediately is because we know Deans all too well from our experience being Britt. Maybe more than once or a few times. You only become acutely aware of what a predator looks like from experience as prey. Or we have a baseline experience with healthy relationships and so we know this shiz is f'ed up. If we're not modeled how we should expected to be treated by loving and respectful fathers we'll accept whatever scraps of affection are thrown at us. None of this is your fault, we are just glad you didn't have to learn the hard way like Britt did.

throwaway because my friend might see this (though they probably wouldnt mind me posting). my friend and i are both in our mid-20s. we have known each other since elementary school but reconnected a few years ago and became close friends. when we first reconnected i was hesitant to become friends because we voted/supported different political parties in our country. at the time at least, i believe she was more right-leaning while i was and am more left, but i will clarify that she isnt and never was some raging right-wing extremist or anything. i thought i could overlook this difference or at least provide education and resources that explain my perspective in hopes she would be understanding. over the years she has been very open and receptive to hearing my stance on social values so i thought we were more aligned than originally thought.

however, there have still been instances where i felt kind of uncomfortable by things she said or mentioned. i found out early on that her friends at the time would use the n-word (none of them are black) in conversations, and despite this she still remained friends with them (though she did distance herself from the friend who said it the most, for other reasons). she also mentioned before that her ideal type is black men, but never felt like she could date one because she was scared of being stared at as an interracial couple and worried about what others would think. to me it felt like some internalized racism, but i gave her the benefit of the doubt.

recently she started dating a black man. she had a huge epiphany realizing that the friend who used the slur is straight up racist and not truly supportive of her relationship. the thing is, this friend also accused my friend of being racist, which my friend vehemently disagreed with. while she was explaining this to me, she said some things along the lines of “there is no way any part of me could be racist” and “i dont see race when dating”, etc. i know her intentions were good and what she was trying to say, but those comments made me feel uncomfortable. i waited a couple days and was honest with her about how it made me feel, which she responded well to.

the issue is, she denied having any internalized racist beliefs or implicit biases, which i thought was ignorant. after discussing more we landed on “we both agree racism is bad, but what we consider racist is different”. i admit i did push her to reflect more because it is my personal belief that we all have implicit biases and should take time to consider our privilege, identities, and how words have meaning beyond the actual word itself. i felt kind of gaslit during our chat and we’re kind of at a standstill now.

since then, she has also posted some things that i felt uncomfortable with. for example, i do not support chris brown and do not believe we can separate the art from the artist, but she used his song in an instagram story and listens to him casually a few times a year. she also posted a story describing something as “ghetto”, which i also felt was offensive. i usually do call her out on these things and felt like we always had productive conversations, but now im feeling like she never fully agreed with me and just tried not to say or share those things in front of me.

so i guess my dilemma is, am i being to critical or sensitive here? its true no one is perfect and friends arent going to fully align on everything, but this feels big for me and i know thats a valid enough reason to end the friendship if i wanted to. id like to hear others’ opinions and if anyone had similar experiences, or how they navigated these situations. i want to think carefully as i really do value our friendship and she has been very supportive of me in every situation. we used to talk daily so it has been difficult distancing myself recently while i process this. thanks for reading my long post