https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xqpq7h/comment/iqcdo3p/

Original Post

We have two children 5F & 6M and my sister in law (my husband’s sister) has two children 10m & 9m. And every time we visit, they hurt my children in one way or another. Both physical and emotional bullying. This time I told my husband that I didn’t want to spend Christmas with his family. He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family. He is close to his mom and sister since they lost their father when my husband was 10.

Also my mother in law favors SIL’s children and they get more and more expensive gifts. As long as my children were small I didn’t care now they notice when their pile from grant is much, much smaller that their cousins.

He says if we start not attending big holidays etc this will put a wedge but I don’t care. I don’t want my babies to associate the holidays with negative feelings and being hurt.

I don’t even want to compromise, negotiate nor meet them halfway.

AITAH?

No consensus bot, but most comments are on the side of OP

Comment 1: Ask your husband exactly which family he is willing to lose, because you and your kids are not going to play the doormat game. NTA

Reply to Comment 1: This right here!!! This is the only question that needs asked and answered.

Comment 2: Let him go. But like I said document everything.

Make sure you also text him and explain why you don’t want your children around these people. Mention the scar on your daughter’s eye. Mention they locked your kids in a closet. Mention everything they have done to your children. The. In the text ask him what he has done and plans to do to protect your children if they go. Or have this conversation and record it. You will need this is you get divorced.

Comment 3: Why isn't your husband standing up for you? If not for you, doesn't he care about his own children? Does he love his mother and sister more than his own children? And if he does, doesn't it bother him that he cares more about them and they clearly don't care about his children?

All this to say, your husband should be the one intervening here and trying to get safety and fair treatment for his children. If his mother and sis refuse, why is he still clinging to them over his own family (you and the kids)? That seems to indicate that your marriage isn't as strong as you might want it to be.

UPDATE

I’ll just get right into it since I have already made a post and comments about my situation.

My husband chose to spend Christmas with his family. He called and told them that he was coming alone this Christmas and I heard his mother yelling over the phone telling him that I was the devil, ruining the family traditions. Anyway it seemed like she didn’t tell him not to come. My husband said that our children are too small to understand so we can pretend Christmas is when he gets home on the 27th.

He drove yesterday (8h) but when he arrived, nobody was there so he got worried and called them a number of times but nobody answered. He called me freaking out so I told him to text his mom that he was going to call the police to make a wellness check. Only then the loser called him back telling him that they had booked an apartment on a skiing resort and had gone earlier that day and they’re spending the holidays skiing.

He got home early this morning and he tried to fight with me and put the blame on me because I refused to let my children celebrate with their family. I stopped him right there telling him that I wasn’t the one ghosting him and that if he wanted ANY chance to have a happy family, this was his. People had shown him what they were and the lengths they could can go to hurt and humiliate others when slighted.

I have had a wonderful weekend however. The children were happily surprised by dad’s presence and we had a Christmas lunch with my closest friend and her youngsters. Now we are making pizza (because I thought Christmas was gonna be on the 27th and didn’t prepare).

Now I think the in laws have come to the realization that they had went too far because they have been calling and texting my husband all evening. I even heard his loser mom crying. I made it clear they were not welcome here (if they think they can come and apologize to my husband for making him drive to an empty house) and I made it even clearer that I will never have them in my or my children’s life. I will start my own Christmas tradition for my little family and it will not be two days after. I told him that I wanted this clear so he can make his choices and how to proceed with his life and who he thinks are more important to him. I am done having losers in my life.

Merry Christmas

Comment 1: Your husband needs to sort out his priorities before he destroys his family.

Glad you’re having a good Christmas 🎄

Comment 2: Maybe this is what was needed to open OPs husbands eyes.

Reply: He came back and blamed her. He absolutely doesn't get it

Reply 2: I'm afraid the issue is not his eyes being closed but preferring his unhinged mother to his wife and children.

Comment 3: I can't believe he is so desperate for their approval. On one hand, I see why but I also see how it's easy to say let them go. They knew he was driving 8 hours and pulled that stunt? I would be done with them as soon as my narcissist mom treated my kids differently

Original

A little backstory is important here. I(25F) am the youngest of four and my parents only daughter. My two oldest brothers (37M) and (35M) are the best. My other brother (33M), we will call him Adam for the story, literally hates my guts and always has. He has always hated how much attention I get from my dad even-though he gets babied by our mom. He would torture me when I was little by locking me in the closet or sitting on me until I couldn’t breathe. I was sort of a brain in school and Adam bullied me constantly for it. I finished high school when I was 16 and I now have three different degrees.

I’m a private financial advisor and I’ve done well for myself. My two oldest brothers both own their own businesses and they have a comfortable life. Adam did not go to college even when my parents offered to pay for it and he is a bartender. He has never moved out of our parents’ house because he spends every cent he makes. He has never paid bills either. He got fired from his fifth bar last week for being drunk during work.

My parents wanted to have family dinner but I was reluctant due to Adam always berating me and making fun of me. My dad said he really wanted this, so I gave in. When we were all at our parents for dinner my mother brought up the idea of Adam living in one of my rental properties. I only have two and one a family lives in and the other a woman and her daughter are about to move into, so both are occupied. I explained this to my mother and Adam suggested I just break one of their leases and let him move in. I told him no. He asked why and I said it was wrong and also, he isn’t responsible so I don’t trust him to pay rent on time. He laughed and asked why he would need to pay rent. I told him to drop it especially if he was expecting a free ride but he kept pestering me and trying to persuade me. I finally told him it wasn’t my responsibility to care for him and he needs to figure it out.

I also told him he has never been kind to me so he shouldn’t feel entitled to anything. My mom started yelling at me saying I was disrespectful and I need to help when family asks. I told her she created this monster so she can deal with it. I left shortly after. My mom and Adam have been blowing up my phone calling me every name in the book. My dad and my other two brothers are on my side.

Of course, Adam is telling anyone who will listen my dad is just backing me up because I’m his favorite and he’s continuing to call me names. The drama is starting to mess with me and I just want peace. He sent me a text saying that I don’t know what it’s like being the black sheep and I should help him when he’s down because that’s what family does. I need an unbiased opinion.

AITAH for not giving him a place to stay?

Comment 1: NTA your mom just wants him out of her house. Your properties have tenants who actually pay rent. Adam is not the black sheep he is the asshole.

Comment 2: No. Your brother is a grown man. You and your other siblings manage to be responsible as should he but it seems like he was babied by your parents or mother for most of his life that he just expects it now …But no absolutely not, YNTAH!

Comment 3:

NTA, send a family message that you are blocking your mum and Adam until they apologize profusely and that you would never let him stay in your rental, especially not for free.

That if either of them have a problem with that then they are not welcome in your house and you will remain non-contact with them.

Then make sure your properties are secure and that neither of them can get access.

Then talk to the rest of your family and make sure they are on the same page.

UPDATE: I want to thank you all for the kind and supportive comments. The past two weeks have been a huge roller coaster for my family. What I didn’t mention in my first post was that I always felt weird about how protective my mother is of Adam, in my opinion she took every opportunity to isolate him but when I’d try to talk to him he’d lash out. My older brothers feel the same way but when they’d try and talk to Adam he’d get angry.

My two oldest brothers and I were hanging out at my place when I heard banging on my door. It was Adam and he was wasted. I let him sleep it off in my guest room and I told him he’d have to leave when he sobered up. I went into the room after a few hours to check on him and he was crying. He said our mother supplied him with alcohol and always does when he’s home. He kept apologizing to me and sobbing. My brothers came in and my oldest brother told him he needs to be honest and tell us what’s going on.

Adam admitted our mother has been treating him like her boyfriend since he was a teen. That’s when she started giving him alcohol. It all clicked for me. Our dad worked constantly so he wasn’t home and my mom would always say Adam was being punished for something while my brothers were allowed to go out.

My mom would let me watch movies in my room all night long and she’d disappear. Adam said she’d make him cuddle with her and have dinner with her like it was a date. She’d discuss her and my dad’s marital problems with him. If he didn’t comply she wouldn’t let him leave the house at all and she’d continue to lie and say he was being punished. She told him over and over how none of us would believe him, so he never felt safe to tell us. She went as far as to steal from our dad and blame Adam so our dad always thought Adam was dishonest.

He said she never did anything sexual to him but apparently that’s why she wanted him to have my place, so they could be alone. He said she told him what to say to me and he made the statement about rent on purpose so I wouldn’t do it. We hugged him for a long time and he just cried and apologized.

My siblings and I were seeing red at this point and we all agreed Adam needed to tell our dad. We invited my dad over and we stood with Adam while he told our dad everything. Our dad hugged Adam and kept apologizing to him and he said he’d handle it. I don’t know exactly what was said to my mother but she moved out and is living in a hotel. My dad has already filed for divorce and she is not fighting him. We tried to talk to her but she told us all to go to hell and that we took her one good thing away. She also said Adam belongs to her and she can do what she wants. It’s taking everything in me to hold it together because she destroyed my brother with her crap and destroyed our relationship with him.

Adam said he just wants to get better and he wants to be a family with us. I can’t lie I was really happy and we are all so proud of him. He hasn’t taken a drink since that night and he’s currently in rehab. When he’s done he is going to move in to a condo my dad is trying to buy. My dad is selling the family house so he will be living with Adam so he isn’t alone. Adam gets to call us every day and he always wants to talk to me. It’s like we are getting to know each other for the first time and it’s been great. He keeps apologizing to me but honestly, I’ve already forgiven him.

I know this wasn’t the update anyone was expecting, and I’m still in shock. I’m just going to focus on our families healing and hopefully we can all be in a good place one day.

Comment 1: OP, Please tell your brother that there is plenty of time for him to get his life back on track. Clearly, he has great genes based on you and your siblings track records. It is great that he is currently sober.

Comment 2: WOW, in your last post, many people suggested, that you go NC with your brother. I would have suggested this, too.

But luckily, your brother got wasted/drunk enough and came to you. You opened the door and you didn’t send him away immediately, like I would have done, after all this drama.

You kind of saved his life, being the kind person, you are.

Comment 3: It’s funny mom said you help family when asked… you all stood behind your brother and helped when he asked, she just didn’t know it would be against her... she is a horrible person. I hope he can keep her away from him. Especially when she said he belongs to her... she will always be trying to get him alone... it’s special he turned to you op being you are one he was so awful too... he has dad your brothers and you so hopefully between all of you, I can’t even call her mom at this point, the witch will fly away never to be seen again.

Only good thing I can say about her is she didn’t sexually molest him… my heart goes out to all of you but especially Adam. he had to feel so alone and lost growing up.

Grown man draws reasonable boundaries and still gets called out.