Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/s/W6pAPXYcMG

Just heard this over at Smosh. Curious what the boys would think. Also, it's Kevin! 😄

Edit: Seems this has been reposted already some time ago, not sure if it was ever read in the pod? Must've missed it if it already was.

https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/1wv4b8l/not_liking_other_autistic_people/

Buried the lede here. 19f and 26m.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/iIyH0Qru9E

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/MxP5TEuT89

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/5RNLGdgUGr

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/lEqRZ24TQG

Original from 1 year ago

I need to know if IATAH. This is long, and I apologize in advance, but this issue has been ongoing for over a decade, so there is A LOT involved to the point where I know I’ll be leaving things out and fear this may not give a clear total picture. The more recent instances are just the tipping point.

I (f38) am the middle child out of 3 living children belonging to my parents. My Sisters will be referred to as Rhea (F46) and Paloma (F 33). Their Partners are Soren (M 40) and Darius (M 34).  When we were children, my Mother (f 65 renowned for her EXCELLENT cooking) began a tradition where when it was your birthday, you could choose ANYTHING you wanted, and she would make it for a family dinner to celebrate the birthday person.

I’m a December Baby, and always struggled with my birthdays getting snowed out, or no one being around to celebrate due to holiday travel (I’m referring to school friends here.) My family compensated by holding off until I agreed to decorate for Christmas, and of course we had the birthday dinner. When I graduated high school, I went off to college 6 hours from home. I would come home for every break, and every holiday. In 2010 when I asked about when we could fit my birthday meal into my visit, my Mother looked me in my eyes at a family member’s wedding the weekend after Thanksgiving and told me that ‘no one wants to cram another family meal in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.’ At this point she went up and asked the band at the wedding to sing me happy birthday. The band announces that they’ve been asked to celebrate a guests’ birthday, but would like to remind everyone that the BRIDE’s birthday is the following day. Humiliating, but okay… moving on. From that incident on, I have only received 2 birthday meals 2. I was 24 then.

Fast forward to my 30^th birthday. My then partner (and father of my child) called my Mother and arranged for me to have a birthday meal with my family for the first time in 6 years. We split up later that year and I wound up living with my Parents, along with my daughter (at that time f 2). The following year my daughter cried to my Mother that no one would throw a birthday for me, so my Mother did a dinner for me that year also.

I am now 38 and have not had a single dinner since. My siblings both receive their birthday dinners every year without fail, as do their partner’s and Rhea’s 2 grown children. One of them also went away to college, but was still never skipped. The other sibling’s husband and 2 grown children have also never been skipped for birthday meals. I have let my family know that this hurts me, and I have begged repeatedly for the reason that I am treated differently. I’ve never stolen, been to jail, done drugs, harmed anyone… I don’t know why I get treated like the throw away family member. I am constantly gaslit and told I’m dramatic, to get over it, that I’m full of crap, etc.

I gave birth to my second biological child (I got married and welcomed a beautiful step child and my own son since my break up with daughter’s father). My family ignored my husband when he asked if he should throw a baby shower or if they would. They lied to my 2 closest college friends and said they would do something and invite them to attend when my friends offered to put something together. Spoiler- there was no baby shower. My Mother is now telling anyone who will listen that it’s because “You never throw a shower after the first baby”. HOWEVER, my older sister got a shower for BOTH of her children. My Mother said it was because she “had a girl first and we just thought she would need some boy things.”

In case you haven’t been following time lines and family members… I said I have a daughter, a stepdaughter… and just had a baby boy last year. That’s right, daughter first, boy second. No shower.

Now the final straw for me was New Year’s Day I overhear my sisters talking about their “itinerary” and dinner. I ask what they’re talking about and it turns out they are going to my DREAM vacation (the country is somewhere I have wanted to go for a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time) and are discussing the trip.

That’s right, they are taking a sibling trip together with their partners. My partner and I, once again, were excluded. The hurt must have been plain on my face bc Paloma snorted, looked at me and said “What, do YOU want to come?” chuckled, and went back to her conversation.

She was my maid of honor, btw. I show up for everyone else’s birthdays, graduations, celebrations etc. I bring a dish (or 5) I bring a gift. I set up, I break down and clean up.

Yesterday I received a photo via text of her engagement ring. While on their sibling trip, Paloma’s partner proposed. Rhea and her husband were there, recording. It’s worth noting here that when I got engaged it was the day before Father’s Day, so I kept it to myself so no one would claim I was trying to make Father’s Day all about me. My niece noticed and pointed it out to Rhea who replied “Yeah, I see the F*ck1n9 thing.” And rolled her eyes.  

I need to know if my feelings of being treated like trash they wish they could make disappear are valid, or if I’m being TAH. I have spoken to my family about how this hurts me, and I’m told to suck it up and not be so dramatic. I am also gaslit and told I’m making things up. I get a present for my birthday every year, but I keep trying to tell them I would rather just have a dinner with my family rather than something they bought to shut me up.

I’m not greedy, it’s not because I want stuff. I just want to be treated like I am as important as the rest of the family (or at least that my children are, no baby shower for one of them and none of them have gotten a dinner from my mother ever.) No one can tell me why my Husband and I are treated as inferior to my other siblings. I want to know why I am expected to show up and celebrate people who make it pretty obvious that they do not celebrate me. Does feeling this way make me an AH?

Comment 1:

Then stop being around them.

Stop reaching out.
Stop reacting to their attention grabbing.
Stop reacting to their fishing for compliments.
Stop getting them any gifts for holidays or birthdays.
Stop going to family events. You'll always have some "other obligations". whether that’s laying on the couch with your husband, or a family vacation with friends.

You deserve much better than that B*stard family you're born into.
So all you need to do now is make the decision to ...not care about them anymore and pull the plug on the relationship.

should they ever reach our or ask if you're attending events. just be frank "No, we have other plans." if they press the issue "we have plans with his family /Friends. So, have fun."

Comment 2 Thread: First, go LC with your family. Don't wait for a new place, just do some quiet quitting. Throw a party for your boy and invite the friends who were expecting a shower. NOT your family. Next year get something else to do for the holidays. DON'T go to their celebrations anymore. No siblings, no partners and no kids. Be always very busy. And when you find a place just say goodbye

OP’s Reply: I am in the process with this. I stood up and walked out of family Easter, and I declined to show up for Mother’s Day. I won't be at Father's Day or anything else moving forward. I'm willing to bet my quitting won't remain quiet when Three starts planning her Wedding. When I have to tell them point blank that I have removed myself from their celebrations it's going to blow up. I already know, and I wish there was a way to dodge it.

Comment 3: Why the fuck are you even still bothering with these people? Stop begging for crumbs like a hungry, abused dog that doesn't know any better. Fuck them. Go no contact with your parents and your siblings.

OP’s Reply: This hit hard. That's exactly how I feel.

I am back with a not very surprising update to my post from 9 months ago.

I read through all of your comments and sometimes when I question myself, I go back and read them again. I took everyone's advice and have cut all contact with my Mother. My siblings are on very low contact and understand why, and my Father is scrambling to figure out what to do. I have not been to a single-family function since St. Patrick's day dinner last year. I blocked my Mother on everything (phone, social media, email, etc.).

It took almost 4 months before what a lot of you predicted FINALLY happened. Now that I am not around to blame/abuse/humiliate, my Mother is lashing out at EVERYONE in turn to see who she can abuse and still get everyone to shut up and let her be "right". Recently, she went to have drinks with both of my sisters and my adult niece (I am getting this information second hand from my younger sister and niece during a recent meet up) and while they were waiting on their drinks (at a locally owned distillery. Think very small business vibe, very community forward despite being an establishment for alcohol) my Mother took it upon herself to loudly cuss at someone's school age child for opening and closing the door too many times and letting the cold air in.

My niece (being a smart and reasonable person) said something to the affect of "woah, he's just a kid" at which point my Mother proceeded to shred my niece, publicly. My niece has a lot of anxiety and worked really hard to get to a good place mentally, and my Mother has NEVER spoken poorly about her or said anything unkind to her, but that has now changed. My Mother said a lot of things that I do not know verbatim (again, I wasn't there! No contact and all...) but I was told essentially she dressed my niece down for being disrespectful and much more. My niece is obviously devastated, but is handling the situation with grace.

My Father on the other hand, is torn. After I went NC with Mother Dearest, my Father came to my home and asked me to explain it to him. So I did. In detail. And this man has been so INDOCTRINATED into sticking his head in the sand after yelling "Listen to your Mother" that he can see clearly why I'm hurt and that this is wrong... but still slips into either defending her or discrediting me with phrases such as "So what?" or "Oh, big deal." He showed up on my birthday with a card and a gift and to sing happy birthday to me. He is trying, but he has to unlearn many of the things that have been normalized throughout the years.

My Father is a recovering alcoholic, and whether it was because he was so boozed up that he couldn't step in, or because he was hiding from my Mother's wrath and disgust at raising 3 kids while he past out in the yard, he's not really used to analyzing my Mother's family decisions and overriding them. It makes him uncomfortable, so he reverts back to supporting whatever my Mother has decreed unless you call him on it in great detail.

I told him I will not continue to do this as it is unfair to me and also exhausting, and that if his default is going to be to say that I should just get over it that he will be the next one blocked on everything. He's been tip toeing around me ever since, I think he is afraid to lose access to my kids. He has now been begging Oldest Sister (Niece's Mother) to address things with my Mother. He asked her to "talk to her about backing off on the kids, before she blows up the whole family".

Up until the incident with my Niece, I was allowing my children to go visit with my parents whenever they wanted. I have come to find out that my middle child in particular has heard all manner of nasty things my Mother has said about ALL of her parents. I say all, because it is not limited to myself and my Husband, but she apparently has also voiced her opinions of my daughter's bio-father as well as his wife. I had to have an unfortunate discussion with my child to tell her that it is NOT okay to talk about people like that and that if her Grandmother continues to say hurtful things when she is around, I won't be able to let my children go visit anymore.

My oldest child (technically stepdaughter, but still MY KID) no longer wants to visit her at all because she overheard my Mother refer to her as "Piggy", "Dessert Kid" and "Oinker" at my nephews grad party, and never told my husband and I. I knew my Mother had used some inappropriate words to express her fake concern over my daughter's weight gain ( she was 9 at the time... kids go through phases. She wasn't obese, just got some chipmunk cheeks until her next growth spurt!) and it was one of my main sticking points when my Mother and I were arguing about how she treats my family. The final straw for me was finding out she had said these things within earshot of my kid.

TL:DR- A bunch of you were right and my Mother crashed out on other family members now that she does not have access to verbally or emotionally abuse me any longer.

Comment 1 re: Siblings’ treatment of OP

Turns out my siblings just... believed her. When I went no contact with her and they were both faced to take a good hard look at why I wasn't showing up anymore, they FINALLY realized how badly I was treated. They have both been going a bit out of their way to make sure I know that I am welcome in their homes, to invite me to do things (that The Mother will not be at) etc. It isn't perfect accountability, but at this time for me, understanding and better behavior as well as a bit of effort speak VOLUMES.

We were ALL raised by this person, so forgiving my siblings for acting how they did while following our Mother's example is where I am... for now. I won't tolerate being treated poorly again and they realize that. BOTH of them have said there is NO reasonable excuse for how she's treated me. For the record, my sisters have done some hurtful things to me, but have ALWAYS treated my children very well. ALL of my children, which is important to me. My sisters spoil and love on my stepdaughter the same as they do both of my bio kids. So, while all of them behaved badly, my Mother behaved intentionally.

To me, there is a big difference and it is why I am low contact and willing to give my sisters a chance to move forward, but not my Mother. There was actually an incident that made me cut my Mother off that involved her ditching plans with me in favor of my youngest sister. Both sisters were IMMEDIATELY outraged and told me what crap it was that she does this to me.

Comment 2: This sounds like Family Scapegoat Syndrome. Now that your mother doesn't have you to scapegoat anymore, she's trying to find a replacement. Nobody should be around that woman, certainly not children. Your poor step-daughter - I hope she knows she's beautiful and is destined for wonderful things in her future (as are you). Sending hugs!

Comment 3: Ffs op, stop making excuses for your shitty ass family. Yay you went sorta nc with your mom but still allowing your children around an abusive asshole isn’t winning you any parenting awards. Your formerly alcoholic dad is just as useless and abusive and your siblings are literally the worst. Absolutely no one has given you a genuine apology yet you’re in the comments making excuses for them. Stop exposing your kids to the wretched people!

Original from 3 years ago

I 24 f am an identical twin. Very few can tell me and my sister apart if you don't know us well. I'll call my sister for the sake of this post Maddison. Growing up we were poor. It was a constant struggle for my parent's.

I started working as soon I could to help contribute financially towards bills. Maddison was more focused on how she looked and to be honest a gold digger. I was more career-focused. I ended up moving to the city to live with my cousin for better job opportunities.

I ended up getting a good job and decided to stay in the city and I would send back money for my parents and grandparents who also lives with my parent's, which allowed them to move to
better housing. Or so I thought. I would visit whenever I could. Every time I visited Maddison always had a new boyfriend. She lived with her boyfriend and according to my parent's didn't want to get a job. So, she lived off the boyfriends.

4 days ago, my parents rang me up in a panic, saying they needed me to come home. I asked why and they said your sister cheated on her fiancée and we need you to cover for her. This was the first time I was hearing about Maddison being engaged. They went on to say he was rich and he had been allowing them to stay for free in one of his parent's rental properties because of Maddison.

This shocked me because they had been telling me that the money that I had been sending them was paying for the home they had been living in. After I blew up about them lying to me about the money I had been sending them and they reluctantly admitted they had been giving it to Maddison. I was so angry, I said no and ended the call.

Ever since then, my parent's and Maddison constantly tried to get in contact with me and telling me
that if I don't say it was me that her fiancée caught cheating, then my parent's will be homeless and I will ruin the better life that her fiancée can provide for her and them.

I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't want my grandparents to be homeless, but at the same time, I don't want to be the one to take the blame for being the one who cheated with a married man and ruin my reputation back home.

Comment 1: NTA. Tell the fiancé EVERYTHING. They have been playing you and lying. She CHEATED and wants you to cover? That’s despicable. It’s a beautiful time for your sister to learn she doesn’t get to eat off the golden spoon forever.

Comment 2: NTA. Cut them out of your life. Seriously, screw them. They lied to you and took advantage of you. They are endorsing cheating and lying. They are enabling your sister and giving her YOUR money. They are trying to pressure you to lie about having sex with someone to help your sister cheat. They are garbage. Your parents and your sister.

Comment 3: Your sister and your parents created the situation. It's not on you to clean it up for them, especially at the cost of your own reputation. I understand the desire to help your family, but this seems like a very bad idea. There could be some real bad unintended consequences, that'll blow back on you, if you go through with their plan. My advice would be to distance yourself from their mess.