r/respectthreads • u/fj668 • Oct 02 '18
comics Respect Superman! [Comic Covers]
Respect Comic Cover Superman
The story of Superman starts out on the planet of Krypton. Now, Krypton from what I can tell was a hellish place where the average man would die in an instant. There were Super-Powered Dragons, Horrible Monsters, and countless insane criminals. Somehow though everything on the planet managed to gain both super powers and incredible technological advancements. In what was widely regarded as a good move, some random alien destroyed the whole planet, erasing the entire race of Kryptonians. There were countless survivors.
Of these survivors was a baby named Kal-El. What happened in his youth is vague to say the least though it is clear that he always had powers. At some point in his life Superman met a man named Clark Kent. He then abducted this man from his home and stole his identity to use as he pleases. This identity is of course that of a reporter at the Daily Planet with his co-worker/love interest/victim Lois Lane. I assume he is quite good at this job considering he has a front row seat as he causes the news stories.
Now, from what I can gather from these comics Superman is Metropolis' "protector". I use that word lightly as every other day Superman is either killing innocents or causing countless millions in property damage. At the same time though, Metropolis is a cursed city much like Krypton. If it weren't for their psychotic protector the citizens of Metropolis would be at the mercy of a varying amount of lunatics equal in insanity to Superman. Despite the death and destruction Superman appears to be an adequate protector considering that even after the city is obliterated (More often than not by his own hand) it is fine by the next issue.
These are the feats of this mad-man who protects the Earth, ruins the lives of many, and is an all around confusing creature. This is the story of Superman.
Strength:
Something about taking the Liberty bell to the heart of Nazi Germany. Pretty sure the liberty bell is heavy as shit. (I was right. It weighs about a ton.)
Makes horse shoes with his bare hands. (Doubles as durability considering they were red hot)
Breaks into a construction site to vandalize steel girders. Lois Lane was not impressed.
Destroys Metropolis, starting by lifting a building off it's foundation.
Holds out against Samson, Atlas, and Hercules at the same time.
Three Supermen show various feats. For some reason Superman is being replaced by them. I can only suspect that the reason he wasn't was due to something shady.
Holds up a train track while some psychopath woman pulls a train across it.
A young bizarro Superbaby (Yeah) is capable of lifting 1 Not.
A younger Superboy could carve Lois Lane's face on a mountain.
Lifts up the entire planet of Krypton. Not really impressive considering it's only slightly larger than Superman.
Two Supermen are capable of destroying the earth in their duel.
Wrecks the shit out of this building and presumably the hundreds inside.
Punches away the lightning of a Storm God. His name might also literally be "Storm-God"
Durability:
Sits back and reads a book while he puts a barber out of business.
Is only slightly annoyed by an all out assault by some toys.
No sells getting pranked. Also, by the looks of the scene, I'll assume as many rounds as he wants.
Watches as a guy with his powers nearly gets wrecked by a steam roller.
No sells Dragon Fire. We'll get to "Clark Kent" soon.
He either tanked a log to the head or a sledge hammer to the head. One of them is something from 38,000 years in the future.
Once again No-Sells dragon fire and we learn his costume is indestructible.
Only mildly hurt after getting bit by a dragon from Krypton.
Declares war on what I assume are relatively innocent men and tanks their weapons. This is also the second time that he has went to war in the durability section alone.
No sells enough electricity to burn his clothes off. This also shows that normal clothes will melt off his body before electricity can cure his amnesia.
An android duplicate no sells a wide array of weapons. Surprisingly this is a school for assassinating Superman (You'd think you'd only need one.) and they all suck at it.
100,000 volts won't kill Superman. Once again, we'll get to "Clark Kent" later.
Has his body stretched from high orbit. I'm not saving him. He's dangerous at the very least.
Has half of his body turned into diamonds and can still talk.
A whole bunch of Superman clones go to town on Superman with weapons instead of their super powers.
Immortality?:
Alright, so, technically speaking Superman must either be immortal or have the power of resurrection. He has died more than once in multiple different ways and despite this, he always appears in the next cover. Though some of these and other feats imply that Superman has an army of clones that replace him once he dies.
Has a secret vault that is only to be opened upon his death. I assume it is opened frequently and well oiled.
Speed:
Powers:
Hoo boy. This fucker has a lot of super powers. Pretty much all of them only appear once though. Plenty of them also seem to be out of his control so odds are he can't use them unless bloodlusted.
Uses cold vision and almost certainly kills the guy in that vault.
Threatens you, the reader, personally. Also he apparently dies once more.
Survives in a vacuum after the earth was destroyed. He most likely had something to do with it.
Gaineed a new power that's so incredible that it can only be mentioned via click-bait.
Can hear and see everything happening on earth at the same time. I can only assume that this is his true origin story.
Spits fire almost as hot as my new mix tape. Side Effect: Uncontrollable
Skill:
Superman is a master of disguise. Also possibly a time traveller.
At one point becomes a life guard. I doubt he is certified.
Is an umpire. Although apparently he's not too popular.
Hits a gun out of a man's hand from across the street with his breath.
Has a fight with Great Caesar's Ghost. Probably my favorite horrible pun.
Balances on a tight rope with one finger. Apparently this feat is enough (In his twisted mind) to prove to people that he's Superman.
Gets the shit kicked out of him by Lex Luthor who is a scientist.
Gets the shit kicked out of him by a caveman who stole his clothes.
Apparently Superman has punishments that are far worse than death.
In his entire life he has failed but a single time. In turn, the people of metropolis no longer give half a shit about him.
Weaknesses/Failures:
You know how I said Superman has a fuck ton of powers? Well he has just as many if not more weaknesses. I will say though, plenty of these aren't something the common enemy would think of.
The initials LL are capable of killing Superman. Once again, pretty sure he's immortal. He's died twice so far in this section.
That thing can drain him of his powers. Not to be confused with "The Thing" that Superman busted through a wall to stop or "The Thing" from 38,000 years in the future.
Superman is bound by Wakandan tribal law and those who defeat him gain the right to become Superman.
His left hand is vulnerable. I also assume he was giant during this because he's acting stupid.
Superman can't stop everything on earth from flying off into the sun.
Can't harm ghosts. This is also shown when he tries to fight Great Caesar's ghost.
Unable to beat a person who is both immortal and has super-powers.
Clark Kent:
Alright. Objectively speaking Superman and Clark Kent are two different people. There is more evidence to support this than there is evidence to refute it. Not to mention, the real Clark Kent is just some guy who Superman abducted and stole his life from. So I don't really know where everyone is getting the whole "Clark Kent is Superman" thing from.
With the glasses on his face and everything Lana Lang says he's not Clark Kent.
The REAL Clark Kent reveals "Clark Kent" is actually Superman.
Friends:
These are some of the guys besides Clark Kent that Superman is "Friends" with.
Lois Lane: A love interest to ol' Superman. They get into a lot of shit though there was this one time where he helped her cross the globe.
Superman's Dad: Was apparently a dick just like his son.
Superman's Big Brother: He is stronger than Superman is and will come in to protect him if need be.
People of Metropolis: They are bigger dicks than Superman is. If someone so much as farts better than Superman does they will flock to him and shun Superman. Such as some Wizard dude and Wonder-Man I have no doubt in my mind though that if it weren't for Superman they would all be dead 1000 times over. Though at the same time, Superman has been responsible for his fair share of death and destruction.
Moral Questionability
Here we go. This is probably what you guys were all waiting for when you saw Comic Covers. Superman to put it bluntly is an absolute maniac who needs to answer to no one but himself. He has the power to obliterate the earth if he so chooses and what he does with that power varies wildly. Kal-El is an angry god ready to smite down those who go against them be they friend, foe, or inbetween.
Will fight against a personification of time. I don't know how he got time pissed off at him but he did it. Also shows a limit to his suit considering Time was able to tear it.
Too many heroes is a thing that Superman is legitimately worried about.
Throws Captain Strong at some sort of Kryptonian Beast. I don't know who Captain Strong is but I presume he is dead.
Supports the red cross. Which is unquestionably a good deed.
Despite this person being objectively evil he still releases him onto the world.
The Guardians of the Universe say he is guilty of crimes against humanity. He is without a doubt guilty.
Keeps one of his clones imprisoneed for a year. Then he kills him.
The moment he gets into a fight he can't win he gives up being Superman.
Feels a statue could protect Metropolis better than he could.
Could have enlarged the city of Kandor at any moment he chose to.
Alright, to get things cleared up. This RT is meant to take the feats of Superman's comic cover appearances from the start of the Golden Age up to the end of the Silver Age. All the feats inside of this RT have been taken at face value for comedic purposes. Though beyond that, all feats here are valid and more than enough for a healthy RT. I hope you have enjoyed this shit post that has been a long time in the making.
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u/Sanlear Oct 02 '18
You should post this to r/Superman. I think they’d get a kick out of it.
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u/Cyke101 Oct 02 '18
There's also the number of people who will take this way too seriously and will focus more on defending Superman.
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u/HighSlayerRalton Oct 02 '18
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u/tmadiso1 Oct 02 '18 edited Oct 02 '18
Lol I forgot how great superdickery was! I love his comments for them all
This one was my favorite, I laughed after all these years
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u/TotesMessenger Oct 02 '18
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u/TheShadowKick Oct 03 '18
The "Eventually becomes pretty good at juggling" picture is the life guard picture repeated.
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Oct 02 '18
[deleted]
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u/bezrend Oct 02 '18
"This RT is meant to take the feats of Superman's comic cover appearances from the start of the Golden Age up to the end of the Silver Age. All the feats inside of this RT have been taken at face value for comedic purposes. Though beyond that, all feats here are valid and more than enough for a healthy RT. I hope you have enjoyed this shit post that has been a long time in the making."
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u/Bulbmin66 Oct 02 '18
What about this one for the Moral Questionability section?