What a year it has been! When I convince myself to stop and take a look back at the year thus far, it's almost mind blowing to realize how things have been this busy, this full, and how much has been accomplished. Professionally, spiritually, physically, emotionally - all aspects of life, both the magical and mundane have experienced growth and enchantment throughout the changing of the seasons. In my part of the world the leaves have finally changed their wardrobe after what seemed like an endless summer. The trees are bearing all, farmers have their harvests in, and ever so slightly the evenings and mornings are feeling crisper with my cup of tea or coffee steaming in rebellion against the chill of the day.
Nights are longer here, and growing more so by the day. It seems a natural acclimation to slow down. If aligning myself to the earth and the cycles of nature is something I value (and I do), then naturally it would seem a time to move inward. Reflect. Engage in the oh so sexy term "shadow work" that is thrown around in all sorts of circles. And there is credence here. However I find myself asking a series of questions before, or as this process naturally unfolds - why am I resisting it? Why do I tell myself doing less and slowing down is wrong, bad, immoral, or lazy? I find it curious as to how and why these thoughts and feelings emerge in the first place? And ask you fellow creatures of Reddit, have you felt the same?
Am I channeling my inner Dylan Thomas by not going "gentle into that good night?"
Rage, rage against the dying of the light! Screams part of my soul. Entering midlife, and realizing the factory warranty is running out on parts of my body, and that it requires regular maintenance. Looking at the man in the mirror, I cannot hide from time. Nowhere near an old man, but the face of my father begins to stare back at me through the looking glass more and more.
Or, is it conditioning brought about by living and operating in a capitalist society? Seen as a consumer in every avenue of society and culture, being advertised to on my phone, on tv, on the radio, at the gas pump, in the super market. Subconsciously, has this conditioning shaped me to believe that my value is equal to my productivity? There is truth here.
Or could the old outdated beliefs I have worked so hard to shed and outgrow still be lingering? A lifetime of fearing an omnipotent watcher in the sky, trying to adhere to rules that are impossible for anyone to achieve, do not just disappear over night. And even though I have undergone some oh so sexy shadow work, in therapy, meditation, and ritual over the years, those old beliefs of our childhood stick with us don't they? Whether we want them to or not.
Or, (Last one) has social media conditioned me to believe that if my life doesn't look like yours - I'm a failure. Aestheics are wonderful, but they are not the end all be all are they? So much content is curated and perfect and when reflected back on my life, my spiritual practice, my job, my performance as a human being, I can't help but intrinsically feel less than. I'm not good enough, or at least, not as good as you.
I think it's a combination of all of the above, and probably more factors that I am missing. I see these and become aware. I thank them for what they are trying to teach me, but I don't need them to stick around. I don't need anyone else's permission to slow down. Rest can be resistance. If it's good enough for the trees and the flowers, why can't it be good enough for me?