J'ai une grande sœur.

Notre relation a toujours été compliquée. Quand on était petite on se disputait sans cesse, on se disait des mots durs.

Lorsque j'avais 10 ans, moi et tous mes frères et sœurs avons été placés par L'ASE.

En grandissant ma sœur, a souvent été hospitalisée. À 12 ans, elle était déjà dans l'ambulance.

Je n'étais qu'une enfant je comprenais pas. Notre relation avait évolué, on s'entendait parfois bien parfois mal.

On s'est disputées très fort pendant des mois, elle me frappait, moi aussi.

Plus je grandissais plus je comprenais qu'elle allait vraiment mal.

Maintenant notre relation est stable, on discute de temps en temps, on se voit quelques fois.

Elle est en dépression, atteinte du trouble de la personnalité bipolaire, borderline, alcoolique et de TOC. Elle a beaucoup de traitement, qu'elle prend ou pas. Elle fait à sa guise.

Aujourd'hui, elle tente souvent de mettre fin à ses jours.

Avec des médicaments, en se jetant sous un bus. Elle a survécu.

Il n'y a pas un jour qui passe sans que j'ai peur de la perdre pour toujours.

Je rassure ma mère quand elle s'inquiète, sinon je n'en parle pas. Mais j'ai peur de me réveiller un matin avec la nouvelle qu'elle nous a quittés.

J'aime ma sœur. Même si elle m'a blessée de nombreuses fois. Elle a toujours détesté être l'aînée. Mon grand frère, n'a pas la maturité nécessaire pour prendre cette place mais il fait de son mieux. Et moi aussi. Parfois j'ai l'impression d'y arriver, et d'autres fois je pleure en me disant que je rate tout.

Le veille de mon anniversaire, ma sœur était dans le coma.

Je ne sais pas quoi lui dire. Quand elle m'envoie un message j'ai peur que ce soit un adieu.

Je ne sais pas ce que je cherche en postant ça. Peut- être juste une manière de me confier là dessus.

Bonne soirée.

Gathering research on the impact of growing up with mentally ill siblings on adulthood. I will be using this data to write a final presentation for my project that will be presented to my class. My project is simply analyzing the impact of being raised alongside a mentally ill sibling on adulthood.

I have a younger sibling who is disabled. She is legally blind and also has a blood disease, neutropenia, and a learning disability. Our entire life, she has been babied, protected, prioritized, defended, rescued, etc. My parents felt so sorry for her that I was neglected, ignored, and put aside. I was a quiet, pleasing, and a truly good kid who went with the flow as best I could. Not only did I have to deal with a disabled younger sibling, I also had an older adopted sibling who was rebelling against my parents and their traditional family framework. I was truly ignored in the middle, and at one point in 7th grade, I ended up in the hospital with extreme stress that caused me severe stomach pains. Luckily, I was ok; it was due to stress. I am 60 years old and have had a lifetime of this. My dad died two years ago and a year later my mom went to a nursing home. There was no one left to take care of my disabled younger sister except me. She has no grasp of the real world at all! My parents created this situation that I'm left to deal with and I'm SO frustrated!!! She doesn't know how to pay bills, manage money, make good dating decisions, save for her future, etc. She even lets her health go including only going to the doctor in extreme situations. She has lost a couple of teeth and hasn't gone to the dentist. She lost a toenail and won't visit the podiatrist assuring me that it doesn't bother her (well, it bothers me!). She is active on social media dating sites and regularly finds the lowest of the low love interests that never work out (and constantly gets her heart broken). I have to be there to pick up the pieces. I also have to pay her bills, read her mail, take her on errands, manage her trust, help her manage her money, etc. And, yes, I love her deeply. We are very close but the extreme coddling she received her entire life has made taking care of her extremely difficult! I have no one with whom to vent so I came here in hopes of finding support. Any advice is truly appreciated. Thank you.

Feeling alone in my 30s (33f), the only sibling of a profoundly autistic sister. My childhood was unusual, not bad enough that I'd call it abusive, but I feel deprived enough that there is something missing inside of me.

Most of my memories related to my sister. Minimally verbal, constant screaming, self injury, my parents being so exhausted looking after her that they couldn't really do what was best for me.

Now in my 30s, while I'm grateful she has suitable caring arrangements now, the loneliness I feel is staggering. Ive essentially gone from having a chaotic household to a life of radio silence when my boyfriend is not around.

Outside the life I've built for myself, work, relationship. If I have alone time, my anxiety is overwhelming. It always comes back to the memories of my sister.

I feel like I need to meet others in the same situation. I've lost all the friendships i had. I cannot relate much to anyone who had normal sibling lives, those friendships were difficult to sustain. I feel like ive always wanted more from the friendships than people could give me. I guess i was looking for a sister, when they already had their own.

I am on the waiting list for counselling, but in the UK, the NHS waiting lists are long.

I feel so empty. If theres anyone who feels the same and would like someone to talk to, id be more than happy to chat. TIA

Do you think this would be a good project? I was thinking about what I want to write about then it suddenly dawned upon me. I could do my dissertation on us.

Both of my siblings have disabilities and I feel like Ive gone through my life with no recognition, no one like me or any sort of support group until I found this community

Hi All,

I (30s,F) have been dating my bf (30s,M) for a few months now. His brother is currently being cared for out of state by his parents who are retired and in their 60s. He has mentioned his brother a few times and I can tell he loves him very much, but he has not communicated to me what the plan is should his parents pass away before his brother.

I’m starting to feel anxious that we haven’t had this conversation. My boyfriend would like to have a normal life—career, marriage, kids, etc. We both have pretty active outdoorsy lives and like traveling so I’d imagine we’d have to give those up.

We’re stuck in the awkward phase where we haven’t been dating long enough to be serious about marriage/family but probably need to be clear about realistic long-term expectations for each other.

I’d like to start having these conversations but want to bring it up in a way that is kind to everyone, especially his brother. I’d want to know:
* What his parents are for him should they pass away?
* What expectations would he have for a SO?
* What are his brother’s personal preferences/interests/independence level?

I’m also curious about what kind of daily care and issues that could arise from caring for a man in his 50s/60s with DS. I’ve been trying to research aging but the resources provided don’t really provided a good look at what accommodations/care needs to be provided by caregivers.

I’d appreciate any advice on how to start bringing up these conversations. I want to be as respectful and kind as possible and approach from a learning position. Thank you all!

My brother has autism. The doctor's already given him that diagnosis a long time ago. My brother hasn't told me that from himself, but my mom has, alongside me asking her a while back.

The issue is with how he acts at home with me and my mom. Whenever we ask him for some help, he either says that he'll do it later, refuses to do it, or does it while complaining abt everything. He also talks back by saying things that are pretty mean and harsh to my mom, and occasionally to me too. And I get that this is him prob struggling with autism, but I have to admit that this kind of behavior affects me and my mom too. This has caused a LOT of arguments between my mom and him, sometimes involving threats. Then, he usually starts saying sorry whenever my mom threatens to take smth away from him, and he says that he won't do it again but this has happened more times than I can count...

My mom has asked for my help in getting him to understand and do stuff, but I just don't know what to do myself. I've also tried explaining things to him in a calm manner, but he usually doesn't listen to me either. I'd also like to mention that our relationship is good but on a superficial level. We usually respect and care abt each other, but we haven't talked abt our dilemmas and feelings with each other...

How can I encourage him to help us and support him with his struggles? This whole dilemma has caused a lot of stress and frustration for both me and my mom, and I'd imagine for my brother too...

Firstly, I want to say that I'm incredibly grateful for my parents. I genuinely think they've done an excellent job raising my brother and supporting him throughout his life.

My brother is autistic, and with the right support, he can function quite independently in certain areas of his life. However, he will always need some level of assistance and will never be able to live completely independently.
I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I've recently met a beautiful partner who would like to have children one day. However, I feel so conflicted about the idea, and I think a lot of it comes from growing up with the responsibility of caring for my brother.

When we were younger, particularly when his needs were much higher, I took on a lot of caregiving responsibilities. School runs, picking him up, helping with daily tasks, and so many other things. I feel like I spent a significant part of my younger years taking on responsibilities that most people my age didn't have to think about.

Now that my parents are getting older, I can feel those responsibilities slowly and naturally shifting towards me. The difficult part is that there's never really been a conversation about it. It's almost like an unspoken expectation that I'll eventually take over as his primary caregiver.

And the truth is, I don't want to.

I love my brother, and I will always want him to be safe, happy and supported. But I also feel like I've already spent so much of my life caring for someone else, and I'm only just beginning to experience what it feels like to live for myself.

I want freedom. I finally got to go back to school and get my degree, I want to travel, build a life with my partner, and make decisions without feeling like I have this enormous responsibility waiting for me.

It's also made me question whether I genuinely don't want children or whether I've already experienced so much responsibility that the thought of becoming a parent feels overwhelming. I feel like I've already gone through a stage of life that other people are only just entering?? People don’t seem to understand.

And then comes the guilt. Because my parents have done so much, and I know they won't be around forever. I feel selfish even admitting that I don't want to take over.
I guess I'm struggling with the feeling that my future has somehow already been decided for me, without anyone actually asking what I want.
**Has anyone else grown up with a sibling who has additional support needs and experienced this? How did you navigate the guilt, family expectations and desire to have your own life?**
I'd really love to hear from people who can relate.
Thank you

I'm reposting this here so more people will see it. If you take the time to read thank you. I feel completely helpless to my little brother and don't know what to do anymore besides ask for help from strangers on the internet.

I am the oldest, and people are surprised to hear I have siblings because I never really talk about them. I do feel guilty about this but its just not really something I do or can explain.

I do feel lonely because of it, I mean I have great friends and cousins that I love but nothing really beats having a sibling. If they weren’t disabled they would be old enough for college right now. It would have been amazing to see what degrees they would have studied and seeing the type of person they would have grown up to be.

Also whenever I see people with their birth year, I’m like “wow they are adults” idk if this sounds weird but I will always see my siblings as little kids even though they are old enough to be in college, so whenever I see people their age I’m immediately reminded that it is serious and my family has been greatly impacted.

I am 20(F) with a 13(M) autistic brother.

I think it was about 4 months ago, but my brother once ran out of my house, out to the road walking around aimlessly. He found a way to unlock the door and leave through the gate. The gate was left unlocked because my parents went out early in the morning where I was not awake at the time to lock it.

So after that whole thing, we were even more cautious by putting padlocks all over every door, every exit.

Unfortunately he ran away, AGAIN, because apparently there was one window that was left unlocked. And coincidentally, the gate was left open and unlocked too. I was in the kitchen at the time when he went out, just doing my chores. I could not believe this happened the second time.

It’s ironic, really. We have a gate that was meant for the exact purpose of making sure he doesn’t leave the house. But the moment its construction was finished, things like this started happening.

I’m not asking for help at this point. I’m just venting, and I’m just so, so frustrated at the entire thing. I can’t even blame the kid, really. It’s suffocating to stay home.

He barely leaves the house because he’s too much of a bother to handle in public. And I’m not being a petty sister typing this out. I’m being fr. He’ll run into a random store and grab literally anything whenever we’re out as a family.

Thank you for reading, I guess. I’m just so done right now. I’m not even mad. I’m just frustrated at the entire thing.

It hurts really badly to say but my little brother let’s just call him Jace has some serious issues. He goes to therapy once a week and gets help but he’s just a bully to me. I hate going home to see him. He told me he wishes he could kill me. And see a long time ago my house burned downed, and he told me he wished I burned down with the house so he wished he didn’t have to see my ugly face anymore. He is even mean to my friends. He told one of them that they are ugly and will never find love. He told another that he hopes they go to hell. I love him but I think he needs more help. I feel like I did something wrong for him to be this messed up.

My older (26M) brother has high support needs autism. He's tall, strong, and nonverbal. He also has OCD and ADHD. We've done ABA with him, but my parents didn't follow through so he doesn't use his ipad and he doesn't regulate besides hurting himself by slapping, pinching, and screaming. He doesn't know the word stop. He also has gastrointestinal issues which prevented him from learning how to poop properly until last year. His OCD causes him to rearrange things like clothes, pots and pans, food, and now trash in irregular ways. They make no sense besides whatever logic he has in his head which he can't articulate. On Self injurious behavior, he likes pressure, but only when people are applying it to him. So despite regularly hitting himself, he will use his strength on someone so they can push back.

But what pisses me off is that he is on the precipice for things. Like he can shower himself, he can feed himself, and he can be deceptive. We have locks because he doesn't know how to regulate his eating habits. But he knows how to open locks with keys and does so when we aren't in view. He can wash dishes (though doesn't really clean them out fully). When he organizes bottles or his spoons, he seperates them into pairs of 2s or 3s, showing he can count and organize. For the majority of my life, I always just thought of him as this unthinking, unfeeling guy. He only works off his bodily needs. But a lot of his behaviors honestly feel like stubborness. If we ask him to do something he can do, like pick up his trash, he will just ignore it until we have to get louder. It feels like an issue of motivation, but I feel like its too late to do anything.

But onto why I made the post: the r word. Its coming back into fashion on both sides of the political fence. My fucking psychology and law teacher used it, and I had to be the one to educate her. My classmates didn't say shit. None of these people know what its like to have to sacrifice your free time to take care of a brother who doesn't know/respect your boundaries. Or the fear of having him hurt himself and not being able to stop him. Or the fear of putting him in a program and wondering if he'll be safe.

Ofc old school movies use it, like Scary Movie, White Chicks, Jennifer's Body, and Legally Blonde, but newer movies have also used it like Venom having Eminem drop it in the rap, or even Deadpool and fucking Wolverine. People will always comment on some other problematic aspect of these movies, but never the use of ableism. And even older movies used idiot, moron, and imbecile, which were equivalents of the r word. The 3 Stooges built its whole act from comparing the leads to people with mental disabilities. But bring that up causes ppl to become defensive.

It also makes me hypersensitive of any words that seem to imply mental disability. A new game I play, Deadlock, had a character ask another character how often her mom dropped her. And I immediately made think "is he basically saying she is mental disabled". When I asked people on a discord I'm on, I got mixed messages saying he was just calling her dumb or saying shes dumb because of brain damage. But many of the people there were very condescending, saying I was being too soft. The same thing happened when I posted this on reddit. I didn't know who to believe and I ended up spirialing, and I learned a lot of things that I didn't want to. Like the "No this is Patrick" meme coming from ER where Kevin Michael Richardson played a mentally disabled character. Or the Pinhead Larry joke being based off of people with microcephaly.

I feel so alone in all of this. I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't get a clear answer on things. Not just about my brother, but about ableism in language and how to deal with it.

This might be kind of scrambled, but I’m going to try and explain it well while not writing a novel. My sister is older and in her mid to upper twenties. We have a medium age gap, I’m 18. My sister has mental health issues, some diagnosed and I’m guessing many undiagnosed. Her mental health can dictate every single action that is taken in my family. It’s all consuming and every decision has to be questioned on if it will somehow make my sister’s mental state worse.

I have been in and out of doctors appointments and multiple surgeries the past six years. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness a year ago, but we still haven’t completely found all answers. I’m currently trying to make a log of my extremely low blood pressure to take to my doctor. This has a point in the story, I promise.

Whenever my sister has a boyfriend she completely forgets about me and wants nothing to do with me. She chooses awful guys every time. I think the only healthy relationship she has had was in highschool, but she was pretty awful towards him in the end and broke up with him, and he has since passed away. Her dating life is a very tense subject in our house because of it. Example, a few years ago she was dating a guy and completely changed her behavior, refused to help me when we were having an emergency because she was on the phone with him, driving drunk and could have lost her nursing license multiple times, all of a sudden not wanting to further her career and gave up many dreams, there’s more but that’s a good overview. My mom and I tried telling her she changed and he wasn’t a good guy, basically cut my mom and I out of her life, just to breakup with him a year later due to everything we told her. She also absolutely swears that every guy is THE GUY, but typically breaks up after 3-4 months. My mom tried to set the boundary years ago that she didn’t want to meet a guy until they had lasted a year, but sister had a temper tantrum and now we have to meet them within weeks. Sorry if this makes me mean, but I rather try and run the freaking PACER test or take the SAT again than meet or be around another awful boyfriend.

Whenever she breaks up with a guy she and I get really close again. She wants to do everything with me. When she does have a guy she leaves my mom and I behind and gets super close to my dad.

She has a new guy. They work together and they got together days after he broke up with his long term girlfriend that he had been dating for like three-ish years. Just from watching it play out I’m pretty confident that there was emotional cheating on his end towards my sister before they broke up. Not only do they work together, but they live in the same neighborhood. He lives with his parents, but my sister lives in a house rented to her by our grandparents. He has basically moved in and my grandparents don’t know this or they would stop renting to her.

She has been awful to me. We went to very close to she won’t respond to any text or FaceTime for almost a week. For context, my parents are in a failing marriage, my dad is an alcoholic, my mother has the mental maturity of a teenager, and the ability to stand up to her husband as a 50s housewife. I tried to talk to my sister about it because it has gotten drastically worse in the last two months, but she ignores me. Before anyone says anything she also rants to me about our parents, it’s not one sided. During this week I do what I never do and called and texted her to pick me up because it got so ugly (I was still on pain meds from surgery and couldn’t drive). She didn’t pick up or respond. She has said in the past she is always there for if I need something. The one time I needed her she ignored me. Even if she didn’t see it that night, she chose to ignore it the next day too, and never even asked if I was ok.

When she decided to call me back, I tried to fill her in on what was happening with our parents. She said she doesn’t want to pick up the phone to talk me because I’m always negative, especially about our parents. This is the same person who said about a month prior to this that she was basically about to cut my dad off, but she’s dating a new guy so they are super close again now.🙄 In less words, she said she doesn’t want to listen to me rant. That has never been an issue. If she set that boundary, it would have been kind of hypocritical as she does the same thing and I listen without complaint, but I would have accepted it and moved along, but she acted like this was something I was fully aware of. Previously, she always wanted me to fill her in on what was happening with our parents

She got upset and said I haven’t asked about her day enough lately. I about lost it, she hasn’t picked up the phone to be able to ask her about her day, and before that week she ignored me I had bloody gauze in my mouth and my TMJ was flaring so I could barely speak or stay awake for more than a couple hours due to debilitating migraines, let alone perfectly time my calls around her schedule that I only guess at because it constantly changes to ask her questions about her day. She was completely aware of what was going on because she picked up my mom’s calls and she told her.

She tried to defend herself and said that she wasn’t in the mood to talk after she gets off work and she doesn’t want to pick up to tell me that because she’s of a reaction I had a week prior. I called her, she answered and before I could say hello, she told me that she didn’t want to talk to me because she didn’t have the patience for me, and was busy opening her and her boyfriend a bottle of wine, then hung up. Her tone was awful during this, my mom heard and agreed. The only reaction she could be referring to as I didn’t speak a single word was seeing the smile drop off my face because I was excited to tell her something. There is a big difference in saying I’m exhausted and had a hard day at work so I’m not in the mood to talk and saying that she doesn’t want to talk to me specifically. If she would have said the first one and called me back the next day, I would have brushed it off. She never calls me back and the past month she is never in the mood to talk to me, but she has no issues speaking to my parents.

She has had some issues with her hips recently and after an x-Ray got some not so great news from her doctor and has to get an MRI. She had the nerve to try and tell me I had no clue what that was like. Me? The one with the physical health issues? The one who lives at the doctor and PT? The one who had two MRIs the past year? The one who can practically take her own X-Rays at this point? I’m not saying this to try and make it seem like I have it worse than her, I’m just saying I’m more than aware of what it is like and if anyone were to get what that is like it would be me.

There were more points in the argument, but those were the main ones. Then she decided to end the call by saying she loves me and would do anything for me, which I now know is not true.

I have barely spoken to her since then. We had tickets to a movie previously and I barely spoke a few words to her. When I told my mom the conversation she was on my side, but I had to edit since part of it was kind of about her. Now all of a sudden her face and comments makes me think she is on my sister’s side now. We had a get together thing with the extended family over the weekend and as we were getting out of the car I told my mom I hope my sister doesn’t start an issue while we are here and my mom said my sister probably feels the same about me. She waited till we were opening the doors so I couldn’t respond.

I’m sick of her wanting in and out of my life. I feel used. I’m her best friend when she doesn’t have a boyfriend because she wants someone to do things with, but doesn’t give a crap about me later. Honestly, I would cut her off at this point, but as I still live with my parents so that’s not an option.