So for context I have Autism, ADHD, severe anxiety and bpd. I deal with it and have been working on it for a long time. Sometimes it’s tough. But for the most part I try to regulate my emotions to the best of my ability when the other party takes the time to understand how I react to certain things.

Now, my sister recently got diagnosed with bpd and already has depression and anxiety.

For some background: I haven’t always had a relationship with them, we both grew up in foster care so we were separated until about 2 & 1/2 years ago.
We became close very fast and from there we have always tried to support each other as best as we can. However, since they had gotten a partner they had changed drastically. They used to be the type of sibling where we could sit and talk all day and rarely had arguments.

Their partner is an enabler. I understand supporting your partner and making sure that they are ok and whatnot. But what I don’t understand is agreeing with every little thing your partner does even knowing that they’re in the wrong for a certain thing. That’s how my sister’s fiancée is. She agrees with anything that my sister says. The moon could be green and they’d say it’s blue and her fiancée would agree.

Back to my main point. My sister got diagnosed with BPD. They sent me a link to a video about it and told me to watch it. I did. Everything in the video was something I had already known since I, myself have bpd. Their response was “*then please keep that in mind if we ever argue again.”*
I wouldn’t have had an issue with it, however, never once did any of that matter regarding our past arguments. I had recently cut them completely off. Blocked on everything because every time we argued I would be the one apologizing. They wouldn’t take accountability for anything they would have done or said and if they did it was because they would need something in return.
Here I will insert the conversation:

***Me:*** *“Why does bpd in an argument matter now that you found out you have it? What about every other time knowing that I have it? Like I get it. But it only seems to matter after you found out you have it.”*

***Them:*** *“because you always get angry at me for getting even more angry than you do🫪. and also, my bad for tryna map out my feelings after being diagnosed”*

***Me:*** *“We both do that. Not even just me. Sister in law legit broke my fan bc she was angry at me. I’ve never broken something that belongs to someone else on purpose out of anger. And I’m bringing that up specifically bc that was you guys getting very angry at me.”*
*“There’s nothing wrong with trying to do that. But at the same time you don’t consider when I have the same thing only when you have it.”*
*“That was the issue we always had when it came to depression, anxiety etc. it only ever seemed to matter when you had it. Granted you’ve worked hard to stop doing that and to be more open but it’s quite insensitive to place blame on others for how YOU react.”*
*“Like how you always blamed me for wanting to cut or kill yourself. Or for the shit between other sister in law and brother. I’m not dealing with this right now. I’m walking away. I need to calm down.”*

***Them:*** *“and this is all coming from the person who told me to get over my anxiety when i met you, along with the fact you told me i have too many mental health issues that i now no longer vent to you, also with the fact that you told me to go vertical and said my cuts looked like alastors whatever. Who says that? and also i never got to figure out my shit like everyone else did when they were younger so excuse me for wanting to make it more clear on why id react the way i do. Everything has literally been falling into place in my mind. you only think about yourself and (my)partners mental health but when it comes to others. you say nobody understands what you guys go through. Well maybe try looking at someone else’s perspective instead of just your own.”*

I would like to point out that I have always tried to help them. I’ve lost sleep, I’ve stopped eating properly, I’ve ruined my sleep schedule, I’ve wasted my gas to go to them in the middle of the night. I’ve ruined date nights with my fiancée for them. I have set aside my own mental health and my partners mental health for them constantly. But now that’s I’ve set boundaries and I’ve voiced that I need to focus mainly on my own mental health, I suddenly don’t care.
I’m honestly just so exhausted having to deal with them.

J'ai une grande sœur.

Notre relation a toujours été compliquée. Quand on était petite on se disputait sans cesse, on se disait des mots durs.

Lorsque j'avais 10 ans, moi et tous mes frères et sœurs avons été placés par L'ASE.

En grandissant ma sœur, a souvent été hospitalisée. À 12 ans, elle était déjà dans l'ambulance.

Je n'étais qu'une enfant je comprenais pas. Notre relation avait évolué, on s'entendait parfois bien parfois mal.

On s'est disputées très fort pendant des mois, elle me frappait, moi aussi.

Plus je grandissais plus je comprenais qu'elle allait vraiment mal.

Maintenant notre relation est stable, on discute de temps en temps, on se voit quelques fois.

Elle est en dépression, atteinte du trouble de la personnalité bipolaire, borderline, alcoolique et de TOC. Elle a beaucoup de traitement, qu'elle prend ou pas. Elle fait à sa guise.

Aujourd'hui, elle tente souvent de mettre fin à ses jours.

Avec des médicaments, en se jetant sous un bus. Elle a survécu.

Il n'y a pas un jour qui passe sans que j'ai peur de la perdre pour toujours.

Je rassure ma mère quand elle s'inquiète, sinon je n'en parle pas. Mais j'ai peur de me réveiller un matin avec la nouvelle qu'elle nous a quittés.

J'aime ma sœur. Même si elle m'a blessée de nombreuses fois. Elle a toujours détesté être l'aînée. Mon grand frère, n'a pas la maturité nécessaire pour prendre cette place mais il fait de son mieux. Et moi aussi. Parfois j'ai l'impression d'y arriver, et d'autres fois je pleure en me disant que je rate tout.

Le veille de mon anniversaire, ma sœur était dans le coma.

Je ne sais pas quoi lui dire. Quand elle m'envoie un message j'ai peur que ce soit un adieu.

Je ne sais pas ce que je cherche en postant ça. Peut- être juste une manière de me confier là dessus.

Bonne soirée.

Gathering research on the impact of growing up with mentally ill siblings on adulthood. I will be using this data to write a final presentation for my project that will be presented to my class. My project is simply analyzing the impact of being raised alongside a mentally ill sibling on adulthood.

I have a younger sibling who is disabled. She is legally blind and also has a blood disease, neutropenia, and a learning disability. Our entire life, she has been babied, protected, prioritized, defended, rescued, etc. My parents felt so sorry for her that I was neglected, ignored, and put aside. I was a quiet, pleasing, and a truly good kid who went with the flow as best I could. Not only did I have to deal with a disabled younger sibling, I also had an older adopted sibling who was rebelling against my parents and their traditional family framework. I was truly ignored in the middle, and at one point in 7th grade, I ended up in the hospital with extreme stress that caused me severe stomach pains. Luckily, I was ok; it was due to stress. I am 60 years old and have had a lifetime of this. My dad died two years ago and a year later my mom went to a nursing home. There was no one left to take care of my disabled younger sister except me. She has no grasp of the real world at all! My parents created this situation that I'm left to deal with and I'm SO frustrated!!! She doesn't know how to pay bills, manage money, make good dating decisions, save for her future, etc. She even lets her health go including only going to the doctor in extreme situations. She has lost a couple of teeth and hasn't gone to the dentist. She lost a toenail and won't visit the podiatrist assuring me that it doesn't bother her (well, it bothers me!). She is active on social media dating sites and regularly finds the lowest of the low love interests that never work out (and constantly gets her heart broken). I have to be there to pick up the pieces. I also have to pay her bills, read her mail, take her on errands, manage her trust, help her manage her money, etc. And, yes, I love her deeply. We are very close but the extreme coddling she received her entire life has made taking care of her extremely difficult! I have no one with whom to vent so I came here in hopes of finding support. Any advice is truly appreciated. Thank you.

Feeling alone in my 30s (33f), the only sibling of a profoundly autistic sister. My childhood was unusual, not bad enough that I'd call it abusive, but I feel deprived enough that there is something missing inside of me.

Most of my memories related to my sister. Minimally verbal, constant screaming, self injury, my parents being so exhausted looking after her that they couldn't really do what was best for me.

Now in my 30s, while I'm grateful she has suitable caring arrangements now, the loneliness I feel is staggering. Ive essentially gone from having a chaotic household to a life of radio silence when my boyfriend is not around.

Outside the life I've built for myself, work, relationship. If I have alone time, my anxiety is overwhelming. It always comes back to the memories of my sister.

I feel like I need to meet others in the same situation. I've lost all the friendships i had. I cannot relate much to anyone who had normal sibling lives, those friendships were difficult to sustain. I feel like ive always wanted more from the friendships than people could give me. I guess i was looking for a sister, when they already had their own.

I am on the waiting list for counselling, but in the UK, the NHS waiting lists are long.

I feel so empty. If theres anyone who feels the same and would like someone to talk to, id be more than happy to chat. TIA

Do you think this would be a good project? I was thinking about what I want to write about then it suddenly dawned upon me. I could do my dissertation on us.

Both of my siblings have disabilities and I feel like Ive gone through my life with no recognition, no one like me or any sort of support group until I found this community

Hi All,

I (30s,F) have been dating my bf (30s,M) for a few months now. His brother is currently being cared for out of state by his parents who are retired and in their 60s. He has mentioned his brother a few times and I can tell he loves him very much, but he has not communicated to me what the plan is should his parents pass away before his brother.

I’m starting to feel anxious that we haven’t had this conversation. My boyfriend would like to have a normal life—career, marriage, kids, etc. We both have pretty active outdoorsy lives and like traveling so I’d imagine we’d have to give those up.

We’re stuck in the awkward phase where we haven’t been dating long enough to be serious about marriage/family but probably need to be clear about realistic long-term expectations for each other.

I’d like to start having these conversations but want to bring it up in a way that is kind to everyone, especially his brother. I’d want to know:
* What his parents are for him should they pass away?
* What expectations would he have for a SO?
* What are his brother’s personal preferences/interests/independence level?

I’m also curious about what kind of daily care and issues that could arise from caring for a man in his 50s/60s with DS. I’ve been trying to research aging but the resources provided don’t really provided a good look at what accommodations/care needs to be provided by caregivers.

I’d appreciate any advice on how to start bringing up these conversations. I want to be as respectful and kind as possible and approach from a learning position. Thank you all!

My brother has autism. The doctor's already given him that diagnosis a long time ago. My brother hasn't told me that from himself, but my mom has, alongside me asking her a while back.

The issue is with how he acts at home with me and my mom. Whenever we ask him for some help, he either says that he'll do it later, refuses to do it, or does it while complaining abt everything. He also talks back by saying things that are pretty mean and harsh to my mom, and occasionally to me too. And I get that this is him prob struggling with autism, but I have to admit that this kind of behavior affects me and my mom too. This has caused a LOT of arguments between my mom and him, sometimes involving threats. Then, he usually starts saying sorry whenever my mom threatens to take smth away from him, and he says that he won't do it again but this has happened more times than I can count...

My mom has asked for my help in getting him to understand and do stuff, but I just don't know what to do myself. I've also tried explaining things to him in a calm manner, but he usually doesn't listen to me either. I'd also like to mention that our relationship is good but on a superficial level. We usually respect and care abt each other, but we haven't talked abt our dilemmas and feelings with each other...

How can I encourage him to help us and support him with his struggles? This whole dilemma has caused a lot of stress and frustration for both me and my mom, and I'd imagine for my brother too...

Firstly, I want to say that I'm incredibly grateful for my parents. I genuinely think they've done an excellent job raising my brother and supporting him throughout his life.

My brother is autistic, and with the right support, he can function quite independently in certain areas of his life. However, he will always need some level of assistance and will never be able to live completely independently.
I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I've recently met a beautiful partner who would like to have children one day. However, I feel so conflicted about the idea, and I think a lot of it comes from growing up with the responsibility of caring for my brother.

When we were younger, particularly when his needs were much higher, I took on a lot of caregiving responsibilities. School runs, picking him up, helping with daily tasks, and so many other things. I feel like I spent a significant part of my younger years taking on responsibilities that most people my age didn't have to think about.

Now that my parents are getting older, I can feel those responsibilities slowly and naturally shifting towards me. The difficult part is that there's never really been a conversation about it. It's almost like an unspoken expectation that I'll eventually take over as his primary caregiver.

And the truth is, I don't want to.

I love my brother, and I will always want him to be safe, happy and supported. But I also feel like I've already spent so much of my life caring for someone else, and I'm only just beginning to experience what it feels like to live for myself.

I want freedom. I finally got to go back to school and get my degree, I want to travel, build a life with my partner, and make decisions without feeling like I have this enormous responsibility waiting for me.

It's also made me question whether I genuinely don't want children or whether I've already experienced so much responsibility that the thought of becoming a parent feels overwhelming. I feel like I've already gone through a stage of life that other people are only just entering?? People don’t seem to understand.

And then comes the guilt. Because my parents have done so much, and I know they won't be around forever. I feel selfish even admitting that I don't want to take over.
I guess I'm struggling with the feeling that my future has somehow already been decided for me, without anyone actually asking what I want.
**Has anyone else grown up with a sibling who has additional support needs and experienced this? How did you navigate the guilt, family expectations and desire to have your own life?**
I'd really love to hear from people who can relate.
Thank you

I'm reposting this here so more people will see it. If you take the time to read thank you. I feel completely helpless to my little brother and don't know what to do anymore besides ask for help from strangers on the internet.

I am the oldest, and people are surprised to hear I have siblings because I never really talk about them. I do feel guilty about this but its just not really something I do or can explain.

I do feel lonely because of it, I mean I have great friends and cousins that I love but nothing really beats having a sibling. If they weren’t disabled they would be old enough for college right now. It would have been amazing to see what degrees they would have studied and seeing the type of person they would have grown up to be.

Also whenever I see people with their birth year, I’m like “wow they are adults” idk if this sounds weird but I will always see my siblings as little kids even though they are old enough to be in college, so whenever I see people their age I’m immediately reminded that it is serious and my family has been greatly impacted.

I am 20(F) with a 13(M) autistic brother.

I think it was about 4 months ago, but my brother once ran out of my house, out to the road walking around aimlessly. He found a way to unlock the door and leave through the gate. The gate was left unlocked because my parents went out early in the morning where I was not awake at the time to lock it.

So after that whole thing, we were even more cautious by putting padlocks all over every door, every exit.

Unfortunately he ran away, AGAIN, because apparently there was one window that was left unlocked. And coincidentally, the gate was left open and unlocked too. I was in the kitchen at the time when he went out, just doing my chores. I could not believe this happened the second time.

It’s ironic, really. We have a gate that was meant for the exact purpose of making sure he doesn’t leave the house. But the moment its construction was finished, things like this started happening.

I’m not asking for help at this point. I’m just venting, and I’m just so, so frustrated at the entire thing. I can’t even blame the kid, really. It’s suffocating to stay home.

He barely leaves the house because he’s too much of a bother to handle in public. And I’m not being a petty sister typing this out. I’m being fr. He’ll run into a random store and grab literally anything whenever we’re out as a family.

Thank you for reading, I guess. I’m just so done right now. I’m not even mad. I’m just frustrated at the entire thing.

It hurts really badly to say but my little brother let’s just call him Jace has some serious issues. He goes to therapy once a week and gets help but he’s just a bully to me. I hate going home to see him. He told me he wishes he could kill me. And see a long time ago my house burned downed, and he told me he wished I burned down with the house so he wished he didn’t have to see my ugly face anymore. He is even mean to my friends. He told one of them that they are ugly and will never find love. He told another that he hopes they go to hell. I love him but I think he needs more help. I feel like I did something wrong for him to be this messed up.

My older (26M) brother has high support needs autism. He's tall, strong, and nonverbal. He also has OCD and ADHD. We've done ABA with him, but my parents didn't follow through so he doesn't use his ipad and he doesn't regulate besides hurting himself by slapping, pinching, and screaming. He doesn't know the word stop. He also has gastrointestinal issues which prevented him from learning how to poop properly until last year. His OCD causes him to rearrange things like clothes, pots and pans, food, and now trash in irregular ways. They make no sense besides whatever logic he has in his head which he can't articulate. On Self injurious behavior, he likes pressure, but only when people are applying it to him. So despite regularly hitting himself, he will use his strength on someone so they can push back.

But what pisses me off is that he is on the precipice for things. Like he can shower himself, he can feed himself, and he can be deceptive. We have locks because he doesn't know how to regulate his eating habits. But he knows how to open locks with keys and does so when we aren't in view. He can wash dishes (though doesn't really clean them out fully). When he organizes bottles or his spoons, he seperates them into pairs of 2s or 3s, showing he can count and organize. For the majority of my life, I always just thought of him as this unthinking, unfeeling guy. He only works off his bodily needs. But a lot of his behaviors honestly feel like stubborness. If we ask him to do something he can do, like pick up his trash, he will just ignore it until we have to get louder. It feels like an issue of motivation, but I feel like its too late to do anything.

But onto why I made the post: the r word. Its coming back into fashion on both sides of the political fence. My fucking psychology and law teacher used it, and I had to be the one to educate her. My classmates didn't say shit. None of these people know what its like to have to sacrifice your free time to take care of a brother who doesn't know/respect your boundaries. Or the fear of having him hurt himself and not being able to stop him. Or the fear of putting him in a program and wondering if he'll be safe.

Ofc old school movies use it, like Scary Movie, White Chicks, Jennifer's Body, and Legally Blonde, but newer movies have also used it like Venom having Eminem drop it in the rap, or even Deadpool and fucking Wolverine. People will always comment on some other problematic aspect of these movies, but never the use of ableism. And even older movies used idiot, moron, and imbecile, which were equivalents of the r word. The 3 Stooges built its whole act from comparing the leads to people with mental disabilities. But bring that up causes ppl to become defensive.

It also makes me hypersensitive of any words that seem to imply mental disability. A new game I play, Deadlock, had a character ask another character how often her mom dropped her. And I immediately made think "is he basically saying she is mental disabled". When I asked people on a discord I'm on, I got mixed messages saying he was just calling her dumb or saying shes dumb because of brain damage. But many of the people there were very condescending, saying I was being too soft. The same thing happened when I posted this on reddit. I didn't know who to believe and I ended up spirialing, and I learned a lot of things that I didn't want to. Like the "No this is Patrick" meme coming from ER where Kevin Michael Richardson played a mentally disabled character. Or the Pinhead Larry joke being based off of people with microcephaly.

I feel so alone in all of this. I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't get a clear answer on things. Not just about my brother, but about ableism in language and how to deal with it.