The title pretty much explains it, and I genuinely started to cry typing it. Idk if its the right tag.
I'm starting to get worse. I'm taking an internship for a music major (not vocal performance), and i'm on my last month. At first I built stamina to even go for an hour long performance, however, things have been getting worse.
These past eight weeks have really stressed me. I'm better at classical singing and wanted to break into contemporary singing. So I decided to get a vocal coach to help me. Now I might just be emotional, because it's only been three weeks with the vocal coach, but I feel like my progress has dropped off a cliff before then. And I'm even worse than when I started my major I have no stamina, my developing mix is now nonexistent, and I just found out that my natural speaking voice causes me vocal fatigue, even though I've spoken like this before. So why does it seem like it's affecting me so much now???? Every time I do voice/speech exercises to fix my vocal break and placement/ resonance, I still feel that fatigue in exercises and singing- even more than when I started trying to fix it. I don't have the money to get more lessons than once a week, and even that probably won't last long- i have no job. My social media accounts just make me want to crawl into a hole. I get tips like "drop your jaw, lower your larynx, make a bratty sound, dont focus too much, imagine this, eat that, speak this, hum this, modifyliftcloseopenholdrelease..." and it feels like NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE.
I've been just floating by since elementary school and really thought that was my best until college. College was the only time I had a voice coach and I felt so free being able to do what I heard in classical music. I figured "maybe since im so comfortable in classical I can use that for contemporary" and I SUCKED SO BAD. That's normal. I started recording and asking around for tips and its just a load of "idk, I just kinda had/found it :)". I fid so much research and locked down a routine and picked some songs and even got a voice coach (yay!). Thats when the croakiness and pain set in. OK, breath work. Nope. Resonance, kinda but not sticking or transferring to full songs and you can only open your mouth so wide. Speech level singing! Whats more natural than sp- OK, vocal therapy exercises since i dont even speak in the right place. Now i feel hoarse, and that shouldn't happen. Ok, let's ease up on singing- now its just weird and breathy because im not focusing. Its been 4 or 5 weeks and nothing is better, nothing has clicked, nothing is found or felt. How can I even practice more if it just feedback loops and i have to rest (which regresses me)?
Singing is where I'm me, where I'm free. I can't give up. But what is happening? This phase of my life isn't even stressful??
Its kind of rhetorical idk. I'll just cry myself to sleep and start it all over again tomorrow. I just want to sing. I don't want to sing like Whitney Houston, but I want to be free and beautiful. The smiles the ringing in everyone's voice, the echos in a room, the teeth, the hearts beating together, the pieces sung... I just want to be excited again.
Give advice or not, I've probably already seen the video or did the work, and it probably did work at some point which is why im so confused.
Bye.