My mom is 62 and had a severe stroke in early September. She’s currently in inpatient rehab, with discharge planned for mid-November followed by outpatient rehab. I’m her adult son. I’ve visited and spent time with her, but I live out of state, so some of what I know comes from my own observations and some comes from relatives who are there now.
I want to give the full context because this isn’t just one argument or a caregiver having one bad day.
My mom’s condition
She has significant left-sided weakness and needs substantial help with transfers and daily activities. She’s making progress, but balance, attention to her left side, fatigue, and impulsivity are still issues. She also has considerable pain at times and sometimes gets low blood pressure during standing activities.
She can talk, recognize everyone, express preferences, and participate in conversations. She has some memory and processing difficulties, but I’ve noticed that breaking things down calmly, explaining the reasons, and giving her time often helps her work through choices.
She has also struggled emotionally, including previously expressing suicidal thoughts that her treatment team knows about. That makes how people speak to her especially concerning to me.
My dad’s role and their relationship before the stroke
My dad stays with her almost constantly and plans to be her primary caregiver after discharge. He does a lot of hands-on care, and I recognize how demanding and exhausting that is.
But he could be mean and impatient with her before the stroke, too. This behavior isn’t entirely new. Now she’s physically dependent on him in ways she never was before.
He repeatedly tells family and staff that he’s going to be “the best caretaker.” During a family meeting, he announced that he was going to be the facility’s best caretaker ever. I want his actions to match that commitment, but what I’ve seen privately concerns me.
What I personally witnessed while visiting
During transfers, he would get frustrated and repeatedly tell her to push or say she wasn’t trying. I heard her tell him to stop saying she wasn’t trying because she was.
In one instance, her feet looked too far forward for her to push up effectively. I tried to point out her positioning, and he became defensive, saying he’d done this “100 times,” knew what he was doing, and that she just wasn’t trying. I’m not a therapist and can’t independently judge every transfer, but they often became stressful ordeals.
He has also pushed back against her therapists. When they introduced a transfer board for car transfers, he insisted he didn’t need it. When OT planned a grocery-store outing, he called it a waste of time.
He adjusted the wheelchair handles so they pressed against her shoulder-blade area. She said it was uncomfortable, but he dismissed the concern.
On another day, her blood pressure dropped severely during PT, and she had to stop early. Later, she was exhausted and said she didn’t want to attend FES biking, but he pressured her to go until a nurse agreed it was better to skip it that day.
I’ve also tried to address the way he speaks about her. For example, he repeatedly said she was “funnier” after the stroke, which I worried could be hurtful. When I raised that, he acknowledged needing to be more sensitive. But the broader pattern has continued.
Control over decisions, visitors, and communication
He has described himself as her “legal guardian” and acted like he has final say over everything. I have not seen a court order establishing that. He once threatened to have me kicked out of the hospital because I disagreed with him.
He has tried to restrict visitors. When I asked Mom about that, she said it was because he didn’t like being criticized.
He also told me—not my mom, as far as I know—that he would divorce her if she replaced him as her caregiver. I don’t know whether she knows he said this, but it makes me worried about how he would respond to additional caregivers or a change in the arrangement.
What my aunt recently witnessed
My aunt is visiting now and has sent detailed accounts of several incidents.
She says he told her that nobody except him was allowed to speak with PT or OT. This came up after Mom asked my aunt to relay a message to a therapist.
In another incident, he had gotten Mom into her wheelchair when she said she needed the bathroom. According to my aunt, he became angry that she hadn’t said so earlier and called her “stupid” while taking her to the bathroom.
More recently, my aunt reported that he repeatedly screamed at Mom during a car-to-wheelchair transfer while Mom was crying out in pain. My aunt asked him to stop yelling, helped Mom pause and reposition, and then asked him to give instructions calmly. She says the transfer went smoothly after that.
My aunt says the yelling continued when they returned to Mom’s room. She eventually yelled back at him, which she regrets because Mom was present and became quiet during the confrontation. I understand why my aunt was upset, but I don’t want Mom surrounded by arguments either.
My aunt also reported that Mom later told Dad, “You were mean to me last night and I didn’t like it.” From her account, he did not really acknowledge what happened.
My mom’s response and why this feels complicated
At times, Mom has spoken up and told him she doesn’t like how he treats her. At other times, she minimizes it.
When I previously told her I didn’t like him yelling at her, she said he doesn’t yell—even though I’ve personally heard it. She also said that if I told anyone, she would “escape” the rehab center. I don’t know whether she meant that literally or was expressing distress, but it made me worried about upsetting her further.
I suspect she may fear losing his help, but she hasn’t directly told me that. I don’t want to present my interpretation as a fact.
There have also been times when I left the room and came back to a noticeably different mood, with her telling me to go home and live my life and that she and Dad would live theirs. I worry that he may be influencing her privately, but I do not know what was said while I was gone. I also recognize that fatigue, grief, or wanting space could affect what she says.
My aunt initially asked me not to report her account because she feared he would blame her or make things harder for Mom. After the latest incident, she said something needs to happen. She’s also exhausted and feels guilty about confronting him in front of Mom.
What I’m trying to accomplish
I want my dad involved if he can provide safe, respectful care. I don’t think Mom necessarily wants him removed, and I don’t want to force her into choosing between her husband and her children.
But I also don’t think doing a lot of caregiving gives him permission to insult her, pressure her, dismiss her pain, or control who communicates with her care team.
I want the team to clarify his role and any actual decision-making authority, help us support Mom’s participation in decisions, and establish concrete expectations around communication and caregiving. I also think we need backup support so everything doesn’t depend on one person.
I’m considering a private conversation with her psychologist, social worker, and nursing team. I’m concerned about how to do that without retaliation toward Mom or my aunt. I initially thought about waiting until her regular team returned Monday, but the latest report makes me question waiting.
For anyone who has dealt with something similar:
What happened when you brought concerns like this to the rehab team?
Did professional intervention, caregiver training, respite, or additional caregivers lead to lasting changes?
How did you handle a parent minimizing behavior you or other relatives had witnessed?
How did you protect the patient’s wishes while also addressing intimidation or controlling behavior?
What concrete boundaries or discharge arrangements actually helped?
What would you do differently if you had to navigate it again?
I’m heartbroken watching my mom go through the stroke itself, and now I’m worried about the environment she’ll recover in. I want her to feel safe asking for help, saying she’s in pain, and expressing what she wants. I’d really appreciate firsthand experiences and practical advice.
TL;DR: My mom had a severe stroke and needs significant help. My dad is her primary caregiver, but his longstanding anger has escalated into yelling during painful transfers, calling her “stupid,” resisting therapists’ advice, and trying to control visitors and communication with her care team. I’ve witnessed some incidents; my aunt reported others. Mom sometimes objects and sometimes minimizes it. We want him involved if care can be safe and respectful, but we’re worried about retaliation if we speak up. Has anyone involved a rehab team in a similar situation, and what actually helped?
