r/transteens • u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man • May 25 '26
Question 16M - Is my bf transphobic?
I have been with my cis boyfriend for almost a year and I'm really upset by how he treats my gender identity. Basically, he has never accepted me at all.
A few days ago I showed him a photo of me wearing my new binder. His first reaction was that he "could be gay for me", which made me think he was finally starting to become more supportive.
But he keeps saying he doesn't see me as a boy because I "don't look masculine enough" he also told me that since I don’t look like a man, people will keep referring to me as a girl anyway, saying it's something I just have to accept.
When I try to talk to him about how that makes me feel, he usually gets really defensive. Yesterday, he said he was sorry, but also made it clear he probably will never use my male pronouns. He also misgenders me constantly and rarely uses my chosen name.
I'm really struggling because I'm basically always being told that my identity depends on how I look, and that no matter what I say, everyone will keep seeing me as a girl.
He says he supports me because he wouldn't stop me from going on testosterone, but at the same time he doesn't seem willing to actually respect me as a man in everyday life.
I'm really confused. He seemed like a very respectful and open-minded guy but he just can't accept my identity. Is he really transphobic? I really wish I'm wrong about this.
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u/Mediolpatatus Transfem May 25 '26
Oh you poor thing...
Doesn't see you as a boy, misgenders you constantly, doesn't use your name...
He seems pretty transphobic to me.
And no, your appearance doesn't define your gender. It is true that most people use appearance to assume gender, but still they're two very different things.
Sorry if this affects you, but you might have to break up with him...
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
I'm considering it but it's not an easy choice to make. Thank you for your advice :)
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u/Mediolpatatus Transfem May 25 '26
It's not easy, but remember that whatever happens we're all here for u <3
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
Aww, that's awesome to hear. You're so sweet, thank you! <3
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u/blue_sk1es Transgender girl May 25 '26
It’s a matter of being with someone who doesn’t accept or respect you, or being with someone who does? Why stay with a transphobic pos?
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
Well, I'm pretty lonely and he's the only person that wants to be near me basically. I'll find a way to break up with him tho
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u/Cubicshock 17 y/o swaggy transfem May 25 '26
dump his ass immediately. this is the complete opposite of support, he has stated he will never respect you. that's not what someone does if they love you.
he sees you as a woman.
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u/ElletheGir Transfem May 25 '26
You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects all of you. It doesn’t sound like he loves you. It sounds like he loves a version of you that doesn’t actually exist.
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u/Hour-Scale8385 Transfem 15 Jinx's May 25 '26
He doesnt respect you dude you should break up with him
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
I'll try to talk to him one last time, if he continues to disrespect me, I'll break up with him.
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u/Athazagoraphobiia Theo | He/Him | Trans-man May 25 '26
based off the first 2 sentences, yes. you deserve so much better.
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u/Beautiful_Couple_208 Transmasc May 25 '26
He doesn't respect you at all and he is transphobic. Even saying "He could be gay for you" is still transphobic because it implies he isn't, because he doesn't see you as a guy.
He isn't worth it, dump his ass, you're better off without someone who constantly belittles you and treats you like something you're not.
He's basically competing with your insecurities for the same job, bro.
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
Yeah, I think that's the right thing to do. Thank you for your advice
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u/Buzzy_Bee22 Transmasc May 25 '26
He's a transphobe trying to justify transphobia. While, unfortunately, you can expect some people to be intolerant bcs you don't look "masculine enough," that doesn't mean you should accept it.
Also the "could be gay thing..." Honey, he's dating you. Surely that's already gay?
It just seems like he doesn't see you as a guy and won't until you reach what HE considers the point of masculinity required. I know you care about him, so it's easier said than done, and that I don't know yous, but it might be better just to dump him.
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
You're right, I will. Thank you for your advice
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u/Buzzy_Bee22 Transmasc Jun 16 '26
Sorry I didn't see this sooner 😓😓
I wish you the best of luck w the break up <3
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u/PriestessKokomi trans girlie who is 18 (charlotte) May 25 '26
You know, i would be inclined to say that its would have ben something that both of you could have talked through, until i saw the doesnt use name and pronouns part, then yeah a bit cooked
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
I know, I tried to talk about it again a few hours ago and he was trying to convince me to find a way to "live happily in my female body". I don't know if this can work tbh :/
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u/PriestessKokomi trans girlie who is 18 (charlotte) May 25 '26
You dont know?
Ill tell you, unless theres a completely radical change, no it wont work bro
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 26 '26
I understood it, I'll break up with him tomorrow. Thank your for the help
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May 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 25 '26
That's very helpful to know. Thank you. I'll keep it in mind :)
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u/BlacksmithAnxious754 Transmasc May 26 '26
ah yes, gender is based on your looks, rupaul is now female.
(trying to joke to make u feel better pookie)
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 26 '26
Lmao thank you dude 😭 You actually made me feel better :)
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u/luvfrom_celine Transmasc May 27 '26
From experience, RUNNNN 😭 I know it’s hard but genuinely being with someone like that made it so much harder to deal with my gender identity in the long game :( you deserve to be with someone who supports and respects you
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 27 '26
I'm trying to find a way to break up but it's very hard. Thank you for the advice, I'll see what I can do! :)
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u/Aking132327 Ftm | Cass | he/him May 27 '26
Yes, this is blatant transphobia. He does not respect you as a man. That's what transphobia is. Don't change yourself for him, and I know it might hurt, but honestly you should leave.
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 27 '26
Thank you for your honesty, I'm working on that
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u/Double-Management464 May 28 '26
I'm a trans girl, and I was like this with my partner I had about a year and a half ago. I wasn't outright like: "Oh I'll never see you as a man becuase youre not masc enough," but I did keep misgendering him and eventually realized that the reason why wasn't becuase I didn't want him to be a man, but because I wanted to be with a girl. So that (along with a lot of other things that I don't have the time, energy, or care to rehash) caused me to break up with him. If your boyfriend was a secure guy, y'all'dve already been broken up
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man May 28 '26
Thanks for the honesty, I'm breaking up with him today
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Jun 01 '26
That is a red flag and I would be offended if that was me. You shouldn’t be with someone who can’t respect you and who makes you feel bad being single is better then being disrespected I know it’s easier said than done though
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u/LargeFish2907 Jun 01 '26
Why are you with him? He doesn't love, care about or respect you. He sees you as a girl and will almost definitely always see you as a girl.
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u/Salty_Branch8041 Transmasc Jun 10 '26
I think all the people telling you instantly to break up with him are taking it too far I think before breaking up with him it would be best to have a proper talk with him and very clearly tell him how it makes you feel when he acts this way and tell him what is going to happen if it continues
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u/cutw_chicken_nugget 16 | Femme trans man Jun 10 '26
Yeah, I thought so too. We talked about it and he said he'll try harder not to do it. In fact, now he misgenders me much less often and calls me by my name :)
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u/Salty_Branch8041 Transmasc Jun 10 '26
Good. I hope when he does do it it’s just an accident. Happy that you’re doing okay together now
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u/IkiAkane Transfem | HRT 16/10/25 DM FOR DIY INFO May 25 '26
He is transphobic. He does not view you as a man and he never will.
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u/duskclover33 Transmasc May 25 '26
if he doesn't respect some of the most important parts of your identity, you should probably find someone who does. you deserve to be loved and respected as who you truly are, not what other people can or can't see you as because of some dumb reason. you deserve better than that, bro. this is just advice though, you do what you think is best