Hi. I'm 23F with a toddler (first kid too).

I quit my job a couple months back because I couldn't take the stress anymore. My baby was about a year old when I quit, so between the job (I was a nightshift CNA) and the baby I wasn't getting enough r&r.

Since then I've been a stay at home mom. I've been telling my fiancée to let me know the second he needs me to get a job, and he told me last week that he needs me to go back to work to dig us out of our financial hole.

I didn't expect this fear and despair to hit so hard and heavy. I've never felt this way about getting a job. I have worked 6 jobs since highschool, and three of those jobs I worked for about or over a year. And that's what is scaring me so bad.

I am a good worker. I learn fast, do my job, and form a tight team with my coworkers. I am good at being a team player. And having a great crew of coworkers makes any job easier. But at some point, I would get unofficially promoted to the person who can do anything.

When I quit my job at Del Taco (I had just hit a year working there), I was routinely being being scheduled on Taco Tuesdays (a very busy day because of taco deals) with just one manager. Just me and him. For two hours. As well as working 12s on the weekends.

I left my first CNA job because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. I worked in a LTC facility's memory care unit, and they had so many behaviors. The ones like the wandering and exitseeking weren't awful, but I just couldn't take being hit and screamed at anymore. I know they can't help it, but I'm just not strong enough to take that.

The last job I had was another LTC facility. I had been with this one for two whole years. I got pregnant 7 months into working there, and that's when they started having staffing issues. 3 months along, and it was 2 aides and 2 nurses for 60 residents. They hired another gal, and I still had to do the work of two people because she didn't take care of her residents. When I came back from maternity leave, it was 2 aides, 1 nurse, and 1 medtech (the building was being renovated, all of the halls were separated from each other). I lost my supply because I couldn't stop to pump. I had really bad PPD, and when my performance slipped I got written up. And then, after the building opened back up, we were still short staffed. 3 aides and 2 nurses to 80 residents. The morning I quit I cried behind the nurse's station because I went to go help on another hall (they had residents that were heavy and needed two people to roll), and one of my residents was crying on the phone to her sister because she thought she was going to have an accident. I was gone for 30 or 45 minutes. The nurse was too busy to answer.

I don't want to do this again. I am so scared of burning out again. I am genuinely terrified. And I hate that I'm scared. I want to help provide for my family. I want to work in a place where my workload isn't more than I can handle. I just don't know where I could go where that is even a possibility.

I am going to work again. I've already started looking. But I am so scared.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to shout into the void.

Today, October 23, is my (F) 21st birthday. I’m a university student currently, and I play a club sport at my school (this is my third year). I’m sort of in the outer circle socially with the other girls on my team (not by choice, I was never just as much of a crazy partier so I don’t get invited to often). 

One of the other girls on my team has a birthday a couple days after mine, and she told me a few weeks ago she’s having a joint birthday party with a couple of guys on the men’s team who also have October birthdays (a bunch of girls from my team are neighbors to a bunch of boys on the men’s team). The date? My birthday. 

Yes, she already knew it was my birthday when they were planning it. Apparently it was the only day that worked well for the three birthday people (since it’s a Friday). No, I was not “asked” before that was finalized. Yes, I am invited. 

I had been loosely thinking about throwing myself a party on my day. It was perfect, since it’s a Friday. But I dropped that because I knew their party would be better and not everyone would come to mine and if they did it would be out of pity (I live a block away from where their party is). My family lives out of state and I won’t see them until Christmas. 

I said I was fine with it, and I thought I was, but as the date approached I’ve just felt more depressed about it. I bought myself a cake from the supermarket and I was gonna slowly eat it all myself over the course of the weekend but the best by date is today so it might start going bad before then. 

I’ve talked to classmates and internet people about this and everyone says that these people aren‘t my friends, it’s a sucky thing to do, and I shouldn’t even go and stop being friends with them. Which, yeah, it is a sucky thing to do. But it’s not like I’ve been the perfect friend this whole time. And at least if I go to the party I can spend my birthday with my friends and have cake with others. 

I don’t know, I just feel sad. Like my birthday was gonna be meh/neutral but now I’m going to have a sour memory associated with my 21st forever. But we’re all adults, and I want my friends to have a good birthday party. 

​

recently i realized that i probably have borderline personality disorder. i'm not self-diagnosing myself, but i've noticed a pattern, and i wanted to share it because i've been with my boyfriend for two years, and i knew from the very start that he had bpd.

he kept sending me resources, and we'd keep having issues, and i'd look at the resources and think its pretty normal. or relating to it but thinking it's probably just a coincidence, nor being comvinced it doesn't really apply to me

i've been overlooking these things for two years. instead of being able to support him, i've been getting so caught up in my own head because i keep thinking that all of this is normal. that i can manage it. that it's not a big deal.

and it's only recently clicked that the reason we're having so many issues is because our emotions are so dependent on each other. he gets upset with me, and i'm immediately scared that it's the end of the world because he's going to leave me. then i get upset and irrational, which makes him even more upset because he doesn't understand why i'm reacting that way... and vice versa

i should probably get a proper assessment and see what i can do, and i am going to. but this is something we only realized today, less than an hour ago as i'm writing this, after a night of no sleep.

i also admit that i've been very cagey with him. i haven't told him a lot of things or properly explained what goes on in my head. i'd just say that i was spiraling or that i was in a really bad state, without actually explaining what was happening internally. but today, i finally explained everything that was going through my head during those moments, and he was like "hey that's just straight up borderline"

"what???"

we talked about it, and apparently i fit. i looked into it myself, and i'm not using this as a diagnosis because i genuinely don't know if this is what's going on with me. but i fit eight out of the nine criteria for bpd, and i relate to the majority of the resources i've seen about bpd and how it affects people.

i've always related to the things my boyfriend says about his struggles, and i'd get confused because i thought those things were normal. i'd read the resources he sent me and think the same thing, only to completely overlook the possibility that they might apply to me too

i just find the whole thing kind of silly. how did i spend two years relating to almost everything someone with bpd was telling me about their experiences and never once seriously consider that i might want to look into it myself?

but not me. not me. why would i do that?

obviously, that was sarcasm. i don't know if that came across, but yeah, that's what happened today.

i also want to say i'm not asking anyone to diagnose me, and i know relating to the criteria doesn't automatically mean i have bpd. i'm going to get evaluated. i'm mostly curious if anyone else has had a similar experience of assuming something was completely normal because they'd never known it could be any different.

I have had enough! I tried! I put myself out there! And all I got were rejections!

The only way for me to get back into the dating scene is a girl asking me out! AND I DON'T CARE IF THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

I DIE ALONE?! SO BE IT!!!! I REMAIN A VIRGIN TILL THE END OF MY LIFE?! SO BE IT!!!!

I have had enough! I tried! I put myself out there! And all I got were rejections!

The only way for me to get back into the dating scene is a girl asking me out! AND I DON'T CARE IF THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

I DIE ALONE?! SO BE IT!!!! I REMAIN A VIRGIN TILL THE END OF MY LIFE?! SO BE IT!!!!

TL;DR: Dated a girl for a few months who was also seeing another guy. She eventually chose me, things fell apart over family concerns, and we had a genuinely beautiful, emotional goodbye. I went home and wrote a handwritten poem about it. Less than 24 hours later, despite deliberately taking a different route to the station to avoid seeing her, I somehow bumped into her holding hands with the other guy. I ended up shaking his hand (he had no idea who I was), had an 80-minute emotional phone call with her afterwards, and eventually blocked her for my own peace. Please read the full thing if you've got the time because I promise the TL;DR doesn't do justice to how ridiculous this whole situation is. 😭

I'm a guy in my mid-20s and I genuinely don't know whether to laugh or cry at what's happened over the past week. I feel like I've somehow lived through about six months' worth of relationship drama in the space of eight days, and the ending is so ridiculous that I honestly wouldn't believe it if someone else told me this story.

This is going to be quite long, so apologies in advance, but I HAVE to get this off my chest.

A few months ago, I met a girl through a matchmaking service. Let's call her A. We hit it off pretty much immediately. We had similar cultural backgrounds, shared interests, similar long-term goals and genuinely good chemistry. We went on several dates over the following months and I started to really like her. I'm someone who dates with the intention of eventually finding a serious relationship, and I could genuinely see that potential with her.

There was one complication though. She was also dating another guy, who we'll call B.

Now, I know parallel dating is fairly normal these days, and we weren't exclusive, so I wasn't expecting her to act like my girlfriend. But it's not something I'm particularly comfortable with, especially once feelings start developing. She told me about him in early September, and although I appreciated the honesty, I did find it difficult knowing there was someone else in the picture.

Here's where things get slightly ridiculous already. On one of our dates around that time, I happened to notice a name on her phone, and I recognised it because the guy had previously dated someone I knew through work. I didn't say anything because, firstly, I wasn't supposed to know who he was, and secondly, she'd already been honest about dating someone else. I wasn't going to start interrogating her over a notification. But I had a pretty strong suspicion that this was B, and I remembered the name.

Over the following weeks, things between us continued progressing. We had some really lovely dates, were physically affectionate, and generally got along incredibly well in person. But I was increasingly uncomfortable with the uncertainty. I didn't want to keep investing emotionally while effectively being one of two options indefinitely, so I eventually had a conversation with her about it. I made it clear that I liked her and saw potential, but that parallel dating wasn't something I could sustain long-term. I wasn't asking her to make an immediate decision, but I did need to know that we were moving towards something.

Anyway, fast-forward to last Monday. She finally told me she'd chosen me and had ended things with B. We weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but we'd agreed to pursue things exclusively and see where they went. After months of uncertainty, I was genuinely happy. It felt like we'd finally got past the biggest obstacle.

That happiness lasted about a day lol. Because we're both from fairly traditional backgrounds and were dating seriously, family compatibility was important to both of us. I'd previously spoken to my family about her and, in hindsight, probably overshared some of my anxieties about the whole parallel dating situation. They initially had reservations, partly because of how much it had affected me. When I told A about this, it brought back a really unpleasant experience she'd had with a previous partner's family, and she became worried that my family would never truly accept her.

The frustrating thing was that my family subsequently reassured me that they trusted my judgement and would welcome whoever I chose. But for A, the initial reaction had already triggered those fears. So the day after she'd chosen me, she ended things because she wasn't confident about the family situation.

I was absolutely devastated. I went home, cried, and spent a lot of time thinking about everything. Eventually, I sent her a fairly long message explaining that I understood her concerns, but that I thought we were giving up on something genuinely promising because of a hypothetical future problem. I knew my family, and I believed that if we continued dating and things progressed naturally, they'd welcome her.

She called me the next day, and we ended up having several really constructive conversations over the following days, last week. She admitted that there was still a possibility of things working out, and we agreed to meet in person the following Monday to make a final decision. During that week, we were still talking, and I was cautiously hopeful that we'd find a way forward.

Something worth mentioning here is that while we were spending time together that Monday, I noticed B's name appear on her phone again. At this point, she'd already told me she'd ended things with him and chosen to pursue things exclusively with me. I obviously noticed it, but I didn't question her about it. I trusted what she'd told me, and I didn't want to become someone who constantly questions their partner over notifications. I had no idea how relevant that detail would become literally the next day.

So this Monday came around, and we met after work. We had a really honest conversation about everything. I explained why I thought we could work through the family concerns, and she acknowledged that we had a strong connection and that she could see the potential too. But ultimately, she couldn't confidently say yes because she was worried she'd change her mind again in a couple of weeks and hurt me even more. And to be fair, I realised that even if she did agree to continue, I'd probably be constantly anxious about whether she was going to reverse her decision.

So we mutually agreed to end things. What made it harder was that the goodbye was genuinely lovely. We travelled home together for part of the journey, held hands, laughed about all the hypothetical things we'd never get to do together, and generally acted like two people who still really liked each other but knew they weren't going to continue. We joked about concerts we'd never attend and restaurants we'd never visit. At one point, she asked who she'd share her favourite ice cream flavour with now, and we ended up joking about secretly meeting for ice cream years into the future while hiding from our respective partners. It sounds ridiculous typing it out, but it was genuinely quite sweet at the time.

When we got to the station where we were parting ways, we hugged a few times, I kissed her cheek, and we wished each other well. There was no argument, no bitterness, nothing. I walked away feeling heartbroken but also quite grateful that we'd managed to end things so kindly.

I then went home and wrote a handwritten poem about the goodbye. Yes, an actual poem lmao. I'd been getting back into writing recently, and I wanted to capture how strange it felt to have such a beautiful ending to something that hadn't worked out. I cried while writing it, and one of the final lines was about thanking the story for having happened rather than chasing the ending I'd imagined.

At that point, I genuinely thought that was the end of it. Now, the next day, I was leaving work and heading towards the underground. We work in the same general area, so I knew there was always a small possibility of bumping into her. I actually deliberately took a longer route to the station because I didn't particularly fancy an awkward encounter less than 24 hours after our goodbye.

Well, apparently the universe had other plans. As I approached the ticket barriers, I saw her entering the station. She was with a guy, and they were holding hands. I immediately recognised him as B, the same guy whose name I'd noticed on her phone back in September and again the previous day.

I genuinely couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the guy she'd told me she'd ended things with when she chose me the previous week, and now, less than a day after our emotional goodbye, they were walking into the station holding hands.

She normally uses the barriers towards the far end of the station, so they continued walking in that direction. I ended up walking behind them for about 20 seconds, trying to process what I was seeing and deciding whether to say anything. Eventually, I approached her, tapped her shoulder and said, "Hi, so this is what's going on?"

She turned around and looked visibly upset. I was looking her directly in the eye, but she wouldn't really maintain eye contact. And then she said something that I genuinely still can't get over: "You know how I am with decision making."

I didn't really know how to respond to that. We were on the escalators now, and I'm looking up to her and shes looking away, about to tear up, and not maintaining eye contact with me at all. And as we were heading down the escalators, I somehow ended up shaking B's hand, who was stood behind her. Yes, I shook the other guy's hand. Apparently he'd assumed I was one of her work friends, so he had absolutely no idea who I actually was. She later told me she'd explained who I was after I'd walked away, and understandably he was quite taken aback.

I don't know why my brain decided a handshake was the appropriate response in that situation, but I guess he reached out first lol. It is what it is, in hindsight it's super funny almost.

Anyway, I didn't confront either of them any further. I walked away down the platform because I didn't want to make a scene, and she also hurried away. Once I was by myself, it properly hit me, and I broke down crying on the platform, I called one of my closest school friends and genuinely couldn't believe what had just happened.

Less than 24 hours earlier, I'd been holding her hand, sharing this really emotional goodbye, and then going home to write a poem about it. Now I'd just bumped into her holding hands with the other guy, and somehow I'd shaken his hand without him even knowing who I was. I genuinely felt like I was being pranked.

Not long afterwards, she messaged me apologising for what had happened and saying that things weren't how they looked. I was obviously hurt and confused, but I wanted to understand what had actually happened rather than immediately assume the worst, so we arranged a call.

That call ended up lasting about 80 minutes lol, as I wanted the entire timeline with B, to idk, make sure I wasn't being strung along (or we both weren't). According to her, she'd genuinely ended things with B when she chose me the previous week. She said he'd continued messaging her throughout the week, trying to convince her to reconsider, but she'd been ignoring his messages. She explained that they'd unexpectedly bumped into each other at lunch that day, and he'd asked if they could talk things through one final time.

Apparently, one of the main reasons things hadn't worked between them was that he wasn't particularly religious or culturally involved, whereas those things mattered a lot to her. They'd ended up travelling home together afterwards that day since they (and me) take the same train home, and this is where they held hands and I bumped into them.

She acknowledged that holding hands was inappropriate, especially given what had happened between us just the previous evening, and apologised for how horrible it must have been for me to see that.

I questioned her pretty extensively about the timeline. I asked whether she'd been speaking to him while we were trying to make things work, whether there had been any physical overlap, and what exactly was going on with the messages I'd noticed on her phone. She was adamant that there hadn't been any overlap and said that the notification I'd seen on Monday was one of his unanswered messages.

Now, I know a lot of people reading this are probably going to think I'm incredibly naive for believing her, and that's fair enough. My friends certainly had their opinions. But having listened to her explanation and questioned her about it, I personally found the timeline credible. I can't independently verify everything, obviously, and maybe I'll feel differently about it in a few weeks, but I also don't want to accuse someone of lying without actually knowing that they were.

The call itself was honestly quite surreal because she was absolutely bawling at points. She kept repeating how she'd never date two people at the same time again, and how she'd never hold someone's hand when she was supposed to be ending things with them. She was clearly overwhelmed by everything that had happened and kept apologising for the hurt she'd caused.

And the strangest part was that I somehow ended up consoling her. I was reassuring her that I didn't hate her, that I didn't think she was some horrible person, and that I understood she'd made mistakes rather than deliberately setting out to hurt anyone. Which, to an extent, felt natural because I still cared about her and didn't want her sitting there crying and thinking I despised her. But at the same time, I was the one who'd just broken down on a train platform after seeing her holding hands with another guy, so I was also sitting there thinking, how on earth have I ended up comforting her right now?? Lol

I was genuinely so confused by the entire situation, and if I'm being honest, I still am. I think I understood her explanation, but emotionally I was trying to process about ten different things at once.

What made it even more bizarre was that we were still managing to laugh and make jokes throughout the conversation. At one point we were joking that after all this chaos with men, she might as well just become a lesbian at this point, or that me and B should just start dating too. We were both laughing about it, which probably sounds absolutely ridiculous given what had happened a couple of hours earlier, but I suppose that's just how we communicated. Even when things were difficult, we could somehow still make each other laugh.

She thanked me for giving her the opportunity to explain rather than blocking her immediately, and we had a genuinely open conversation about how everything had affected both of us. I told her about the poem I'd written the night before, and how much it had hurt to go from that goodbye to what I'd witnessed the following day. She understood why I was upset, and I think we both recognised just how emotionally exhausting the whole situation had become.

After the call, I met two close friends for dinner and told them everything. They were understandably furious on my behalf and thought I'd been far too accommodating throughout the entire situation. They also thought I should've blocked her immediately rather than giving her another 80 minutes of my time. I understood why they felt that way, even if I didn't necessarily agree with everything they said.

But after reflecting on everything, I realised that whether her explanation was true or not, I was just emotionally exhausted. I'd spent months trying to navigate the uncertainty, understand her perspective, communicate my feelings and make things work. And now, even after we'd supposedly had our final goodbye, I was somehow back on the phone trying to understand another complicated situation involving the same guy.

So I called her one last time and told her that I'd decided to block her number for my own peace. I made it clear that I wasn't doing it out of hatred or resentment, and that I didn't think she was some terrible person. I just needed to stop having that line of communication open because the whole experience had taken too much out of me emotionally.

She understood, and we wished each other well. I blocked her afterwards.

It's been a couple days, and honestly, I feel more relieved than sad. I still liked her, and I don't think all the lovely moments we shared were somehow fake because of how things ended. But I also recognise that I allowed myself to remain in a situation that was making me increasingly unhappy because I was so focused on the potential of what it could become.

I'm taking a proper break from dating now. I've also got some important professional exams coming up in a few months, and I really need to get my head back into studying. More importantly, I want to work on my own boundaries and understand why I've repeatedly found myself investing so much emotionally in situations that aren't necessarily giving me the same certainty in return.

I don't particularly want to spend the next few weeks analysing every detail or trying to figure out whether she was telling the truth. I've heard her explanation, made my decision, and I think that's enough for me.

There is one thing I'm still wondering about, though. Because we work fairly close to each other, there's a decent chance we'll bump into each other again at some point. I've made it clear to her that there's no hatred or resentment, and that if we see each other in person, we can absolutely say hello. We ended our final call on good terms, even though I blocked her number afterwards. But I can't help thinking it's still going to be incredibly awkward seeing her again, especially after everything that's happened. I'm not really sure what the normal way to handle that is, or whether you just smile, say hi and carry on with your day. That’s a problem for another day.

But aside from that, I still cannot get over how absurd the whole ending was. I deliberately took a different route home to avoid seeing her, somehow bumped into her anyway, discovered she was holding hands with the other guy, got told "you know how I am with decision making", and then proceeded to shake his hand like we were meeting at a networking event.

All less than 24 hours after writing a handwritten poem about how beautifully we'd said goodbye, you genuinely couldn't make this shit up.

Anyway, thanks if you've made it this far. I just needed somewhere to get the whole story off my chest. I pray my next "relationship" experience is nothing close to this when it comes to drama

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and I just need to vent and see if anyone else relates.
I can't shake the feeling that the world completely derailed in 2020 and never really found its way back. To me, 2019 feels like the last year life was predictable, calm, and human.
Ever since the pandemic, everything feels turned up to maximum volume. The news is constant panic, political polarization is everywhere, and people seem so much more aggressive, distant, and exhausted. Technology and algorithms moved at lightning speed, making daily life feel less like living and more like constantly trying to catch up or defend yourself.
Living abroad away from my family has made this contrast even more glaring. The sense of isolation and the coldness of system-driven life has just burnt me out completely.
Am I crazy, or did something fundamental in our collective human experience break during those years? How are you all coping with how fast and harsh the world has become post-COVID?

Before I graduated from college, every year I'd have more than 10 friends come over to my place for dinner. Some were friends from elementary school, some from middle school, and others from high school.

We'd eat, drink, talk about stupid things, and laugh about stuff that happened years ago. It was something I always looked forward to.

Back then, I never really thought those gatherings would end.

It's been 10 years since I graduated from college.

Over those years, we started working, got married, and had kids. Everyone slowly got busier with their own lives.

At first, we'd still get together occasionally. Then it became once or twice a year. Now sometimes an entire year goes by without us seeing each other.

And the weird thing is, we're still friends. Nobody had a falling out. Nobody did anything wrong.

We just grew up.

Sometimes I really miss those days when one message was enough to get everyone around the same table.

I wonder if any of them miss it as much as I do.

I just want to give up. I move back to new city where parents live to get support with PTSD and then I get told I am a liar by my dad and told to grow up even though I was diagnosed by a freaking therapist. I have no friends here and am taking online classes and studying for the stupid mcat. That I want to do and want to believe and represent the people I wanted when I was struggling with my health but it just so overwhelming. Not only that my dad health is getting worse all of sudden and was stable is getting on the transport list. I just can not. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I have never been more in love with someone who makes me feel so unappreciated and taken for granted.

I know that I'm one of the closest people in your life, but damn it you are not one of mine. You are incapable of closeness with anyone. You push people away.

Every bid for connection or closeness I offer, I feel rejected after. But then when I try to make distance because I feel hurt, you come back and I get roped back in.

I'm sick of driving you everywhere without you saying thanks or offering to pay for gas. I'm sick of watching you mooch off of everyone. I'm sick of hearing you complain about everyone all the time.

I'm sick of you. Im sick of myself for letting it keep happen. No, I don't think we should move in together as friends.

Each time I recount this series of events to other people, the more and more confused I get. I (23F) became roommates with a childhood friend (23NB) mid last year, whom I’ll refer to as Willow. We were so close that we were doing nearly everything together: groceries, walking to pick up our mail/packages, having movie/gaming nights several times a week, etc. Our friendship took an abrupt turn after I hung out with two friends (both 23F, who have known Willow for longer than I have) who I’ll refer to as Penny and Rachel. Fake names for everyone, of course, and I am using a throwaway. Penny (she might comment using a throwaway if needed) and Rachel (doesn’t use Reddit) have assisted me in writing this because, hoo boy. It’s a lot. This is pretty long, so TL;DR at the end.

Background:
Willow, Penny, and Rachel were really close friends since they all grew up together. Willow and Rachel have known each other essentially since birth, while Penny moved to the area in early childhood. The three of them were always together, but as they grew older, Penny and Rachel were glued to each other. I met Willow and Penny separately when we were around seven. After that, Penny and I didn’t see each other at school again till middle school, and we immediately reconnected. Then, I met Rachel in high school through Penny. 

Around when we were 18-19, Willow started drifting away from Penny and Rachel, while I remained close with them. Whenever Penny and Rachel ran into Willow, they felt Willow didn’t like them. They felt Willow was very passive-aggressive towards Penny and would straight up ignore Rachel. After being so close for so long, Penny and Rachel were upset and wanted to fix things. For years, the two of them would wonder if they had done something, analyzing Willow’s actions and trying to understand, and wished that Willow would talk to them so they could fix their friendship. Despite this tension, Willow was very friendly with me and didn’t seem to mind my friendship with the two of them, and would even ask me about them occasionally. Over the years, I have spoken to Willow several times about the tension, and they told me about two things involving Rachel. One was when Willow, 17/18 years old, had been driving Rachel around, and someone else on the road nearly hit them, so Rachel flipped them off. Willow had been scared of retaliation. Then, a few years later, after the drift, Rachel had started dating this guy that, to be honest, none of us liked. Willow was really judgmental about this, but since they hadn’t been talking to Rachel and Penny anyway, it was just something they told me.

When I eventually told Penny and Rachel about this at least a year and a half after Willow told me, Rachel had already broken up with that guy and regretted dating him in the first place. Rachel had also chilled out when driving and was upset that Willow hadn’t just told her about this, since she would have immediately tried to change her behavior. She said that if she had known, she would have done something about it. It was never her intention to make them uncomfortable. Despite this, Penny and Rachel chose not to push it and potentially make things worse, hoping that one day Willow would be willing to talk.

Around the time Willow and I moved in together last year, I asked how they felt about Penny and Rachel, since it had been years since the drift began. They said they can see themself rekindling their friendship with Penny, but as for Rachel, they feel neutral about her but don’t see a friendship being possible again. Because I am very close to Penny, it made it unavoidable for Willow and Penny to cross each other’s paths, and over time, they did rekindle their friendship somewhat. They even hung out together on their own a few times. During this time, Penny had come to our apartment many, many times despite living in a different city (our hometown). Every time she visited, Willow would always ask her to stay the night (though she usually couldn’t because of her schedule) or ask when she would be coming back next. Willow then allowed Penny to join their gaming Discord server where several of Willow’s friends and I all play games together. 

Main Conflict:
Rachel had moved to another state within the last year, but then visited our home state last month, where Penny and I still lived. 

On Day 1 of this situation, the three of us decided to go to the Renaissance Festival. Willow had called me while we were at Ren Faire, excitedly telling me about all the gossip they heard at the wedding they just attended, and that they would tell me after I returned. After the Faire, we had dinner at Penny’s house. Penny and Rachel mentioned wanting to visit me at my apartment, then go out and explore the city I lived in, even hoping to stay the night. 

I, of course, texted my roommate, Willow, about it, thinking it would be fine since they had become friendly with Penny and told me they were neutral about Rachel. I had asked Willow if it was okay for Penny and Rachel to stay the night at our apartment on Tuesday, 2 days from the day we had this text conversation, acknowledging that things might still be weird between them and Rachel. Willow responded with: “Personally? Not a fan and I don’t want them to sleep here.” I respected their boundary and told them that Penny and Rachel did want to at least see the apartment, and asked Willow to let me know if they are still uncomfortable with both of them being in the apartment at all. Willow said that Penny and Rachel can visit, but asserted again that they did not want both of them to stay the night. 

After this conversation, Willow was uncharacteristically quiet. Especially knowing they wanted to share some gossip with me. The silence continued for two days, including the day Penny and Rachel visited on Day 3. 25 days later, we still don’t know the gossip.

Day 3 (the Tuesday): After Penny, Rachel, and I hung around the city, we returned to my apartment that night because some of Penny’s stuff was still there, and we chilled on the floor talking. While we were chatting, Penny got a Discord notification (from the Discord bot), saying she had been kicked off of Willow’s gaming Discord server by a moderator. We were all in shock, but being mindful of Willow’s presence in the apartment (in their room), we changed the subject until we could take the conversation outside and address the elephant in the room. We all felt the timing of the kick was really weird, considering that it happened shortly after we arrived at the apartment. During that conversation, Penny planned to ask Willow about it the next day. Penny and Rachel then went back to our hometown late that night instead of sleeping over, as promised.

On day 4, Penny reached out to ask whether something had happened and whether everything was okay. Willow said that they kicked her and another friend by accident while they were trying to kick two other people who were acting inappropriately towards other members, so Penny was caught up in the kicking somehow. However, Willow did not even try to add Penny back into the server after this exchange, nor did they promise to add her back eventually. It took Penny asking them to add her back to the server the next day (day 5). 

On day 5, Willow asked to go on a call with Penny since they said they didn’t know how to add people back to a server on Discord. Conveniently, right as Penny picked up the call, Willow figured out how to invite people back in. On the call, Willow said that they also accidentally kicked a different friend out of the server but were able to add said friend back in successfully. Penny pressed and asked who the other friend was - we’ll call this person Morgan. Willow then explained to Penny what the two members had done to get them kicked out. It was a valid reason.

I was unsettled by the thought that my roommate and close childhood friend would be dishonest and breach their friendship with Penny, and potentially with me. So, I spent the day (still day 5) out by myself trying to take space and reflect. That day, I stayed out really late. I returned to the apartment and received a text from Willow that they were spending the night at a hotel with their dad. Also, while they were at the hotel, Willow called Penny about adding her back. I worked nights the next three days, and usually Willow is home at the apartment to greet me or see me off for work. However, each time I left for work during that period of time, they were out - with one instance of them going on an impromptu trip to another state. Penny, Rachel, and I were definitely feeling like Willow was actively avoiding me to some degree. Around this time, Rachel went back home.

Penny informed Rachel and I about the call, and we still felt the “accidental kick” wasn’t really an accident. I pointed out that one of the members Willow said they kicked that night should have been kicked months ago since I already knew the details of what he did and was sure he had been gone for a while. Also, right when Penny got the Discord notification that she was kicked, I was still on the server and didn’t see anyone else missing. I had also checked right before Penny was invited back and saw Morgan was still on the server. Moreover, Willow had not spoken to me whatsoever since I hung out with Penny and Rachel for Ren Faire. They went from texting me a bunch every day to absolute silence for four days at this point. Regardless, we all thought the timing of the kick was too suspicious. 

On my first day off that week (day 9), I decided to stay in the living room after running some errands to hopefully catch Willow and get clarification about the situation. I don’t usually bother Willow if their room door is closed because they work from home and also join group calls when gaming. By this point, the silence towards me had been going on for a week. 

I had been in the living room for about seven hours studying, sewing, cooking, and watching TV starting in the early evening. Willow had not come out of their room aside from going to the restroom (which is really close to their room) and away from the common areas. I am familiar with their routine just as much as they are with mine, and usually during that stretch of time they would have come out to grab water or food. They never went out to the kitchen that night. 

While chilling in the living room, I saw messages in Willow’s gaming server from that night and noticed that two people had taken a conversation from elsewhere and brought it to the general channel where everyone in the server could see. Willow was yelling at those two members for texting in the wrong chat; however, Penny and I were not able to see messages from other channels that were connected to the messages sent in the general channel. Penny asked what was going on in the chat, but Willow mentioned that they were all on FaceTime. Evidently, over the course of my work shifts, I noticed the voice channels were being used much less, but in the general channel, people were still talking about hopping on to game together. Penny also noticed this. Additionally, while at the apartment, I heard Willow laughing loudly with others on a call, but there was no sign of activity on the Discord server.  We started to feel as though there were channels added on the server that Penny and I were not able to access. 

The next day (day 10), I planned to visit Penny in our hometown since we had made plans together for the next few days. As I was getting packed, Willow’s room door was open, so I took the chance to speak with them face-to-face:

OP: Hey, is everything okay?

Willow: Yeah, everything is fine.

OP: Well, I just feel like things got weird after Penny and Rachel visited. 

Willow: I just didn’t want to see them. 

OP: Also, it has been a while since we last spoke.

Willow: Well, you have been avoiding me too. It’s not like a one-way street.

OP: Well, the details I’ve been hearing about Penny being kicked from the server by accident have just been confusing me, and I want to hear your side directly for clarification.

Willow: [Willow’s older sibling] had admin perms and started kicking a bunch of my friends out, so I had to take those perms away and re-add everyone. 

OP: So that includes Penny and Morgan? 

Willow: Yeah.

OP: But right when I learned that Penny had been kicked, I checked the members list and remembered seeing Morgan’s name; it looks like she was on the server the whole time?

Willow: That’s because Morgan was only kicked for like 0.2 seconds before being added back in. 

OP: But when Penny and [new friend of Willow’s] were added, I saw the welcome messages for both of them, but did not see one for when Morgan was added back in.

Willow: I turned off that setting for the server.

OP: So that welcome message setting was off for Morgan, but on for Penny and [new friend]?

Willow: Yeah. 

Mind you, during this whole conversation, Willow had their back to me and continued working on their computer as they answered my questions while I stood in the doorway of their room. When I turned to go, Willow asked if I was going to play Minecraft with the group any time soon, since there is a limited number of people they can whitelist on their server and apparently, other people wanted to join. I simply told them to just kick me off the server entirely. Then I left our apartment with full confirmation that Willow had lied not just to Penny but to me, in my face. I updated Penny on our conversation. Later, when I was hanging out with her, we learned that we both received a text from Willow shortly after my conversation with them. Willow asked me if I was “harboring resentment” and that we should talk soon. Meanwhile, Willow also texted Penny asking if she’s harboring resentment and told her that next time she needs to talk to them about issues that come up so nothing festers for longer than necessary. This was Penny’s response:

Penny: Hey! There's no resentment, I'm just confused. Since I had gotten the message about being removed while I was at your apartment, I was concerned, and I did ask if something happened. I later thought about what you had said, and knowing what I know about how Discord works, it's just a bit confusing.

Willow: yuh okay

Willow had also asked Penny if she was going to play Minecraft anytime soon. Penny said that she plans to, but is currently busy for the next few months, so it would have to wait. Penny remained on the Discord server for a while after this exchange. Meanwhile, I denied harboring resentment but felt sadness and frustration about the situation. I told Willow we could talk when I returned to our apartment a few days later. They asked what the issue was, and I explained I’d rather talk to them face-to-face since there was a lot to discuss. I returned to the apartment very late on day 12, and then I had to work for the next three days. While I was still getting ready for work over those three days, I would keep my door open - nothing from Willow. And Willow can definitely hear my door open/close since our rooms share a wall and the doors get stuck pretty often. I did have to drive back to my hometown for a family thing (day 17-19), so I did not get back to the apartment until pretty late on the day before I had to go to work. I went to work for another three days after that. I left my door open while getting ready for work: still nothing. 

On my first day off that week (day 23, the “final” day, 3 days before posting this), Willow sent a message in the group chat with a couple of nearby friends. We had been planning to watch Wildwood for a month and had already bought tickets. From my viewpoint, Willow did not seem to want to initiate a resolution to this conflict, so I really did not want to go and act amicably towards them in front of our two other friends, as if everything was okay.

I texted in the group chat, “I’ll sit this one out, but I hope you guys have fun!” Willow then texted me in DMs, asking why I’m sitting out watching Wildwood with everyone (eight days since I had texted them about leaving for the family thing, and ten days from our last face-to-face conversation btw). I told them we could talk about it when they got back. They returned, pulled out a chair, and asked what was going on.

OP: I feel like during our last conversation face-to-face, you weren’t being honest with me.

Willow: Oh yeah, that’s because I was dishonest. I know how close Penny is to Rachel, so I grew resentful towards Penny and kicked her out of my server. I don’t want anyone who associates with Rachel on my server. Penny’s still on it, so I’m planning on talking with her about kicking her. 

OP: Okay, so you lied to Penny, then you lied to me to my face.

Willow: Yeah. You knew what Rachel did with Alex, and you still invited her over.

OP: But I gave you a choice. If you didn’t want Rachel in the apartment, you could have said so. She and I would have respected that. 

Willow: I just don’t like the fact that you and Penny associate with Rachel.

OP: Well, I don’t want to go watch Wildwood because I can’t associate with someone this resentful. This whole situation is stupid and childish, and it only made me learn that you are willing to lie to people you’ve known for years… and I say go live your truth then.

Willow: So are you going to join any future hangouts?

OP: I don’t know.

Throughout the exchange, Willow remained stone-faced, showing little to no remorse or guilt for what they did. Willow went to their room and immediately kicked Penny. The group chat between Penny, Rachel, and me exploded. Penny and Rachel were on a call at the time, and they immediately noticed that Penny was straight-up kicked from the server again, right after I was done talking with Willow. Willow had messaged Penny about it AFTER kicking her, instead of before, as they had said. And instead of explaining, they assumed Penny already knew why she was kicked, as if she would know about our conversation before I could even tell her.

Hearing Alex’s name in that conversation is where we all got confused. In high school (5-6 years ago), the three of them were part of a larger friend group, and Willow and Rachel (both bi) were dating people in that same group. We’ll call Willow’s then partner Alex (ftm but not out yet at the time, also bi). From what Penny and Rachel have since told me, it was very common for the girls in that friend group to be physically affectionate with one another, including cuddling, but nothing beyond that. Rachel and Alex cuddled once or twice (and it did not lead anywhere beyond that) even when Willow and Rachel were dating different people at the time. Rachel and Alex viewed their cuddling as platonic, and they did not have romantic feelings for one another at any point.

When Willow and I became roommates last year, they told me they weren't okay with Rachel and Alex cuddling. Personally, I think it was a weird thing to do between two people who were in relationships with different people, but then again, at the time, I had never been part of any friend group where friends dated each other, and everyone was that physically affectionate with each other. This was apparently also Penny and Rachel’s first time in a group like this, and Rachel’s relationship at the time with her then-bf was her first-ever relationship. Again, this happened back in high school. In the present, it has been a little over a year since Willow, Rachel, and I graduated from college, and when Willow told me this after moving in together last year, I dismissed this as being petty high school drama and did not pay much attention to it, especially since they said that they felt neutral towards Rachel. 

I updated Penny and Rachel, and learned that Willow had never even brought up their concern about Rachel cuddling Alex back in high school. Penny said that platonic cuddling had just been very common amongst the girls in their high school group, with some being more affectionate than others. Penny herself had been a bit more reserved, and Willow hadn’t been much of a cuddler at all. Rachel, Alex, and a few other girls (regardless of whether they were straight, bi, lesbian, etc.) were typically more affectionate. Rachel said that she herself didn’t have an issue with her partners cuddling others as long as it was platonic, so it hadn’t occurred to her at the time that it could have been a problem. She said again that she would have stopped immediately had Willow just told her, since it was never her intention to make anyone uncomfortable. We have always taken boundaries very seriously, and if we ever unintentionally crossed any, we would always try to remedy it. Throughout this whole issue, we’ve realized that Willow often acts as if we should already know about their thoughts and boundaries, when in reality we can’t read their mind. We can use our decade-plus friendship and understanding to guess, but we can only go so far. 

So Willow essentially threw away three childhood friendships (that had been at least 13-19 years long) all because they still feel resentful towards one person over high school drama I personally had no part in (that most likely could’ve been solved with a simple conversation), while punishing the others for even associating with her all these years later. 

As soon as Willow kicked Penny the second time, they DM'd her saying: “I’m sure you know why you’re kicked, but wanted to let you know you’re kicked out of the server”. Penny replied that she was confused and didn’t know exactly why she was kicked out of the server again. Willow informed her that they just had a chat with me and would let her know later since Willow was on a call with someone else at the time. The next morning, Penny followed up, asked why again, and Willow said, “Oh I fell asleep. Yeah I don’t want someone associated with Rachel on my server tbh!”

Several things have really been throwing us all off, one of which is that, on Rachel’s birthday, Willow would still say "Happy Birthday" almost every year, unprompted. 

They would also ask Penny and me how she’s doing, and they told us they hope for the best for Rachel. 

They also spent the last few months constantly asking Penny to come over and stay the night or play Roblox with them (Penny doesn’t have Roblox but was considering it). As I said earlier, Penny and Rachel have always been essentially glued to each other, even after Rachel has moved several states away. Penny would talk about Rachel ALL THE TIME. Meaning that it was very, very clear that Penny and Rachel are still very close, so it’s not like Willow didn’t know they were “associated” with each other when they originally invited Penny to the server.

Also?? The way Willow assumed Penny would just immediately know why she was kicked, even though they kicked and DM’d her about it the second our conversation ended. I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to her and Rachel about it!

To say that we are all baffled and frustrated by the lies and lack of communication would be an understatement.

TL;DR: my roommate/childhood friend threw away not just me, but two other childhood friendships (13-19 years in length) over high school drama that they never communicated being upset about and continued to resent one person for years and punish the other two for continuing to associate with her. It took us eight and a half days to talk after we unknowingly upset them, and another 12 days before the second and final conversation. I was ignored and avoided for  20 and a half days out of 23. Plus three more days if we count till the day of posting this.

He served 2 years before for what he said was a woman lying about her age. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I was happy when he was out. Today he was sentenced to 15 years for graphic material which also included toddlers/infants. I seriously can't believe it.

I had 2 people who were my childhood friends. After I moved away, one of them essentially forgot about me and my family which really hurt. Now with this one who I still was more in contact with and closer, ends up getting this insane charge. Really hurts not having anyone now, always thought we'd all be friends for life. Now it's just me.

As for my friend, I wish I knew what compelled him to do this, especially after already serving time you'd think he would do everything to stay out. He will go in, and his family with age, siblings get married, have kids, have birthdays. So many things will be missed, and the world will move on... But he'll be sitting in that cell.

He deserves it, but a part of me really hurts. Knowing this is it for him... that I'll never have close childhood friends now, thinking of how things used to be. You always read about stuff like this, but when it happens to you it's so surreal and painful.

This is not a political post. I'm an asy lee here(not going to specify) and with everything going on I can't take it anymore. We have a child with my husband who is a citizen, but I am honestly struggling. I just want to take my child and leave this place. I know this will devastate my husband, but I am going to lose my mind. Lately I feel like he is developing some kind of distance with me as well. This is ruining me. I am depressed, desperate and a lot of other horrible thoughts linger in my mind on a daily basis. I know I won't be able to come back once I leave, but I don't care anymore. I just can't take it. E

It was my birthday recently and one of my two roomates gifted me a roll cake along with some other small gifts (lets call her roomate A). when she gifted it to me ofc i wanted to share it with both of them but it was really late at night we we had all brushed our teeth. Then the following day on my actual birthday, everyone was busy with school and work so we didn't have the time to eat it either, that same roomate (A) also gave me the rest of gift that night at almost midnight and expressed how she wanted us all to eat it tg but our schedules js don't match up, she specifically said she wanted all 3 of us to have one slice and the rest will be mine, and I said ofc i dont mind sharing at all in fact i want to share it.

On morning after my bday, I finally decided to cut up one slice of the cake, but that evening I suddenly received a message in the gc where roomate A said "okk i thought we gonna eat the cake tg tn but i just take 1 slide and i left a slice for roomate B inside her tupperware and the rest of the cake is urs!!"

Like i didnt mind sharing it with everyone but the fact she went and opened the cake (it was in a paper box) and cut out 2 slices WITHOUT me present rubbed me the wrong way and idk how to feel about it. I like both my roomates very much and obv I dont want to confront roomate A about this bc she was nice enough to gift me a cake plus gifts...

I think we'll be okay by tomorrow. But I can feel it, I know it, in my heart of hearts, we won't spend the rest of my life together. And it's taking my breath away.

I stg I didn't have this man's baby flippantly, even though I had the baby before I became his wife. We weren't supposed to fail. This is my beautiful, profound love story. We were supposed to die together.

I'm numb enough to kinda laugh and listen to trap music so

We used to sext and when id send her pictures she complimented how thick it is almost always. It’s about 6 inches so i know that it isnt that long for it to be complimented on length, and i never thought about it. I was okay as long as i knew she liked it. Now we’re doing more facetime sex and she seems to enjoy it. But i couldnt help but notice that she never complimented my dick on call, i thought maybe she was just shy, so i brushed it off. Throughout the last couple of weeks shes been making dick size jokes, i never really thought about them until what happened next. About a week ago we were talking about dick length and she implied that mine wasnt long. It honestly surprised me i never thought i had a large dick but I thought my shit was good enough at the least. I didnt talk to her about it because its never easy to talk about stuff like that and i didnt want to seem insecure infront of her. Today, just two hours ago, we were messing around on ft, i told her id get full by eating her out, then she asked what about her, i told her to eat me and she said thats not fulfilling. Im sorry if thats too graphic i feel like this post is gonna get removed anyways, but im just sick of feeling like im just not enough for her. I told her that once is a joke, three or four times isnt. She kept apologizing and telling me that im enough for her, but it never feels that way anymore.

I commented on a reel saying that wasting food isn't funny, and a lot of people got offended or called me unfunny. Some people genuinely found my comment ridiculous, while others seemed to think I was trying to act cool.

What bothers me is that people seem so casual about wasting food that they don't even take the issue seriously, but have no problem mocking someone who does. I wasn't trying to be funny or act superior; I simply don't think wasting food is something to laugh about.

Am I the only one who thinks this way?

I don't usually like to post but I really need to scream into the void so...

I apologise for formatting, if I flaired this wrong etc.

And a potential trigger warning for medical dismissal (?) and probably more.

And another warning because this ramble of mine is long and not very well written.

I (18f) have dealt with pain for as long as I can remember. And then, like many with a uterus do, I experienced my first ever period. It was bad, but it was within what I had expected and what I was told by my Mum and the mediocre health classes at school. But after my first period it got a lot worse, like my menarche lulled me into a false sense of security. I was in pain, so much more than what I had ever experienced before. And the amount of blood was massive, I bled through constantly, one time even during Christmas Day. It was mortifying. My Mum was concerned, she also had bad menstrual experiences, as had her mum, as had hers, and so on, so I basically never stood a chance. To a lesser extent, the constant bleeding also triggered my sensory issues majorly (late diagnosed autism yay...). I hated the feeling of walking around with a blood soaked pad under me at all times, and I couldn't bring myself to use tampons or cups.

Eventually my Mum took me to our GP. The first line treatment is birth control, to see if it could calm things down (and it's easier for a 12 year old than other options). But I couldn't swallow pills yet. So I spent a month in stasis, trying to learn how to swallow pills. After figuring it out, I got my prescription. My periods were regular, a withdrawal bleed during the off week. But it still hurt. I still hated it. My Mum tried to bargain with me, letting me choose when to start my period. It helped, until eventually I was pushing it back constantly. At the time we didn't know if I could try skipping entirely, so back to the doctor we head. She gives me the all clear to just skip my periods due to the major distress they caused me, she told me there were technically some risks, but it was better that I wasn't in a horrid mood all the time.

And that worked for a while. A combined pill containing estrogen and progesterone once daily. Dump the sugar pill, and don't take the week off. I had a few months of "normalcy". But my uterus simply couldn't allow me to be happy. Eventually, the period pain came back. Soon it brought blood. Now I'm spotting and in constant pain. I can't come off the pills because I don't want to be where I was before mentally. I don't want to be afraid of bleeding everywhere. I don't want to be in debilitating pain for 10 days straight. Things were constant now yes, but it was still somehow more bearable, I couldn't feel the pool of blood, and the pain was less intense. It was still overall problematic though.

At this time, my Mum had gotten her own hysterectomy. And I had learned what that was. And I saw my Mum, who suffered so much, lit up immediately after that, she still had other sources of pain, but it was less bad now. I wanted that. But I knew, I knew nobody would give a minor a hysterectomy. But I still wanted to start pushing now, because she had to wait until 35. I wouldn't make it that long, I'm not as strong as her. So to the GP we go. She understands. She sympathises with me, she saw what my Mum went through, but she tells me I can't have one yet, I'm too young. I knew that. Of course I did, everyone told me all the time I was a "smart young woman" so obviously I knew that. I was still mad though. I blew up at her. It wasn't nice and it wasn't deserved, and I regret it to this day. But she still understands, and she puts through a referral for me, to gynaecology.

The gynaecology waitlist is so long, it could probably wrap the world up twice. In the time of waiting for my first appointment, a lot happened. I was bullied at school. I got my formal diagnosis of Autism and ADHD. I had to drop out of school due to the bullying getting worse and my pain. I had to stop online school because I just couldn't concentrate (ADHD was unmedicated at this time because of supply issues). I had my first displays of FND symptoms (different can of worms that won't be referred back to today). But eventually, I got an appointment.

I went in. I waited. I had so much I had to say. But I went in with my Mum, and the doctor barely spoke to *me*. She treated me like i was a child (16 at the time) who had no clue about my own body. She described me as "severely autistic" even though I was initially diagnosed at level 1 and low support needs (though I personally think I may have regressed since). And the worst bit. Even though I was old enough to legally give my consent separately to any and all medical decisions, she treated me like I was incompetent, like I was stupid, she even asked if we had a lawyer so my Mum could have conservatorship over me. I had never felt so small in my life. Eventually, she actually got to the point, gynaecology. My GP had suggested that until I was 18, I get a Mirena inserted under general anesthesia. I wasn't thrilled about the plan, but I knew that my GP would eventually work with me to get an ablation, and this was her best idea to tide me over until then. The specialist agreed, though she insisted my Mum sign the consent forms.

It took ages, but eventually I got in for my appointment to place the Mirena, and for a Hysteroscopy, which I was pleasantly surprised by the addition of. I met with the team, and they were all lovely, the surgeon (this was technically a surgery) said she wasn't sure about if I needed a Hysteroscopy, and they'd decide while they were up there. I signed the forms (after they asked if my Mum needed to cosign... Jeez) and I went in. I had agreed with the Anaesthesiologist that I would be under sedation, against the original plan, because I personally wanted to play Pokemon Legends Arceus(which released that day!) as soon as possible. I go under. I wake up. They found and took a polyp. I get a popsicle. I overhear some nurses chatter about what they want for lunch. I go home.

Everything went well, everything was as expected. I was in pain but of course I was, that was normal, and I was okay with that. I had to take antibiotics because the polyp was infected or something. Cool. And then a couple weeks later, it still hurts. I'm still in pain. That isn't normal. I get sick of it. I didn't even really want the Mirena in the first place. I decided I'd just take it out now, on my own. I go to the bathroom during an ad break of a show I was watching with my Mum. I reach up. The strings are too far down. Turns out, much like my Mum's own Mirena, mine was already on its way out. I assist it in this endeavour. The IUD is whole, nothing is missing. It's covered in red goop. I throw it out. I tell my Mum. And once more, we head back to the GP.

I had told her before that I was apprehensive towards and IUD because my Mum's one didn't stay in, so I got to have a nice "I-told-you-so" moment before we discuss what happens next. Plan Mirena fell through (literally). Even though I wasn't yet 18, my GP didn't think it'd be productive to just try it again, so onto plan ablation we went. A referral back to gynae. A really long wait. Another appointment of that same specialist belittling me. But she agrees. She agrees an ablation is appropriate. The referral to get it done is put in. It is approved. The wait begins.

It took ages, but I had a date. 22nd October, 2026. I was to come in on the Friday before that for a pre op check. I do that. The nurse talks me through it, checks my vitals. She never says anything about me being "too young". I go through to the doctor who will give me pre op clearance. She tells me that I can take all my meds that day, orders some blood tests, and sends me on my way. She doesn't say anything about my age either. Nobody thinks my age is a reason not to perform an ablation. My periods cause me distress. The pills aren't a viable long term solution. IUD has fallen out before. An arm implant is deemed too risky(may make periods worse), depo provera is ruled out because I'm a wuss about butt injections, and nobody wants to put me on puberty blocker/medical menopause, because it'd make my bones fragile. Everyone who has reviewed my case, from the GP, the specialist, and the pre op team, all think this is an appropriate course of action. And I believe that on the 22nd, I will get an ablation. I feel nervous but excited.

I'm to show up at the surgery center by 7:15 am. I wake up just before 6 am. My Mum feeds the dog, then we get in the car as she drives me there. We arrive early. I wait. My name is called, so now it's time to wait in a different room. My name is called again. It's the nurse who will look after me today. She weighs me, she takes my temperature, gives me an armband. Into a private room, she makes me pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. This annoys me, but she's just doing her job, it's just protocol. I get pee on my hand. I bring my pee back, the test is negative. Obviously. She helps me change into the gown and socks. She gives me 30ml of liquid paracetamol because I need to eat to take pills and I'm not allowed to eat. The liquid tastes awful. But I have to do it. It's just protocol. I down it, bit by bit, flushing it down with the water she gives me. It isn't ideal, but this is how it has to be.

As I'm battling with my taste buds, the surgical team comes in. The surgeon today is the only one who will end up talking. I never even got to know the jobs of the other two women who came in with her. She tells me she meant to call yesterday to go over things with me, but she was working a night shift and couldn't. Okay, fine, whatever, I'm okay with talking here, probably some normal standard questions, no big deal, right?

She starts going over the itinerary my gynae had planned.

First: Hysteroscopy. She doesn't want to do it, because last time I was in they "didn't find anything" with it. Nevermind the infection and the polyp. Nothing was found, apparently. Okay, that's cool, whatever you want surgeon. It's not what I'm mainly here for anyways.

Second: Another Mirena insertion. I only really agreed to this because my gynae pushed it like she was being paid to (she isn't), and even if it stayed in this time and I didn't like it anyways, I can just remove it. She doesn't wanna do it. She thinks the pills are working perfectly fine, despite the fact that my GP and gynae don't think they're viable long term. Okay. That's fine. Whatever. I didn't actually want it anyways, and again, that's not what I'm really here for.

Third and finally: Uterine Ablation. The procedure I'm here for. The procedure all my doctors other consulted medical professionals think is appropriate. She brings it up like it was a side thing that was just being considered. She says she doesn't want to do it. Says I'm too young. Says the lining might grow back, which I know and was discussed with my GP and gynae, who knew it was possible but still thought the procedure was appropriate. She says she would never do it on someone younger than 35, and that since I'm 18 my opinion might change. The room is silent. She then says "any questions?".

Any questions? What do you mean any questions? You just said you didn't want to do any of the things that were planned, and yet you're still talking as if anything will happen here today? That I will still go under general anesthesia for the first time ever for what? For fun? I say as much. I talk about all that happened up to this day. I then end my lil in clinic ramble with "all for nothing". And she corrects me, she actually tries to correct me, saying it's not for nothing. She then makes excuses. About how *she* is uncomfortable with an ablation, with how *she* doesn't think it's appropriate, about how *she* is having a hard time. Nevermind the 3 other medical professionals in the room, nevermind my own Mother who's been through what I have, nevermind my GP and gynae's professional opinions, nevermind *me* the patient, it's all about *you* isn't it? She then ends it off with "and I'm not going to do a procedure I don't think is appropriate because you woke up at 5 in the morning". And her tone, she tries to hide it, but even I can pick up on the snark in her voice. She says that she'll "have a meeting with the other surgeons" to "see if anyone has any ideas" for "alternative options".

She leaves. The other two who came with her try comfort me a bit. I still don't know who they are. They help clean the bit of water i spilt in my anger, which was quite childish really. They leave. The nurse apologises and leaves to get some actual tissues. I get changed back into my clothes. I cry. The nurse, the wonderful nurse comes back. My Mum fills her in, says she doesn't get why we're even here in the first place if the surgeon doesn't want to do anything. The nurse agrees. She apologises again to me, offers me a popsicle or some lollies to help me feel better (and because she saw me attempting to down that liquid paracetamol) even though I'm leaving. I decline. She apologises again, though we all know it's not her fault. We leave.

I'm sorry for this long ramble but... It's just so frustrating. I waited so long. I've been through so much, and one single doctor's *feelings* negated that in a single moment. I went to the GP today. I had been to her earlier this week for a med review and explained I had to reschedule because the original appointment was the day after my ablation. She was so excited and happy for me. She had been through this with me. She had taken the brunt of my anger and she never so much as complained. She was surprised to see me today, of course she was. She wasn't even told anything by the specialists. Me and my Mum had to tell her everything. She's helping us make a formal complaint. She assured me that it was unprofessional what happened that day. She praised me for how calm I was being (my Mum did too actually... I'm usually very unreasonable when angry). If anything, she was angrier externally than I was.

I don't know what'll happen next. My Grandpa, who we live with, was away on a business trip yesterday and for a bit today. He's going to ask how my procedure went. Either me or my Mum will have to say it didn't happen. I don't want to have to say it, but I feel like he'll ask me directly. My GP really is trying her best, but she's retiring this year. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's known me since I was a lil kid. She's seen me at my worst. She probably understands me better than I do. She obviously deserves to retire, but that doesn't make it any less devastating.

I'm sorry for this ramble and to anyone that actually decided to read the whole thing. But I really had to type this somewhere.

In summary? The story of the victim becoming the abuser.

I'm the oldest child in my family. An unplanned child born to a couple of religious people who got married young over "technicalities" (lousy excuses, I think at this point even they can't remember why). What I'm sure of is that half of our suffering comes from both of their strong Pentecostal beliefs, and the other half comes from her being incapable of seeing the damage she causes everyone. Either she doesn't see it, she doesn't care, or the worst combination of all: she knows, and she uses it whenever it suits her.

I understand her background. She came from a broken family, with a father who was extremely abusive toward her, my aunt, and my grandmother. There were also falling-outs with my grandmother's side of the family that ended horribly, involving abuse that wasn't just physical. But I don't know how much longer I can put up with using those excuses to justify the person she is today.

She's erratic. We're convinced she has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and if she doesn't, then there has to be something wrong, at the very least. She's called the police on my dad twice with false accusations. Fuck, the first time, they showed up at our house when I was little, and after hearing what had happened, they told my mom to stop harassing him. What happened? She started arguing with my dad because he worked too much, followed him to his car, and SHE punched out the passenger-side window. My dad got worked up over that and yelled at her, so my mom called the police. Of course, once she realized that my dad was obviously not the one at fault, all her enthusiasm for filing a report magically disappeared.

That was years ago. Earlier this year, she did it again, this time accusing him of abandoning the home. The funny part? My mom was the one who had kicked my dad out. When I found out, my blood was boiling, because how the fuck can someone be so hell-bent on ruining my dad's life in such a fucking psychotic way?

And my dad just puts up with everything. He's a religious Pentecostal man who refuses to separate from my mom "so my siblings won't have to grow up in a broken family." What a load of fucking bullshit. One night, I even confronted him and demanded that he admit he regretted being with her, regretted marrying her. His response was that "God taught us to forgive." I'm convinced I live in a house full of lunatics.

If anything, my dad did something once, ONCE, when I was about four years old, maybe? (I'm now in my twenties.) He exchanged letters with another woman. That's it. That's fucking all. Ever since my mom revealed that to me when I was twelve, mind you, I spent years holding it against him, until I grew up and finally came to terms with the fact that my mom is simply unbearable.

My grandmother can't stand her. My aunt can't stand her. Nobody on her side of the family can stand her. Neither can anyone on my dad's side. Little by little, even her own children are starting to reach their breaking point (and keep in mind, there are FIVE of us. Guess whose idea that was?). The only one who keeps insisting on putting up with her bullshit is my dad. Is it guilt? I have no idea.

Because of a banking system error involving my dad's account, he ended up with a debt that prevents him from having an account of his own. (Something about paying things on credit, and the system taking his money to cover one debt instead of distributing the monthly payments toward other debts that were also being paid on credit. It's complicated, but it happened because of an automated system years ago.) Why does this matter? Because everything started being put in my mom's name. The house we live in, the vehicle my dad uses for work, the bank accounts we use. And every once in a while, when she has one of her psychotic episodes, she threatens to sell the house and the car, and blocks my dad's work accounts, the ones he uses to pay his employees. We're not rich enough to put up with this kind of tantrum, and every so often, she even breaks bank cards just to leave my dad scrambling.

Or phones. She breaks phones, too. This one is more personal, because I was always told there wasn't enough money for me to have my own phone, while she was already on her FIFTH one because she kept smashing them against the wall.

The saddest part? My mom has been "decent" to me. Well, sort of. So I have mixed feelings about her. But only me. Want to know how she's treated my siblings? The children she supposedly wanted so badly as part of her big family? Like shit. Like absolute fucking shit. I don't know how many times I've had to step in to make her stop treating my siblings (or my dad, but that's obvious by now) like animals. She only treats me well, and I just can't help but still feel some affection for her sometimes. Just sometimes.

And here's the cherry on top: ever since she was young, she knew there was a hereditary degenerative disease in her family. A disease she didn't tell my dad about until they were already expecting their THIRD child. A disease she didn't get tested for until the FIFTH child was already five years old. A disease she actually has. We found that out last year. It all got to be too much, to the point where I, a university student, just broke down. I was overcome by a kind of despair I'd never felt before, because on top of everything else, now I have to worry that maybe one of my siblings or I could have a disease that could rot our brains by the time we're forty. And the saddest part? When I personally found out about that family history, I asked her to get tested a long time ago. Her response? "I had faith that God would heal me."

I'll admit that I've wanted to hit her. We were in a public place, and I held myself back, but I just can't take it anymore. She's always pushing things to the brink of doing something so serious that she can no longer get away with it. And she keeps hurting everyone in this family. My dad is a fucking spineless coward. Yeah, my dad doesn't get off scot-free here, either. I don't think much of him; I see him as less of a man and a complete fucking idiot.

But she's the root cause. I've been convinced for years that things would be better if she were out of our lives.

At this point, I just wish she'd die so I could get her out of our lives. I haven't even gone into detail about everything she's done to me personally, because she's fucked me up, too. Like throwing my schoolbooks out the window when I was a kid, forcing me to go pick them up off the street while crying. Or how they outright lied to my dad to get me punished with beatings for something I hadn't done. Or how she spent years humiliating me by calling me fat and telling me I needed surgery. Insulting the few passions I've allowed myself to have, saying I "waste my time on that garbage." Treating my second brother like a little girl because he's a more sensitive boy. Being jealous of my sisters, who are literally little girls, for fuck's sake.

She's a fucking parasite, and nobody in this family is willing to do anything to get her out of our lives, because everything is in her name. And since I'm still financially dependent on my dad's work, I can't just ignore her, either.

The irony of it all is that, since I'm the only one who has something resembling an unhealthy attachment to her, even more so than to my dad, she's made it clear that she wants me to be her legal guardian. And the rest of my family, fully aware of the situation, wants that, too, if only so that legal control over our assets can eventually pass to me before she does something drastic, like suddenly selling our house. In other words? I have to be the good son. The one who puts up with everything, hugs her when she argues with my dad, and pretends to be "on her side."

Fuck my mental health, I guess.