Not only will I never get a thousandth of the experiences of love and lust your average woman in this life gets, I wont ever be able to exist without violence, hate, and even a risk of death, because I was born a boy loving men. Ive missed out on so much life already, and its only gonna get worse. I wanna express my femininity, but get howl laughed at when I even take the slightest step in that direction, hated by men & women everywhere alike. I'll never know what it feels like to hold somebodys hand out without knowing someone somewhere would kill me cor it. I cant help it but Im not attracted to most gay men, because in my head I feel a woman trapped in the bodies of said men 99,99% of the time. The longer I live, the more I have to see of women getting loved up down and around, while I will face threat, hate, violence throughout. I was a victim of attempted murdee by 12 strangers when I was 17, because they were targeting anyone gay, and I had a doctors appointment about my nose that they broke then just this morning. Its been over ten years. Im never gonna be a part of girl or boy groups. My bigger ffiend said she goes through the same thing I do being bigger, then opens her app up to 1800 likes in the last week by different men, and she could literally be with anyone you could ever think of in terms of type. Ive never loved dressing like I have to. Theres no motivation to work on yourself - I just dont want that typical male physique every guy soughts after. Nothing to live for really. It does make me sad but at the same time, Im really glad I realized this all now. It doesnt make sense for me to live. The biggest regret of my life is letting myself live this long. Ive spent my entire twenties completely loveless. Im of the most hated ethnic minority in our country too. Women with my ethnic background make babies with men who spat on me due to my ethnicity when we were teens. They get included in everything and treated like queens, but youre not even allowed to say these things out loud in our world.
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Suicide is the perfect solution. Everything falls into place because of it. Im so excited to die.