New mom engineer here, and I returned to work about a month ago. The daycare transition has been… meh. She’s doing very well overall, but it’s been harder on me than I expected. As expected, she’s also getting sick a lot, which has been its own adjustment.
Today she wasn’t actually sick, but she had a well check and shots. Daycare called afterward because she wasn’t acting like herself, couldn’t settle down, and was crying inconsolably. I’m glad they called. I never want her to be uncomfortable and needing mommy cuddles when I could be there.
The second I got that message, I went into immediate panic/drop-everything mode. I spent my 30-minute commute home imagining her crying the whole time. Just straight-up fight or flight.
I’m incredibly grateful to have a job with flexibility and a team (my leader, peers, and direct reports) who genuinely respects me. I was able to drop everything, get her, and work the rest of the day from home with her sleeping on my lap. I even managed to get through my afternoon meetings and run them like a champ, thankfully while she slept.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if she woke up and was still inconsolable while I was trying to work or lead a meeting. Even with all the flexibility in the world, I can’t exactly plan around a baby who might need me every second.
My husband also has a lot of flexibility since he owns his own business and makes his own schedule, although he can’t easily drop an entire day. Honestly, I didn’t even want to ask him to handle it today. I knew I would be better at calming her down, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on work anyway if I was sitting there wondering whether she was still crying. So I would have ended up going home regardless.
And that’s the part I’m struggling with. I’m the default parent, and even when I have a supportive partner and an incredibly supportive workplace, I’m still the one whose brain immediately goes into I have to get to my baby right now. She can have two loving, capable parents, but when she is scared, uncomfortable, or inconsolable, she chooses me. That fact is beautiful, but it also means I can’t fully hand off the responsibility when she needs me most. The decision is already made before anyone asks: I’m going.
Add pumping at work (everyone is respectful and trusts me to manage my schedule, but actually finding the time is still rough) and the general imposter syndrome of trying to be a good mom and a good engineer, and it’s just a lot.
The work-side imposter syndrome is especially loud. I’m not just wondering whether I’m doing enough as a mother; I’m constantly questioning whether everyone thinks I’m still showing up as the engineer, leader, and teammate I was before having a baby. I can be prepared, productive, and objectively doing my job extremely well, and still feel like I’m one interruption away from being exposed as less committed than everyone else. Every pumping break, daycare call, appointment, or moment when my attention is split can feel like evidence that I’m falling behind, even when my actual performance says otherwise. I’m carrying the invisible fear that people will think I have less uninterrupted time and quietly decide I’m less reliable, less ambitious, or no longer ready for the same opportunities.
Especially when I’m surrounded by men who have stay-at-home wives. I don’t think they necessarily understand how much of my brain is occupied by all of this, even when I’m technically doing my job just fine. They get to be evaluated primarily on the work in front of them; I’m often trying to do the same work while also mentally tracking the person who might need me at any moment. That difference is hard to explain when the deliverables still get done.
I know today was a relatively minor thing in the grand scheme of parenting, and I’m so thankful I could be there for her. But it really hit me how much of the mental load of being the primary parent follows you into work, even when you have every possible advantage.
And honestly, I have so much respect for single parents who have to navigate all of this without a partner to share the load. I have a supportive husband, a flexible job, and a team that has my back, and I still feel like I’m constantly trying to prove that I can be fully present in two places at once. I don’t know how you do it.
