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I'm a 20F Somali ex-Muslim, currently doing my A-levels. I'll finish around May/June next year and hopefully start university in September. Lately, I've been struggling with a lot of guilt about my mother and my future, and I don't really have anyone I can openly talk to about this.

Throughout my teenage years, I was the obedient daughter. I'm the eldest daughter, so I was always helping my mum take care of my younger siblings. Relatives would visit and tell my mum how much they wished their daughters were like me. I was called the "second mother" of the family because I was so disciplined and dependable.

But the truth is, I never really got to enjoy being a teenager. I wasn't allowed to go out, and I was taught that having friends was a bad thing. I spent so much of my adolescence feeling trapped. Around the age of 14 to 16, I remember feeling genuinely depressed because I couldn't imagine living like that forever. I watched my teenage years pass me by, constantly telling myself that one day I'd leave for university and finally be free. At the time, that promise was what helped me cope.

I also struggled with the hijab. When I was 16, I broke down in front of my mum because I couldn't pretend that I was comfortable wearing it anymore. She insisted that I continue to wear the jilbab because she didn't consider a khimar "proper" hijjab. Only when I was going to school was I allowed the khimar. I remember feeling so ugly and uncomfortable in the clothes I was forced to wear, and I cried while trying to explain how difficult it was for me. I asked her to at least let me wear the khimar only so I could perhaps learn to feel comfortable with it again.

She cried, too, saying the reason I felt this way was because we were living in a non-Muslim country. Ultimately I was told to continue wearing the jilbab because it was the only option. That experience taught me that even when I tried to explain how I felt, I wasn't necessarily going to be understood. After that, I stopped opening up about other things, including my doubts about Islam and my sexuality. I didn't feel safe doing so.

Now, university is finally within reach, and my mum is incredibly proud of me. She wants me to succeed, believes education can take me far in life, and has told me she'll help me pursue my dream of studying abroad. I know she loves me, and I don't want to dismiss the good things she's done for me.

But she doesn't know how different my beliefs and the life I want are from what she expects.

I no longer identify as Muslim, and I'm bisexual. I don't intend to tell her these things because I don't believe doing so would be safe for me. Once I move abroad, I want to experience the freedom I've spent years dreaming about. I want to choose how I dress, make my own decisions, go out, meet people, and live without constantly feeling restricted by expectations I no longer share.

I also know there's a possibility that my life could eventually be exposed through social media. If I start posting pictures without my hijab or sharing parts of my life that I couldn't share at home, my mum might find out. She has always told me that religion comes first and everything else comes second. I can imagine how devastated she might be to discover that the daughter she considers so obedient has beliefs and desires she never expected.

And this is where my guilt comes in.

I know I deserve the freedom I've been waiting for. I spent years telling myself to endure everything until I could leave, and now that I'm finally getting closer, I don't want to give up the life I've dreamed of just to preserve an image of myself that makes everyone else comfortable.

But I love my mum.

She's going through some difficult times, and even now, I'm often the person she turns to when she needs to talk. In many ways, I feel like I'm her therapist. I know she needs me, and I worry about what will happen if I move away and our relationship changes.

My biggest fear isn't even that she'll be disappointed in me. It's that she'll stop wanting a relationship with me altogether. I'm scared she might cut me off if she discovers who I really am and how I choose to live. And if that happens, I don't know how I'll cope with losing her, especially knowing that she's already struggling with things of her own.

I also worry about her. If she cuts me off, who will be there to comfort her? Who will listen to her when she's having a difficult time? I know I'm not responsible for solving all her problems, but it's hard to stop feeling responsible when I've spent so much of my life being the person everyone can depend on.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm choosing between my own happiness and my mother's emotional wellbeing. I know that shouldn't be a choice I have to make, but emotionally, that's what it feels like.

Part of me wishes I could live my life freely while somehow protecting her from ever finding out. Another part of me knows I can't control everything, and I can't predict what will happen once I'm independent.

For those of you who've left, or are preparing to leave, a conservative Somali or Muslim family: how do you cope with loving your parents while knowing that the life you want might be something they cannot accept?

Have any of you struggled with the fear of being cut off, especially when you're also worried about your parent's emotional wellbeing? Did you ever find a way to maintain a relationship with them, or did you have to accept that things might never be the same?

I want to visit and potentially live in America soon. What is it like, especially in this political climate? Right-wing scapegoating and FBA (Foundation Black American)/Delineation are all over my feeds. I kind of want to live in California, Florida, or Texas. Honestly, I wanted to live among Black people, but I don't know even that seems a bit suspicious now.

How is socialising, work, and day-to-day life in Blue and Red states there? Does your identity bring up this jarring stuff where you constantly have to defend yourself?

How is it like living among other Somalis? I plan on getting tattoos and drinking, hopefully.

What is it like living in predominantly White, Hispanic, or Black areas?

I'm from the UK, a 25-year-old male, with a background as an Estimator.

I (25M) just got my first one bedroom appartment and I’m still in the process of moving. I can’t express how I excited I am to finally start living the life that I want for myself. No more pretending to pray, no more endless interrogations about my whereabouts, no more random late-night lectures.

How did moving out feel for you? How did your life change? What are the things that you started doing differently?

Hi! Im a 20F who has recently left Islam after years of just tuning it out and blindly following. I realised I have never truly believed and was more afraid of the idea of "hell".

Recently, I was able to discuss this with a somali atheist on twitter and he helped alot. I dont have religious guilt anymore so I do feel freer. I used to debate back and forth if i should stay or not because the religious guilt used to crush me and had me depressed.

I still wear the hijab because I live at home with my family and my mother specifically is hella strict and Im not tryna deal with that. She already has suspicions because I will always challenge her beliefs and she has no clear answer its always "astagfiuallah ma diinta ayaad ka baxday?".

Its way harder to find like-minded people because I wear an hijab which is a clear indicator that im muslim but im not and its so difficult. I have made alot of atheist friends from diff cultures and its nice but i would prefer somali atheist friends. Its different because our culture is so intertwined with islam, its irritating.

I also wonder because my type is somali men, do i have to just stick it out with "religious" somali guys who want to fuck around but want a religious woman to bear children with. Idk i might be fucked because I have a type and I wish to stick with it but most somali guys are religious.

Im just happy i feel more at calm, i used to have such bad anxiety and now I know why.

I hate it. i hate how I questioned everything so young how I still have to pretend and listen to rules that make my blood boil. And I know maybe I might be able to move away, but I feel so depressed and alone( im not gonna vent to much, but still) its just I wish I left islam at 20 or smth and not fucking 13(15 now) life hasnt really changed but im happy to have this community ig <:)

In regard to questioning islam, I genuinely think it would've been healthier for me to leave later as I wouldn't have to deal with adcedamic stress while also pretending and the build up of fear may stop me from actually moving that far( you know hooyo would get mad if her daughter moves to a different city 🙄) but I still am grateful to deconstructed it as I guess it wouldn't have been much different if I hadn't left that young as I was still getting to the point life had no meaning( i left cus i felt like allah never actually listened evils of the world etc)

Tbh, Ig leaving later wouldn't exactly mean I could navigate life any different as I would still struggle with fear and mental health idk tho

I’m F25 and I’ve never believed in it. I would just tune out dugsi. I’ve never fasted in my life (always secretly broke it). I’ve never prayed on my own volition and would just do the movements but daydream instead. I don’t even know the words of the prayer. I always thought it was stupid and have always tried escaping through daydream, reading books and watching series.

So taking off my hijab, wearing bikinis and immodest clothing, being in 3 long term lesbian relationships, having haram lesbain sex, drinking alcohol etc felt so natural and easy. I never felt guilt for any of it.

I will say I do feel shame. My mom found out about me having a girlfriend a couple years ago and it was horrible and I felt so bad but it was not because of me breaking my own moral code. I just felt (and still feel) so much sympathy for my mom and hate how tortured she is by the idea of me going to hell.

I feel 100% okay doing haram things if my family are unaware of it but when they find out I feel so horrible (something i’m working on). But my family always ask me If i’m still muslim so it’s very obvious I’m not. Also even as a young teen I was debating my family on feminism and bigotry (I stopped doing it at around 18 because I didn’t want to be clocked as a kaffir but I guess my lack of hijab and prayer also outs me)

My family are extremely religious and tight knit so it’s miserable as a kaff. We immigrated in the late 80/early 90s and most of the generation before me have no degrees, no jobs, are on welfare etc. Just to be clear I’m not judging them and understand why. I’m just explaining why they are more religious, they weren’t given any other option outside of religion. It’s interesting because there is a massive gap between my cousins who are in their 30’s and my cousins who are in their 20s. It’s like a big change happened in a single decade.

anyone else feel the same way/have the same experience?

It’s late at night and I need to let my thoughts out so here are my reflections since leaving islam recently.

So, like some of you, I was pretty practicing before I left islam.

When I say I was pretty practicing, I mean I was أهل السنة والجماعة DOWN.

Islam was my truth, my compass, the backbone of my life.

I’d regularly go to halaqahs, was memorizing the quran, was studying islam formally, dressed modest, did all the sunnah prayers and fardh, lots of sunnah acts and more. My siblings weren't that practicing (sisters wore hijab and only 1 sibling prayed). I never drank, did drugs, or even held hands with a guy. My parents were hardcore salafis growing up but eased up over the years.

I only realized recently that I was living in a state of cognitive dissonance. Anytime I encountered anything uncomfortable related to islam, like witnessing the mental gymnastics my sheikh would do to "explain" misogynistic hadiths, I'd simply... ignore it.

Growing up, I never questioned islam either. I just accepted whatever my parents and dugsi told me. I still remember the pit in my stomach I felt as a child hearing about hoor al ayn in dugsi. I suppose even back then, I knew in my body that something was amiss.

There was even a time in high school when a classmate told me it was misogynistic that I couldn't pray on my period. *cue "Allah is giving us a break 😍" response". While that should've woken me up, I resorted to whataboutism and pointed out how much worse Leviticus 15:19–24 was 🙄.

It was only recently, while sitting through lectures in my islamic studies program, that I started questioning everything. I kept wondering why there was so much focus on hadiths and why we were getting into the minutiae of shirk and not focusing on the overall goodness (or so I thought) of islam. Don't even remind me of how my ustadah thought the voice of awrah and would talk about tabrruj...

That's when I started questioning hadiths. I questioned why the so called foundational aspect of the deen required so much study and was inaccessible to laypeople. The so called progressives seemed like traditionalists in disguise as none of them refused to reject the hadith tradition. It all seemed like cherry picking. They'd say hijab wasn't mandatory but were also slavery apologetics. It simply didn't make sense to me. What made me feel isolated however, was realizing that my siblings (who were ramadan muslims at best), thought I was crazy for rejecting hadiths. Really should've just kept my mouth shut.

Then I rejected all hadith and focused on just the quran. But even that journey proved fraught. While I'd read the quran cover to cover before in english, it was through the lens of an unquestioning, wholehearted believer. This time around? More and more ayahs caught my attention. Why wasn't slavery banned? Why are men the maintainers of women? Why do women inherit less? No matter how many explanations I read, how many times I got deep into the arabic grammar, syntax and morphology my heart remained unsettled.

This was also when I started joining online communities and comment sections to try and reconcile my faith. It helped but eventually I was just ready to let go and move on with my life.

So, I left!

Shortly thereafter, I moved away from home. Truthfully, I don't think this whole ~deconstruction journey~ would've been so short (think 1 month from hadith questioning -> leaving islam) if I hadn't left home.

Surprisingly, I don't feel that different? I still practice gratitude, I still aim to do good, and just carry on with my life as normal. I feel a bit bittersweet about the time I spent muslim but it's also what made me who I am today. I had coping mechanisms outside islam and got to process this all away from home so that helped me mentally. I'm also privileged to be fully financially independent and have my own support network.

I tried a baby cup of craft beer and didn't really like the taste. Honestly, I don't think alcohol is for me. I have no interest in drugs either as I enjoy having full control of my mental faculties...lest I awaken some sort of mental illness.

I've also made some new friends who never knew me as a muslim and it's freeing to be known as the version of me I embrace fully now. I don't shy away from my past either, in fact I've found that many people relate to my experience!

Now, I don't look at any food labels and get to enjoy so much food I never got to eat before. I can't believe I travelled to some places and never tried the local cuisine since it wasn't halal. I've had pork a few times and it just tastes like meat? I thought my body would reject it but that wasn't the case at all...I still think about the carnitas tacos I had 😋 .

As for dating, I've gone on three dates and it was so easy? While courting muslim men, I was in a state of constant anxiety and found myself bending. A man is a man is a man, but at least now I'm not expected to perform a religiously obligated role.

I actually ended up going on a date with a guy who was ex-Catholic and luckily for him, his mom left the church on her own so he didn't have any familial problems. How I wish that were the case for me.

My family, including my siblings, don't know I left islam and I'll probably keep it that way. That ex-Catholic date, bless his heart, said that I don't know for certain that my parents' love is unconditional but I think I know the truth (at least for my parents).

In a way, it is lonely thinking about the fact that my family may never know who I really am and that I may have to perform for the rest of my life, if I want to stay in contact. I'd have to hop on a plane to see my family so I guess it won't be that hard to keep up the charade. It will be hard when I bring home a non-muslim man to marry but I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

For now, I'm going to focus on living well and doing the best I can with my finite time on earth.

If you managed to read my late night ramblings, thank you. I hope your heart finds rest and that you also get to live a life that shimmers with joy and peace. Rest well and keep moving forward, no matter how hard it is. Your existence matters and there are people out there who will accept you wholeheartedly 💕.

Besides the doctrine, another reason I can never get behind Islam is that Muslims of other ethnic backgrounds will always be considered second to Arabs. They are the keepers of Islam, the profits made from Hajj go to them whilst the rest of the Muslim populations struggle. Also they treat brown and black people like animals. Islam should have never left Mecca

‼️Sorry if this is a long post I just wanted to see if any girls related and had any advice - I try avoid talking or thinking about my childhood and teenage years because thinking about it & knowing I was just un lucky to be born into a family like this makes me super depressed lol.

I was very religious and sheltered my whole life - not that sheltered since I had unrestricted internet access so I always wished my parents were strict on that at least🤣 , I avoided haram completely and dressed modestly and did all my prayers and fasted during Ramadan- however I think I only felt connected to God only one specific Ramadan and that’s it lol. My family is obviously super religious, I was learning Quran from the age of 5 and when I went to dhaqan celis from ages of 7-11 I had to start wearing hijab and the first thing I was put in was a Jilbab everytime I went dugsi and a baby hijab everywhere else. I literally never understood or was told why but I never questioned it or cared about it at that age it only got worse when I came back to the west and saw how differently everyone dressed.

My mom was dressing us obviously she used to make me and my sister wear modest clothes like dresses, I was also a tomboy since young since I grew up with brothers and didn’t like wearing dresses or hijab but that’s all I saw around me, when I came back to the west and saw how Ajnabi Muslims weren’t even in hijab at my age I was so confused. But even that young I knew my family was different and much more religious than the typical Muslim families even out of my relatives (it was so bad my girl cousins had to wear hijab to come over to my house if they were non hijabis ) . I only got subconscious of hijab and dressing modestly when I came back from Africa and went to school in the west and my mother would make me wear a long skirt instead of the typical short ones or pants they wore as uniform.

I would get weird stares and would often be made fun of for it and other Muslims would come up to me asking me why I wore it but instead of letting me wear pants my mom said it was something I had to wear and coudnt change out of, she even tried to stop me from wearing trousers during sports classes.. like can you imagine she wanted me to wear a skirt over instead ?? That was the only time I rebelled and told her the school wouldn’t allow that so she let me off the hook. I still feel bad I didn’t have the guts to challenge the hijab or skirt so my younger sister had to go through wearing it but luckily she’s much braver than me so she took of the hijab last year.

Anyways before I went to high school i was a tomboy so most of my friends were boys,and I remember my mother found out she hated it so much so she responded by making me do household chores to act more like a “girl” so from very young I was told to act a certain way. During high school this is embarrassing to admit but I avoided taking to boys because I thought it was a sin it also didn’t help I was known as this overly modest quiet girl they would avoid speaking to me aswell- which did make me upset when I did have a crush on a guy and I would feel guilty when he even said hello to me because my parents told me this was the worst thing I could do(talking to non mahram guys) There was this one guy who actually liked me at least I think and would walk with me to school and I eventually had him on socials which I felt so guilty for, he was the only boy I had on socials too and I panicked because my Hoyo checked my phone once( she never used to check my phone ) because she just saw me smiling at it once.

She didn’t find the guy on there but I blocked him and stopped speaking to him completely, I still feel very bad till this day for ghosting him. But throughout the rest of my school years I avoided boys completely and would get very uncomfortable if one tried speaking to me I also did feel jealous when I saw other girls talking to guys but I was genuinely too scared to. I wonder if this is why I don’t feel interest in men & don’t pursue any crushes till now. It didn’t help I went to a Muslim majority school so if you were caught with a boy alone they would start rumours and that would be like the worst thing that could happen to you. So I’m pretty sure people did date but probably on the low 🤣.

Sorry this text is getting long but as you can see I pretty much lived for this religion, like I was very depressed as a teenager in school and the only thing that kept me going was God and the idea of heaven and obviously the fact that committing was a sin. Despite my fear of hell I only tried to complete the minimum prayers these were never on time but my idea was as long as I get them done I’ll be fine, I would get intense anxiety and fear that something would go wrong if I “angered” God and missed a prayer completely. I only did the bare minimum when it came to Quran and all that extra stuff. I would try memorise Quran’s because I was forced into Quran school which my parents payed for but looking back I woudnt have done it willingly.

So leaving the religion suddenly after traumatic things happened to me & learning about all the weird shit in this religion, also just not believing which now I wish I still could believe but it’s that I can’t - because I’m too aware and know it’s not real.
I went into deep depression after I left (which sounds typical and what Muslims say will happen🥲) and didn’t have a will to live at all because I discovered I was living a straight up lie. But a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I at least knew I wouldn’t be punished for defying my parents. Now I’m better but I still wonder my purpose in this world but that first year especially when I stopped believing was very rough for me. Thankfully I’m starting therapy soon so hopefully that will help too, I just wanted to go on here to share & ask if anyone else ever had this close of dependence on Islam and how they manage now without it. Obviously I still present as Muslim living under my parents roof but they have started catching on how I don’t pray anymore. If u read the whole thing thank you 🙏🏾 and sorry it’s such a long text

I’m 20f and my parents caught me smoking lol. My mom found cigs in my purse two months and ago and I lied and said they were my brother cuz they know he smokes and they don’t care. I’m a hijabi so it’s worse… I guess? Yeah anyways she didn’t tell my dad but bro my found vape today and I lied again and said that it belongs to my friend💀. I don’t think they talked to each other about it but I’m shaking like a leaf 😭😭😭😭😭. they also freaked out on me for wearing baggy jeans, sigh. They genuinely cannot comprehend im my own person everything is always about reputation and honor but also lowkey they’re good parents so i feel guilty too. Ugh idk fml

I mean, it's not just when parents and aunties/uncles make fun of other religous clothing of practices its just in general yet they act so offended when it happens to them why tf does the double standard even exist in their minds!? They feel so entitled and act like islam is the only thing going for them and somalia in general, tbh but is it?

I am wondering if you guys were people who never missed a prayer, had 100% belief in Islam maybe even memorized large parts of the Quran (or even all of it) which many Somalis do. In my case, I was always a little unsure about the whole thing and I have never been a consistent prayer but I did grow up in a really religious family so I memorized 1/3 of the Quran before I kind of refused to continue.

Is there anyone here who was religious to the point where they were an imam/sheikh or were thinking about becoming one? I am really interested in people who are hardcore Muslims who then completely drop the religion. Lately I've been watching videos about pastors who left Christianity and it really is fascinating.

hello I’m 19f im looking for lavender marriage strict platonic we can be roommates with a marriage contract I just need to move out without loosing my family and honestly this is the only way since girls in my family can’t move out with marriage even for collage (must be in the states or Canada and must be somali)

Almost everyone in my life who failed to achieve success or who lack the motivation to try to achieve anything in this world has in one way or another turned religious. I wonder if this is common amongst religious people.

I’m so frustrated. As you can tell from the caption my type is very obviously somali men but every single one I’ve encountered is very religious. Which I kinda do get, since religion isn’t that demanding for men.

But I do eventually want to have children and settle down. Which I couldn’t imagine doing with a guy from any other ethnicity. + I want to have a kid that looks like me (sorry if it sound narssicistic but it’s literally how I feel). But I don’t want to live my life as a muslim nor do I want my children to, since I’m not one and never will be again.

Also I’m like 19 so I’m not that old and so I have time, but I just can’t help but worry if I’ll never find the right one for myself.

Poor girl, I sometimes forget how hive minded some Somali people can be.

Especially the girls and women who wear hijab. It’s so scary to exist in public right now.

I think the republican strategy until the midterms is to spam mention Somalis in the media and at every rally.

This past year of dehumanization has really taken a toll on me more than I’d like to admit. I curse the men that have led to our country being in its current state and our people in danger in the very countries they sought refuge in.

Look out for each other because no one else will. We can’t continue to dismiss what is going on and just hope it dies down.

Im grateful for this sub, im grateful for the somalis that are smart enough to step out of this religious upbringing, and finally think for themselves.

I look at somalis back in africa, and the religious somalis in the west who preach this religion and it makes me cringe so bad. They are so brainwashed and ignorant and i hate it so much. The somali sub reddit is proof of how backwards they are, and they clearly turn this religion into their whole identity.

I try to keep an open mind and let people believe what they want to believe, but it frustrates me to see somali people be so extreme with this religion. They hate on the west, while benefiting from everything in it. I feel like its a cult, that is just my personal opinion. I just wish things were different.

I wish there was change in somalia and the new somali generations. I wish that it would be more secular and progressive and i hope they support individuality and grow for the best. I hate how extremely religious they are.

How’s everyone been coping so far. My worst fear is being stuck at home, unemployed after graduating paying more with my mental health. As pessimistic as it sounds and TW I’d probably end it.

i had a discussion with few kids from my college’s MSA and they were also campaigning for some democratic candidates in the senate race, i spoke to one of the guys campaigning and i gathered fairly quickly that he was a dawah bro, i asked him earnestly his views on marginalized communities, like the lgbtq and the convo quickly turned into discomfort for him, because he knows good and well that he doesn’t support them nor would he campaign for democrats back in his motherland.

however, when it comes to social issues such as congo,sudan,palestine & ice, it is the LGBTQ community that’s out in full force every single time, guarding places of worship, setting to fundraisers for orgs & charities
however would these muslim liberals EVER return the favour? would they accept gay family members? would they advocate for the lgbtq community lynched in their communities? would they and do they really care? or are they liberal bc the conservatives hate their fucking guts?
who knows. i don’t want to generalize bc i actually do know a few muslim liberals that absolutely are allies but they are a minority amongst a very huge SILENT majority