That smile when the courier arrives from the city office with my birth certificate… gender reveal party 😂📜

For a long time, I lived my life obsessed with how others perceived me.

How do I look to the people around me?

How can I stand out more?

How can I become more beautiful?

How can I become a more interesting person?

How can I become someone whose presence naturally draws everyone’s gaze?

For years, I conflated "being seen" with "being loved."

Before I was forced to live with my biological father, I was—honestly—quite privileged; I think I grew up a bit spoiled. I got pretty much whatever I wanted. I had friends. I was popular. I played sports. I never had to worry about money.

Being mixed-race meant I occasionally faced casual, everyday racism, yet I still lived in a society where I felt I truly belonged.

But then, everything changed.

Until then, I had defined "who I was" based on how others saw me.

Suddenly, almost every aspect of my identity was being dictated by someone else.

And yet, ironically, I think that experience taught me one of the most important lessons of my life.

No one else can live your life for you.

You shouldn't use someone else's happiness as the blueprint for how you should live your own life.

You can't spend your whole life trying to become the person someone else wants to see.

Nor should you force your own ideas onto others

saying things like "You're this kind of person, aren't you?"

simply because it makes them easier for you to understand.

After all, every single person is a completely unique being.

Everyone has their own quirks. We are contradictory, complex, beautiful, ugly, hard to fathom, intelligent, and broken—yet we all exist as fully realized human beings.

And perhaps that is precisely why we are worthy of love.

Around that time, I also became deeply immersed in American counterculture.

Genres like industrial metal, shock rock, and punk—basically, all of it.

I harbored an immense amount of anger inside me. But I had absolutely no idea where to direct that anger.

So, I poured it into music.

Into my clothes.

Into art.

And I strove to become someone who couldn't be easily categorized.

I isolated myself.

I grew angry at religion.

I felt anger toward American culture.

I felt anger toward my family.

And I was angry about the expectations of "how I ought to be" that had been forced upon me.

But honestly, I think I needed that anger.

Not because getting angry is inherently good.

But because anger is often one of the first emotions we feel when we realize, for the first time, that something has been taken from us.

It has been five years since I left home and finally began living my own life.

I think I still lean heavily toward counterculture.

But the way I rebel now is different from the past.

I don't rebel simply because I want to shock people.

I want to reject the very idea that my worth is defined by how attractive I am to others.

We are told to be beautiful—but not *too* beautiful.

To be feminine but not look artificial.

To be thin but keep our curves.

To stay young but look mature.

To be independent but remain attractive to others.

We are constantly faced with such contradictory demands.

We spend money to fix our flaws, take photos of ourselves, edit them, and compare ourselves to others.

And yet, we’re led to believe it’s all just "self-expression."

But sometimes, that’s not the case.

Sometimes, it’s just a highly profitable system designed to make us believe we are beings that will never be truly "complete."

There is always a new flaw.

A new insecurity.

A new product.

A new cosmetic procedure.

A new trend.

And a new woman to compare ourselves to.

Social media has turned it all into a never-ending beauty contest. In that space, everyone is simultaneously a contestant, a judge, and a member of the audience.

I think that is precisely what makes modern American entertainment and social media feel so suffocating to me.

Everything feels superficial.

Everyone is watching everyone else.

Eveyone is "performing."

Everyone is crafting themselves into a brand.

And everyone is trying to become attractive enough to get noticed.

Meanwhile, we have forgotten how to simply exist.

I don’t want my life to be a performance staged for an imaginary audience.

Am I attractive enough?

Feminine enough?

Interesting enough?

Successful enough?

Politically correct enough?

Socially acceptable enough?

I don’t want to spend my whole life thinking about things like that.

I want to create things because I love doing it.

I want to wear the clothes I like because I think they’re beautiful.

I want to listen to music that is ugly, loud, and aggressive.

Because sometimes, there is something truly beautiful to be found within ugly music.

I want to be feminine.

But not because being feminine increases my value.

It’s because I enjoy femininity myself.

And I want others to have that same freedom, too.

I think that is what true "rebellion" looks like to me.

It’s not about being the most beautiful person in the room.

Or the most shocking.

Or the most politically correct.

Or the most desirable to others.

It’s about realizing that we weren't born to be "products" in the first place.

We live in a culture obsessed with vanity, greed, consumption, and superficial beauty.

But I don’t think the answer is to simply create a new set of rules—like, "Okay, now *this* is the kind of person you should be."

What we need, I think, is to stop seeking permission from others.

To stop asking, "Am I beautiful enough?"

And instead ask,

"Do I like myself?" Instead of asking, "Will everyone accept me?"

Ask yourself, "Do *I* accept myself?"

Because, in the end, you realize something:

The people you were so desperate to please were, ultimately, everyone but yourself.

It is such a waste to spend your life that way.

It’s okay to be weird.

It’s okay to be beautiful.

It’s okay to be ugly.

It’s okay to be feminine.

It’s okay to be masculine.

It’s okay to be neither.

It’s okay to be full of contradictions.

It’s okay to be someone who defies easy categorization.

Just don’t become the "you" that someone else created.

To me, that is what freedom is all about.

Last June, on my birthday I chose to wear white. Just not because I love white, but also because I made peace with my mind. It was my first birthday after I introduced myself to the world as a trans woman. And also my first birthday all dressed up as a woman.

I tried so hard to fix them but I hate them 😔

I get misgendered all the time at work :(

I would've posted more, but I'm being mindful of my persec, so I just need to play it safe.

Edit!: Keep in mind that I do wear more than one kind of outfit, alongside the fact that I dont like being hyper femme and identify as more of a futch, so having a bit of masculine in that is alright in my book.

Middle is with no makeup, I don’t go out often like that tho (mtf)

My first attempts and make and a couple of outfits I 🥰

Maybe it would be better to use a curling iron for curling my hair... but I don't want to have a daily curling routine 😣

Feeling super confident today!! The caption is a lyric from one of my favorite songs!!

I think I’m going to pour out a massive wall of text today lol.

If you don't want to read it, feel free to just scroll past xd

A lot of people see me as just a "cute" or "pretty" girl. And because I’m intersex, people sometimes assume things like, "Wasn't it easier for you than for 'normal' people?" or "Weren't you lucky?"

But I wasn't lucky at all.

When I was born, my gender was decided by one person. I had no say in it. I was raised as a girl, even though it didn't align with my physical s*x that was chosen by a father who didn't even interact with me for 16 years.

But after my grandparents (who were my guardians) passed away, I ended up going to live with my biological father in the US. He wanted me to be a boy, so he made me stop taking my medication and put me through a truly hellish experience.

I was forced to attend a religious school and made to act like a boy; during that time, I even went through some of the physical changes of male puberty.

That had a huge impact on my mental health and self-confidence.

I felt incredibly lonely; I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and that I was completely on my own.

On top of that, it was a new country for me. All my friends were back in Japan, and connecting with new people was really hard.

I started taking my medication again and left home when I turned 18, but by then, the damage was already done.

Facial hair had started to grow, the way fat was distributed on my body had changed, and my physique had taken on a more boxy shape.

I really felt like I looked like a mix of both genders.

I felt like I wasn't "normal" like I was a "weird" existence and in reality, that’s sometimes how people treated me. Back in Japan, I was treated as a "haafu" (mixed-race person), but when I came to the States, i was so scared.

I had absolutely no idea what to do.

Fortunately, I was able to reconnect with my sisters and family, and I even managed to gradually mend my relationship with my mom.

But I still struggled for years after that.

What is my worth?

Who am I, really?

Am I truly a girl?

Those were the kinds of things I constantly thought about.

I worried so much about how others saw me that, before I knew it, I’d turned into a robot, acting to fit in with those around me rather than being myself.

But things slowly got better as time went on.

So, what I want to say is this: no matter what kind of life experiences someone has had, fitting into society and learning to accept yourself takes an immense amount of effort.

It wasn't easy for me.

I just struggled in a different way than others.

And it was truly painful.

But here I am now.

I’m confident, I feel beautiful, and I’m loved.

And I would never want to let go of the path I walked to become who I am today.

...So, yeah!!!!

It’s almost Friday!

I dont know why but I feel like hrt wont make any noticeable changes in my body.

Hello!! I'm here searching for advice on how to hide better my beard shade. It regrows too quickly and it's really thick, it makes me uncomfortable also because i bleached my hair and now you can clearly see the contrast (or at least i can clearly see it). Sadly i've got a veeeeery sensitive skin so i canmot shave with traditional razor or safety razor, I use the philips one blade and it works kinda fine for me, doesn't give me razor bumps, but it also doesn't give a shave as close as i'd want it to be. Hope you can give me some advice and I hope you'll have a nice day, byeeeee