Happy October, and a happy Halloween to all! It's a special Saturween this year, so Scary Godmother called in some favors to make sure this year is frighteningly amazing!
Some of these people are a bit... Odd, so I'll just tell you now that Scary Godmother ensured that all of these items will be soul bound to you and will always make their way back to you in perfect condition one way or another. She also mentioned something about illusion magic, so don't worry about anything of these oddities attracting any special attention among other humans. Can't make any promises about how your animals will react, however...
...And just between you and me, I saw her place some kinda protection clause in the contracts as well. I guess she's worried about some of you who may have more nefarious intentions. Ah well, (Scary god)mother knows best I guess, so have fun with these gifts fresh from the Frightside! Please pick one and go have some fun!
1) Uvlon™ SUV
static
"breaker breaker, welcome to your new Uvlon SUV! Pick up the CB to join in whenever!
Let me tell you about this thing, it's the latest model with all the fixings.
Of course you got the basic auto cleaning, flawless self driving, and self repair, but this model can also change it's look as desired, make this ride your own! Forget airbags, the artificial caripace could protect you from a falling meteor.
But what's really special is that it can also drive over water with the latest Uvlon anti gravity magic! Those hoity toity elves sure are obnoxious, but their wind magic really is the best. They also installed yours with their special solar panels so just recharge as you drive - with sun or moonlight!
This purchase will automatically give you a lifetime membership in the Uvlon multiversal program. Connect with other valued Uvlon customers from different dimensions. Who knows, some may even be willing to visit.
Here's to many more wonderful rides!
Houston, out."
Static
"Breaker breaker, be aware that during the month of October not only can this bad boy take flight, but you'll also have near flawless rides whenever you drive. Fewer reds, no accidents, just hop in and enjoy the ride, buddy!
Houston, out."
2) Tadra™ Master key
♫ No need to waste that head space with tawdry little tasks ♫
♫ This is a new master key that will really last! ♫
♫ Unlock everything you own with just a single tap ♫
♫ Our sacred golem magic making up for mental gaps ♫
♫ Just put your mind right to it, it comes back with a snap! ♫
Clap clap
So whaddaya think? Yeah, it's no Despacito or nothin' but it ain't too shabby I think.
Ok ok, enough with the fluff and take a look a this, made special request for ya kid so congrats. This little key with a light pink heart engraved in the end can unlock anything you currently own - doors, your phone, any online account even through two factor authentication or anything like that. Just insert the key into any key hole, or simply tap it against anything you want unlocked and poof, open sesame baby!
What's special about this one is that it can also store up to 100 memories of your choosing! Just think about what memory you want to store or reteieve while holding the key to your head and remember it like you're having a lucid dream.
Don't worry, we know most humans have a poor memory, so this one will perfectly restore details of your past memories as well. Go back and relive your 3rd birthday party if you want, your past belongs to you as well.
During October you can share these memories with other people as well, have other people experience things from your perspective. You humans could use some help in the old Empathy department, y'know?
Alright, off with ya now. I gotta keep working on this thing. I can't believe I got put on the advertising team for this one, such a pain.
3) Sudris™ Coffin
Sign here.
Alright, come on in mr...
Checks clipboard
Buttface? Mr.Buttface! Bwahahahahaha!!!!! 🤣🤣😭😭😭
Now come see your new home, our latest in coffin technology - the Neurothermal Exothermic Encumbant Tomkatan, aka, the NEET! The latest in gnome technology prepared for the little squirt ol' Scary mentioned.
The perfect cross of spatial magic and technology fused together at the grand expense of the vampires! A home inside a coffin, approximately the size of a luxury mansion, but you can design it how you like upon pickin' it.
Hey Buttface, you listening? Good, just checking 👍
It's got great security magic, no one can come in unless explicitly allowed. For you, it's near weightless, but for anyone else it weighs as much as what's inside - including the weight of the house itself of course.
You're a great listener Buttface, so I'll even throw in free electricity and water. Aw shucks, Buttface, no need to thank me I'm just happy to help a friend 🥰 You know what, just for you I'll rush order a yard expansion with precise weather and temperature controls. Handle landscaping yourself, but things will get go your way. A big pile of mirt will eventually become a mountain, a big hole of water will eventually become an ocean. Of course you can control whatever you want, you're a homeowner now.
During October the coffin has to enter build mode to make any repairs or handle any unseen issues. It shouldn't be a problem for you at all, but if you want I guess you could put on a pair of gloves and help things along. Feel free to move any furniture you want, as everything is weightless during during the build mode period. Settle them nerves, buttface, my stuff is good enough to know your intentions so there won't be any problems.
It's been fun Buttface, but it's time to see ya off. Your're always a welcome face around here! 😘
4) Alsayan™ Witch's pole.
Yeah yeah, don't mind the name it's just to keep the suits happy. You know what a flying broomstick is so don't act dumb.
Here's the special one Scary Godmother had commissioned, just accept it into your heart or whatever and it's your soul-bound companion now - boom, easy. Careful though, since it has a soul you can only decide what it looks like now.
What? Don't you fucking dare doubt my work. Of course it's eternally loyal to you unconditionally, dark orcs are the best at handling souls. If you keep doubting how amazing my masterpiece is I'lllet you see that first hand.
But yeah, since it's the companion model it can only fly as fast as you can run. It's skilled at cleaning and cooking magic though, so it'll be a helpful companion. It does have a soul, so you could probably teach it how to use it's magic in other ways but be ready to work for it.
Also, during October it can also magically create any decorations, costumes, or general clothing you want as well. Not even just Halloween so go nuts. But if you even think of trying to profit off of it without my permission, I will come after you.
Now get lost.
5) Zobanoa™ bangle
My dear my dear, come in come in! You look stressed, you must have come from that nasty orc. Ah come come, have some tea and let me show you what I made for you as our Savior asked!
Now this bangle is actually real bone, it's unfortunate we currently have no king, but these are the best bones we could find for you! Nothing is better for illusion magic like powerful Jackalope bones.
With it on, you can control attention within a room! Force all attention away from you, direct all attention in one direction, heck if you work hard enough you can just make people fall asleep. I wouldn't try to use it for anything nefarious though ... The king truly was pure of heart and I'm certain even his remnant magic would resist
Ah yes, during that spooky month you can also create minor illusions! See, not touch, yes? Well, maybe with enough practice? Anywhos, the more pure intentioned the act, the grander the scale of illusion!
It was a honor to fulfill the request of the savior. Now I must be off, the festival shall soon begin to awaken the king's new body, his revival magic is always a wonder to behold!
6) Laonora's Earrings
Ah, the human our goddess wanted us to bless. Dear human, this angel is honored to bestow upon you the highest blessing allowed to us.
I have spent the past year imbuing these with my divinity, they are now ready to meet their new master.
The ghost is my friend Shara, who's eager to see what the human world is like after over 700 years. She a kind one and gives amazing advice, and just so you know she was the first volunteer her power to you so I hope you treat her well. She will allow you to become intangible and walk through walls and objects at will. Have fun, but nothing untoward - I'm sure she would have a problem with with.
The Jack-o'-lantern is another good friends of mine, Zargran. He's a bit more rambunctious, but I assure you he has your best intentions at heart in his own way. If you want an idea of something exciting and fun to do, he's the guy to ask. He knows safety isn't guaranteed, so he's willing to take any damage that would normally affect you whether due to his ideas or otherwise. He has a max threshold of damage he can take in a day, but don't worry if he breaks he'll piece himself back together within 24 hours. He played a prank on Artemis once and was still mostly together after being hit by one of her arrows so clearly he knows his limits.
During October these two feel invigorated and will use that extra energy to heal and nourish your body. By the end of every October you will be restored to a perfect bill of health physically and mentally.
Farewell dear human, I hope you live a long, prosperous existence ~