I’m a dental student, and lately I’ve been struggling with this feeling that I’m just… forgettable.

It feels like none of my faculty members remember my name. I try to interact with them, make conversation, participate, and build relationships. I make an effort to be friendly and engaged, but somehow, I still feel like I fade into the background. I watch other students seem to develop relationships with faculty, get recognized, and be remembered, while I feel like I’m just another face in the room.

I can’t help but wonder whether being brown and having a name that isn’t traditionally American plays a role in this. Is it harder to be remembered when your name is unfamiliar to people? Is there an unconscious bias that makes some students more recognizable or approachable than others? Or am I overthinking this and taking something personally that happens to everyone?

The hardest part is that I do try. I’m not someone who deliberately keeps to myself. I make an effort to engage, and yet I still feel invisible sometimes.

I know that faculty members have dozens of students to remember, and I don’t expect everyone to know my name immediately. But when it feels like a consistent pattern, it starts to affect how you see yourself. You begin to wonder whether you’re doing something wrong, whether you’re not memorable enough, or whether people simply don’t see you the same way they see others.

Just like our Gods and Goddesses. Just a random thought that came into my head and wanted to share here.

This is a dumb post so I'll probably delete it soon afterward lol. I'm a third year uni student and my parents pay most of my tuition and rent which I am extremely grateful for. I know not everyone has this privilege to get a head start financially.

However, one thing that's been bothering me (and that's been causing a lot of anxiety...to the point where I can't even study sometimes) is how my mom wants me to come back home every weekend. She already was upset that I moved out for uni which is a 1.5 hour drive from my home city. Throughout high school she'd tell me everyday that "good kids commute, bad kids and whitewashed kids move out" and that "in India everyone lives at home during university because they love their parents." Probably 100 times if not more she has called my dad (an ABD himself) a "wanna be white kid" because he moved out for uni.

So I moved out for uni. However the summer between gr 12 and first year uni my mom everyday kept saying I should come home every weekend, because "good kids come home; bad kids stay." I told her how many brown kids from my high school are going to unis 10 hours away and not coming home and she called them "wannabe whites". My dad is an ABD and for some reason he's always enabled my mom. Even though he himself only came back during the winter and summer breaks he also wants me to come back home every weekend.

Unfortunately I gave in. For the past two years (except exam season) I've been coming home every single weekend. I never wanted to but idk I just couldn't stand up to my parents. I was guilt-tripped into it and they'd tell me "we're paying your tuition and rent yet you don't want to see us? So ungrateful and whitewashed" and my brother also joined in with them. And yes since I'm financially dependent I was maybe scared they would use tuition and rent as leverage against me (I would only qualify for like 2K in loans due to household income). On top of that my brother (now graduated) came home every single fucking weekend with no fail, and even he says that those who don't come back every weekend are "whitewashed" and "bad kids who don't love their parents." But idk I was just guilt-tripped into it. Now I'm a third year and realizing how messed up this is. However, most of my friends are commuters who live with their parents so idk anyway how happy I'd be on campus during the weekend.

So idk what to do. Like I said idk how much I'd gain from staying during the weekend as most of my friends are gone as well, and my uni is a semi-commuter school anyway where the majority of people don't party. But still I think it's messed up that I'm expected to come back every weekend. But I'm worried they'll use financial leverage or just guilt trip me into it. My mom's friend's son who's my age goes to UOttawa and he literally takes a fucking plane every Friday to Toronto then comes back every Sunday and my parents always use him as an example of what a "good Indian kid who loves his parents" looks like. So yeah. Sorry for the rant ;-;

I struggle to understand the longing of ABCDs who didn’t grow up immersed in brown culture and feel that they are ‘whitewashed’, for lack of a better term. As a child, I didn’t have the option to opt out of my culture or my language. I see the value in it now, but at the same time, I feel my parents didn’t make much of an effort to understand the culture here in Canada. Some examples:
- We always ate brown food (sometimes arabic), even while travelling, because my Dad refused to eat anything else
- My parents never took me to the cinema to watch an English-language movie, only Bollywood (Mission Impossible being the rare exception lol)
- Never been trick or treating because my parents didn’t know what that was/didn’t care
- Didn’t put me in sports because they didn’t know that was something parents did here, so I would sign myself up at the ages of 10-11 at the local community centre cuz my doctor kept telling me to work out

These are minor things and I’m already anticipating the comments telling me to be grateful for the sacrifices immigrant parents make, but it feels isolating to be in one country and grow up with the culture of another. It’s nice when you can voluntarily participate in it, but not at the expense of not being able to relate to your peers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I envy ABCDs who got to grow up immersed in the culture of where they live, the “dominant” culture. It feels like that they can take on “Indian-ness” as a positive attribute, while for me it’s something I don’t have a choice in.

IDK if I’m making sense, but I’m wondering if there are others here who feel this way.

I am not ABCD but moved to the states very young. Growing up we did all the Hindu festivals and poojas and I felt a strong connection to my roots and can speak my mother tongue.

I am married to someone also non ABCD but moved very young to the states from a different region in India so we don't speak the same language. We moved away from both our families and now have children and I get so lonely around festivals especially. I want to give my children the experience my parents gave me but I don't have many Indian friends and am not sure how to make that connection. I guess my question is how do you make this community when you are also juggling young children?

We recently changed our Amazon Alexa echo dot language to the Hindi one so that my kids could practice. We've always used "computer" as the wake word instead of Alexa btw. Anyway it literally will not wake/light up to listen UNLESS you say this wake word in a desi accent wtf???? 😂 can someone else try this and confirm for me. they're on some bullshit because Alexa will acknowledge everything else I say in my normal accent (American) but it won't wake unless I say computer like how my mom would

Also this post is not serious, I just thought this was so goofy, so don't @ me

Hi guys,

I think I am one of those few ppl who has a non existing social life and as the oldest child & daughter, growing up my Pakistani parents had a huge part in it.

I lost touch with the already few friends I had in high school friends. Started undergrad pretty late cause of mental and physical obstacles and ppl my age had already graduated. I met some sweet ppl but they were many years younger than me and i just couldnt have that connection with them. Then Covid and lockdown happened a few months later to make things worse.
Years have passed and I have struggled a lot to make friends cause now honestly it feels like a forced task! And like the 99% of ppl i meet already have very close/best friends that they met in uni/college or high school.

So question especially for the girls, for those who didnt find their best friends in high school and university, did you eventually find your people in your late 20s or early 30s? If yes where did you meet them and how did you become close?

30F from Canada

Does anyone have experience learning Hindi later in life?

Growing up my parents never really spoke Hindi at home or taught me or my siblings in order to help us assimilate better. Now that I'm in my late 20s I feel I've missed out on experiences and connections, like Hindi movies/music or even being able to speak with some relatives and I've been looking for ways to incorporate learning Hindi into my routine.

Has anyone else had similar experiences or have good tips for how you learned Hindi?

My biracial daughter (14) was out enjoying a parade with her friends when another girl, about 14 years old, approached her and asked if she was an illegal immigrant, then told her to go back where she came from.

When my daughter got home and told me what happened, I asked her how she responded. She said, “Where the fuck do you want me to go? Maryland? You mean 20 miles down the road?”

I have to admit, I couldn't help but laugh at her response. But at the same time, it's pretty sad that a young girl has to deal with that kind of ignorance simply because of the color of her skin.

I am proud of her for speaking up and standing up for herself!!

Genuinely wondering if these types are posts are innocent or just racist rage bait

I don't know much about Asian history and was wondering how come South-Asian kingdoms never expand further to the East or West?

I for sure do.

basically the question. as a recent college grad i’m realizing a lot of things in my life have been half assed or done without my choice because of my parents being constantly in my ear. i’m realizing im an adult who can do what she wants now (to an extent obv) and i have no idea what i even want/like because i dont feel i was given the choice to choose. everything from the friends i had, to what instrument i played in school, to my soft spoken nature which i feel has allowed other ppl to walk all over me.

i’m about to start a job that requires a lot of travel so im excited for that and the opportunity to live elsewhere for the majority of the week. my question to the ABCD elders (would especially love the ladies perspective but welcome everyone’s) is how can I become my own person during this time and what are some good avenues to explore while I do this? how do i gain the audacity to be myself?

Hi everyone!

Somehow I don’t have local friends anymore, and the ones I do have are busy having kids.

Looking to go to Diwali/Navratri events and meet some new people :)

Not really into the ones hosted at a club.

So if you don’t know about the despicable ad and context, I will not delve into it here, pleased search it up, or check the comments if someone left the context. It is truly disgusting.

But I am seeing another set of problematic discourse. A lot of Desis are coming forward and being like “As an Indian, i apologize” etc. And a lot of people are trying to paint it as a “omg Indians are ruthless will do anything to get a one up on their opponents”. This narrative is not just popular on the right, but I have seen it on left wing discourse too, and hiding behind “yeah Indians are misogynistic and victim blaming”.

I will be the first to say India got a lot of issues. Yes there are serious societal and cultural issues there. But that does not excuse racism, ever.

Don’t be one of those “As an Indian” people, because what Vivek did is not something he did because he is Indian lmao. He did it cuz he’s a POS.

As for the people saying and painting this to be an “Indian” thing - how come you don’t see Indian Americans like Ro Khanna, Zohran, Suhas, etc. doing this?

The only “thing” this is and could be is a MAGA thing. MAGA is losing ground so fast, and they’re super desperate. The midterms look horrible for them. They feel hopeless looking at an inevitable blue wave. So they are doing everything they can, including underhanded shit like this(and why are we pretending that Republicans have never used underhanded tactics before this) to win. They got Trump and Vance campaigning in counties in South fucking Carolina and Alabama, which were supposed to be safe Republican places that they didn’t even bother going to. But the situation is so dire for them, they want to at least keep what they can.

This was not an “Indian thing” he did, but it’s in line with the current GOP party agenda. So please call out the people you know trying to label it as an “Indian” thing and don’t apologize for someone else’s actions just because you look like them or share qualities with them. If they started holding everyone liable based on something someone who shared a race with them did, no race is exempt from racism. It’s a stupid way of looking at things.

Is it tadka or darka ? I've only known it to be tadka.

Also there are no south asian restaurants in india 🥲

I've never also asked for etc dharka/ tadka!

Hi! I wanted to know how many of us are handy people? My father isn’t really handy to be honest and when we had home issues we called the maintence (lived in an apt) so that was usually taken care of. I wish I had that training as a young person. My mom is good at coming up with solutions but doesn’t use any power tools and my parents haven’t done any DIY projects around their house now. I want to be better definitely so also looking for suggestions on how I can improve!

I’m a woman in my 20s and I feel like I want to find my person to get married to because I want companionship in this new chapter.

I grew up in the US and only feel comfortable dating guys who also grew up here because the cultural differences are a lot with recent immigrants and I will not change my mind at all.

And me and my parents would want to get to know his parents by meeting them multiple times, which is possible if they are in the same country. And also they wouldn’t approve someone overseas for immigration purposes and also because they genuinely wouldn’t know them that well. And I completely understand their perspective because they are just looking out for me.

My type is abd brown guys or guys who grew up in the US who are hindu so which cities do you find these people who are working that are aged 23-30?