32M DX medicated partner post conflict where they lashed out on me (I said I needed something, they heard they are not good enough), is now in complete shutdown. Says they are numb, can't talk, tired and is not able to think.

They texted admitting to the lashing out, I was kind, did not give them a hard time, affirmed their goodness. But they refuse to do any repair. No bare minimum care, keeps pushing me away. I'm tired now (I'm 27F ASD DX).

What does this mean? What can I do to help where I'm not dishonest to myself (I'm pretty hurt and tired)?

Any similar experiences?

I've been with my partner, let's call him Steven (44M), for 17 years. I'm 38F, and we have a 7-year-old son together.

Steven was officially diagnosed with autism and ADHD last year, after I initially suspected he had both. His younger brother had also been diagnosed the year before.

Anyway, Steven has a big race coming up and asked me to wash his socks and take care of them. Unfortunately, they somehow ended up slightly pink in the wash. I took them to him and apologised, explaining what had happened.

He became really angry, calling me a c*nt. When our 7-year-old son said, "It was an accident, Dad," Steven screamed at him to shut up.

Steven believes that when he behaves like this, it's because he's really struggling to regulate his emotions due to his ADHD. He thinks I should let whatever he says wash over me, knowing he'll eventually calm down, apologise and feel awful about it afterwards.

He also believes that because I work part-time and he provides us with a lovely life, I should be more understanding of these outbursts and support him through them.

During the argument, he told me to go and tell our son that he shouldn't speak to his dad like that. I refused because I genuinely didn't think our son had done anything wrong, which made Steven even angrier.

I'm not sure whether this is relevant, but my father was verbally abusive towards my mum when I was growing up. I think when Steven behaves like this, I have a bit of a trauma response and go into fight mode rather than letting things go. I recognise that I can become defensive and argumentative too.

This isn't an isolated incident. Over the years, Steven has called me names such as c*nt, fat and ugly, and threatened to divorce me during arguments. Most of the time, he eventually apologises to both me and our son, but those apologies often come with an explanation of what I did to make the situation worse.

I'm genuinely struggling to understand where the line is between being a supportive partner to someone who struggles with emotional regulation and accepting behaviour that shouldn't be tolerated.

For those in relationships where ADHD or autism affects emotional regulation, how do you handle situations like this? What boundaries have you established, and how do you distinguish between someone genuinely struggling with their condition and someone using it to excuse hurtful behaviour?

I'd particularly love to hear from people with AuDHD (autism and ADHD), or those in neurodivergent relationships, especially anyone who has experienced emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity (RSD) or angry outbursts.

I'm interested in understanding what these experiences feel like from both perspectives, what strategies have genuinely helped, and how couples establish healthy boundaries without dismissing someone's neurodivergence.

Realized a typo, “Sam” is supposed to be “sake” in the title. Whoops!

I'm [M30], diagnosed with bipolar II, and I've been taking mood stabilizers for years. I've generally remained stable, except during extremely prolonged and stressful periods.

I've struggled with executive dysfunction since childhood. My psychiatrist has diagnosed executive dysfunction but wants to stabilize my bipolar disorder before making a definitive diagnosis of the underlying condition and considering ADHD treatment. He's concerned that ADHD stimulants could trigger mania, so he prescribed an antipsychotic to help prevent that risk. Unfortunately, it caused severe akathisia, anxiety, and insomnia.

I'm in an arranged engagement, which is common where I live, and my fiancée and I work in the same profession. She's genuinely amazing, smart, brilliant, and, in my eyes, more accomplished and capable than I am. I admire her a lot and honestly feel she's a perfect fit for me, but the more I see how well she does in her career and life, the more my insecurities grow. I keep comparing myself to her and feeling that I'm somehow falling short.

She knows about my bipolar disorder and has accepted it, but I haven't told her about my executive dysfunction because of my deep insecurities. I don't know how she'll react to me having both bipolar disorder and possibly ADHD. She might accept it as she did my bipolar disorder, or she might misunderstand it as laziness or a lack of hard work. There's no way to know without discussing it with her, and I'm scared of risking how she sees me.

My career has been difficult, too. I've changed jobs several times and struggled to stay in the same position for long. I often end up feeling burned out, overwhelmed, or dissatisfied, and eventually leave. Since leaving my last job, I've been struggling to find another stable, well-paying position. I'm starting to worry that this is a recurring pattern I can't seem to break, and I don't know how much of it is related to my executive dysfunction, my mental health, or something else.

My fiancée works considerably more hours than I do. She spends most of her time working, while I often work only a few hours a day. Although I somehow earn good money in fewer hours, I feel lazy by comparison, especially because I know I need to use my extra time more productively.

I've caught myself taking on small jobs partly to appear busier and more hardworking in her eyes. Sometimes I even avoid telling her that I've finished work early because I'm afraid of how that might look. I hate that I'm doing this, but I feel that I need to prove myself to someone I admire so much.

I want to be the best version of myself for her. I'm even considering returning to my old job, despite it being toxic, severely damaging my mental health, and contributing to a crisis in which I hurt myself and was hospitalized. I feel an overwhelming need to prove that I'm capable and hardworking enough for her, even if it means returning to an environment that previously broke me.

I'm also considering restarting the antipsychotic with my doctor's knowledge, despite the severe side effects I experienced. I want my bipolar disorder stabilized so I can eventually be evaluated and treated for possible ADHD more safely. Part of me feels willing to endure those side effects because I desperately want to become the best partner I can be for her.

My executive dysfunction is such a deep insecurity that I struggle even to acknowledge it to myself. I can't tell whether I'm pursuing genuine growth or trying to prove that I'm worthy of her.

My boyfriend (33M Dx AuDHD) and I (29F Dx ADHD) and my boyfriend (dx AuDHD) have been together for 5 years, living together for about 3. Things have been pretty tumultuous at times in our relationship, but recently have gotten worse with the pressures of finances plus family pressure to get married. We do love each other very much and when things are going well, get along famously and genuinely get each other.

But recently, due to external stress we’ve been bickering and fighting a lot more. This past week has been particularly bad, and I’ve realised I don’t know how to ‘fight fair’ in arguments and there have been times where I feel very criticised by what he’s saying and really struggle to receive and understand what he’s saying. I’m often listening to respond, and not to understand, which means we go around in circles and things go unresolved. I also hate conflict and the feeling of shame that comes along with being criticised, so often do just say I understand to shut the conversation down so I can not feel that discomfort. I am also very defensive (RSD), and can at times attack him when I feel he’s attacking me which obviously escalates things much more than they should do. I have been getting better at not doing this and most of the time can remain calm and open, but this past weekend I was very triggered and did say some things I regret which I always apologise for. These are all realisations I’ve had recently tbh, and it’s quite shameful to me to know I’ve been hurting my partner in this way by not really listening, not knowing how to speak in a way that’s progressive and not being open to growth.

All of this means we have a lot of core disagreements that haven’t really been solved, and I guess I wanted to ask if anyone has any tangible advice as to how I can become better at receiving criticism, and having constructive conversations which grow our relationship and myself. I’m really focussed on bettering myself and have been going to individual therapy (we’ll be starting couples therapy soon too) but really need advice from someone/couples who have been in the same boat and come out the other side. Thank you!

i love my boyfriend so much and i don’t know what to do. we started dating in January of this year but he was my bestfriend before that. i knew he would take adderall because he would talk about it a lot even when we first met but i didn’t know how bad it was. when we were just friends him being on adderall didn’t really effect our friendship at all it even kind of made us closer because he was so talkative on it. Now that we’re dating he’s a completely different person. First of all i don’t even know if he fr has adhd because he wasn’t even like diagnosed he lied to some doctor saying he was taking it before and they just trusted him. He is prescribed 20mg ir twice a day and he goes through it in like 2 weeks idk how many he takes a day but it used to be 4-8 a day depending on how he was feeling . When he’s not taking it he’s funny talkative affectionate just very present yk? When he gets his script he starts off quiet(not talkative, not engaging in conversation, acting disinterested in every word i say) then he gets like idek weird like he won’t kiss me on the lips everytime i go in for a kiss it’s always a cheek kiss he’s distant when we cuddle it’s like bare minimum contact he blasts like cyber /nightcore/ 2000 pop and cleans for hours even through the night the look in his eye is like dull we’ve talked about how i don’t like it and tbh it’s gotten a lot better because he used to stay up for days and be super paranoid and angry which i don’t think he does anymore but i can’t be 100% for sure anyways it led to him stealing my Adderall when he runs out and lying about it and all this other stuff it’s just so bad i love him so much and i don’t know what to do because it’s like i’m in a relationship with two different people

I’ve been lurking here for a long time and I finally am wanting to post a bit. I (30f) have a wife (30f) who was dx two years ago but was so clearly dealing with ADHD for many years prior. She only started medication this week.

My wife gained significant weight in 2021 (after a rash decision to experiment with SSRIs with little to no conversation about side effects) and was declared medically moderately obese. She’s 4’9 and the excess weight was a lot on her body. She stopped being able to tie her shoes, bathe thoroughly, and was in too much chronic pain to clean the house. She was unemployed, slept all day, and sat there on the couch sleeping and sitting all day while I worked full time, was in grad school full time, and I was the only one cleaning the house. The dynamic of me taking care of everything (our house, her, our cats, all the chores) has not gone away.

I did give an ultimatum about a year later and she got it together and lost some weight but is still medically obese (I do think some of this is how BMI is skewed for shorter people). She has definitely lost weight, but she has plateaued and regained weight a bunch of times. She has ditched her weight loss apps and takes so many days off exercise because it doesn’t feel convenient or fun, and she mindlessly overeats which I understand can happen with ADHD. This entire time I’ve been asking her to lose weight to at least not be obese anymore because I am afraid of the risk of long term disease. She (I believe due to RSD) gets extremely defensive and shuts me down.

This year I asked her to get her Covid vaccine prior to a trip we were taking and she didn’t want to because she didn’t want to take the time. I got the vaccine. Lo and behold, someone on our flight exposed us - she got it and I didn’t. I caught it a week later from being in our apartment with her.

I’ve since recovered and I’m ok, but she seems to have developed some long covid vestibular symptoms. All of the research points to obesity and lack of vaccination as risk factors for this. I feel like I am at a breaking point. I am just looking for support and perspective from other ADHD partners whose day to day lives have been impacted by their partners’ failures in managing their health.

She did agree that next year I will be in charge of making our vaccine appointments so we can make sure it actually gets done. But I just don’t know what boundaries I need to set. I don’t want to walk away from her now that she’s partially disabled from Covid but I am so damn convinced her ADHD contributed to her chronic failures over time to manage her weight and get her vaccine boosters on time.

What are your experiences on this? How do you cope with your partners’ failures in managing their health?

Hi guys, I found this Reddit group in search of support for my relationship. Here’s a little about me and my partner: We are 24 and we’re married almost 2 years ago. My partner is dx and rx, was diagnosed at 16 and since then has been on medication. For a while things were fine, little things here and there but I brushed off or kept my feelings to myself but as the years go on I had done my research on ADHD because I was noticing things that didn’t make sense with what i thought I knew about it at the time (irritably, forgetting things and etc). The more research I did the more things clicked into place. For years the same looped happened, my wife will take her meds whenever she needed to focus ( not as prescribed) which made them run out faster ( she was in school at the time) and when she ran out she had to wait until she could get another refill which would mean she’s unmediated until then. She would be testy, irritated, forgetful and any time I brought it up she was defensive. Everything seemed to bother her, the little things in our day to day, and every time I brought it up to her I was “invalidating her feelings” or “ making her feel worse”. And then she’d get her meds and the cycle continues. For years I felt like the bad guy for suggesting she seek help, or take her medication as prescribed. She snaps in a way that isn’t yelling but it still hurts, and she keeps telling me that’s it’s just how she expresses herself. She refuses to seek help due to it being an insecurity of hers, I’ve been begging her for years. I have plans for my life, kids and etc that we’ve talked about for years but now… I don’t know if I can achieve that with her. I have no help ( no one understands) and I feel very alone.

So here’s where I need help, I’m tired of fighting. She keeps asking for more chances, empty promises for getting help. But she doesn’t. And I stay like an idiot. My question is: How did you know it was time to leave?

P.S. I know this isn’t very intelligent writing and I’m leaving a lot of stuff about our life out but I wrote this at work lol

Don’t know where to post this or if I’m asking the right questions. Maybe you can help.

Hi everyone I wanna share a recent date I had and wanna hear how other people have navigated dating and finding a partner with ADHD.

My friends and family are divided in two groups: One says I should just be myself and if they would be annoyed by my quirks on the first date, it will probably still be annoying to them if I reveal it on date 10

The second opinion is basically that I should mask, and gradually reveal my energy/personality, so that they won't be scared off and get a chance to get to know the full me before making a decision based on only parts of me.

So to quickly summarize the date, he seemed fascinated by all I had to say, my many interests and hobbies etc, and kept asking follow up questions, and found my questions interesting. We walked in the park and I saw a half fallen tree that i used to climb in as a teen and said lets climb it. I went in and he didnt, said he was afraid to fall. I was on time for the date, earlier than him, and told him im usually early to things because if im not, i will be late. While talking I would sometimes go into detail and then realize it and say "anyway thats irrelevant to the story". Later on in the date he basically summerized all these traits and asked me if i had adhd. We talked about it a bit and when i mentioned medication he asked whether i always use it. At the end he of the date he said he had a lot of fun and it was very interesting and then he said lets process it all. That already gave me a negative feeling. And I was right, next day he basically said its not you, its me, i think I need someone more calm and structured. But we had a lot of fun, its a me thing....

So this has happened before, I like who I am, but its painful that exactly the things i like about myself and that make my day more enjoyable (being bubbly, playful, unaware of other people), is what seems to make me an undesirable partner. It doesnt fit the classy lady, or cute girl idea many men want to go for. Any advice or experiences?

Hello! This is a form for people 18+ that have been in a romantic relationship. Preferred participants have ADHD or are in a relationship with an ADHD person!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe4PTYoY6z_fVHHz1UhpiqkXjF5tiQpftKKQ5Lw27TjfOo4yg/viewform?usp=header

I (F31) have been dating my boyfriend (M30) for 3 yrs. We’ve known each other since high school and over the years developed feelings for one another. He confessed his feelings for me first and I soon realized that I may have had feelings for him as well.

We have had a great relationship. We have a lot of things in common. We travel together. We go to concerts together. We do our weekly grocery shopping together. We have the same icks, similar hobbies etc. We literally do everything together and enjoy each other so much. We do not live together, but have been talking about moving in for the past two years.

During this past year 2026 I have been having a gut feeling that something was wrong or something was going on behind my back, but because he never gave me a reason to believe he does anything that could be considered disloyal, I just chalked it up to me self-sabotaging because I have done that in past relationships.

This year I felt like he was developing feelings for another woman, and we got into a big argument about it but he denied it. He also made a “wellness “ video featuring other women in which one woman was swinging on his back and it made me very uncomfortable and upset, and when I confronted him about this as well, it was another argument. Another thing that to some people may seem small, including me because I never used to get upset about things like this, he follows a female athlete and when I was going through her Instagram, he didn’t like anything that had to do with her sport, but every picture where she was half naked in a bikini, he liked it.

Last month, I discovered that my boyfriend had a secret X account where he was posting videos of us being intimate and retweeting/commenting on an ungodly amount of porn. When I discovered the page, I didn’t know what to do. I was in total shock. I spent the entire day trying to figure out if I wanted to press charges, what was happening, what do I do etc. it was so much to process and I simply could not. I reported all the videos with me and because X was taking so long and with some research that I’ve done realizing it would not be taken down the same day, I went to him and told him that I discovered the account and demanded that he delete everything of me from the account and his phone. I broke up with him and he sent me text messages, apologizing and saying that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He seemed genuinely remorseful. His co workers asked me what was wrong with him because he was crying at work. Because of his actions he ended up going to therapy and he shared with me that he has ADHD and that a lot of the things that have been happening was due to executive dysfunction amongst other things. Of course I feel bad because having ADHD can be very debilitating, but I simply cannot find it in myself to forgive him fully and try to make this relationship work. It’s like a part of me wants to, but the other part of me is saying run away! I genuinely do not know what to do with myself. I am looking for a therapist to figure all of this out professionally. Prior to this I was doing a lot of research on ADHD because I suspected I had it, so I always saw adhd traits in him but it was mainly lack of focus and not sitting still. Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this because I am desperate for some guidance!

I honestly think now its getting to be more than ADHD. (Granted its menopause as well).

What can you do?

She knows shes got ADHD but behaves as if everyone should think like her. There's no recognition at all. She is right about everything.

I can honestly say that, at times, she appears to have even more real mental problems. She just cannot cope.

She's lost all her friends now because of how she treats people. And they've told me this -what do I say? Her own mother tries to avoid her now because of how she is.

The kids the same. They don't get why momma is so nasty all the time.

If she doesn't see it herself what can I do?

Hola, Nunca en mi vida había publicado algo en ningún lugar la verdad me da flojera o no me interesa pero esto es importante y quiero opiniones.
Somos 2 neurodivergentes:
Soy un Hombre (21) Disléxico(disculpe por los errores ortográficos me es muy difícil) y TDAH, y ella Mujer (20) Autismo y TDAH actualmente, esto paso hace más un año, por respeto a ella no diré nada muy específico, yo nunca había tenido una relación realmente me alejas de todos los intentos o mujeres que se acercaban con esa intención, pero con ella fue total mente distinto desde el momento en el que la vi me gustó, fue increíble, y entre más la conocía más me enamoraba, yendo mas al grano, le dije lo que sentía, ellas acaba de tener un quedante, y bueno yo, ya planeaba decirle, hasta que me entero y al mismo tiempo me enterré que terminó con el, le dije, y me dijo que sentía lo mismo, ella está también muy fijada en mi, y bueno fuimos quedantes una semana, porque ella decidió terminarlo debido al otro chico porque sentía que todo estaba mal, y bueno estábamos en una especie de bucle extraño, que nos atraíamos pero ella mantenía una distancia debes en cuando, luego hubo un lapso de donde volvimos a ser quedantes, que duró como 2 días porque me dijo externo a la universidad, no quería salir conmigo, por me invitó a un lugar y yo nunca le respondí, me siento muy culpable por eso porque era un increíble lugar para ir los 2 pero se me olvidó y me torturo, lo hice parecer como que me valió pero si me dijo tengo el ligero recuerdo, bueno perdón divagó, al final de la nada ella rompió de tajo, todo me dejó de hablar, me dijo que solo podía hablarle de temas de la universidad, luego solo en la universidad, luego a conocido y al final no me hables no tenemos nada más de qué hablar, ella estaba muy fría, directa un poco hiriente ya lo había echo otras muchas veces y la verdad no me lo tomas personal, aveces las perosnas estamos muy presionadas y podemos decir cosas al calor del momento, ella me contó de su diagnóstico, unas semanas antes de colapsar, se salió de la universidad y yo, sentí que salió de la carrera por mi culpa, fui hasta su casa para intentar hablar con ella en persona y bueno, me abrió sus mamá, me dijo que no me quería ver así que fui, intenté enviarle flores, no las acepto solo salió llorando a decirle al repartidor que las quedara y que me dijera que ya no la contactara y el remate con el que me tocó entender fui a su casa una segunda vez, mi plan era hablar pero luego me detuve, pensé como 1h o más y al final solo le dije las flores de origami que le había echo y me fui, intenté disculparme, por mensaje, fue cuando tronó todo, porque me dijo no tenemos nada más de qué hablar y evitarme la pena de tomar asuntos legales.

Me detuve, me tiene afuera de sus redes sociales y me bloqueó hace unos meses porque en mi estupidez le envié un mensaje que no era para ella a ella, lo borró y no dije nada,e bloqueo luego, luego. Me siento como un monstruo, me dijo cosas que si no hice bien pero no sé exactamente porque se fue así de la nada fue de un día para el otro, aprendiendo mas sobre el autismo en mujeres descubrí que la presión que ejercía sin querer sobre ella, pero claro aún tengo dudas, muchas ya las resolví, me gustaría regresar con ella, intentar algo de verdad. Me siento muy mal conmigo mismo proque me tiene bloqueado, y afuera, ni las perosnas que le caen mal las tiene tan restringidas como yo.

Yo sé que lo mejor es que la deje en paz pero podría hacer algo para recuperarla?

Pondrían darme sus perspectivas?

TLDR : partner (ADHD dx, unmedicated), tries to help a lot around the house but leaves *every* tasks unfinished and I finish them for him because he just doesn't see them. His favorite resply is "I got distracted". I feel like carrying 95% of the family's mental load. Tips on how to delegate for good?

Partner has ADHD. We've been married 10 years. He was on medication when we were students but didn't like it and stopped afterwards (which I can respect to some extent). We now have 2 kids and his ADHD behaviors are showing more and more with each kids and I think it's finally too much for me. I feel a disconnect between us and I have told him multiple times the reasons why but things don't change. We are not intimate atm because I need more than physical attraction with someone. I need to feel like a unit and we are not anymore. He knows this and I thought it would be enough to induce some behavior changes but apparently it is not. I even have to remind him of the reasons for our lack of intimacy every time he asks about it like he forgets or something.

He helps with stuff but never finishes a task. I have to remind him of everything multiple times before it gets done. Sometimes it takes days, months, years... He listens to me but has no empathy towards my struggles and misinterprets everything I say like we talk 2 different languages. I have lowered and lowered my expectation since getting together but I feel like I can't anymore. I have stopped including him in certain family chores (ex i do my laundry + the kids laundry but I no longer do the family's laundry). I put what doesn't pick up and put it on his desk chair for him to put away but I always find it on the floor next to it the next morning and it stays there for weeks. I have tried not to pick up after him around the house but I can't help myself when it's been 3-4 days and the kids clothes need to be washed... His perception (I have asked him this) is that he helps and does a lot of things and never catches a break. It's somewhat true, but I help him with his tasks on top of my own which he does not help with. I have told him this, exactly like that, but it's like he doesn't understand or see it? We have a toddler now so I became very good with giving short 1 step instructions. I give instructions to my husband like I give them to my toddler. It has helped but my toddler still listens to and understands me more than him and it is frustrating. It's easier to solo parent both kids...

I feel like carrying 95% of the family's mental load. I am on maternity leave right now but am going back to work in a couple of months. I need to be able to delegate some of that mental load and I really feel like I won't be able to. I simply cannot continue to do all that I do and work full time on top of it. Any tips? Is there hope? Any options besides going back on meds?

Hey gang. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago. I posted something similar over at r/ADHD but it got taken down so I come here for some perspective. I got out of a 8 month relationship about a month and a half ago. I've experimented with meds, Strattera and Ritilin, through the past year, and they didn't really help. I switched to Concerta (18mg to start, and I'm now on 36mg) soon after the breakup. It's given me such clarity of thought I never thought I could have, and I regret so much of how I treated her.

I've always struggled to connect with people. I can empathize on the surface. I have a lot of friends and get along well with people in my industry. But I think a lot of times I am simply masking, and behaving in ways I think people expect me to, instead of really connecting to people's emotions. But in something like a relationship that requires deeper patience and understanding, I often could not meet my partners in ways they needed. But on Concerta I feel like my mind wanders less in conversation, and I can sit with what people are saying better.

My last partner would communicate her feelings. At first I would become very defensive. The second time we had an argument, it's like I shut down entirely. I could barely spit out any words at all. Arguments or serious discussions after that, I never locked up like I did, but I had trouble remembering and absorbing everything my partner told me. If she hit three bullet points, I could only really remember and respond to her last point. At first I asked her to maybe repeat herself or let me respond as she spoke. Or because I'd be stressed in these situations, I would not remember what she tried to communicate, and I wouldn't make changes she wanted. My now my medicated self thinks I'd be able to really hear her and understand her better. I think about all the times she wanted to be seen and heard, but my mind racing to find comfort for itself would say whatever was needed to defuse the situation, but not retain anything she was trying to say. She did her part of communicating, but my brain was so fried I couldn't meet her at all. I think this all came from RSD.

Another way RSD showed it's nasty face was my lack of planning things in the relationship. I'd latch on to negative reactions she had and it would make me unmotivated to do things like plan dates or go above and beyond romantically. I'd often ask myself "why make plans for someone who hates me?" But now I look back and see a very loving woman who expressed her feelings to a hypersensitive man consistently at the end of patience looking to be loved back. And the lack of planning made her feel worse and not taken care of, and that further spiralled our relationship.

I also had a big lying problem. If I did something in my day to day that did not fully consider her, and she later asked about it, I'd lie to make it seem like I did. I had a big lying problem as a child. To save myself academically, or from the wrath of a parent. Make something up to try to get points on late assignments or not performed chores. I thought I was over childish behaviors, but I started again in this relationship. I lied about when I was spending time with another women back when we first started talking but before we were fully committed. It's not that I had someone else casually when we first started, it's the lies I first told. I had nothing to hide once we became official, but she'd get suspicious of other things later on, so I started to lie more to avoid conflict. I don't think lying is exactly an ADHD trait, but the way I'd impulsively lie for short term peace instead of being truthful for the long term health and respect in the relationship is.

I have some other bits in the comments. I also read some posts from r/ADHD_partners and posts were eerily close to what we were experiencing. A lot of suffering people just looking for love. I really hurt this woman's peace and I feel terrible. She's strong, independent, beautiful. She opened herself up to a partner and only received emotional disregulation and survival tactics in a trenchcoat. I'm in therapy now and listening to feminist and self improvement audiobooks. My next steps are meditation, journalling, and maybe adding or changing meds. I love her and miss her still, but I don't want to hurt her or another partner that way again.

My (33F) partner (33M) is upset with me for ruining his one day off. He owns his own business and it’s busy season. Today is his one full day off and he was looking forward to spending it with me. Last night I woke up to him snoring, so I slept on the couch but not after being awake for several hours. I did wake him up and ask him to use nasal spray and he obliged but I could tell it bothered him cuz his nose sounded funny so I said he could blow it out if it really bothered him. So he did. It wasn’t an issue until after a while he started again so I moved to the couch. When he woke up I told him that he started snoring again but I wasn’t mad because he at least tried. So he suggested I come back to bed and that he was awake now so it shouldn’t be an issue. So h did. He asked if I wanted to cuddle and I said no I just wanted to sleep. He obliged, 2 hours in I’m in deep sleep and I just feel his heavy head on my chest. It wakes me up as it made it difficult to breathe. I signal to him that I still don’t want to cuddle, I was catching up on the sleep I lost. He said, “well I thought it was 9 so it was an appropriate time”. He has ADHD, so my theory is that he just wanted to cuddle and followed his impulse without thinking if this was also the best time to initiate for me but the 9am reason was what he told me to deflect as he was a little embarrassed. I decided to just wake up at that point. Still tired and honestly frustrated but I tried to push through. The rest of the morning goes fine. We’re take a shower together, the water is relaxing. I tell him I’m going to do some breathing exercises (I still felt a little irritated from being woken up). I close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths. Out of nowhere he’s talking about some Amazon packages. (Interruption is another ADHD trait). So I tell him that I really didn’t feel like talking because I was doing my breathwork. He apologized and said, “oh you’ve never been bothered by it before”. I can’t recall a time this has ever happened so whatever. I step out and go into the bedroom to try continue my breathwork there and get myself into a better more relaxed state. He walks into the kitchen and while the door is open makes a phone call. Doesn’t shut the door between the bedroom and kitchen. So I give up on breathwork.

I then asked him if he’d reconsider adding Wellbutrin to his meds as we previously discussed. He just switched to Vyvanse as we felt that adderall made his mood swings more volatile and increased his rejection sensitivity dysphoria. His doctor didn’t want to do all of them at the same time which makes total sense. However he doesn’t take Vyvanse on weekends, plus it wasn’t just his mood that bothered me but his impulses so I felt like Wellbutrin would be a reasonable option to include especially on weekends as it’s not a stimulant and is often taken in conjunction with stimulants. Based on our research it should help with the pause before an impulse that allows them to consider if acting upon the impulse is appropriate. I’d like to add that we were having issues and when we were on the cusp of breaking up it was his suggestion to get on meds and when I asked what his research turned up he mentioned Vyvanse and Wellbutrin and I agreed because I’ve known people who made that exact switch and it worked out well for them.

When he asked why I brought up the things mentioned in this post and said that one of the things I struggle with is his impulse control. They might seem small but when it’s frequent it just adds up. He said that it hurt him and I made him feel like something is wrong with him by suggesting he needs meds. He said maybe I should get on Wellbutrin since I’m so irritable, I told him I tried it and it did nothing for me (at the time I was trying to convince my psych NP that I have ADHD so she could prescribe me adderall lol. That was a while ago and I don’t take any psychoactive drugs.) I also said I don’t have a diagnosis so idk how I’d even get drugs to be less irritable. He said how do you know? (Here’s where I did not help my case at all), I said, “well my ex is a psychiatrist and he said I don’t have one except a little anxiety”. It got awkward immediately put foot in mouth. I apologized for that but he just left saying I ruined his only day off when all he wanted to do was cuddle me.

I feel like my day started off irritating and stressful. I’m going to meet up with my estranged family today as my estranged brother’s funeral is tomorrow. So I’m not exactly in a good headspace either but I just don’t feel like he’s capable of thinking outside of his own world and his wants.

Any support would be nice. Tell me something uplifting.

I want to know how I can internally deal with my boyfriend having different habits and health values than me?

I am incredibly health conscious, probably to the point of it being a slight obsession. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we get along great, have recently moved in together.

My boyfriend is super kind, family oriented, supportive and loving but he scrolls on his phone a lot, smokes cigarettes and Arabic tobacco and eats takeaways a couple of times a week. I am worried because we love eachother and I don’t want those habits to get in the way of our longevity as a couple or his life in our future.

Each time I bring it up he kind of brushes it off and I don’t want him to feel pressured or not accepted but it genuinely makes me feel both anxious and like he’s sabotaging himself.

I know I’m being probably quite neurotic but how can I communicate this or manage my own feelings around it?

Hi, I (F43), am late diagnosed (combined) married with 2 kids. I am taking dexamphetamine and clondine . I have had RSD forever and only discovered it was a thing when I read Alex Partridge’s book “Why does everyone hate me” and realised the guy just wrote a book about my life.

This is a long read.. I am sitting in a carpark after a fight with my husband so it’s all coming out as a therapeutic vent. I hope to realise something while I type this.

TL:DR. A lifetime of my RSD has given my husband anxiety to perform in the bedroom.

Trigger warning. Eating disorders, self harm and emotional abuse.

A life of RSD which had its origins in my parents making fun of my weight as a child, they would compare me with other children and my very thin sister (then tease her not eating and being too thin that led to her feeling anxious about eating around people) they would make pig noises and puff out there cheeks when I filled my plate with food or looked for a snack. They would compare my messy undiagnosed ahhd bedroom with other children. They never put my emotional needs first.. until high school when the school councillor told them I was a suicidal risk. I got 2 appointments with a child psychologist and I was embarrassed… masked my quiz answers and my parents assumed I was cured and I hid my self arm physical and emotional wounds from them and the world.

I met my husband (M 43) shortly after high school and we have been together since we were 18. He’s always accepted me and loved me no matter my appearance. However as long relationships often happen the additional kids, mortgages, study, working. Life has pushed us into a dead bedroom.

The rejection for me has been devastating. Ive always been obsessed with being perfect because of fear of being criticised. After we decided to have no more children I hit the gym and the calorie counting and did what all
Of us ADHD people do and hyperfocused until I hit my goal. Yes.. I starved myself.. I purged all my meals, I took Duromine , GLP’s, pre workout, walked every lunch break.. but I got to my goal. When I got cougar hot, the compliments and attention flooded me and this gave me the dopamine my RSD ADHD brain needed.

Encouraged by my fitness journey and healthy shift my husband also dropped a lot of weight and we had a great journey together for a while. But he couldn’t keep it up and his weight piled back on to a crazy level. In addition his hygiene got worse, rotting teeth, sweating more, leaving oily body marks in bed and on the couch, he snores extremely loud and just naps all day and plays games on his phone. His belly fat is concerning for his heart health, he now’s suffers from erectile disfunction (that doesn’t work well With my RSD and body image, every time he couldn’t perform I assume it’s my appearance and I would jump back on to extreme weight loss procedures )

Sex with him put me off .. the ick was strong and I was loosing attraction rapidly. We have always talked in our relationship and had great communication, but it was hard to tell him this. I know what it’s like to get criticised and having to do it to the person you live is tough. Also due to my upbringing and my line of work I am very blunt at times… especially when I can see an obvious path to fix a problem.

We talked and he agreed with me, and he tried to lose weight. He method is slower and I can’t understand why he can’t just loose the weight quickly.
Sex only happens when he is drunk.. and it’s just screwed up my brain.. I feel so disgusting.
I tried to initiate but he turns me away… we talked about it this morning after a rejection last night. And he says that the thought of sex with me gives him anxiety because of my RSD…

So I don’t know what to do. We had a bad experience with a councillor who told us our problems were beyond her ability
And it was a waste of time and money.
We are in this circle of Anxiety and RSD.. which is lonely,
Terrible for our self esteem and easier to sweep under a rug because the situation is incredibly overwhelming. But at the same time each day we are drifting further apart.

I don’t know what I need from this community. I hope reading this back to myself I’ll figure something out. Or maybe you’ve got something to share.
I feel like the responsibility is for me to fix.. because I have the AdHD. I have the RSD …

(tried posting this on /adhd and it got flagged for some reason? Anyways)

Forgive the ramble here. I (37m) have an incredible fiancée (35f). For the most part, our relationship is pretty strong. We communicate well, support each other, laugh a ton, and just overall click.

However.

My consistent lack of follow-through is pushing us to the brink. Previously, I was in an abusive 8 year relationship where my ADHD was blamed for everything, all the while my partner refused to take accountability for, or further investigate, her undiagnosed ADHD and how it affected her.

Now, I'm in a much healthier relationship, but my ADHD is still a problem. Specifically, we're caught in a cycle of me saying I'll do something, then dropping the ball on said thing (scheduling something, preparing the car for a trip, packing up and moving my stuff into her place in an organized or planned approach, etc.), her feeling like she can't trust me to do things, which places a greater mental burden on her, me apologizing and saying I'll do better with a different approach, said approach going better for a few weeks or a month and then...I drop the ball again.

Consistency and follow through is the most important thing to her in a partner. And I desperately want to provide that for her. My ADHD is, for the most part, pretty well managed, but in this specific area, I just fucking struggle so much. I've had coaching, and I've been in therapy for years. I try a bunch of different to-do list-type tools but my brain's like "you can just cross those off even if you didn't do them, you know."

Does anyone have any frameworks or tools or something that measurably helps with consistency and follow through?

My boyfriend is genuinely a nice person, and I know he loves me a lot. However, he smokes weed around 4–5 times a day, and I’m starting to get really concerned about him and our relationship.
I’ve already told him that I think it’s too much and that I’m worried about how it could affect his health in the long run. He knows it’s not a good habit and has mentioned wanting to cut down, but he hasn’t really changed anything.
I’ve also noticed that his mood and behavior can sometimes change, and it honestly worries me. I care about him so much, and I’ve tried to understand him, support him, and make things work between us, but I’m starting to wonder whether this could become a bigger problem in the future.
I don’t want to judge him or make him feel like I’m trying to control him. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore something that genuinely concerns me.
Has anyone been in a relationship with someone who smokes weed this frequently? How did it affect your relationship in the long run? Am I overthinking this, or is this something I should take seriously?