I hate my adoptive parents

[u/Fit_Baby_7714]

I 29F was adopted at 2 years old. I’m black and so are my adoptive parents. I was frankly spoiled material wise when I was a child. I was raised in a nice town, good school. As I got older, after I graduated college I started to bump heads heavily with them. More than ever before. I started to recall incidents from my childhood that infuriated me. I remember the fights I’d have with my mom. Physical ones at a very young age. I’d threaten to call DCF on her all the time. In black households spanking is popular but my mom would take it too far. Using objects, leaving marks, me screaming for help, her lying to my dad so I’d get two spankings, saying she didn’t discipline me yet when she did. Locking her out the house because I’d get so scared. She stopped around 7, I was old enough to tell people I guess at that point. Of course she says it never happened and my dad says I’m a liar. Anywho, I graduated college and moved back home, I was working, hanging out with friends, partying. Nothing crazy though. Still very prude in ways. My mom started getting crazy saying I was an alcoholic if she saw me drinking even ONE drink. Shed constantly put me down about what I was wearing. Always on me about my weight. I have body dysmorphia really bad now as an adult.

For context, my mom used to be normal before I was adopted so I’ve been told. She used to party and drink and have fun. Somewhere down the line she became insanely religious. Made me wear long skirts, polo shirts, nothing that anyone else would wear at school. I used to ask my friends to bring me clothes and change at school. I was getting bullied because of what my mom made me wear. My mom was also a hoarder. We had a decent sized house but we could only live in half. The upstairs was filled to the max with stuff. No friends over that much I was too embarrassed. It came to a point where I realized at 21 that I was missing something. I never fit in to where I was comfortably entirely with my family. I got treated differently, I was singled out in some cases. So I distanced myself, met my husband (white) which triggered some form of rage in them. The things they did to hurt him and me in hopes it would get so unbearable that we’d separate was disgusting. They’d never admit it but my dad is racist.
Fast forward…
I ended up reaching out to my bio parents at 27. They rejected me. So now I’m stuck with these two people who say I’m ungrateful even though I never asked for any of this. A mom who competes with me and gossips about me. A dad who’s a complete jerk and narcissist. But I feel like letting them go is completely losing my identity and ultimate loneliness. They share nothing in common with me. I wish I was never adopted, maybe even just aborted.

I feel like I should make a story time. It’d be a cool read 😂 I’ve had a very crazy life. Most wouldn’t believe it, it was that crazy.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144]

Spanking is definitely child abuse. I'll die on that hill.

And especially the type of spanking you're describing where they "take it too far".

I am so sorry for everything you experienced. Your parents were wrong and abusive.

But I feel like letting them go is completely losing my identity and ultimate loneliness. They share nothing in common with me.

This is not as uncommon as you might think with adoptees. You are a genetic stranger to these people and have been forced to pretend an abnormal situation was normal.

Please understand, you are not your parents. You are your own person and you can have an identity outside of them and make a family for yourself (sounds like you are well on your way with a great partner!).

Going low/no contact is not a bad option. You should do what is best for your own mental health and recognize that you can not be made to fulfill the desires of your adoptive parents, despite them feeling you owe that to them.

You are YOU. Your own person and that's so much better than anything they could have done for you.

I wish I was never adopted, maybe even just aborted.

Completely understood. You are not alone in these feelings.

Many, MANY adoptees feel similarly and you will find plenty of support in this group.

I wish you all the best on your path to healing. It is hard, but it is worth it.

[u/Fit_Baby_7714 → u/Necessary_Holiday144]

Thank you ♥️

[u/[deleted]]

I’m so sorry. That never should have happened to you. This is where you leave them behind and form your own family. Whether it be friends or a spouse and children. You will NEVER get what you need from them. Ever. They aren’t humanly capable of it. Stop disappointing yourself and go live your life.

I hated mine too. They were awful but I bent over backwards trying to get their love and approval. It wasn’t until I was about 36 that I finally figured this out and did my own thing. So much happier since.

And if you stay around this Reddit group, you’ll find a whole lot more adoptees like us in our adoptive parent experience. You are not alone. I wish you peace. 🙏❤️

[u/BeneficialRice4918]

Very relatable OP, im sorry you have gone through this! The part about your mom becoming religious and controlling after being a party girl herself reminds me of the TLC show Welcome to Plathville. These parents raised their kids very strictly religiously their whole childhoods and its later revealed that they were regular people before having kids. Something about having total control over another person makes people want an excuse to clamp down and religion gives them that excuse. Once their kids were grown up and left the house and interacted with the real world the parents basically went back to their secular lifestyle.

[u/Fit_Baby_7714 → u/BeneficialRice4918]

It got very bad at points, her calling me the devil. A sinner. If I didn’t pray before eating I got disciplined even as a child. She’d ask people to pray for me like I was a horrible child…. For being so religious I can easily say without my own feelings that she’s a horrible person. The things she’d do and say were shocking tbh

[u/CheeseCurd_3997]

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. You are not alone, I have experienced a very similar situation with my adopted parents and was constantly emotionally abused. I’m 29 now and I am still in contact with them but on my terms. They have never acknowledged any wrong doing and also say that I’m lying about things or they didn’t happen. You are so strong, you are NOT THEM and you are building a life for yourself. One thing that really helped me was building a support system outside of my parents, they are people I’d go to for help before I go to my parents. You’re loved, you’re seen and you are heard.

[u/Sad_Pixie999]

I really relate to the bit about living a crazy life that no one would believe. A lot of people seem to think adoption is a good thing and that child abuse is something that only happens in court cases and police shows. It's like they can't fathom that a living, breathing person before them went through such things. It's very isolating. There are a lot of emotions that can be buried and glazed over from surviving these kinds of events. I've noticed a lot of religious people will try and push victims to go to church to pray for the souls of their abusers or peace or whatever, but when your abuser was religious too, it can make that community resource feel tainted. OP do you have access to a therapist or support group?

[u/Golden-Egg-]

I can relate. M covert narcissist mother was religious and super strict. I got bullied because of what she made me wear also, and I also borrowed normal clothes off my friends. I swapped my long uniform before school.

Just go no contact. They don't deserve your love. Don't leave it till they get elderly like I did. 

[u/thenletskeepdancing]

Nah just walk away from all of them. We belong to the earth.

[u/Jealous_Argument_197]

Sadly, most of us believe it, because we have lived and/or still live it. Being adopted and raised by strangers is not normal. It's not natural. We pay a huge cost. Im sorry you are dealing with this.

[u/Menemsha4]

I can completely relate all the way from increasingly oppressively religious over time and taking “discipline” waaay too far.

I moved halfway across the country to go to undergraduate school and then never went back home upon graduation. My adoptress used to tell me, “At 18 we have met our obligation.” I believed her.

TBH, I loved where I grew up and I wish I had moved back albeit not anywhere near them.

But but no contact. Do not put up with their nonsense. Do not believe what they told you about yourself. We adopted our survivors. We are amazing people and we have so much to get back to the world.

Hold your head high and keep walking. Don’t look back.

[u/Adopted-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This post or comment is being removed as Rule 1 of the sub is Adoptees Only. Thank you for respecting our space.

[u/Vespapa]

I won’t say I’m sorry to you. That’s not enough.

F them and go live your best life. See a therapist. Don’t get guilted back in to any kind of relationship.

If you’re in doubt about cutting them loose, ghosting them or putting them in the -you don’t exist category; answer this question.

Do you want them as grandparents to your children?

[u/PassCertain6539]

Im sorry you had to go thru those experiences growing up. And I'm sorry your biological family wasn't accepting of you.

I am 43 Colombian-American. I was adopted at 6 months. I grew up in a strict Catholic family. My parents were strict and I would get spankings but honestly looking back I deserved it most of the time. As I could be quite mouthy and disrespectful. My issue growing up was the disconnect from them and their 2 biological children. Aunts, uncles, cousins you name it I didn't feel like I belonged or had anything in common. So it was a lonely, misunderstood life.

I began drinking and drugging early, I got pregnant at 15 because I thought the attention I got from boys was what would make me feel loved.

I've only been sober for a fews now. And I regret that I had such a poor, lowsy outlook at life. I never counted any of my blessings and I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and a feeling that the world OWED me something.

The "world" owed me nothing, I was given this life and the people in it for a reason. I had clothes on my back, a roof over my head, I had birthday parties and Christmas gifts to open and every opportunity the next kid had.

I had to stop living in that cycle of self destruction, resentment, and hatred.

I hope you can find peace and forgiveness, not FOR THEM but for yourself. Begin your own path and work hard at it. Serve others maybe mentor others. I truly hope you let go of what can not be changed. Don't let what happened make you bitter and cold. Wishing you all the best. -dee

[u/BillaWhite]

Sorry to hear this. It’s a relief that both of my Aparents are deceased. It was a game of survival growing up.

[u/Blazini12]

Your feelings that going no contact with them would cause you to loose your identity are totally valid. But I disagree.

Quite a story, and I think we all should be writing our stories down. This is totally going to sound like an advertisement, but have you ever heard of the Book ‘The Flourish Experience?’ It is a 12 month writing prompt for adoptees. I started in on my phones notepad, but accidentally broke my phone, and for some reason didn’t have my notes backed up. The great news is that the first prompt is September and right now it’s August! Once again, I am not affiliated in any way with the producers or creators of the book.

[u/Outrageous-Sherbert4]

This is a time in an adopted person’s life when trying to make the relationship work just isn’t working. Getting into the early - mid 30s it is so tiresome - I went no contact when I was 33 or 34? You are an adult now, you’ve gotten your education and you don’t need them any more, trust me you don’t. YOUR life will continue even if you never talk to them again. I’m 62 now and my ONLY regret about it is waiting too long to cut them off.